Larger than life

Have you met Dianne?

If you haven't, you're in for a treat. Dianne is one of a handful of teens profiled in MTV's instant-classic documentary Fat Camp, which premiered last week. A recap of the entire thing would be a monumental task, with all the XXX-sized drama and romantic subplots (a funny thing about fat kids: they hook up, too). Instead of doing that, I'm just going to focus on the genius of Dianne, since she's at least half the reason why Fat Camp is so great, anyway.

Television is full of annoying people, but none hit the spot quite like Dianne. Really, give me Project Dianne over Project RunJay any day.

There's no one like her.

Well, maybe Selma.

She's 14ish, home-schooled, diabetic . . .

. . . she's got one leg . . . OK, that's a lie. But she might as well for as active as she is. See, fat camp, as you may have guessed, requires its attendees to both diet and exercise (a revolutionary combination, really). Dianne is sort of forced into going to fat camp (her mother, who seems nothing but saintly, is a nurse at the camp profiled in the film). Dianne's less than enthusiastic about participating in activities. Like, this, for example, is as close as she gets to playing dodgeball:

See, no one does lazy like Dianne does lazy. I mean, she's cool, inside . . .

. . . and out. She's all hands-free with the cell phone while she "chills out" in the air conditioning.

What's she doing here?

Oh, of course: involving herself in the exhausting sport of video gaming.

She has to move her fingers, y'all. Can you blame her for needing to lie down to do so?

Truth be told, she's kind of a brat.

"I'm ready to go hang out with my friends and get away from my bitchy-ass roommates," she says. But who's going to hold brattiness against her when she uses a phrase like "bitchy ass?" Not me, for sure. For that one, I forgive her tantrums. Like the one she throws when one fellow camper tries to help her up from her chair, but effectively tosses her on the ground.

And here is the resulting fit.

And here is the resulting trip to see her mom in the infirmary:

"I've fallen three times and twisted my ankle four. I decided it was time to come see you," she announces. She twisted her ankle four times and still can walk. She's practically bionic. She just doesn't know it.

She also pitches a massive freak-out over her bitchy-ass roommates telling her she needs to shower. This is just the intro to the wailing (and towel-dropping exposure) that ensues.

But whatever. She's awesome and extremely crafty, especially when it comes to weight loss.

"I think I'm getting down to the lowest weight my body wants to be at. Is that weird? I've been working harder than I did when I came here, and I was losing more weight when I didn't work as hard. Maybe if I don't do anything this week, I'll lose, like, 10 lbs." Maybe! As long as you keep sharing that twisty, twisty logic with us, you can do whatever you want.

My favorite thing about Dianne, however, is her love of music. She's rarely without her headphones, but get her around live music and she flips out.

I'm not being remotely sarcastic when I say that there's something truly beautiful and enviable in her simplicity here. The band she's responding to isn't particularly accomplished, obviously:

But just the fact that it's music, just the fact that it's live, is enough for Dianne. She's truly inspiring. In a way, I'm jealous that she can get off so easily.

She's so wound up after the show that she feels the need to continue it.

Repeatedly.

Oh yes they are.

Besides weight-loss (Dianne ends up dropping 16 lbs., which is kind of great, considering her insistence on loafing), Fat Camp follows Dianne's social trajectory. See, she's been home-schooled and thus has a hard time connecting with kids. By the end, she's at least enduring human contact.

Hugs and happiness. Seriously, get her a sticker book or some puppies or a fuzzy pen or something.

Totally thrilled.

And what did she get out of the social experience? A lot!

"Camp has helped me get along with kids a lil' better. I still don't understand 'em too well. Just how, how they could be so stupid."

She's come so far to find herself. It's really touching. But really, Fat Camp is a triumph for Dianne. Despite her steadfast social awkwardness, despite her tendency to annoy mercilessly, she's the most compelling character in the whole film. It wouldn't be the same without her, and for hanging onto her individuality so foolishly, Dianne will forever be a patron saint of fourfour. This is my ode to her.

The end of Dianne's story is bittersweet:

But really, if she'd kept it off, how rock and roll would that be?

Such promise, such hope.

Some people see Dianne and say, "Why?" I see her and say, "Why not?"

Comments

[BOBO]

i dead inside almost 8.9 times. thank you so much.

