Ain't-NTM

What shit!

Here, let me revise the title card so that it accurately reflects last night's charade of a catching-up-with-the-past contestants show:

There, that's better.

Of course, the answer to that is: anywhere. The girls aren't anywhere.

Not that I expected to be wowed by the special, which really was just a reminder of next week's Cycle 6 premiere. Before the show aired, Fresh and I were talking about the imminent bullshit hour. But really, I didn't expect such vagueness as the girls ticked off their "accomplishments" (and really, if they were so accomplished, would they have to tell us? Wouldn't we already know?). I seriously expected someone to be like, "And I've been on The Tyra Banks Show. And I did this where-are-they-now special that I'm on right now." Really -- a bit part on a sitcom on the UPN after you've been on a reality show on the UPN is no accomplishment. That would be like me bragging, "Oh, yeah -- I have a blog on Typepad." Impressed?

Anyway, here's a rundown of what the girls are doing. "Doing."

"Doing."

In addition to filming some undoubtedly direct-to-DVD flick, and meeting with her male doppleganger...

...Eva is doing...uh...well she's not doing her hair.

Aw hell naw.

And, by now, if you know anything about me, I'm sure you can see where this is going.

It's like The Fly or something. Pigfordbird.

Shannon, one of my all-time favs, if only for her gifted storytelling and tendency to interrupt, is still a "virgin" (i.e. butt pirate) and still getting all wet over extremely conventionally beautiful guys.

That's her bf, some Abercrombie model. Big whoop. In other news, she's writing her own memoir, she says. "It's an autobiography about my life and how I always wanted to model." Wow. Sounds fascinating. Also, sounds unlikely: an autobiography about her life?!? She should write an "autobiography" on the life her vibrator's batteries. I bet it would be short.

Very Lisa-esque there, isn't she? And speaking of Lisa, she's looking great...

...she was on some swing at some show or something recently. No word on whether she's having separation anxiety from Cousin It.

Mercedes is going to be in a movie!

It's called Unemployed. I'm not kidding!

Also, she alerted us (or at least, those of us who aren't affected by Lupus, which from what I gather is as vague a condition as being a past ANTM contestant)...

I so want a subscription. Easter is coming soon. Won't someone make my basket happy?

Brittany is so hot.

Love that girl. Her boyfriend, past Survivor contestant Burton is hot, too.

She also recently walked in a Frederick's of Hollywood show:

So much for resisting the porny thing.

Nicole did a Cover Girl shoot for eyewear. I don't get it.

She looks smarter. It's amazing what Bugs Bunny teeth can do for you.

Also, she's looking a little Lohannish.

As is, come to think of it, Yoanna...

...and Eva...

...repeatedly...

And you know what's the weirdest thing? Eva appeared in this issue of Elle:

And Nicole appeared in this issue of Us:

Freaky! Is Lindsay the standard of beauty now?

Yoanna, however, did not appear in any magazines. Ever.

But she and her outdated bangs and weird face are corresponding for Style and hosting The Look for Less (aka The Boring for Boring).

Kim might make an appearance on The L Word, "which would be really funny," according to her. OMG! A lesbian on a show about lesbians? That's hilarious.

Who says dykes have no sense of humor?

Yaya believes that she has found her calling as an actress.

She has a seemingly large role in Take the Lead, in which Antonio Banderas teaches a pack of detention-banished riff-raff the joys of ballroom dancing.

Looks to me like Sister Act 3: None of Them Nuns. If that's the case I'm so there. Joyful, joyful!

Anne is seriously the hottest.

I love her so much. I love her so much that when I saw her on the L train two weeks ago, I talked to her the whole way home. I totally wanted to lick her face or sit in her lap the whole time. Anyway, I'm not trying to talk and tell, but let's just say that the post-show picture that she painted for me wasn't nearly as glamorous as the one she said she's experiencing on the show.

She even cried about how blessed she is. I think she needs to talk to Yaya about the whole acting-as your-calling thing (if necessary, I will mediate the discussion -- beep me 911, Ann!).

Camille is looking good.

