Hit it, bitches

Ah. ANTM is back. Haaaay.

Jesus Christ, did I miss it. As though terrified to mess with a good formula, the sixth cycle of the show is more like a refreshed weave than a drastically different hairstyle (I'm not calling, "Scripted!" but by now we've come to expect mass hysteria when Tyra first reveals herself to the semi-finalists...and for the next 10 times thereafter, right?).

ANTM's refusal to be anything but itself made it really easy to predict the first girl to go:

Kathy was dropped like she was hot. Except for the fact that she wasn't. Fun girl, though. I'm almost sad to see her go. More on that in a second. First, we've got some crying girls to account for.

No changes have been made to the rules of the crying count this time around. If ANTM isn't fucking with its formula, why should I? If you need a refresher on the terms of the counting check here. But really it's simple: bitches cry, I count them (and laugh and laugh!).

Breaking the seal is the very unsurprising...

1. Wendy

I don't doubt her story (Hurricane Katrina forced her to evacuate her New Orleans home, splitting up her family), just like I wouldn't doubt ANTM's impulse to jump all over a hot-button issue and exploit it. Ah. It feels good to be home (or, uh, in this case, displaced).

2. Andrea

This girl had major separation issues regarding her parents (and maybe her blanky), which caused her to be in a constant highly emotional state. Get ready to get sick of seeing her scrunched up face . . .

3. Andrea

Over . . .

4. Andrea

. . . and over. I wonder if her pain stems (heh) from the ravaging this grape-stomper has taken on her feet and leg areas?

Hot, right? Can you believe she didn't make it through to the final 13?

5. Danielle

Danielle recounts her mom's struggle with rheumatoid arthritis. I have no smart-ass remarks for that, due at least in part to the fact that I'm afraid that Danielle will kick my ass first and not even bother to ask questions later.

6. Danielle

Seriously, this girl's awesome for being such a tough shit-talker and then breaking down so easily (here, she's tearfully rejoicing over making it to the Top 20). She really just allows her emotions to flow. I respect that from the corner I'm cowering in.

7. Loser No. 1

I think this was this girl's first and last solo camera frame. She had to go, though -- her hair was way too complicated. Two ponytails?!? What are ya, a circus freak? Take it to Discovery Health and stop confusing us, please.

8. Andrea

Here's Andrea crying over being chosen for the Top 20. In a happy way. I think.

9. Loser No. 2

Gee, I can't imagine why this one was given the boot, what with her creative prediction of her eventual crow's feet. Watch out, Mr. Jay -- this one has an eye pencil and she isn't afraid to use it.

10. Andrea

I'm not kidding.

11. Andrea

Swear.

12. Wendy

Wendy started to get nervous as the girls' names were called for the final 13 (hers was to be called last). Wendy, never doubt yourself. Or your ability to be a subplot.

13. Loser No. 3

This one suggested that she had "good hair" earlier in the episode. Perhaps. But her eyesight is atrocious.

14. Rebecca

Isn't she on My Name Is Earl?

15. Gina

An "identity crisis" leaves Gina in tears. She's confused over being Korean. I'm not even kidding. This is but one of several reasons that make Gina a wonderful human being.

16. Kathy

It's sort of a shame, because even though Kathy sucked as a model, she was a fun girl. I mean, she got butt-ass naked not 10 minutes into the episode. Outside. In front of everyone.

Seriously, they had to pixelate her vagina. She was in it to win it.

17. Gina

Gina just couldn't take seeing Kathy drop it like it was hot one last time. It's hard out there for a dolt.

Interesting that crying has dropped about 20 percent from last year's cycle premiere. I know that ANTM is no place for statistical geekery, but I can't help comparing data and wondering if we're looking at some hardened hoes.

Speaking of, let's take a look at the Tyraism of the week. Since this was a two-part episode (really, two episodes back-to-back), we're getting two Tyraisms this week.

Tyraism No. 1: "America's Next Top Model is not just about beauty. It's a journey of transformation and our winners have transformed into working models that are working." First of all: it's not just about beauty? Say it ain't so! Second of all, wait -- are the models working or not? Be more clear about that, please. I need to be reminded often. I keep forgetting.

Tyraism No. 2: (On how to be yourself during a press conference) "Just pretend like they're people that you know. Like, ask me any question and I'll pretend like I'm having an interview. I'll answer it the wrong way and the good way. (Mollie Sue tells Tyra to "Show us your goofy look.") OK, this is a bad example. Be goofy, ummm...ok...

...Is that goofy? That's bad! Do it again! (Mollie once again requests that Tyra be goofy.) You want me to be goofy? OK! Haaaay...

...haaay...

...Know what I'm saying? Just go for it and just do it."

Yes, Tyra, we know exactly what you're saying. You can't be a true asshole unless you put your butt and a few "haaay"s in it. Remember this, kids, when you're at a club or in front of a camera. Goofy sells.

And, since I'm totally at terms with Twiggy being on the panel (which is to be at terms with boring, but whatever), there's no need to resurrect last cycle's Bug-O-Meter. Instead, the final weekly up-front feature will be J Watch, in which we explore the piping hot mess that is "Miss" (or is that "Mrs.?" -- did he get gaymarried?) J Alexander. This one had a whole lotta J, starting with this:

What is he going for with this? That Tim Burton '92 in-over-my-head-with-this-Batman-shit look? By extension, J resembles Edward Scissorhands, and I can't hate him for that.

I also can't hate him for getting all literal in proving that Danielle needs to shave her 'stache, either.

And finally, it seems that he's ditched that stupid corsage countdown thing that everyone hated for an even more obvious way of counting down the girls (speaking of literal):

I get the feeling that the shirt he wears to panel each week will have number on it that stands for the remaining amount of girls. For those of you who can't count, a very wise man has you covered.

And speaking of not being able to count (probably, at least):

1. Oh my...Gina.

Wow. This girl is absolutely amazing. Watching her is like watching a child feel their way around the world. Every act is one of discovery. Except Gina doesn't seem to have a toddler's capacity for absorbing knowledge.

That's her discovering that she was in the Top 20 (the contestants had to find their picture in makeup boxes to know that they were going through). Gina used a helpful trick to know for sure that it was her in the picture: "I was like, there's no other Asian girl. It's me, it's me!" she said. Good one! Glad she identified herself via her ethnicity instead of, y'know, knowing what she actually looks like. If she had to pick herself out of a lineup of other Asian women, she'd probably be like, "I'm not sure. They all look the same!"

Here's Gina learning that she made it to the Top 13. Here is her verbal response, a reference to her previously professed distaste for typically short Asian men, which Tyra and Mr. Jay inexplicably took issue with. Of course, the chance to further humiliate herself on television was enough to turn her philosophy around. She's a character, just not a S-T-A-U-N-C-H one.

Oh, and that Asian thing kept cropping up. She had a minor meltdown during the episode's "press conference" when asked about what she could bring to the table as an Asian model. It was a tic-filled disaster.

There's something beautiful about being so free with your emotions. Gina could teach us all what it means to live and love.

Also? Sometimes her voice sounds like she might be deaf. What's up with that? I bet she is deaf and just doesn't realize it.

Y'know, whenever I take a liking to a Gina, I want to call her Va-Gina (obviously, as in "vagina," but pronounced, "va-geena"). Just as a term of endearment. Except this Gina is so...exceptional, that I want to give her an even more special name: Duh-Gina. And so it will be.

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody.

And, now that I've seen them in action, here are some revised opinions about the girls:

2. I was so wrong about Joanie!

She's fucking beautiful.

Love her a lot. I don't know why her head looks so oddly shaped in her preliminary pictures on UPN's site. Yeah, she has a weird teeth thing going on...

...but in the words of Tyra, "Teeth can be fixed."

Plus, she can totally throw down a Nomi move.

I'm in love with a stripper.

3. Danielle also kicks ass. I thought her early shots were boring, but I was so wrong. She isn't boring at all. She's like a bite-size Toccara...

...right down to her heaving poccaras...

Also? She's real. She's real enough to rock that moustache...

...to admit that she doesn't know what "regal" means and that she has dents in her head.

Also also? This might be my favorite question anyone has ever asked, ever:

What "type" of racism? Kentucky fried, probably.

(Oh, and check out Duh-Gina in the bottom picture. She is truly God's gift to the world.)

