How 'bout them Grammys?

I watched last night's Grammy Awards ceremony in the most enjoyable way possible: on fast forward. What follows are some observations from moments that made me actually stop and watch. Everything else (especially the country shit and Paul McCartney, who looks more and more like my grandmother every time I see him) was lost to me. And I know I'm better for it.

First of all, thanks Madonna!

I've been kept up at night, wondering when krumping was going to be over. Now it officially is. Thanks for clearing that up!

I wish I could say the same for mash-ups, but I already knew they were done. Hammering the nail:

But how awesome would it be if Madonna and Gorillaz cut an album together, just so they could call themselves Madgillaz?

Stevie Wonder made not one, but two blind jokes.

That was, um, weird. Is he feeling insecure? Is he still adjusting? (It was awesome, though, when he told Alicia, "Don't be gettin' no spit on my harmonica," because you know she's the type who gets all foamy.)

You know who's cool?

Chris Martin! I mean, the homeless hair, alone! And his pantomiming during his performance? Best since R. Kelly's "You Saved Me" video. He is really just the man.

Rock. And. Roll.

Do I need to explain why this nauseated me:

?

Wait, what was the name of the song they sang again? I don't think they said the title enough.

Oh.

This graced the screen after the performance:

Coexist? Tell it to a coloring book, Bono.

Why why why do Maroon 5 have a ghetto pass?

Am I allowed to revoke that? No? Well, can someone with the authority to do so please get to that?

Ciara's hot, though.

So are Destiny's Child. Well, at least two thirds of them.

Kelly's never been more fuckable. Beyoncé's hard work on her body for Dreamgirls is paying off. Michelle. Um. No. You are not Whitney-era Whitney Houston, no matter how much you try to convince me. Eat something. Anything. Take that mushroom off your head and fry it up.

Oh, Christina.

Last night was not particularly revelatory for this, but I have to note that by utterly ignoring subtlety, by turning every syllable into 20, Christina is squandering her gift. The girl has a beautiful voice. The girl cannot sing. What good is beauty if everything you do with it is so damn ugly?

Many have said the same thing about Mariah, but at least she knows a thing or two about dynamics. At least she as more modes that just deeee-faw-uh-aw-uh-aw-uh-awwwwww-llllllttttt-ah.

I loved watching her scurry around the stage while she sang about Jesus. She was like a holy rodent. But what the hell with that hair?

Is she a hippie?

Mariah received a standing ovation for her performance. But you know what the best thing about a standing o is?

The people who don't stand. These three were not feeling Jesus.

One more thing about Mariah, I think that this is the guy she's banging:

He's the "photographer"/entourage member she has. I say good for her! He is, how do you say, hot tamale.

Oh, but the fact that all of the awards she won (three, I think?) weren't broadcast means that for the rest of her life, we're going to have to hear her interview that yes, she won Grammys, and just because they weren't shown doesn't mean they don't matter. Because she is a person who loves accolades.

Just like Black Eyed Peas.

Will.I.Gloat: "For some people it may not be that important, but it's important to me to announce that earlier we won a Grammy for Best Performance by a Duo or Group." You're right. It's not important. Because your total media saturation isn't enough. Because the fact that you were given a trophy for your namby-pamby, pseudo-uplifting garbage nonsense that can't even do camp right, isn't enough. You have to remind us. Thanks!

LL's tongue never fails to amuse.

Seriously, he has to give the best head ever.

More gloating:

Kill him. Really. It made me so happy to see his sorry attempt at humor flop.

Oh hahaha! Get it? He's arrogant! Arrogance is so endearing! Get it?!?!

Also?

All is full of gay. Every last detail. He's promoting piracy.

Butt piracy.

Finally, I loved this:

I loved that John Legend, like any self-respecting gay man with connections in the music industry would, brought Martha Wash as his date.

So hot.

So yeah, those were the Grammys. I can't believe I put off watching Project Runway for this shit!

(But don't worry: I watched it later and OMG! Nick!!!)

Comments

[Penny Woods]

Oh, and I couldn't resist:
"...Madonna herself appeared at the beginning of the song proper."

And the peformance was still bad. Any "idiot" could see that from a mile away.

Sorry, Rich. I'll be good from now on!