God. I forgot how much this show makes me wanna do girls. It's all Tyra's mind-controlling tactics. Anyway, Camille went to Jamaica for something or other.

When I saw this, I thought, "You know she wants to take that sail and wrap it around her so she can explain to everyone what each color on her new dress stands for." And then, she unveiled her line of "linge-wear," lingerie to be worn as outerwear. While talking about it, she totally fulfilled my prophecy:

"The colors are really significant. Y'know yellow is for the sunshine...

...green is for the land." She learned nothing. I'm sure she's still calling that pigeon strut her signature walk, too.

Oh, that's Naima and her twin in the picture above, btw. Naima's segment lasted less than a minute.

Put a fork in her. Or at least, run it through that hair.

Tocarra's tig old bitties are serving her well.

She's landed on the covers of many super-hip magazines. Super-hip magazines like Braids.

One of these things is not like the other. Can you spot it?

Tocarra wasn't on that shit! That's Kimora Lee!

Haha! Tyra called Kimora fat!

And what look back on ANTM's past would be complete without the presence of Bre. I don't know if you know this, by the way, but now Bre is a commodity! She's so great. I love that she thought it was inappropriate to bring her dog to that little pow wow she and a few other Cycle 5 girls had at Duvet:

She also thought she should bring him to some Hot97 fashion show she walked in.

She really thinks she's hot shit, with her animal accessory. Well, I say let her. And actually, if she needs an entourage member to remind her that she's hot shit, I'll totally do it. For free! As long as I get college credit.

And finally. Yay. Tyra's back on fourfour at least once a week until the end of May. Yay!

That outfit makes her look pretty Amazonian, doesn't it? Well, I say, why stop there?

Y'know, I think every time I've posted about her since Cycle 5 ended, I've mentioned how I miss her. I think at this point, it's safe to say that she completes me. Welcome home, warrior princess.

Comments

[manhattan offender]

But what happened to Andrae?
(this transition is rough)
Um, Adrianne.
Adrianne has been on television and was recently on a cover too!
http://www.blognyc.net/news/2006/01/adrianne_curry_.html
She's still one of my faves, ever!

[girlhattan]

did you watch season 1? elyse from that cycle is a model in hong kong now and she has a blog.

[peep]

It's also weird that they didn't feature Elyse Sewell, who is actually doing real modelling.

[jeremy]

I heard that Brett (gag me) Ratner *had* to have Mercedes for X-3 as M. You'd think they would have mentioned that. Probably just an internet rumor since IMDB doesn't list her. Ah well, I guess there's always Lupus related film work--like Night of the Lupus . . .er, I mean Lepus.

[Gayest Neil]

OH PUHLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ PEEPLES! Elyse is way to cool for skewl and totally would never ever agree to sit on a sofa with a bunch of model wannabeez! She has a book (also) based on her blog with her photos and I so want a copy but keep getting out bidded on Ebay!

[Cote]

Am I the only one that thinks that Tyra's shirt looks like a penis? WTF is going on with that?!

I missed the show =(

[burntsugrr]

Tyra mail! Most.annoying.thing.ever.
Also, am I remembering wrong or did Eva have a little doggie sidekick when the visited her on some made up set so she could tell them how to be fab just like her.

Guess Bre took notes.

[sal]

rich, you know i love you and your bitchy recaps, but if you mention your kinsey number or how ANTM makes you wanna "do girls" one more time, i'm seriously going to vomit and mail it to the imaginery hetero version of you that doesn't exist.

[Rich]

Nothing I say isn't true.

[Jacquie]

I love Ann - it looked from the clips that she is one of the more successful girls from the show- runway at least. She was my favorite. That's cool you met her. I think she's lovely. GO ANN!

It's obvious that they have signed some american idolish - servant for life contract to tie them to the show, making recurring characters of these girls, and I wouldn't miss a second. Yohanna, though certainly successful if your goal was to be a host of a show like that, doesn't seem to be a model, at all.

The Gilles Bensimon shoot with Linky brainwashed me to think she is a real model. Til she smiles that is.

