What's up, sluts?
ANTM's return is looming like Mr. Jay's orange glow. Last week the new crop of young women who foolishly think they're signing up for a modeling competition was announced, thus once again making that March 8 premiere/semi-finals episode irrelevant (Will Joanie make it to the Top 13? Um, yes. Does this competition really have a place for someone who goes by the name of Mollie Sue? Absolutely. Will there be any Asians this time around? Why, certainly!).
I kind of love that the show announces the Top 13 weeks in advance, only to devote the first hour of the "cycle" to the process of weeding down the applicants to that very group. It's as though Tyra Banks and Ken Mok are saying, "You are ours. You will watch this regardless of our suspense demolition in the name of pre-season promotion. You are ours." And we are. Or at least, I am. Really: they could announce the winner tomorrow and I'd still ride this shit out to the end and love it.
So, I guess, as a sign of my devotion to ANTM (because I'm sure many doubt my commitment), I'm seeing the inherent shallowness of this pretty parade and raising it by judging these girls before I've really seen them in action. That's right, we're talking exponential superficiality.
We'll start with the girl whose stay I predict will be the shortest.
Her blandness is so extreme it should be riveting. Except, y'know, it's bland. She looks like Sarah Cracknell of Saint Etienne, but I doubt she has that sort of quaint charm. The girl's a house painter, for Chrissake! Also, she describes herself in her pre-show interview as a "tough cookie." Hmmmm. I don't even think the possibility of her being a vagina connoisseur is enough to save her or her odd eye.
I couldn't get Joanie's pre-show interview to load, but I'm feeling a similar blandness from her. Maybe it's the Celine Dion vibe I'm getting from these pictures, followed by notes of bottlenosed dolphin and Mac Tonight.
Brooke comes off much cuter when she talks than in pictures, which obviously is going to be a problem. Especially because the whole bee-stung thing she's rocking isn't really bee-stung at all. It's more jellyfish ravaged. Also? She looks like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, which is cool since Sara looks like Scarlett Johansson:
I really hope that Brooke and Sara have hot sex in some field during a rainstorm, only to begin a torrid affair that will result in Sara's pregnancy and eventual murder at Brooke's hand. Or something.
One more blandy:
I believe that Danielle is the one I chose as my favorite in the original group shot. Oops. Can she only serve when she has wings attached to her back? Also, her pre-show interview reveals a willful naivete: "Basically, almost all the girls who have ever been on Top Model are, like working." The operative word in that sentence is "like."
Tranny-voiced Wendy is busted to the point where I feel the need to issue Mya a public apology for ever comparing Wendy to her. Sorry MyMy! (Shut up, Rich. You are stupid and have no idea what you're talking about.) Wendy, though, may stick around for a while as she's from New Orleans and the show will need to develop at least a minor Katrina-related subplot for Wendy to really serve her purpose (any coincidence that the girl auditioned twice before this cycle and just show got the green light?).
I like this one a lot. Her nose and mouth remind me of my mom's. I like that she might have a twist of something else within the happy-to-be-nappy look. Really cute. The problem? She's 1,000 years old. And by that, I mean 26. Her skinny ass would have more luck working the "Plus size and loving it" angle. I just look forward to see how the judges will eventually use Jade's age against her if she's good. ("You're losing your youth. As each day goes by your age increases, Jade. Yesterday, you were so much younger.")
Speaking of something else, here's Gina. I'm sure a lot of people think that she can ride the token-Asian wave to stick around for at least half the season, but that's not the case with this show: the ravishing Julie, the show's sole Indian ambassador, was the third finalist to be kicked off during the third season. ANTM does not care about holding onto types. This Gina chick is not cute -- she has the face to match Wendy's tranny voice. Also, she is baring her teeth with the ferocity of a woodland creature. But, Gina is otherwise kind of awesome, as she reveals herself to be a kind of poor, deaf, blind and retarded man's Margaret Cho. Here, have a listen. I'm in love.
Kari says she doesn't like drama, so I'm hoping that she'll be boring enough to kick out within the first few episodes. I don't know how long I can stomach watching this Britney Spears-cocker spaniel crossbreed.
With those out of the way, here are my picks for the Top 4 (in no real order):
Her name smacks of foreign sophistication and playground teasing, and so it follows that Nnenna is both capable of serious, intimidating gorgeousness and this endearing cuteness. Seriously. In these two pictures, I already see a wide range. Unless she's totally incompetent, expect the judges to lavish her with praise (I figure we'll hear about how gorgeous her skin is at least once an episode). I get the feeling that this girl doesn't even need this competition.
At first, when I saw her, I sort of dismissed M.S. as being nothing but an Amanda knock-off (which is kind of as sad as being a Metro 7 knock-off). But then, I saw a little bit of Famke Janssen staring my way, and I was hooked. I do worry about M.S.'s capacity for good TV, though. "I'll be the class clown of the group," she deadpans in her pre-show interview. She sounds a wink away from catatonia.
Leslie is stunning, with the kind of racial ambiguity that this show loves. She's 18, which is great, though I do think that she has a mature (not aged, but mature) look, which might actually hurt her. We'll see what happens, but as of now, I think Leslie could take the whole thing. The only problem? She watches the show ironically. I know, what she means to say is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, ironically" (the comma makes the difference) and what she means to mean is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, coincidentally," but still. She needs to get with the program, literally.
And finally, my new potential pride and joy, my new love child with Fresh and the new female who's going to test the limits of my Kinsey number . . .
Why do I love her so? Let's examine the evidence.
- She is T-Bozian.
- Her favorite food is corn. Not a corn dish. Not a corn on the cob. Not Jimmy Crack Corn. Just corn.
- Her favorite shows are Being Bobby Brown and ANTM (OMG, me too!!!).
- Her name is Furonda.
She is perfect. And even beyond perfect, previously troubled. A wonderful person named Teddy B. send in this story from the April 2, 2000 issue of The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas:
(Here is a pdf of the entire page from which I clipped the item.)
The age is right, the location is right (you'll see in her profile that Furonda hails from Arkansas). But most importantly the name is right. I mean, come on, how many Furondas are there? A quick look at a "Furonda" search on Google reveals relics of one woman's past.
Anyway, even though it was just counterfeit money, a criminal history is a criminal history (say what you will about Rocco, but he totally called the gangsta-ho thing last week -- motherfucker is prescient). Anyway, I full expect this bit of Furonda's past to be divulged and explored by the show and then used to hit us on the head over and over and over ("Tha's the old Furonda!").
"I'm guessing this is part of Tyra's whole transformation theme this season," wrote Teddy B., in his email. Good call! I was hoping for lopped off penises, but I'll take this, too. Obviously.
I sort of dismissed M.S. as being nothing but an Amanda knock-off (which is kind of as sad as being a Metro 7 knock-off)
Speaking of Amandas, I just went all Lady Sylvia Marsh to this comment.
Posted by: Eric | February 20, 2006 at 03:27 PM
Spot on Sir Rich.
Its like they pick 4 girls that could very likely be models and the rest are random mall rats that passed the height test.
I hope this season is full 'o' drama and crying.
Are there just no tall,skinny hot girls left in America?
Posted by: brandy | February 20, 2006 at 04:30 PM
Leslie is making me weak, I can hardly breathe, and all that. I was digging Mollie Sue until you so correctly called out her Amanda-ness, hopefully her clowning doesn't involve blindness in any form.
I LOVE your Furonda research. She's got some trail. I bet these notes are fake too!
Posted by: Neha | February 20, 2006 at 04:51 PM
I'm delurking to say I love your site (your pics of Winston make my day when they are posted) and to say that you're on the right trail for Furonda.She's on Facebook as well; she attended U. of A., Fayetteville. I'm rooting for her
Just so you know, there's as many Furondas as there are Fallons. We like our names funky in Arkansas, it attracts the strange people here if nothing else.
Posted by: Fallon Z. | February 20, 2006 at 05:18 PM
I don't think I'm supposed to tell anyone, but my bff Amanda is from Brookings, S.D. and knows's Kari pretty well. More importantly, Amanda's mom and Kari's mom apparently party together (or something weird like that), and Kari's mother let it slip (thank-you Grey Goose) that her daughter made it to the show.
Bad news though: the poor girl was only "away" for about a month and a half. I say she'll be gone by episode 3.
Bummer.
Posted by: Ian | February 20, 2006 at 05:23 PM
Rich:
Reading this I realize you and your first love (ANTM) have been Reunited And It Feels So Good and we will benefit from that love.
Posted by: M to the G | February 20, 2006 at 05:43 PM
ur witting insights keep me coming back for more. of these sneak peek pics, i'm totally digging Nnenna right now. we'll see who i ultimately fag out for. thank god for fourfour!
Posted by: Joe | February 20, 2006 at 06:15 PM
Wow, Furonda listed "City of God" among her favorite movies. This woman is FIERCE (as in "I am gonna cut you to pieces and dispose of the bloody evidence in Acme plastic bags all over town, if that puts me any closer to the Final Three. Love, Furonda.") A-DO-REI!
Posted by: Just little me | February 20, 2006 at 06:32 PM
I really hope that Brooke and Sara have hot sex in some field during a rainstorm, only to begin a torrid affair that will result in Sara's pregnancy and eventual murder at Brooke's hand. Or something.
Dear god, I love you, Rich. I'd bet that Furonda and Nnenna bring the drama; they're wicked hot and seem to have enough bitch-charisma to take the catfights and crying all the way to the finals.
Posted by: NV | February 20, 2006 at 06:51 PM
This group is seriously lacking. I see no potentials at all! I'm so disappointed. =( I know a few beautiful tall slendar girls better than these girls!
Posted by: s | February 20, 2006 at 07:30 PM
Loved your Match Point reference. I hope to God (aka Bre) that Sara and Brooke make sweet passionate loving in a wheat feild during a rainstorm.
Nnenna is perfection. Furonda is the show. I can't wait to see all the drama she starts and all the ferocity she brings.
Posted by: Nikos | February 20, 2006 at 07:51 PM
Okay I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if Gina can wrangle in those teeth I see her going pretty far. However, I don't see her being able to do that so I'm going to say spot on.
Furonda is hotness (if she can open BOTH eyes), Jade is hotness, Leslie is hotness.
and Kari looks a lot like our beloved winner of last season. *Gags*
Posted by: James | February 20, 2006 at 10:05 PM
"Mac Tonight". I laughed so hard I'm still crying. I like your top 4. I'd hope Jade would be up there but her age will definitely be used against her.
Posted by: Saun | February 20, 2006 at 11:27 PM
Dude, are you sure it was Wendy you called Mya in the fairy shot? I thought that was Leslie. Wendy would be top row, third from left. Compare noses, no?
Posted by: White Rabbit | February 21, 2006 at 01:10 AM
You are so right. Fixing. Thanks!
Posted by: Rich | February 21, 2006 at 01:26 AM
"Britney Spears-cocker spaniel crossbreed."
I think I love you.
And is it just me or is Furonda looking Kiera Knightlyish?
Nnenna's easily in the top 3...or 2...or 1.
Posted by: Quel | February 21, 2006 at 01:55 AM
The brit-cocker cross gives me nightmares of stunned nicole from last cycle.
So excited, TV sucks without my silly models and the Jays. You are right, Tyra and Ken Mok have us and they know it. I would watch even the where are they now about the ones who don't make the final 13. I wonder which country they will embarrass themselves in this time?
Posted by: Jacquie | February 21, 2006 at 02:16 AM
Heh, thought you might be interested in this little website malfunction someone from TWoP caught:
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a231/Tienko/Cycle6Shot2.jpg (posted by Tienko)
They took it down right away, but it managed to capture the complete fug of some of these girls, pre-photoshopping. Here's the final result: http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model6/models/
Posted by: | February 21, 2006 at 03:43 AM
I like your calls for top 4. Based on these pics only, I am calling Mollie Sue.
You are so right about the age thing with Jade, she's very cute but they will start reminding her of the daily aging process. Very well put.
Re: the top main picture - Turquoise Jewellery?????
I thought they were going to be turning into fairies or something...
Posted by: Jacquie | February 21, 2006 at 11:31 AM
Wow! Those two images (linked above) are great! I tried to line them up and then quickly switch back and forth to capture the differences. I didn't realize they would shift them around so much... a lot of subtle Photoshop going on in that photo!
Posted by: erik | February 21, 2006 at 11:34 AM
$10 dollars says that Furonda will be the first to say, " I didn't come here to make friends.." There is a fire burning in that child.
Leslie will definitely be in the top 3 if she doesn't suck during shoots...and oh yeah, if she has a personality.
Good picks Rich. Let the Friggin' games begin!
Posted by: Coy | February 21, 2006 at 11:47 AM
Wendy looks like the low-budget love child of Jai Rodriguez and Veronica Webb.
Jade is gorgeous but she does look old.
Furonda's name is Furonda. That is all.
Posted by: Tams | February 21, 2006 at 11:48 AM
funny, I don't remember eating Furonda.
I call Brooke as the one that the judges whittle down to the nubbins, and then just when her spirit is completely broken, they accuse her of not having the sparkling personality that got her on the show in the first place. God damn i love this show!!
Posted by: Noah | February 21, 2006 at 12:04 PM
I believe all the girls are kept around for the same amount of time no matter when they're eliminated...the losers just get sequestered until the show is done filming. Otherwise it would be way too obvious who the winner was for those with inquiring minds. A month and a half is probably how long it took to film the whole season. PS: Mollie Sue is only a year younger than Jade, putting her at 999 years. Still too damn old. And too tan to be dying her hair red.
Posted by: svrb | February 21, 2006 at 12:35 PM
Hey! I actually go to school with Furonda, and criminal past or not, she actually is a really great girl. I actually just talked to her the other day and she seemed really excited about the show...so..maybe she makes it far?..I dunno...
Posted by: Brandon | February 21, 2006 at 12:54 PM