Larger than life

Have you met Dianne?

If you haven't, you're in for a treat. Dianne is one of a handful of teens profiled in MTV's instant-classic documentary Fat Camp, which premiered last week. A recap of the entire thing would be a monumental task, with all the XXX-sized drama and romantic subplots (a funny thing about fat kids: they hook up, too). Instead of doing that, I'm just going to focus on the genius of Dianne, since she's at least half the reason why Fat Camp is so great, anyway.

Television is full of annoying people, but none hit the spot quite like Dianne. Really, give me Project Dianne over Project RunJay any day.

There's no one like her.

Well, maybe Selma.

She's 14ish, home-schooled, diabetic . . .

. . . she's got one leg . . . OK, that's a lie. But she might as well for as active as she is. See, fat camp, as you may have guessed, requires its attendees to both diet and exercise (a revolutionary combination, really). Dianne is sort of forced into going to fat camp (her mother, who seems nothing but saintly, is a nurse at the camp profiled in the film). Dianne's less than enthusiastic about participating in activities. Like, this, for example, is as close as she gets to playing dodgeball:

See, no one does lazy like Dianne does lazy. I mean, she's cool, inside . . .

. . . and out. She's all hands-free with the cell phone while she "chills out" in the air conditioning.

What's she doing here?

Oh, of course: involving herself in the exhausting sport of video gaming.

She has to move her fingers, y'all. Can you blame her for needing to lie down to do so?

Truth be told, she's kind of a brat.

"I'm ready to go hang out with my friends and get away from my bitchy-ass roommates," she says. But who's going to hold brattiness against her when she uses a phrase like "bitchy ass?" Not me, for sure. For that one, I forgive her tantrums. Like the one she throws when one fellow camper tries to help her up from her chair, but effectively tosses her on the ground.

And here is the resulting fit.

And here is the resulting trip to see her mom in the infirmary:

"I've fallen three times and twisted my ankle four. I decided it was time to come see you," she announces. She twisted her ankle four times and still can walk. She's practically bionic. She just doesn't know it.

She also pitches a massive freak-out over her bitchy-ass roommates telling her she needs to shower. This is just the intro to the wailing (and towel-dropping exposure) that ensues.

But whatever. She's awesome and extremely crafty, especially when it comes to weight loss.

"I think I'm getting down to the lowest weight my body wants to be at. Is that weird? I've been working harder than I did when I came here, and I was losing more weight when I didn't work as hard. Maybe if I don't do anything this week, I'll lose, like, 10 lbs." Maybe! As long as you keep sharing that twisty, twisty logic with us, you can do whatever you want.

My favorite thing about Dianne, however, is her love of music. She's rarely without her headphones, but get her around live music and she flips out.

I'm not being remotely sarcastic when I say that there's something truly beautiful and enviable in her simplicity here. The band she's responding to isn't particularly accomplished, obviously:

But just the fact that it's music, just the fact that it's live, is enough for Dianne. She's truly inspiring. In a way, I'm jealous that she can get off so easily.

She's so wound up after the show that she feels the need to continue it.

Repeatedly.

Oh yes they are.

Besides weight-loss (Dianne ends up dropping 16 lbs., which is kind of great, considering her insistence on loafing), Fat Camp follows Dianne's social trajectory. See, she's been home-schooled and thus has a hard time connecting with kids. By the end, she's at least enduring human contact.

Hugs and happiness. Seriously, get her a sticker book or some puppies or a fuzzy pen or something.

Totally thrilled.

And what did she get out of the social experience? A lot!

"Camp has helped me get along with kids a lil' better. I still don't understand 'em too well. Just how, how they could be so stupid."

She's come so far to find herself. It's really touching. But really, Fat Camp is a triumph for Dianne. Despite her steadfast social awkwardness, despite her tendency to annoy mercilessly, she's the most compelling character in the whole film. It wouldn't be the same without her, and for hanging onto her individuality so foolishly, Dianne will forever be a patron saint of fourfour. This is my ode to her.

The end of Dianne's story is bittersweet:

But really, if she'd kept it off, how rock and roll would that be?

Such promise, such hope.

Some people see Dianne and say, "Why?" I see her and say, "Why not?"

Comments

[Furious George]

Liam! you must transfer that taping into a digital format and then put that baby on the internet to share with the masses.