See how great bre is, we could all do with keeping bre around, maybe as a life coach to the girls!

Great post, knew we could count on Rich to break it down..one more week til the fairies!

[Elissa (Nigel's mom)]

Rich
I love when you mention your Kinsey number. It gives me hope ;) I'm at least as hot as Anne. What is Winston's #?

[duane]

I missed this show, and I knew that I would be able to live it better by coming here; thanks again Rich, for your awesomey awesomeness.

[burntsugrr]

Hey Rich-No chance you could cap Mr. Jay from the ad for next week is there? I know how you feel about him, but this isn't about you. It's about me, and my illness.

[Arthur James]

i cant even be witty about it - i dont know what makes me giggle more like a slutty schoolgurl - the highly anticipated new season of antm or your highly anticipated recaps of the new season of antm. yep, both sorta complete me.

& i must be a pedigree'd 'mo cause not once have i EVER thought about "doing" a girl by watching the show. perhaps "be" a girl - you know, pony walk or dress as a fashion alien invader but "do"......nope, never. but all power to you bro.

just, please don't let tyra know cause she'll turn that into a special episode of her talk show. bless her heart.

[Fudgey]

I like how they skipped over Kalan with just one second of air time. I think it's because she's not a UPN-sitcom-guest-appearance-regional-television-lingerie-on-the-outside-hot-97 model -- but an actual model working for real big-time designers now. Maybe they thought it would make "My Life as a Fish-Faced Cover Girl" Naima look like a failure? Poor Naima!

[chan]

Fudgey, are you talking about Kahlen from season 4? What designers has she worked for? I've only seen her VICE shoot.

[Paige]

loved the recap, particularly because it was about 1 kajillion times more fascinating than the ridiculous recap show. They didn't even feature the model who was in not one, but TWO reality shows on VH1 (I cannot remember her name. But I loved her.)
I fell asleep, so thanks for filling me in. :)

can't WAIT til next week!!!

[Joshua]

Don't you dare rag on Lupus! This one girl I knew had it and she was able to let us get cuts in ALL of the Disney rides when I was 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANKS TO LUPUS I WAS ABLE TO ENJOY DISNEYLAND MORE FULLY!

[Gayest Neil]

Too bad she lost all her hair on the teacup ride...

[Y]

OMG. Joshua's comment. HAHA.

[golgii]

I can't believe you didn't say anything about the "Thinning Cam" Tyra seemed to be in front of. Looking all stretched out and droopy like the fat sister from Heart.

[leisa]

WAY more entertaining than last nights show! great work as always.

[Bon]

Brilliant and wonderful, as always. Way more entertaining than the show. True. As expected.

Knew they wouldn't roll out Adrienne (I mean, hell, she's not even in the opening credits where they show all past cycle winners--and she didn't get her winner's contract fulfilled, so she and Tyra do not feel the love for each other) but I was very surprised that they glossed over the few gals who are having better-seeming careers than those they gave SO much airtime to.

Did anyone else notice the Bre giving a smackdown to Cassandra on the big bed? She said something like, "We all succeeded just by making it onto the show and then sticking it out." SNAP! That was aimed at YOU, Ms. Walk-off-the-show Cassandra!

Eagerly awaiting another great season of cry-counting with you, Rich! Woo!

[Quel]

I was glad to see Camille again. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for Lisa's star to rise. Eva could do anything to her hair and she'd still be drop dead gorgeous.

Yaya's gonna be a huge star.

I'm predicting I'll be distracted ALL day at work Wednesday looking forward to the premier of Cycle 6 and all day Thursday until you post your recap.

[kara]

Being a model in NYC I see the chicks all the time. Naima and her crusty hair is all over SoHo. I saw Nik at a casting the other day, sporting dark black hair, signed to the Fusion agency. And then I saw the Asian chick with the mole at another casting. And I think my friend told me that she saw Camille acting like her Sh*t don't stink. Of them all, Nik seemed like she wanted to hide in the walls for being noticed than any of the others. Though the asian girl was super chatty cuz she knew someone at the casting.