Larger than life

Have you met Dianne?

If you haven't, you're in for a treat. Dianne is one of a handful of teens profiled in MTV's instant-classic documentary Fat Camp, which premiered last week. A recap of the entire thing would be a monumental task, with all the XXX-sized drama and romantic subplots (a funny thing about fat kids: they hook up, too). Instead of doing that, I'm just going to focus on the genius of Dianne, since she's at least half the reason why Fat Camp is so great, anyway.

Television is full of annoying people, but none hit the spot quite like Dianne. Really, give me Project Dianne over Project RunJay any day.

There's no one like her.

Well, maybe Selma.

She's 14ish, home-schooled, diabetic . . .

. . . she's got one leg . . . OK, that's a lie. But she might as well for as active as she is. See, fat camp, as you may have guessed, requires its attendees to both diet and exercise (a revolutionary combination, really). Dianne is sort of forced into going to fat camp (her mother, who seems nothing but saintly, is a nurse at the camp profiled in the film). Dianne's less than enthusiastic about participating in activities. Like, this, for example, is as close as she gets to playing dodgeball:

See, no one does lazy like Dianne does lazy. I mean, she's cool, inside . . .

. . . and out. She's all hands-free with the cell phone while she "chills out" in the air conditioning.

What's she doing here?

Oh, of course: involving herself in the exhausting sport of video gaming.

She has to move her fingers, y'all. Can you blame her for needing to lie down to do so?

Truth be told, she's kind of a brat.

"I'm ready to go hang out with my friends and get away from my bitchy-ass roommates," she says. But who's going to hold brattiness against her when she uses a phrase like "bitchy ass?" Not me, for sure. For that one, I forgive her tantrums. Like the one she throws when one fellow camper tries to help her up from her chair, but effectively tosses her on the ground.

And here is the resulting fit.

And here is the resulting trip to see her mom in the infirmary:

"I've fallen three times and twisted my ankle four. I decided it was time to come see you," she announces. She twisted her ankle four times and still can walk. She's practically bionic. She just doesn't know it.

She also pitches a massive freak-out over her bitchy-ass roommates telling her she needs to shower. This is just the intro to the wailing (and towel-dropping exposure) that ensues.

But whatever. She's awesome and extremely crafty, especially when it comes to weight loss.

"I think I'm getting down to the lowest weight my body wants to be at. Is that weird? I've been working harder than I did when I came here, and I was losing more weight when I didn't work as hard. Maybe if I don't do anything this week, I'll lose, like, 10 lbs." Maybe! As long as you keep sharing that twisty, twisty logic with us, you can do whatever you want.

My favorite thing about Dianne, however, is her love of music. She's rarely without her headphones, but get her around live music and she flips out.

I'm not being remotely sarcastic when I say that there's something truly beautiful and enviable in her simplicity here. The band she's responding to isn't particularly accomplished, obviously:

But just the fact that it's music, just the fact that it's live, is enough for Dianne. She's truly inspiring. In a way, I'm jealous that she can get off so easily.

She's so wound up after the show that she feels the need to continue it.

Repeatedly.

Oh yes they are.

Besides weight-loss (Dianne ends up dropping 16 lbs., which is kind of great, considering her insistence on loafing), Fat Camp follows Dianne's social trajectory. See, she's been home-schooled and thus has a hard time connecting with kids. By the end, she's at least enduring human contact.

Hugs and happiness. Seriously, get her a sticker book or some puppies or a fuzzy pen or something.

Totally thrilled.

And what did she get out of the social experience? A lot!

"Camp has helped me get along with kids a lil' better. I still don't understand 'em too well. Just how, how they could be so stupid."

She's come so far to find herself. It's really touching. But really, Fat Camp is a triumph for Dianne. Despite her steadfast social awkwardness, despite her tendency to annoy mercilessly, she's the most compelling character in the whole film. It wouldn't be the same without her, and for hanging onto her individuality so foolishly, Dianne will forever be a patron saint of fourfour. This is my ode to her.

The end of Dianne's story is bittersweet:

But really, if she'd kept it off, how rock and roll would that be?

Such promise, such hope.

Some people see Dianne and say, "Why?" I see her and say, "Why not?"

Comments

[nate]

Diane was the only reason I held in for two hours of that show (on a Friday night no less). Awesome recap. I only wish you had included where she was showing off her new "curves" at the end of camp, she was so proud.

[Adam]

Lol. You did not just compare her to Selma.

[willam]

IT'S PAST THAT! i'm blind i'm blind!!!
this is the best show ever.
i love it when older fattie tried to make the pre pubescent pudgies kiss.

