Larger than life

Have you met Dianne?

If you haven't, you're in for a treat. Dianne is one of a handful of teens profiled in MTV's instant-classic documentary Fat Camp, which premiered last week. A recap of the entire thing would be a monumental task, with all the XXX-sized drama and romantic subplots (a funny thing about fat kids: they hook up, too). Instead of doing that, I'm just going to focus on the genius of Dianne, since she's at least half the reason why Fat Camp is so great, anyway.

Television is full of annoying people, but none hit the spot quite like Dianne. Really, give me Project Dianne over Project RunJay any day.

There's no one like her.

Well, maybe Selma.

She's 14ish, home-schooled, diabetic . . .

. . . she's got one leg . . . OK, that's a lie. But she might as well for as active as she is. See, fat camp, as you may have guessed, requires its attendees to both diet and exercise (a revolutionary combination, really). Dianne is sort of forced into going to fat camp (her mother, who seems nothing but saintly, is a nurse at the camp profiled in the film). Dianne's less than enthusiastic about participating in activities. Like, this, for example, is as close as she gets to playing dodgeball:

See, no one does lazy like Dianne does lazy. I mean, she's cool, inside . . .

. . . and out. She's all hands-free with the cell phone while she "chills out" in the air conditioning.

What's she doing here?

Oh, of course: involving herself in the exhausting sport of video gaming.

She has to move her fingers, y'all. Can you blame her for needing to lie down to do so?

Truth be told, she's kind of a brat.

"I'm ready to go hang out with my friends and get away from my bitchy-ass roommates," she says. But who's going to hold brattiness against her when she uses a phrase like "bitchy ass?" Not me, for sure. For that one, I forgive her tantrums. Like the one she throws when one fellow camper tries to help her up from her chair, but effectively tosses her on the ground.

And here is the resulting fit.

And here is the resulting trip to see her mom in the infirmary:

"I've fallen three times and twisted my ankle four. I decided it was time to come see you," she announces. She twisted her ankle four times and still can walk. She's practically bionic. She just doesn't know it.

She also pitches a massive freak-out over her bitchy-ass roommates telling her she needs to shower. This is just the intro to the wailing (and towel-dropping exposure) that ensues.

But whatever. She's awesome and extremely crafty, especially when it comes to weight loss.

"I think I'm getting down to the lowest weight my body wants to be at. Is that weird? I've been working harder than I did when I came here, and I was losing more weight when I didn't work as hard. Maybe if I don't do anything this week, I'll lose, like, 10 lbs." Maybe! As long as you keep sharing that twisty, twisty logic with us, you can do whatever you want.

My favorite thing about Dianne, however, is her love of music. She's rarely without her headphones, but get her around live music and she flips out.

I'm not being remotely sarcastic when I say that there's something truly beautiful and enviable in her simplicity here. The band she's responding to isn't particularly accomplished, obviously:

But just the fact that it's music, just the fact that it's live, is enough for Dianne. She's truly inspiring. In a way, I'm jealous that she can get off so easily.

She's so wound up after the show that she feels the need to continue it.

Repeatedly.

Oh yes they are.

Besides weight-loss (Dianne ends up dropping 16 lbs., which is kind of great, considering her insistence on loafing), Fat Camp follows Dianne's social trajectory. See, she's been home-schooled and thus has a hard time connecting with kids. By the end, she's at least enduring human contact.

Hugs and happiness. Seriously, get her a sticker book or some puppies or a fuzzy pen or something.

Totally thrilled.

And what did she get out of the social experience? A lot!

"Camp has helped me get along with kids a lil' better. I still don't understand 'em too well. Just how, how they could be so stupid."

She's come so far to find herself. It's really touching. But really, Fat Camp is a triumph for Dianne. Despite her steadfast social awkwardness, despite her tendency to annoy mercilessly, she's the most compelling character in the whole film. It wouldn't be the same without her, and for hanging onto her individuality so foolishly, Dianne will forever be a patron saint of fourfour. This is my ode to her.

The end of Dianne's story is bittersweet:

But really, if she'd kept it off, how rock and roll would that be?

Such promise, such hope.

