What's up, sluts?
ANTM's return is looming like Mr. Jay's orange glow. Last week the new crop of young women who foolishly think they're signing up for a modeling competition was announced, thus once again making that March 8 premiere/semi-finals episode irrelevant (Will Joanie make it to the Top 13? Um, yes. Does this competition really have a place for someone who goes by the name of Mollie Sue? Absolutely. Will there be any Asians this time around? Why, certainly!).
I kind of love that the show announces the Top 13 weeks in advance, only to devote the first hour of the "cycle" to the process of weeding down the applicants to that very group. It's as though Tyra Banks and Ken Mok are saying, "You are ours. You will watch this regardless of our suspense demolition in the name of pre-season promotion. You are ours." And we are. Or at least, I am. Really: they could announce the winner tomorrow and I'd still ride this shit out to the end and love it.
So, I guess, as a sign of my devotion to ANTM (because I'm sure many doubt my commitment), I'm seeing the inherent shallowness of this pretty parade and raising it by judging these girls before I've really seen them in action. That's right, we're talking exponential superficiality.
We'll start with the girl whose stay I predict will be the shortest.
Her blandness is so extreme it should be riveting. Except, y'know, it's bland. She looks like Sarah Cracknell of Saint Etienne, but I doubt she has that sort of quaint charm. The girl's a house painter, for Chrissake! Also, she describes herself in her pre-show interview as a "tough cookie." Hmmmm. I don't even think the possibility of her being a vagina connoisseur is enough to save her or her odd eye.
I couldn't get Joanie's pre-show interview to load, but I'm feeling a similar blandness from her. Maybe it's the Celine Dion vibe I'm getting from these pictures, followed by notes of bottlenosed dolphin and Mac Tonight.
Brooke comes off much cuter when she talks than in pictures, which obviously is going to be a problem. Especially because the whole bee-stung thing she's rocking isn't really bee-stung at all. It's more jellyfish ravaged. Also? She looks like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, which is cool since Sara looks like Scarlett Johansson:
I really hope that Brooke and Sara have hot sex in some field during a rainstorm, only to begin a torrid affair that will result in Sara's pregnancy and eventual murder at Brooke's hand. Or something.
One more blandy:
I believe that Danielle is the one I chose as my favorite in the original group shot. Oops. Can she only serve when she has wings attached to her back? Also, her pre-show interview reveals a willful naivete: "Basically, almost all the girls who have ever been on Top Model are, like working." The operative word in that sentence is "like."
Tranny-voiced Wendy is busted to the point where I feel the need to issue Mya a public apology for ever comparing Wendy to her. Sorry MyMy! (Shut up, Rich. You are stupid and have no idea what you're talking about.) Wendy, though, may stick around for a while as she's from New Orleans and the show will need to develop at least a minor Katrina-related subplot for Wendy to really serve her purpose (any coincidence that the girl auditioned twice before this cycle and just show got the green light?).
I like this one a lot. Her nose and mouth remind me of my mom's. I like that she might have a twist of something else within the happy-to-be-nappy look. Really cute. The problem? She's 1,000 years old. And by that, I mean 26. Her skinny ass would have more luck working the "Plus size and loving it" angle. I just look forward to see how the judges will eventually use Jade's age against her if she's good. ("You're losing your youth. As each day goes by your age increases, Jade. Yesterday, you were so much younger.")
Speaking of something else, here's Gina. I'm sure a lot of people think that she can ride the token-Asian wave to stick around for at least half the season, but that's not the case with this show: the ravishing Julie, the show's sole Indian ambassador, was the third finalist to be kicked off during the third season. ANTM does not care about holding onto types. This Gina chick is not cute -- she has the face to match Wendy's tranny voice. Also, she is baring her teeth with the ferocity of a woodland creature. But, Gina is otherwise kind of awesome, as she reveals herself to be a kind of poor, deaf, blind and retarded man's Margaret Cho. Here, have a listen. I'm in love.
Kari says she doesn't like drama, so I'm hoping that she'll be boring enough to kick out within the first few episodes. I don't know how long I can stomach watching this Britney Spears-cocker spaniel crossbreed.
With those out of the way, here are my picks for the Top 4 (in no real order):
Her name smacks of foreign sophistication and playground teasing, and so it follows that Nnenna is both capable of serious, intimidating gorgeousness and this endearing cuteness. Seriously. In these two pictures, I already see a wide range. Unless she's totally incompetent, expect the judges to lavish her with praise (I figure we'll hear about how gorgeous her skin is at least once an episode). I get the feeling that this girl doesn't even need this competition.