[aquaz1]

Oh Rich. I loved Diane. I just pitied that horrible, wretched little Chunkmonster so much. I'm not necessarily sure if having no friends is a result of her homeschooling or just plain bitchiness, but I just feel so bad. And you forgot about all the other awesome people of that show. Like Petey the Rapist.

[AuntTora]

Dodgeball? This is still considered exercise? I'm still suffering PTSD from my junior high gym teacher Mr. Hanken, who was also of the opinion that throwing balls at people was good healthy activity. Nothing like a little 'Lord of the Flies'-style role-playing to make fat kids feel even better about themselves! Thanks Mr. Hanken, for making me hate the very idea of exercise until a decade after junior high, when I discovered yoga, weight training, swimming and other physical activities that didn't make me want to curl up in a ball on the floor.

[Jen]

Thanks for introducing us to Diane. You never steer us wrong, Rich!

[Shamu]

Oh, she's from Alabama? That makes sense. I hear they do shots of bacon grease down South - straight, no ice.

[ROD]

OH MY GOD! This girl looks just like this girl I went to college with. And I swear to god it could be her! As soon as I saw this, I called a girlfriend of mine and said, "YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO MTV RIGHT NOW!" to which she replied, "OMIGOD I KNOW! I JUST PICKED UP MY PHONE TO CALL YOU! IT'S TOTALLY SARAH!"

[Brandon]

This is single-handedly the funniest review of any show EVER! I've just sent the link to everyone I know! whoo...I've been laughing uncontrollably for the past 10 minutes or so...

[jaime del rio]

speakin as a + size guy i hav to say this thing was kinda funny haha. but kinda sad i mean her attitude is soo nasty haha

[Ms. Peach]

I almost didn't listen to Sweethome Take 2, but I had a feeling it would change my life. And it did.

[Keisha]

OMG Tourette's Camp? GENIUS. Lol, Dianne was such an annoying bitch but made that show soooooooooooooooo funny. And Petey! PETEY! Petey talked sooo much shit, and then cried like a little biatch when they called him on it...and good old MTV for instigating, and showing all the footage of him talking his mess. LMAO.

Fat Camp - LOVE IT.

[Grant]

I have been reading ur blog since like November of 2005 but I never commented because I merely respected ur amazing entries from afar be it the project runway or your cat's blogs I've loved them all, I've watched Fat Camp 4 times now and I'm so thrilled to see you did an entry on it, and was petey not totally cute @ the end?! maybe it was just me :\ thanks four four! ur blog is my absolute favorite!

[Janie]

she should have "tooken a shower!" in the first place. i love it. i want more. "fat camp" can't be over because i've just learned to love it so.

[Arthur James]

I haven't seen the show/movie yet and now I have no need to....You are freakin brilliant, Rich, and that recap was as good as bacon.

xo

[ChiliGurl]

Rich, I saw this the other night too!! I SO wanted to kick Dianne in her fat head! And when she fell out of that chair, I wished I was there to kick her in the ribs! This brat needs her phone and video games and all that crap taken away from her big ass. And I can say all of this because I used to weigh a ton as well. She needs her ass whipped.

[spazmo]

It's true!
She's like an Icelandic funhouse mirror,
only with a couple of tons more fun!

And I guess you're fun, too Rich.
(Even though Dianne would probably snort in derision at your idea of "chunk".)

[PV]

Ohhh, prettty pretty Dianne, why so glum?? Perhaps it's because you have a tad bit of the diveil in you!? Work!

[Steph]

What I liked was her additions to "Sweet Home Alabama"....."Sweet Home Alabama, oh sweet home, Where skies are so blue, they really are!" Hahahahahahaha!

[tracey]

I LOVED THIS GIRL. I am glad you did a highlight on your website. I have been telling my sisters to catch the show just to watch her. She does need her own show. She is hilarious..

[kate]

I've been reading for a while now (ok, obsessively checking every day to see what new and wonderful commentary will pop up) but I NEED to comment on this post- I thought I was the only one that appreciated the genius that is Dianne. Bravo.

[Steph]

Did anyone catch what her shirt said? "@#$% my family, I'm going to go live with the Osbournes"....Awesome...she truly is rock n roll.

[Stacy]

Now I *know* her whole story can't be true. NO ONE enjoys their freshman year of high school.

[eliot]

Sorry, Rich, I don't buy it. I think she's rock 'n roll in a very "bus driver" kind of way, if that makes any sense.

[katie]

thank you thank you thank you! I totally watched this show (It kicked true life: I'm at fat camp's ass) and I couldn't even explain Dianne's weird mom and or sloth workout plan to anyone. Oh and the beached whale skinned knees montage. . . Though I haven't seen anyone post on Marisa's shirt ripping off reprimand. Should a counselor really be using the word pussy in front of 11 year olds? Oh why not? Thanks again for the recap magic.