fourfour: Let the (menstrual) cycle begin

What's up, sluts?

C6hoes

ANTM's return is looming like Mr. Jay's orange glow. Last week the new crop of young women who foolishly think they're signing up for a modeling competition was announced, thus once again making that March 8 premiere/semi-finals episode irrelevant (Will Joanie make it to the Top 13? Um, yes. Does this competition really have a place for someone who goes by the name of Mollie Sue? Absolutely. Will there be any Asians this time around? Why, certainly!).

I kind of love that the show announces the Top 13 weeks in advance, only to devote the first hour of the "cycle" to the process of weeding down the applicants to that very group. It's as though Tyra Banks and Ken Mok are saying, "You are ours. You will watch this regardless of our suspense demolition in the name of pre-season promotion. You are ours." And we are. Or at least, I am. Really: they could announce the winner tomorrow and I'd still ride this shit out to the end and love it.

So, I guess, as a sign of my devotion to ANTM (because I'm sure many doubt my commitment), I'm seeing the inherent shallowness of this pretty parade and raising it by judging these girls before I've really seen them in action. That's right, we're talking exponential superficiality.

We'll start with the girl whose stay I predict will be the shortest.

Kathy

Her blandness is so extreme it should be riveting. Except, y'know, it's bland. She looks like Sarah Cracknell of Saint Etienne, but I doubt she has that sort of quaint charm. The girl's a house painter, for Chrissake! Also, she describes herself in her pre-show interview as a "tough cookie." Hmmmm. I don't even think the possibility of her being a vagina connoisseur is enough to save her or her odd eye.

Joanie

I couldn't get Joanie's pre-show interview to load, but I'm feeling a similar blandness from her. Maybe it's the Celine Dion vibe I'm getting from these pictures, followed by notes of bottlenosed dolphin and Mac Tonight.

Brooke

Brooke comes off much cuter when she talks than in pictures, which obviously is going to be a problem. Especially because the whole bee-stung thing she's rocking isn't really bee-stung at all. It's more jellyfish ravaged. Also? She looks like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, which is cool since Sara looks like Scarlett Johansson:

Sara

I really hope that Brooke and Sara have hot sex in some field during a rainstorm, only to begin a torrid affair that will result in Sara's pregnancy and eventual murder at Brooke's hand. Or something.

One more blandy:

Danielle

I believe that Danielle is the one I chose as my favorite in the original group shot. Oops. Can she only serve when she has wings attached to her back? Also, her pre-show interview reveals a willful naivete: "Basically, almost all the girls who have ever been on Top Model are, like working." The operative word in that sentence is "like."

Wendy

Tranny-voiced Wendy is busted ~~to the point where I feel the need to issue Mya a public apology for ever~~ ~~comparing~~ ~~Wendy to her. Sorry MyMy!~~ (Shut up, Rich. You are stupid and have no idea what you're talking about.) Wendy, though, may stick around for a while as she's from New Orleans and the show will need to develop at least a minor Katrina-related subplot for Wendy to really serve her purpose (any coincidence that the girl auditioned twice before this cycle and just show got the green light?).

Jade

I like this one a lot. Her nose and mouth remind me of my mom's. I like that she might have a twist of something else within the happy-to-be-nappy look. Really cute. The problem? She's 1,000 years old. And by that, I mean 26. Her skinny ass would have more luck working the "Plus size and loving it" angle. I just look forward to see how the judges will eventually use Jade's age against her if she's good. ("You're losing your youth. As each day goes by your age increases, Jade. Yesterday, you were so much younger.")

Gina

Speaking of something else, here's Gina. I'm sure a lot of people think that she can ride the token-Asian wave to stick around for at least half the season, but that's not the case with this show: the ravishing Julie, the show's sole Indian ambassador, was the third finalist to be kicked off during the third season. ANTM does not care about holding onto types. This Gina chick is not cute -- she has the face to match Wendy's tranny voice. Also, she is baring her teeth with the ferocity of a woodland creature. But, Gina is otherwise kind of awesome, as she reveals herself to be a kind of poor, deaf, blind and retarded man's Margaret Cho. Here, have a listen. I'm in love.

Kari

Kari says she doesn't like drama, so I'm hoping that she'll be boring enough to kick out within the first few episodes. I don't know how long I can stomach watching this Britney Spears-cocker spaniel crossbreed.

With those out of the way, here are my picks for the Top 4 (in no real order):

Nnenna

Her name smacks of foreign sophistication and playground teasing, and so it follows that Nnenna is both capable of serious, intimidating gorgeousness and this endearing cuteness. Seriously. In these two pictures, I already see a wide range. Unless she's totally incompetent, expect the judges to lavish her with praise (I figure we'll hear about how gorgeous her skin is at least once an episode). I get the feeling that this girl doesn't even need this competition.

Molliesue

Mollie Sue

At first, when I saw her, I sort of dismissed M.S. as being nothing but an Amanda knock-off (which is kind of as sad as being a Metro 7 knock-off). But then, I saw a little bit of Famke Janssen staring my way, and I was hooked. I do worry about M.S.'s capacity for good TV, though. "I'll be the class clown of the group," she deadpans in her pre-show interview. She sounds a wink away from catatonia.

Leslie

Leslie is stunning, with the kind of racial ambiguity that this show loves. She's 18, which is great, though I do think that she has a mature (not aged, but mature) look, which might actually hurt her. We'll see what happens, but as of now, I think Leslie could take the whole thing. The only problem? She watches the show ironically. I know, what she means to say is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, ironically" (the comma makes the difference) and what she means to mean is, "I was watching America's Next Top Model, coincidentally," but still. She needs to get with the program, literally.

And finally, my new potential pride and joy, my new love child with Fresh and the new female who's going to test the limits of my Kinsey number . . .

Furonda

Why do I love her so? Let's examine the evidence.

She is T-Bozian.
Her favorite food is corn. Not a corn dish. Not a corn on the cob. Not Jimmy Crack Corn. Just corn.
Her favorite shows are Being Bobby Brown and ANTM (OMG, me too!!!).
Her name is Furonda.

She is perfect. And even beyond perfect, previously troubled. A wonderful person named Teddy B. send in this story from the April 2, 2000 issue of The Morning News of Northwest Arkansas:

Furondafraud

(Here is a pdf of the entire page from which I clipped the item.)

The age is right, the location is right (you'll see in her profile that Furonda hails from Arkansas). But most importantly the name is right. I mean, come on, how many Furondas are there? A quick look at a "Furonda" search on Google reveals relics of one woman's past.

Anyway, even though it was just counterfeit money, a criminal history is a criminal history (say what you will about Rocco, but he totally called the gangsta-ho thing last week -- motherfucker is prescient). Anyway, I full expect this bit of Furonda's past to be divulged and explored by the show and then used to hit us on the head over and over and over ("Tha's the old Furonda!").

"I'm guessing this is part of Tyra's whole transformation theme this season," wrote Teddy B., in his email. Good call! I was hoping for lopped off penises, but I'll take this, too. Obviously.

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