[Kia]

she looks like she has an autosomal recessive disorder. she has no facial features at all. it's just skin. poor muscle tone, like people with Downs.

Or she comes from a very shallow gene pool. I'm going with option 2.

[Takeitoutside.BITCH]

Dianne was the only reason I didn't turn the station..LMAO!..Who has to tell you to take a shower? Seriously..that's disgusting. The apologies the 'bitchy ass roomates' gave were just as hilarious...

[steven]

what a fat piece of shit.

[Danielle]

That girl is the most disgusting piece of shit I've ever seen. The only reason I watched is because I was mesmerized by the massive blob of fat called Dianne. The fact that she lost 16 lbs. is amazing, considering almost every time I saw her, she was in the "beached-whale" position. It's worthless to waste the time trying to help someone like her.

[Elissa (Nigel's mom)]

Rich-

Your recaps are soo good. Check out this TWOP thread in which your Diane spread was posted. I made sure it was attributed to you.
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3135835&st=315

love to Winston!

[Brandon]

While I was watching, I kept wondering how she could be so large - so round - but have absolutely no tits to speak of. Just bizarre.

[tipsymcstagger]

She is flipping fantastic. I loved, loved, loved it when she was telling another camper how she needed 'ointment' for her legs. I can only imagine what the ointment is for...oy.

[Toby]

OMG, I loved this episode! Thanks for recapping it so wonderfully.

Ahaha, I love that clip when she says that camp has helped her understand kids a "lil'" better. Good captioning on the "lil'", Rich. She talks like a fat kid should talk - gotta rouuund out those "littles". Good catch. I like that.

please please PLEEEEEEEEEASE do a recap of the fat doc. it was fucking hysterical and you could do wonders with it.

[vixyn]

I am so glad u did this! She was fing hysterical do u know who she looks like? The monster boss in Disney's Monster Inc. who is always on Mike for his paperwork!

[Trey]

Dianne is Tone-Def. My ears were bleeding as she sang the song. I think Lynrd Skynrd should sue her

[gayest neil]

You better send your babies to Fat Cat Camp.

[Sara]

HILARIOUS! I was just laughing so hard my coworker came over to see what all the fuss was about. Very funny post. Let's just hope MTV comes out with a sequel.

[johnny]

Rich - I can see why you focused on Diane...I mean, Star, capital "S". But nothing on the most annoying lump to passive/agressive his way across my TV screen in years, Petey?

I had to FF the TiVo when he was getting all Chi Chi LaRue, trying to direct kiddie porn with those two 10-year old kids.

[largeheartedboy]

Documentary of the year, I watched it twice! The only thing better was this post.

[bethanne]

oh rich, you are my personal hero for this entry. (and yeah, i'm a kiss-ass)

i watched fat camp on sunday and loved it. dianne = diva. not "diva" as whitney or santino, but diva in her own right. and fucking hysterical to boot. i'm so hoping this comes out on dvd - or reruns on MTV so i can tape that shit!

and even though you probably didn't suffer through it, it would have been a hoot to go through project jay, but i'm excited to see you dissect guadalupe's drunken speeches. girl had a BIG cocktail and i was like "no wonder she got insanely shitfaced!"

[Johnny Mac]

How about the REALLY dorky kid that came up to her an made the quote "yeah.....Alabama...that's what its all about". Poor kid is struggling just to get a word in with the camp loser......and she shrugs him off.

[Foxy]

Oh, Richie. I do love you, but you totally got overshadowed by the mere idea of Tourette's Camp.

[Sara]

My brother dated Marissa, and apparently Dianne is really that off kilter.

[Rebecca]

I'm glad other people fell in love with Dianne...I laughed so much it hurt when I first watched "Fat Camp"...and then I felt like a horrible person. And who can forget Petey? That boy deserves a fourfour of his own.
Just as a sidenote in response to bethanne's comment about guadelupe... that girl wasn't drunk...them's drugs i'm thinking, and not your garden-variety green stuff.

[MJ]

Regarding Dianne's quick dismissal of Alabama (when she was asked if she was actually from there): Listen, Galaxina--we don't want you. We have plenty of irritating, morbidly obese, socially-malformed home-schooled freaks already. Thanks, though!

I'm not sure if you saw this interview of Tim Gunn by out.com: http://www2.out.com/detail.asp?id=16699

[Michael]

That gif of Dianne playing dodgeball is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen.