Oh, ANTM. Besides The Real World (and, by extension, Road Rules), has any reality show spawned more participators who simply will not go away? Seriously, those girls will spill their guts for some Wetslicks and a cupcake. Not that I'm complaining. In fact: Sleepover at my house tonight! I have the oven preheated.
The America's Next Top Model True Hollywood Story was most notable for providing the opportunity for a whopping seven-letter, no-acronym-possible abbreviation: ANTM THS. SEVEN. LETTERS. Whoa. I didn't even know abbreviations could be that long. Before, I said that ANTM makes you stupid. I was so wrong.
Anyway, it was a 90-minute recap episode that spanned the first five cycles and highlighted the girls that provided interviews to the show, many of whom were eerily cheerful about their time on the show (even Toccara talked about the unfairness of her elimination with a Stepford smile on her face). Whatever. Boring.
I am thankful, however, that I've gotten the chance to capture this moment:
Naima's victorious birdcall (or was that a failed Siren song to potential clients?) is the No. 1 reason I wish I had recapped the 4th Cycle (Keenyah's superhero jaw [Fresh™] is No. 2).
Whatever, at least Kim didn't disappoint. This was my favorite moment of the entire show:
"I guess she's, like, pretty." Wow. That is cold. Looks like someone's out to cut her chances of appearing on another episode of The Tyra Banks Show. Turn back, Kim! Turn back!
And despite her too-patchy-even-for-Jersey fake bake, Brittany was kind of great, too:
So I guess the moral is: making fun of Tyra is the only way to go when talking about ANTM past. But maybe I'm just biased.
But, God, did you see the hair on some of these girls?
OK, Mary, circa 2001.
Not that I expected much from someone with a degenerative eye disease...
So frizz is the thing in Hong Kong?
These girls learned nothing! Not that you could blame them, considering their teacher:
(I'd also like to note that Ann continues to take my breath away):
Oh and Janice revealed that ANTM got her laid.
Something tells me that it would have happened anyway.
Finally, I don't know what broke my heart more: Bre's pleas for an agent, a publicist, anything...
...or that eye makeup and hair combo. Lighten up, Wednesday! Drink a Red Bull or some other canned soda.
Really, I don't know what she's worried about, anyway. As long as she's willing to talk, there will always be work for her. Clearly.
Okay, nothing about Keenyah's Guy Smiley eyebrows?
Posted by: Carly | March 27, 2006 at 04:41 PM
first! Rich you rock my world! I am so excited for this freebie ANTM recap. glad you're feeling better
Posted by: me | March 27, 2006 at 04:41 PM
I especially loved how Adrianne Curry tried to backpedal about her e-mail of hate to Tyra...saying she really regretted sending it now. Of course! Now her only hope for future fame is to have a a Very Brady tv wedding.
Thanks, Rich for a bonus recap! You make me smile!
Posted by: Amber | March 27, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Did you see that anytime someone African American said they were on the cover of a magazine, they always showed them on "King"? I love that trashy magazine! It's like "Black Maxim".
Posted by: Joe | March 27, 2006 at 05:11 PM
Keenyah was scary as hell, I'm glad someone else noticed that! I loved her, and now she's spray painting on the brows. Makes me almost as sad as seeing Mercedes's haircut and Brittany's fake-bake. Good call as usual :D
Posted by: Lindsay | March 27, 2006 at 06:44 PM
That threw me when Our Bre was bluntly soliciting any type of representation during her interview on this silly show. I hope whomever comes in second or third this time around was watching.
Posted by: M to the G | March 27, 2006 at 07:12 PM
oh! be nice to Amanda! and Elyse is the only true winner of that show. But other than that I agree.
Posted by: Mr. Prince | March 27, 2006 at 07:15 PM
Thanks for reviewing this Rich, I didn't want to have to watch this train wreck of a show...so Eva P. is basically the only ANTM person doing anything (she's smoking hot in the new Jamie Foxx video)
Posted by: Honey | March 27, 2006 at 07:46 PM
elyse is amazing.
Posted by: jenna jerkwagon | March 27, 2006 at 07:52 PM
Oh man. It must have been so painful for you to watch your girl Bre plead like that.
Posted by: JenKatz | March 27, 2006 at 08:36 PM
I've never posted before but have totally come to love your updates! Anyway, I can't believe you didn't mention darling Lisa! She called the show bullshit saying that she "naively thought she was entering a modeling contest" and that she cleaned their effin kitchen every morning. I love that chick, fave ANTM castmate ever.
