Larger than life

Have you met Dianne?

If you haven't, you're in for a treat. Dianne is one of a handful of teens profiled in MTV's instant-classic documentary Fat Camp, which premiered last week. A recap of the entire thing would be a monumental task, with all the XXX-sized drama and romantic subplots (a funny thing about fat kids: they hook up, too). Instead of doing that, I'm just going to focus on the genius of Dianne, since she's at least half the reason why Fat Camp is so great, anyway.

Television is full of annoying people, but none hit the spot quite like Dianne. Really, give me Project Dianne over Project RunJay any day.

There's no one like her.

Well, maybe Selma.

She's 14ish, home-schooled, diabetic . . .

. . . she's got one leg . . . OK, that's a lie. But she might as well for as active as she is. See, fat camp, as you may have guessed, requires its attendees to both diet and exercise (a revolutionary combination, really). Dianne is sort of forced into going to fat camp (her mother, who seems nothing but saintly, is a nurse at the camp profiled in the film). Dianne's less than enthusiastic about participating in activities. Like, this, for example, is as close as she gets to playing dodgeball:

See, no one does lazy like Dianne does lazy. I mean, she's cool, inside . . .

. . . and out. She's all hands-free with the cell phone while she "chills out" in the air conditioning.

What's she doing here?

Oh, of course: involving herself in the exhausting sport of video gaming.

She has to move her fingers, y'all. Can you blame her for needing to lie down to do so?

Truth be told, she's kind of a brat.

"I'm ready to go hang out with my friends and get away from my bitchy-ass roommates," she says. But who's going to hold brattiness against her when she uses a phrase like "bitchy ass?" Not me, for sure. For that one, I forgive her tantrums. Like the one she throws when one fellow camper tries to help her up from her chair, but effectively tosses her on the ground.

And here is the resulting fit.

And here is the resulting trip to see her mom in the infirmary:

"I've fallen three times and twisted my ankle four. I decided it was time to come see you," she announces. She twisted her ankle four times and still can walk. She's practically bionic. She just doesn't know it.

She also pitches a massive freak-out over her bitchy-ass roommates telling her she needs to shower. This is just the intro to the wailing (and towel-dropping exposure) that ensues.

But whatever. She's awesome and extremely crafty, especially when it comes to weight loss.

"I think I'm getting down to the lowest weight my body wants to be at. Is that weird? I've been working harder than I did when I came here, and I was losing more weight when I didn't work as hard. Maybe if I don't do anything this week, I'll lose, like, 10 lbs." Maybe! As long as you keep sharing that twisty, twisty logic with us, you can do whatever you want.

My favorite thing about Dianne, however, is her love of music. She's rarely without her headphones, but get her around live music and she flips out.

I'm not being remotely sarcastic when I say that there's something truly beautiful and enviable in her simplicity here. The band she's responding to isn't particularly accomplished, obviously:

But just the fact that it's music, just the fact that it's live, is enough for Dianne. She's truly inspiring. In a way, I'm jealous that she can get off so easily.

She's so wound up after the show that she feels the need to continue it.

Repeatedly.

Oh yes they are.

Besides weight-loss (Dianne ends up dropping 16 lbs., which is kind of great, considering her insistence on loafing), Fat Camp follows Dianne's social trajectory. See, she's been home-schooled and thus has a hard time connecting with kids. By the end, she's at least enduring human contact.

Hugs and happiness. Seriously, get her a sticker book or some puppies or a fuzzy pen or something.

Totally thrilled.

And what did she get out of the social experience? A lot!

"Camp has helped me get along with kids a lil' better. I still don't understand 'em too well. Just how, how they could be so stupid."

She's come so far to find herself. It's really touching. But really, Fat Camp is a triumph for Dianne. Despite her steadfast social awkwardness, despite her tendency to annoy mercilessly, she's the most compelling character in the whole film. It wouldn't be the same without her, and for hanging onto her individuality so foolishly, Dianne will forever be a patron saint of fourfour. This is my ode to her.

The end of Dianne's story is bittersweet:

But really, if she'd kept it off, how rock and roll would that be?

Such promise, such hope.

Some people see Dianne and say, "Why?" I see her and say, "Why not?"

Comments

[Fresh]

Dianne is my hero! I love Fat Camp. Do they have it on dvd yet? If so I know what I want for my birthday. But yeah, her falling outta the chair was classic. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

[jason]

I say give her her own show...follow her through the trauma of freshman year...NO ONE will do the experience better.

[Ridwah]

I'm absolutely horrified. And IN LOVE! I just know she's going to grow up to be an even fatter, more rotten human being, and God love her for it. I mean, who else is going to give me a hard time while getting on the train/at the DMV/at the office copier/in the Snack Cake aisle? Why, it's America's new sweetheart, Dianne! Her mother should be proud as punch.

[a.]

ummm...does fat camp really work? Because most of those kids gained all the weight back.

[Gillan]

Oh, I'm really so happy that someone else saw this show and loved Dianne as much as I do! I hope and dream that mtv gives her her own show. I think it would be so amazingly awesome if they transferred her to Laguna Beach High School. She'd show those bitches how it's really done!

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Rich i kid you not--
in the UK there's a show called "Tourette's Camp"

you can imagine what that's about. yeah.

[Rosie]

Man, Rich, I live for the stuff you write. I could not stop watching this roadstop in Dianne's life play out in front of me.

Simply. Thrilling.

Your writing never fails at sending me into hysteric fits of laughter that require me to be sent to the ER.

... I'll send you the hospital bills later.

[marah]

oh man, when the towel fell and everyone laughed, it was sort of heartbreaking.
but it was also like "hey, pull your towel back up. 13 year old girls aren't forgiving, and neither is the vast majority of the television viewing population.
poor dianne. i hope she grows up to be a productive adult.

[BrnEyedGirl676]

When Dianne was beached on the bed in the nurse's station, I was so confident that one of the hard-bodied, male camp counselors would drag her back outside.

Speaking of the buff counselors... I'm surprised you didn't post a picture.

On the flip side, you didn't indulge in posting any chunk pictures either. Such restraint!

[Tropico]

I LOVED her! I was hoping someone would pick up on her magnificence. You have to screen cap that "bitch please" look she gives to the camera when the helicopter flies overhead - classic!

[manhattan offender]

Your obsession with l'chunk continues ... but really, jeez, spoon to back of tongue and a box of ExLax and call me in the morning.

(And does Diane sort of look like Winston?)

[Jae]

manhattan---NICE OBSERVATION!! She totally has the Winston-face! Not quite the same range of emotion as Dear Winnie, but close.

[brandy]

Im going to download this tonight...what would I do without you Rich?
I will watch it after the cupcake challenge I downloaded.

[nicole]

Oh my god-this show was made for your commentary! I felt bad when I caught the part where everyone told Dianne she smelled, but this post showed me the bright side.
Lesson: Don't homeschool your kids, people! They all turn out to be anti-social freaks!

[jujubes78]

OMG I LOVE YOU, i watched this and she made me laugh my ass off. its sick that we tivo the same things.

[Brooke]

I could not stand Dianne. The sound of her voice is like fingers going down a chalk board. To me her mom needed to let go of the apron strings and kick her daughter in the butt. But I do love to watch Fat Camp.

[H]

Oh god, Rich, you crack me up! Hilarious entry. I need to see this shit!

[duane]

Rich, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Laughing at a fat girl has never been more fun.

[Jacquie]

Once again, you enlightened me to something I would have missed, and gave me just the highlights I needed. We all need FourfourVO installed instead of TIVO.

From the animated clip she must have won dodgeball, she moved her leg an inch away, thus attempting to dodge.

I hope she writes a book offering her twisted logic on dieting and showering.

Thanks Rich!

[bh]

I love you!!!!! Diane is the best, I wish she was my best friend =(

[Just little me]

Everytime I see something on TV, laugh at it and then feel terribly guilty, I am 100% sure that a review of this something will pop up here. Omigod, Dianne was SO irritating! I love the sequence where she tries to get off the chair and falls on her face - the amount of crying and screaming that went on made me think that those kids were chopping her to pieces. And her face, always so friendly and welcoming! She's a people's person, so obviously.

[Trav]

Completely the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I was crying at the end. You nailed the depth of her miserable genius to a tee. Friggin brilliant.

[Chad]

I completely agree!! I love her! I want her to have her own show! I would watch it every day.

I loved this little show.

[Tipsy McStaggers]

Rich - This was the funniest commentary yet this year. Thanks - I am laughing hysterically here at my desk. I am so greatful to have found your site last year. You and Winston rock.

[Erika]

I have to say that is one of the best MTV shows I've seen in a loooong time. She cried a lot during that show. Especially when her bunkmates said she stinked and she dropped her towel in front of them showing her naked body and they laughed. You know you should feel bad for her...but laugh at the same time...I feel awful about that now.