4. Jade is really fucking annoying.

Potes at Television Without Pity (whose insight I'm so happy to have back in my life, btw, now that ANTM has started up again) compares her to Yaya, which is spot-on. But, remember that Yaya's bitchiness didn't emerge till the middle of Cycle 3. That Jade's is being established now means that the probability of a character arc involving a breakdown in which she admits that really, deep down, she's insecure, is high. I'm not going to start hating just yet, because it's only going to end up making me feel guilty.

5. I am kind of sorry to see Kathy go. I mean, with a bald head, she looked straight out of The Witches...

...but she described this look as a "penis with ears." What's not to love?

6. Um, hi America's Next Top Model:

Nnenna is so clearly the winner at such an early point that she can't possibly win this thing, right?

7. Meanwhile, I think I might have also been wrong about my early favorite Furonda.

She's funny and all, but God, girl, you're on TV. Learn what a mirror is. I'm sure Duh-Gina can teach you all about mirrors' magical, mystical properties. I'm hoping Furonda can pull it together with next week's makeover, but till then:

8. And speaking of side-to-side comparisons, how lame was it that every time Mr. Jay or Tyra would make some obvious comparison, the editors would give us a side-to-side illustration? Did this serve to do anything but prove how inaccurate their analogies were?

Uh, ok.

Stupid! This way is much more fun:

Meanwhile, this one was so reductive:

I think the equation is more like:

(And, yeah, I compared Winston to Kim from last cycle, too. What can I say? He's hot.)

Oh, and I can't believe that they missed this one:

Cram that one in your sweaty pit, Mr. Jay.

9. God, I love how Janice just can't stay away.

I bet she comes back full-time next season. The show will make a huge deal about it, everyone will be happy and the universe will realign.

10. Oh Jesus.

11. Finally, what's with all the ANTM cliches coming out during this first episode? We already have a girl who's "not here to make friends"...

...we already have heard Tyra's "So who goes home? The girl who X or the girl who X?" speech...

...and, as we learned in the preview for next week's episode, we're already going to be hit with "This isn't America's Next Top X," via Jade next week (in this case the "X" is "best friend," which Sarah of Cycle 4 also noted)...

How long you think before the girl with "all the potential in the world" gets the boot?

Comments

[Fresh]

I've been waiting on this and it was worth it. LOL, you are too much ;)

[mr hey]

good wrap up........

your posts are always very entertaining, thanks.

note: look at Furonda's arm pits during the bald head shoot~~~~did I see patch of hair?...lol

If you can, can u make a screen shot of those hairy pits.....lol

[romcraw]

my lord. furonda = gremlin? that shit is priceless.

[Molly]

Oh yes yes yes. Oh yes. Oh Yesssss!! OH GOD! YES YES YES! OH OH OH, YES! OH GOD YES! YES YES!!!!

I love you, and now I must change my drawers.

[brandy]

You are an artist.
That is all I can say.
The one that Winston looks like also looks a bit like a poor mans Candice Cameron before she found the lord.

[A]

haha i love your recap. But you didn't mention my girl leslie once!

[Sheila]

I liked Kathy, too. "I've never seen someone so drunk before. It was skeery." I was sad to see her go, but saw it coming a mile away.

Oh, Jade. The Yaya comparison is fairly accurate, but my first impression was more "Lisa minus the craziness and ability to take good photos". Who was the insightful panelist who commented that perhaps there was a reason her impressive talents had not yet been discovered? I don't think I've ever seen Nigel so disgusted with someone.

[duane]

The part about Gina had me laughing so hard I couldn't even drink my water. You have a gift; and I thank you for sharing it with us. Gina is awesome. I want her to have her own spin off show... her reaction during the press conference was fucking amazing. The only thing that would have made that scene better, would have been drunk Guadalupe from PR there to help her with her answer.

[Marie]

Yeah, it may not be scripted but I think there is a fair amount of coaching going on. The way the girls reacted to being called into the 13 contestants looked really fake, especially Nnenna (her natural reaction is a lot more stoic than that) and Gina (she must have been turning it over in her mind for ever to come up with such a "witty" line). That's annoying. Tyra, on the other hand, could use a great deal more scripting.