[ANNOYNMOUS]

WHAT A FUCKING FATTASS. HEY YOU UGLY BITCH HOW ABOUT YOU TRY LOOSING SOME WIGHT??? I MEAN COME ON YOU FAT ASS BITCH!!!! YOUR WEIGHT IS SICKENING

[sara and kat-your biggest fans]

dear diane, we are your biggest fans. we made shirts with you on there. you insprire us to be thin and beautiful like you. you are the greatest person alive, and we're glad that we watch the show to see a person like you with such great potential. we love you diane. love, your greatest fans. sara and kat

UMMMM ATTENTION EVERYONE; WE ARE THE BIGGEST FANS OF DIANE. NOONE CAN BEAT US, SO DONT TRY =]] love kat and sara

[Natalie Fowler]

i really need clips of Dianne!! can someone please help me find them.. I am her NUMBER 1 Fan!!!!

[Mango]

Hi Rich,

I originally found your blog when I heard rumors that there was a Diane web site and I *had* to check it out. Well you DID NOT disappoint. The sound clip and animated gif are priceless! I had to check back to relive the glory of Diane all over again.

My favorite Diane moments:

1. The towel-dropping scene obviously. That was the best TV I've seen in the last 2 years. The best was when the other campers were giving their forced "appologies." "Diane, I'm really sorry your towel fell and we all laughed at you. I hope you have a better day tomorrow."

2. When Diane falls out of the chair and just lays face down crying for what seemed like an eternity. I mean, did she even brace her fall? The arrows are a nice touch.

3. Sweet Home Alabama. DUH-NANAH-NANANAAAAA!

[Martta]

Yanno, if she lost 50 lbs., and got contacts she would be decent looking. She does have a pretty face. What a shame.

[Amber]

Dianne is on MTV RIGHT NOW! Tues, May 16 2:00 pm EST

And so far, I have learned that she "doesn't like to take a shower in the daytime." The only way this show could be more fabulous is if Jade from ANTM was a camp counselor.

[Jade4u]

Dianne looks like she has Cushing's Syndrome. I hope her doctors will wise-up and decide to test her for it.

[expired ham]

For those of you who don't know what Cushing's Syndrome is, it's a developmental disorder, wehn you start gaining a physical appearance much like the things that you sit on.

End Italics

[kmartta]

I'd like to get that rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama" as my cell phone's ringtone.

[Jade4u]

Cushing's Syndrome, named after the surgeon Harvey Cushing, is a potentially deadly endocrine disorder. http://www.csrf.net/AboutCushings.htm

[M. Novak]

Diane is a superstar.

[Connor Ingersoll aka TIRD]

ya shes a fuckin fat ass forget her

[Cortney]

Hi guys, i just think that what your doing to dianne is really wrong. Shes my friend and she's seen this site and cried herself to sleep every single night. Now she's quite sucicidal! I've caught her at least 4 times.. okay mabye 7 but thats not the point. The point is that shes a big piece of flesh that needs lots of loving! So give it to her! just give it to her!!!

thanks for your consideration. I love you all. love cortney

[dksjf]

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

^^ the american flag

[misssy p]

Diane = my hero.

[butthole]

where are some fucking videos?

[Furious George]

Where are the fucking videos indeed?

[AT]

dianne has a myspace and AIM...i friended her on myspace and she's really nice!

"My site is: www.myspace.com/harbaughrocks

I have a aol im account and that screen name is: Srfr862"

[Dianne Fan]

Someone should make a dianne soundboard. that would be fun

[joe shmoe]

ha ha that fat bitch is pathetic peace nigga

[Kristy MORRISSSSSSSS]

I LOVED fat camp!!! Diane RULES!! i have never laughed so hard at anything in my life... it makes me wanna go to fat camp,,, it would be so funny to site around and watch all the dianes try and lose weight by whining and singing! hehehe....

Your site finally gives "fat camp" and "diane" the recogintion they deserve!!

rock on m.f.s! diane 4 life!
k

[Boo]

I wish I could friend Diane on Myspace!

I caught Fat Camp the day it aired - I coudln't look away!

Oh my God it was too funny and yet so sad.

I wish someone would put it on DVD already, I taped it using my DVR and transferred it to tape, but it would be breat to have it with any extras too!

Thanks for a great website.