How 'bout them Grammys?

I watched last night's Grammy Awards ceremony in the most enjoyable way possible: on fast forward. What follows are some observations from moments that made me actually stop and watch. Everything else (especially the country shit and Paul McCartney, who looks more and more like my grandmother every time I see him) was lost to me. And I know I'm better for it.

First of all, thanks Madonna!

I've been kept up at night, wondering when krumping was going to be over. Now it officially is. Thanks for clearing that up!

I wish I could say the same for mash-ups, but I already knew they were done. Hammering the nail:

But how awesome would it be if Madonna and Gorillaz cut an album together, just so they could call themselves Madgillaz?

Stevie Wonder made not one, but two blind jokes.

That was, um, weird. Is he feeling insecure? Is he still adjusting? (It was awesome, though, when he told Alicia, "Don't be gettin' no spit on my harmonica," because you know she's the type who gets all foamy.)

You know who's cool?

Chris Martin! I mean, the homeless hair, alone! And his pantomiming during his performance? Best since R. Kelly's "You Saved Me" video. He is really just the man.

Rock. And. Roll.

Do I need to explain why this nauseated me:

?

Wait, what was the name of the song they sang again? I don't think they said the title enough.

Oh.

This graced the screen after the performance:

Coexist? Tell it to a coloring book, Bono.

Why why why do Maroon 5 have a ghetto pass?

Am I allowed to revoke that? No? Well, can someone with the authority to do so please get to that?

Ciara's hot, though.

So are Destiny's Child. Well, at least two thirds of them.

Kelly's never been more fuckable. Beyoncé's hard work on her body for Dreamgirls is paying off. Michelle. Um. No. You are not Whitney-era Whitney Houston, no matter how much you try to convince me. Eat something. Anything. Take that mushroom off your head and fry it up.

Oh, Christina.

Last night was not particularly revelatory for this, but I have to note that by utterly ignoring subtlety, by turning every syllable into 20, Christina is squandering her gift. The girl has a beautiful voice. The girl cannot sing. What good is beauty if everything you do with it is so damn ugly?

Many have said the same thing about Mariah, but at least she knows a thing or two about dynamics. At least she as more modes that just deeee-faw-uh-aw-uh-aw-uh-awwwwww-llllllttttt-ah.

I loved watching her scurry around the stage while she sang about Jesus. She was like a holy rodent. But what the hell with that hair?

Is she a hippie?

Mariah received a standing ovation for her performance. But you know what the best thing about a standing o is?

The people who don't stand. These three were not feeling Jesus.

One more thing about Mariah, I think that this is the guy she's banging:

He's the "photographer"/entourage member she has. I say good for her! He is, how do you say, hot tamale.

Oh, but the fact that all of the awards she won (three, I think?) weren't broadcast means that for the rest of her life, we're going to have to hear her interview that yes, she won Grammys, and just because they weren't shown doesn't mean they don't matter. Because she is a person who loves accolades.

Just like Black Eyed Peas.

Will.I.Gloat: "For some people it may not be that important, but it's important to me to announce that earlier we won a Grammy for Best Performance by a Duo or Group." You're right. It's not important. Because your total media saturation isn't enough. Because the fact that you were given a trophy for your namby-pamby, pseudo-uplifting garbage nonsense that can't even do camp right, isn't enough. You have to remind us. Thanks!

LL's tongue never fails to amuse.

Seriously, he has to give the best head ever.

More gloating:

Kill him. Really. It made me so happy to see his sorry attempt at humor flop.

Oh hahaha! Get it? He's arrogant! Arrogance is so endearing! Get it?!?!

Also?

All is full of gay. Every last detail. He's promoting piracy.

Butt piracy.

Finally, I loved this:

I loved that John Legend, like any self-respecting gay man with connections in the music industry would, brought Martha Wash as his date.

So hot.

So yeah, those were the Grammys. I can't believe I put off watching Project Runway for this shit!

(But don't worry: I watched it later and OMG! Nick!!!)

Comments

[eliot]

i want to swim in john legend's dimples.

i want l.l. to swim inside my insides.

[buzz]

allow me to be the first to congratulate you on refusing to acknowledge the very existence of Kelly Clarkson.

and i always get the feeling that LL has just eaten some really salty Kettle Chips right before going on camera. they chap!!

[Kia]

No hateration at Maroon 5, please. They are my loves. Though, I am just a TAD annoyed that they won a Grammy for a song from an album that was released in 2002.

Michelle looks like she will shatter into a thousand pieces if someone so much as touches her. Looks like singing for Jesus is not bringing home the bacon, cuz she sure ain't eatin' none.

Fergie looks...classy? Am I seeing this right?

[brent]

With as much talent as she has, I don't know how anyone could "refuse to acknowledge the very existence of Kelly Clarkson." Why that's just crazy.

I liked Madonna's performance, but I thought that the Gorillaz were pointless. Mariah on the other hand I thought sounded like a complete mess - her voice was cracking and she was barely hoding the notes. Le sigh.

[Kel de Texas]

I refuse to watch the Grammys, but I almost wish I did just so I could dish them with you.

Smooch.

Holy rodent...that's awesome!
Someone should tell Mariah that church mice are supposed to be QUIET.