Joanie: I think she's somewhere between uninteresting and ugly, and more importantly, she's extremely annoying. "Two for the money, two for the show, two to get ready, now freakin' walk." WTF? She's like a cross between Kim and Lisa. Can't stand her.

When are you doing the recap from this Wednesday?

[America's Next Top TOP]

OMG, this was so worth the wait. I am over here at my desk, cheeks ABLAZE, trying not to pass out laughing. I hate you so much for doing this to me at lunchtime!!!

Furonda is ugly.

[marlo_girl]

how frickin happy am i that ANTM is on just so i can read your blogs?

i think one reader put it succinctly:

"I love you, and now I must change my drawers."

sigh.

and i think the ghetto quotient is at an all time high this year, what with Furonda (the name alone) and danielle (who doesn't know what regal means?)... the bus from arkansas was full this season, boy... lots of gals have aspirations of movin' on up like george and weezie.

predictions:

nnenna wins.
joanie rocks.
jade goes bezerk.

[B. Harlow]

I also adore these recaps! Straight from 'Project Runway' let down/finale to this....cool!
And all of your insights are spot on. That girl really does look like a knobby penis head with ears, the Bobby Brown comparision...oh yes!, and the others. I think the blonde, Kari (?), could easily pass for a blonde Denise Richards.
Thanks for the exceptional laughs!

[jennztar]

OMG! do you KNOW how long I waited to see your recap of ANTM! ugh. i got hooked on fourfour last cycle, and now it's all back!
my life seems complete :)
yeah. what's up with Duh-Gina? God she's annoying! And being Korean... I can truly, truly say that she's a disgrace to our race!
not only is she UGLY (she doesn't even LOOK Korean), she's just.. STUPID!
I swear, my sister was like, "OMG, if she makes the top 13, then I'm gonna HAVE to watch the rest of the season just to see how much more she can humiliate Koreans."

anywya, there's my rant. yes Jade is super annoying and Nnenna does seem to be portrayed as the girl everyone thinks is gonna win.

-jenn-

[Jaime]

I've been waiting for this since last week and the wait was well worth it. You are hilarious as always!

[bethanne]

thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

[B.Wombat]

Oh How I love thee..
I have been waiting since friday for this and I am at work laughing my ass off at the "Furonda-Gremlin""Furonda-Headed Mantis" or should i call it the "Furontis".. Oooohhh I like that one.. You forgot to put in when "Furontis" got dissed by Tyra in the "You guys got any questions for me, but im gonna answer them with useless answers part of the show"
Please keep up the good recaps you sexy hot piece of man meat..
p.s. I love winston

[Sy'rah]

Ok, so who didn't think that bald Furonda looked like Starvin' Marvin from South Park?

[Tiffany]

Everything in my life has fallen back into place with the return of fourfour's ANTM recaps. Thank you thank you thank you <3

Joanie is gorgeous and reminds me of some Pantene Pro-V hair model or something like that. Except her face shape reminds me of a rectangle. Just a little bit. Gina just blows me away with how she thinks (I secretly adore/hate her) and Jade has just got to go.

Long live the fourfour!

[Leah Wright]

I love your commentary, I've been waiting forever for this! :)

Jade = video girl video girl video girl!!!

Wendy, Furonda, and Kathy = blah

Nnenna, Kari, Danielle, Joanie = awesome

Gina = special ed

Leslie, Molly Sue = up in the air

This season is gonna be great! Next week they have a walk off with roaches woohoo!

leah

[Liz]

So glad these recaps are back. Love!

[Cocoa Girl]

OMGosh...you kilted (kill, uber past tense) with that Winston, 80s girl, blondie contestant equation. I am so happy to have you back with ANTM!!!

[Lola]

Hey Rich. Your observations are so freaking astute and hillarious. Reading your updates is usually the highlight of my day (sad, but true). Anyway, don't you think Kathy resembles Heidi from Apprentice season one?

[Carly]

Jade needs a serious humbling. But dare I say this early in the game that this season has way mroe potential for good TV than the last? I gave up on last season about halfway through.

[ACB]

No word on Sara? What a gorgeous picture.

Now if she can only learn to walk. Hey! Where have we heard that before? Oh, yeah, last season's Sara...

[Paco]

I love you so much. These recaps are the highlight of my week.

I think Gina may have a cleft palate.