Some people see Dianne and say, "Why?" I see her and say, "Why not?"

Comments

i think shes fat

I LOOOOOVE DIANE

"This weird girl keeps saying hi to me"

::diane's up the hill::
"WHATS UP?"
"Uh...chillin"

SOOOO FUCKING GOOD.

..."I dont feel like dyin' today"

[inspector gadgot]

dianne= hero for life.. she made the show and whats up with mtv not playing it ne more.. i mean they play everyother piece of crap but not fat camp.

[mary alex]

diane is the bomb. she should definitly have her own show. and she lives in mississippi! rock on

[allyson]

OMG Fat Camp needs to be on again. If anyone knows where i can dowload it or if it will be on again please post and let me know. Diane wow she is my hero!

i love that girl she fuckin makes the show

[Maverick Awesome]

Best Quotes from this fine young lady:

"I decided to opt out."

"Are you from Alabama?"
- "No! But I can rock like I am!"

"I think my body is happy at the weight it's at."

[Ashten/Maddie]

uhm basically diane is the real triumph behind fat camp,anytime she comes on their you have to laugh your ass off,your article was the funniest shit i have read in a long time,i'd love to see a follow up on that belupcious beauty :-)

[casey]

hahahahhhahaha ok i am in LOVE with diane... the first time i saw the show was the sweet home alabama episode and a couple of friends and i laughed about that for ever and this just made my life complete... ROCK ON DIANE... sweet home alabama baby

[amanda]

I recorded Fat Camp on my DVR so I have the joys of Diane right at my fingertips.
This little character does need her own show!!!!

[Laura Allen]

Laughed the entire way through. Loved the sarcasm, humor and thought put into this. Kudos. Do you, by chance, know where I can get the episode on DVD?

In the spirit of Dianne the Almighty, "I need ointment for my leeeegs."

[Jana]

Ok- so i'm completly excited that other people find Fat Camp as amazing as I did. I DVRed it the night it premiered and then successfully showed it to every single person i could find that would enjoy it's humor. My friends and I quote it on a daily basis. At first you might be like, "hmm is laughing at someone else's expense the nice thing to do?" and it's probably not, but after watching the MTVdocs production you just really don't care.

[Jasmine]

thats kinda sad you ganged all the weight back..!!!!!!!!!!!

[Patrick Austin]

Does anyone have a copy of this they could make me, I need it in my life! E-mail me at patrick.austin@citcomm.com if you could make me a copy of this, PLEASE!

[B]

Does anyone know if she is on myspace or facebook? WE NEED TO FIND HER! MY OFFICE IS OBSESSED WITH HER!!!

[Furious George]

I'm with Patrick Austin, (nice double first name) I need Diane and Fat Camp in my hands to watch on a whim and to share its glory with everyone i know. If someone could make a torrent and seed this baby you would instantly become a god in my eyes.

[MARGAUX]

OMG I LOVEEE FAT CAMP!! I WANT TO PUSH DIANE OVER!! I ALSO LOVE ASHLEY AND AMANDA AND I WANT A COPY OF FAT CAMP TO WATCH WITH THEM!!!!

[jessi]

dont have cable =( where can i see this???? can someone send it to me????

[a girl.]

i want to attend a "fat camp" this summer. but i dont know anything or the where abouts of em. any one have any info?.. send it to me if so punk_4_life_10@yahoo.com

[syndey]

i think that you are all fat losers lol go on a diet fatty lol, a fat camp hahahha. you all probly have five chins & and cant see your toes when you look down lol.

truly,
syndey lol

[your flub]

hey i agree with what "a girl" said lmao you fat asses go on slim fast you pudgy basterd... ahhhhhh OH HENRY!!!

[christina and kyle]

i really liked dianne she was a really cool fat girl. i have never laughed so hard at some one falling flat on their face! i wish there was more fat people in the world!

[Maggie]

AMAZING WEBSITE. completely captured my opinions about dianne. I almost pissed my pants. Thank you.

[Liam]

dose anyone know if she is going to monroe woodbury school now?its a big school but i think i see her ALL THE TIME!

Umm...I TAPED FAT CAMP!!! I RULE!!!