[Victor Finley-Brown]

My friend at NEXT in New York just sent me your link and I know i'm 2 days behind, but let me say the Grammy's was like walking on glass with no shoes, and trying not to get cut. I have to say that Mariah, who I am convinced sang everything with some help, put on those platform shoes which she was wearing,and reached so far up in her ass for that performance,that i think i saw her fingers coming out of here mouth. Fighting to the end. She really needs more time in the studio and less in bed eating with her bib on.( Reference her Marie Claire Interview)

If you thought Madonna sucked then you must be hard to please. She sounded good, danced well, and at least put on a show.

[Ginger]

IMO Madonna's performance was pretty good, Mariah's performance was BAD. I don't like her or her music, but even I couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed for her as I watched her try to perform. She looked totally ridiculous! I thought she was going to knock herself out the way that one arm was flapping around.

I love that someone called Kanye an "intelligent, creative artist". So true, but you know some people absolutely hate that! Certain people prefer 50 Cent over Kanye, cuz 50 perpetuates the stereotype of the unintelligent black male who's predisposed to violence. Kanye shatters that stereotype, but there are certain people who prefer to hold on to it. These are the Kanye haters.

And FAMU Marching 100 repped it! Kanye and Jamie's performance was the highlight of the night (Jay-Z and co.'s was good, too)

[Jen]

Oh man, Rich! That was hysterical! So funny that I can wait a whole weekend for your much anticipated ProjRun recap.

BUT .... I'm glad they gave Nick the boot. Especially since he got all cocky (ahem) about his menswear advantage. The Kors basically used his suit as an example of how NOT to create menswear. I love it!

[anon]

Yeah, why did Michelle have Marge Simpson's sister's hair??? Crazy!

[thumper]

Mary J. was the only bitch who could sing the whole damn night. The concept may have been pretentious, but give the lady her due. Everyone's all sweaty about Madge (don't-I-look-good-for-my-age) and Mariah (are-my-tits showing-enough)Carey....please, Mary J. kicks their ass before breakfast.

[Rita]

Hey, I thought Mary J was good. You gotta give her some credit!

[Rod]

I don't care that Kanye West was giving you "retro pimp", I'd still fuck him...just before I marry John Legend...

[the katt]

Maroon 5's ghetto pass is unnecessary anyway. It only came about after they won best new artist over Kanye last year and Adam practically apologized at the podium upon receiving the award. Crazy. Then he's 'rewarded' by guesting on Kanye's next single and video. And I'm all for intelligent, creative black folk, too...but if he's gon be that immodest, why not just walk naked!

[Linear]

John Legend makes me want to loose control of my sexual self-restraint.

[Dream]

Wow, your comments about the Grammy's were (while dead on) full of my kind of foolishness. I loved that Kanye's joke flopped as well, but is it really official that John Legend is gay? I thought it was probable but not official. His Mama's Church of God in Christ revival suit and hat were out of this world.

[Rich]

No -- the comment about John Legend's sexuality was total speculation on my part. He's not out, and I'm sure things will stay that way forever.

[Beatzblog]

Well only Madonna would have the guts to get on stage with Gorillaz! Mariah Scarey is too scared!!

[jamillah james]

ummm...how could you NOT talk shit on how crazy sly stone's ass looked? what?????

[Phillip Gomez]

Can Mariah get more fat? she's twice the Mariah of the 90's. I have to say that while her voice cracked the entire performance she sang her ass off. The standing o was much deserved.

[spike]

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye... Pooff Diddly called and wants his arrogant irrelevance back.

[Mariana]

Kelly Clarkson Sucks cock. Thank God you didn't acknowledge that overweight lipsinching little pig.

[Mariana]

Kelly Clarkson Sucks cock. Thank God you didn't acknowledge that overweight lipsinching little pig.

[Barbie]

Mariah's performnce was definantly NOT lip-synced! I loved her performance...she put sooo much emotion into it....thats what god can do! damnit! anyway i hated christina's performance..i fell asleep during it

[drea]

I didnt really watch the grammy's but I went to youtube and saw Mariah performance. She looked liked she was going to colapse at any minute. But overall I think her performance was great. And the dude she was sitting next to in the audience is yummie. Is that suppose to be the guy she's been dating?

[Ears Are Bleeding!!]

What the fuck was Christina Aguilera doing?? Her mom should have gotten her checked for stuttering a long time ago!! She just went on my "never listen to again" list!!

LL all he had to do was show me that tongue, and he would have won all the grammy's!!!!!!!

Is it me or does Mariah Carey look like she used to be a bodybuilder!?!?!

[Ears Are Bleeding!!]

I absolutely love MIMI. Is it me or does Mariah mess up every "We Belong Together" song???? I loved the "Fly Like A Bird" performance.

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