[Foxy]

Christina? Bad? What were you listening to, darling? She may have oversang, but it's the GRAMMYS. That's what we do. At least she wasn't offkey or cracking up a storm. Not that I am pointing fingers at Mimi, Mary, Ciara, Kelly, Adam Levine, or Chris Martin...or am I?

[Foxy]

Oh, and I was thinking of oral sex during LL Cool J's speech too. But, I suppose everyone was...

[bf]

k. west looked like a tampon and j foxx like a baboon ass. i just loved the golden dancing camel toe part of their masterpiece.

[summer]

"Eat something. Anything. Take that mushroom off your head and fry it up."

That was so funny you made my scroll hand weak. Couldn't move the mouse for like 2 minutes. LOL

[Tate Tullier]

? Ugh. I want my PROJECT RUNWAY review. Oh right, I forgot - I'm deaf (really) so the Grammys sucked after Madonna's performance.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

didn't watch the Grammys (i've only watched them once, and that was only because Jon Stewart was hosting) but i did inadvertently flip over during Herpes Simplextina's performance and you have nailed the problem with her: good voice, doesn't know how to use it. Doing a bunch of crazy, unnecessary runs don't make it singing, dear.

"Take that mushroom off your head and fry it up."-hahaha OMG, I love that line!

I agree with the Aguilera comments. Her voice is lovely, but her phrasing and harsh-ass look is all wrong.

Mariah looked more "cowardly lion" than ever with that crazy mane; P. Diddy needed to button up the cheesy 70's John Travolta shirt; and I fell asleep for Coldplay doing their one song that they redo on every track of every album.

Really, though, I'm just grateful Bono kept his big yapper shut about politics (at least for as much as I saw!)

[Carly]

Kanye looked like Kool Moe Dee. Someone needs to stop that man.

[tom]

"Martha Wash as his date." RICH...I laughed so hard I had to leave the office....

[Tim]

Mariah is not a hippy. She is a float from the Coney Island Mermaid Parade.

Thanks, Rich. Entertaining as always.

[JaeRizzle]

Show some love to my girl Kelly Clarkson, Rich! Her performance was pretty damn good, even though he held her power note too long and flubbed up the timing at the end...

And Mariah, WHAT THE FUCK? She started out live and then am I the only one that noticed that she was BLATANTLY lip syncing?! I am beyond being over the "let me stick my finger in my ear so I can hear myself when I try to use my whistle tones" because at this point it's just a tick and she just waves her hand near her ear for one second. She was bouncing around so much using her "emotive" (haha right) hand like a magician waves his hands around to take focus off of what is really going on---the lack of LIVE singing. This was the Grammy's, sing live girl, or GET OUT!

[Greg]

Madonna and Hung Up weren't nominated for a single Grammy, and yet there she was, opening the damn show. How powerful is that unstoppable juggernaut of a bitch?

[Greg]

P.S. Madonna, you took that same Hung Up routine to every award show throughout Europe. Anyone who has the capacity to go online (i.e., everyone) has already seen it.

[Penny Woods]

^^^Mimi? Lip-syncing? I look at one second of Madonna's performance and I know she's blantantly lip-syncing, but Mimi? (I actually watched her whole performance.) I think you've gone off yer rocker there.

But, yeah, that's the guy Mimi's banging.

Of course she will say the only guy she likes is her dog, but in reality, she's trying to pull off one of those Janet Jackson/Rene Elizondo relationships, and for her sake, I hope Mimi/Mark Sudack doesn't implode as badly as Janet/Rene.

[Takeitoutside]

Butt Piracy..LOL!

"Take that mushroom off your head and fry it"..LMFAO!!!

lol..I was thinking 'Whitney?' too when I saw Michelle..yuck

[Georgiapeach]

You killed the Grammy's wrap up. Hillarious.

[Rich]

ProjRun recaps (and those of ANTM, for that matter) go up Fridays. In the words of Nomi Malone, "Sorry, that's the rules."

[lulu]

That was John Legend's mom with him. He was on Oprah yesterday too and she was there with him. I agree, that boy has dimples that will not quit! I'm really happy for him. He deserves the recognition. Did Common not win anything? Even one of the "previously awarded" grammy's? He was robbed.

[JaeRizzle]

Penny, yes Madge was lip-syncing at the beginning of her song, but she was aboslutely live for much of the second half. (There was a backing track that she was singing along to..)

But yep, Mimi definitely started syncing about 1/3 of the way through her set. Oftentimes (as you may know), an artist will record vocals that are to be used specifically when they lip-sync, so that it sounds different from the album cut of the same song. Engineers will then tweak the new vocals to make them sound live and 'real' depending on the type of performance, whether they are in an auditorium or concert hall, etc. It's something that they spend a lot of time on.

Specifically on Mimi's song, you could even tell that her shit was a vocal track, as each phrase was coming in SO close to the end of the last one that they almost overlap. No matter how talented someone is (as I'm obviously not arguing), there is no way to do some things live without dropping words or notes....case in point, the live opening of We Belong Together was not flawless, as it was live. The rest of her performance had numerous tricks and cheats that could only be accomplished in the studio with overdubbing.