Posted by: MexiNugget | March 27, 2006 at 10:55 PM
I love Elyse. I wonder why she chose to speak to E! and not the Tyra Banks show? Tyra must be mad the most successful model on the show was not the chosen Top Model. I think Mercedes hair is more Lisa Simpson-esque than Jade's hair. Brittany is still hot despite a case of Oompa Loompas.
Posted by: mer | March 27, 2006 at 11:40 PM
yay, surprise recap :) did anyone else notice how bre dropped her last name? like beyonce or some shit?
only saw the last 1/2 hr; but elyse is still a bitch, keenyah looks better with "super eyebrows" to match her "superjaw" (lol), and tiffany finally gave tyra a piece of her mind...sorta. i think the lupes took its toll on mercedes, and amanda's son has the same eerie blue eyes...
Posted by: Mara | March 28, 2006 at 01:10 AM
Mercedes hair is weird...
Posted by: david | March 28, 2006 at 01:35 AM
yay for a recap of a history of recaps! i think mercedes was ill in her interview... she doesn't look healthy :( I'm guessing her short hair is due to her substantial hairloss... poor girl...
I thought Ann was awful on the show... i couldn't see what the judges saw in her... HOWEVER... i totally changed my mind post-show... she looks FUH-MAZING in all her shoots... wow!
And I <3 elyse, I think she's been one (if not the most) successful contestant... i wouldn't be suprised if she lands a cover of a major high fashion mag soon...
and someone sign Bre ASAP!! If Keenyah and her Jabberjaw can get signed to an agency then I don't see what the hold up is with Bre! Oh and Toccara looked fantastic as usual.
:)leah
Posted by: Leah | March 28, 2006 at 02:07 AM
I missed it- what was Bre saying exactly? How sad and pathetic.
Posted by: orchide | March 28, 2006 at 06:58 AM
Yessss! I loved this special. Did you notice that they kept replaying the Kim and Sarah kiss over and over? Though everyone in the limo claimed they were all kissing, they only showed footage of Kim and Sarah.
Posted by: Wendy | March 28, 2006 at 08:06 AM
Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Thank you sweetie! Now I can start working...
Posted by: HeyTrayz | March 28, 2006 at 08:51 AM
Even better: E!THS:ANTM.
Anyways, Elyse discusses being approached by the Tyra show on her blog (elysesewell.livejournal.com). She hasn't responded to the E!THS:ANTM yet.
And yeah, she came off looking and sounding much better.
OH POOR Janice D. She's a mess now. I love her to my dying day, but c'mon gal. STOP STOP LISTING THE MAGAZINES YOU'VE BEEN ON. Oh lord.
Naima is a freak. EvaDaDiva is so annoying when she does that loud-laughing-while-interviewing thing.
Poor Adrienne, too. She's doing pin up calendars.
Well - I'm proudest of Elyse. She's always been my pick as the one and only ANTM. Her photo books rocks too.
Posted by: Gayest Neil | March 28, 2006 at 09:01 AM
I kept my fingers crossed while watching ANTM THS... and the Gay Blog Gods delivered!
Tyra's such a hag! You're hair-do disaster stills only confirm it.
Posted by: BrnEyedGirl676 | March 28, 2006 at 09:02 AM
Elyse<3
The second season winner, Yoanna reminds me of a robot. Programmed to rave enthusiastically on the spot!
Seriously the ANTM+THS could go on for hours, the network could cancel their endless 101 toplists and Simple Life marathons. Oh the possibilities.
Posted by: Michelle | March 28, 2006 at 11:23 AM
You know, I was all for Elyse (is that it? I dunno) in Cycle 1, but then she got all shit-talky about how much smarter she was than everyone else and how dumb the whole thing was and started to hate her.
Then I read something about how she wants to move on and be a doctor. Um, yeah, she sure has been suckin' off Tyra's milkless tit; trying to claw her way into the very business we call show.
Posted by: elb | March 28, 2006 at 11:24 AM
Elyse stated during her season (1) that if modeling did not work out she would enter medical school. . I believe? She obviously is intelligent and her tirade made for excellent show. . it was basically true as well, She never took the competition too seriously and seemed to find it humerous at times for what it was.
Hong Kong seems to agree with her.
Posted by: girl | March 28, 2006 at 11:39 AM
I have to agree with you about Ann. The girl is beautiful. I really like Toccara's comments. She knew they were giving excuses about why she got kicked off. And Kenya's jawline is ridiculous.
Posted by: Saun | March 28, 2006 at 12:35 PM
am i the only one who was hoping for an update on mister bojangles?
rich, so glad you posted the unholy red carpet pictures of the Tyrasaurus. what in god's name?!
Posted by: buzz | March 28, 2006 at 02:34 PM