At first, when I saw her, I sort of dismissed M.S. as being nothing but an Amanda knock-off (which is kind of as sad as being a Metro 7 knock-off). But then, I saw a little bit of Famke Janssen staring my way, and I was hooked. I do worry about M.S.'s capacity for good TV, though. "I'll be the class clown of the group," she deadpans in her pre-show interview. She sounds a wink away from catatonia.
Leslie is stunning, with the kind of racial ambiguity that this show loves. She's 18, which is great, though I do think that she has a mature (not aged, but mature) look, which might actually hurt her. We'll see what happens, but as of now, I think Leslie could take the whole thing. The only problem? She watches the show ironically. I know, what she means to say is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, ironically" (the comma makes the difference) and what she means to mean is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, coincidentally," but still. She needs to get with the program, literally.
And finally, my new potential pride and joy, my new love child with Fresh and the new female who's going to test the limits of my Kinsey number . . .
Why do I love her so? Let's examine the evidence.
- She is T-Bozian.
- Her favorite food is corn. Not a corn dish. Not a corn on the cob. Not Jimmy Crack Corn. Just corn.
- Her favorite shows are Being Bobby Brown and ANTM (OMG, me too!!!).
- Her name is Furonda.
She is perfect. And even beyond perfect, previously troubled. A wonderful person named Teddy B. send in this story from the April 2, 2000 issue of The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas:
(Here is a pdf of the entire page from which I clipped the item.)
The age is right, the location is right (you'll see in her profile that Furonda hails from Arkansas). But most importantly the name is right. I mean, come on, how many Furondas are there? A quick look at a "Furonda" search on Google reveals relics of one woman's past.
Anyway, even though it was just counterfeit money, a criminal history is a criminal history (say what you will about Rocco, but he totally called the gangsta-ho thing last week -- motherfucker is prescient). Anyway, I full expect this bit of Furonda's past to be divulged and explored by the show and then used to hit us on the head over and over and over ("Tha's the old Furonda!").
"I'm guessing this is part of Tyra's whole transformation theme this season," wrote Teddy B., in his email. Good call! I was hoping for lopped off penises, but I'll take this, too. Obviously.
I won't sleep for the next week waiting for this show to start!
Posted by: FingerBang Joe | February 21, 2006 at 01:21 PM
I agree with you with Nnena. I think she has the most potential. She reminds of this top model Yasmin Warsame.
http://www.supermodels.nl/Pages/ModelImages.aspx?iModelId=447&Page=1
But Furonda will bring all the sweet drama.
God I love this show!!!
Posted by: niwde | February 21, 2006 at 01:36 PM
Rich, when I read, "It's more jellyfish ravaged.", my drink almost squirted out my nose. You are hilarious.
And, is it me, or does Kari look EXACTLY like Nicole from last cycle? WTF? The only thing worse, is if they have a Nik lookalike that Kari could steal the competition from.
Posted by: duane | February 21, 2006 at 02:51 PM
To piggyback off Quel's statement, Furonda looks like a cross between Kiera Knightley and Golden Brooks. I'm rooting for her and Danielle cuz we're fellow Arkansans!
I like Jade, too, but you are SO correct about the age thing. The judges kill me. THEY pick her for the show, but then they'll turn around and blame her for being 26, like she snuck it up on them or something.
Posted by: summer | February 21, 2006 at 03:38 PM
Summer,
I feel you on the age thing. If 26 is too old don't let them on the show.
Posted by: FingerBang Joe | February 21, 2006 at 05:21 PM
Rich, I'm glad they put up all the top 13 videos and photos because the real show for me is your commentary, and today's episode was on point. I like Nnenna the most, but my money's on Leslie. She's tall, young and am I the only one who thinks her pre-show photo was much hotter than any of her other pics?
Posted by: vivilove | February 21, 2006 at 06:01 PM
Who cares who's gonna win - I wanna know which bitch is gonna shed the most tears.
Let the crying count begin!
Posted by: Carly | February 21, 2006 at 09:14 PM
wendy looks like jennifer beals.
and i agree with carly- who cares who wins. i want to know who has latent lesbian tendencies.
Posted by: t kitty | February 21, 2006 at 10:08 PM
i'm liking gina, leslie and furonda =)
Posted by: Raymond Chiu | February 21, 2006 at 11:42 PM
leslie is supposedly bi.
atleast it says so on her myspace.
http://www.myspace.com/miss_lesliemancia
Posted by: jim | February 22, 2006 at 01:36 AM
i'm liking brooke more than you at this point. tyra with her freak forehead loves people with some freaky feature, like wax lips. kari is like pointing a gun at a plastic surgeon and saying make me look like denise richards. s/he does the surgery but with a shaky hand.
Posted by: avi | February 22, 2006 at 02:41 AM
It's funny you call Furonda "T-Bozian" as my first reaction was "O'so Krispian." In-teresting.
Posted by: Liz | February 23, 2006 at 05:35 PM
i don't know why tyra won't just do a antm loser season and bring back past girls instead of all these look-a-likes and updates on her other show
Posted by: danielle | February 24, 2006 at 04:19 PM
I don't know about Furonda, she looks like she'll go the "angry black girl" route of so many before her. See: Both Ebonys (Ebonies?), Tiffany, etc.
My money's on her cutting someone before the third elimination. Or even during.
Posted by: Christopher | February 27, 2006 at 07:24 PM
From the Top Model update email:
"In Pasadena, California, Tyra Banks, Jay Manuel and J. Alexander narrow thousands of aspiring models to 32 semi-finalists, and eventually down to a group of 13. Janice Dickinson leads the finalists into a grueling press conference, and competitors battle for the spotlight. The models move into their amazing new house in Los Angeles, and later, Jay Manuel reveals that they will be bald in their first photo shoot.
Special guests include supermodel Janice Dickinson, TV personalities Todd Newton, Rolanda Watts, Trey Smith, and Tina Frazier, fashion expert Trish Moreno, fashion model Eve Salvail, and photographer Pascal Demeester."
Posted by: John R | February 28, 2006 at 01:24 PM
Furonda is a homegirl from Sugar Town and I'm wishing her much love and respect,because I know she's going to bring it and we all are behind her to win. REPRESENT STUTTGART all the way!!!
Posted by: Shun | March 03, 2006 at 06:19 PM
"My money's on her cutting someone before the third elimination. Or even during."
like a christmas ham. with corn.
i have to say i love kari. she won't go far but i can't help but stare at those ridiculous pornstar lips and imagining her sucking on my strap on. whoa i'm going all lezbo over here!
and this mollie sue is not amanda-esque, but rather the rockabilly chick from season 3 - Nicole I believe? who also had no personality...
Posted by: miss c | March 09, 2006 at 09:49 AM
Love Jade she is tooooooo old and looks it...but so love her she reminds me of moi to muchoos...Nneena will def' come a long way but she aint gonna win...Nope dont think so..even though I am Nigerian and all she will def prob be in the top 6...BUT JADE ALL THE WAY...
Posted by: Temi | March 09, 2006 at 04:11 PM
Wendy.... THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE IS ON ANTM IS B/C SHE IS A HURRICANE SURVIVOR!!! AND IF SHE WASNT SHE WOULD BE KICKED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELLING IT THE WAY IT IS MEL!!
Posted by: MELISSA PESCE | March 09, 2006 at 09:50 PM
Rich I have to disagree with you on Ms. Furunda being T-Bozian...she was more like Keenesha Carter from the movie Lean on Me with that nappy ball of hair she had on her head on the first episode...but i guess she really is a Cameleon, because she was able to flip the script and look like some of the crack heads we got out here in DC when she was rocking that Mop stick wig.....lol....i love your post though, you and fresh!...I probably wrote this too late, you will probably never read this one(LOL)
Posted by: jerry | March 10, 2006 at 06:36 PM
Tyra always seem to pick these young ghetto, drama fill black girls to do ANTM. A friend of mind (Shelley) did her talk show about race and she totally set my friend Shelley up when she got out there to LA for the drama and ratings. Tyra hire some girl to pretend like she knows my friend (Shelley) and had the girl stand up in the audience and say all these awful things about my friend and she has never spoken to this girl in her life. I told Shelley she should sue that bitch Tyra......
Posted by: Keshia | March 12, 2006 at 06:23 PM
In this situation, the runner posts(shows) an impertinent physical condition, while the others sink into the effort. At the conclusion of the journey(running) this runner shows an exceptional state of coolness, as if he had crossed(gone through) only some kilometres.
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