Isn't tonight glamorous?

If you didn't see Three 6 Mafia and the Stay Fly Girls' Interpretive Dance Troupe's (that's not really their name, but shouldn't it be?) performance of Hustle & Flow's "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" on last night's Oscars, you'll probably want to do that. If you did see it, you'll probably want to again. So here's my youtube upload of it:

I don't think there's any other way to perform that song live, but by incorporating interpretive dancers. Way to match the over-the-top spirit of the movie, everyone!

I really wanted Taraji P. Henson to be wearing a pregnant suit and have her hair done like it was humid. But I guess it was time for glamor. Plus, I mean, the Solid Hoe Dancers were all we needed in the realm of realism:

I guess these are the "witches" jumping ship?

Also loved the down-whiteboy john.

Oh, speaking of those witches-not-bitches, I read in Entertainment Weekly that Three 6 Mafia were asked to clean up some of the lyrics, but that they were allowed to use "bich" and "hoe." They just censored themselves because kids would be watching (it's a family show!). That's cute. So was their incoherent acceptance speech. I can't appreciate enough how Three 6 must have rattled nerves and turned stomachs all over the auditorium. They took us to an alternate reality for about eight minutes, and their alternate reality was a lot less bland than Hollywood's. Best Oscar moment. Nothing will ever top it, ever.

But, uh, a few things seemed to try.

First of all, this is either really tragic or really funny.

Am I a few feet closer to hell for laughing with the same considerable force every time I hear: "There were...their movies were, um, were a sharp breakthrough...uh, break in style, as well"? Nice save, Bacall!

But really, maybe tragic. I don't know.

With that out of the way, I'm not so interested in going through all the huge names and picking them apart, because by now, it's already been done and of course people look stupid and lame at the Oscars. It's fucking Hollywood.

But that said, when I see someone who looks particularly bad, I find myself wondering every time, "Do they look that way for a role?"

?

Is that a ducktail?

I think in this case, the answer is yes, she does look that way for a role. Her North Country role. She just hasn't washed her hair since.

Moving on: Dolly Parton used a great technique to detract attention from her oddly elongated face . . .

. . . cameltoe!

I really don't need to know that much about her vagina, but whatever.

And what is vagina without some douche:

This Howard Berger character blabbered on and on about Where the Wild Things Are and shit, and went over the time limit he was supposed to share with his partner, who clearly has the patience of a kindergarten teacher for not hitting him over the head with a Sendak hardcover. Note to Howard: you're makeup. Know your place and share the 45 seconds that we aren't going to listen to, anyway.

Speaking of not caring, here's Catherine Keener goofing off during the boring-ass, anti-DVD-propaganda laced speech of Sid Ganis, the president of the Academy:

I think she's motioning to a rented bracelet and saying, "Will you buy me this?" to some identified colleague across the row. I bet she was talking to him:

And I bet he would!

Speaking of jewelry: hey Terrence, nice broach . . .

. . . is your son wearing one?

Regardless, that's an exquisite ring, too. He is a straight-up dandy. Not that we didn't already know that.

Larry McMurty wore jeans with a blazer!

He is sooooooo hipster '05.

And finally, it sucks that Brokeback lost, but it sucks even more what it lost to.

Way to let that Oscar immediately go to your head, iconoclast! That's him accepting for Best Original Screenplay. And what a screenplay it is! Seriously, if two hours of "Race. Race race race! Race!!! RACE!!!! Race race ra-EXPLOSION!! Race. Race. Race?" make up a hammer by which to shape society, please hit me over the head with it first.

Comments

[Pip]

Lauren Bacall was tragically funny and don't be afraid for your soul. rumor is that she has none and can be a real witch (u know diva style slapping people and what not). if you are going to hell, she will meet you there.

[Scout]

Rich, that was awesome. I'm glad I'm not the only one disappointed with 'Crash' taking the big prize. I thought that movie was hack.

[Butta]

Solid Hoe Dancers

Dead and I'm giving you an urn with my ashes in it.

[dw]

Am I wrong or was one of the dancers from the "Pimp" spectacle Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" Quiñones from the 80s movie "Breakin"?

[dede]

Was I the only one who wanted to throw up when Reese Witherspoon not only won, beating out the truly immortal, powerful, and challenging performance by Felicity Huffman, but who then proceeded to give a sickeningly saccharine, self-congratulatory speech as if she was god's gift to hollywood. For doing what exactly? yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck

[Jen]

The Oscars were a complete snoozefest. No one making any sort of political commentay or anything (not that we wouldn't poke fun at that had it happened). But seriously - no peace signs, no thinly-veiled anti-Bush jokes... It's almost as if everyone were threatened into keeping things as bland as possible.

But on another note... how hot was Salma Hayek?

[Randi]

HEY dw....my boyfriend swears that Shabba-Do was on that stage. Ozone in the flesh. Oh, and did anyone else notice that although they changed "bitch" to "witch", they still said "Shit" in the next line? AKA "A whole lot of witches talking shit."

[loca]

THAT WAS OZONE!

[Janie]

agreed. "crash" was nothing special. RACE!

i looooooooooooved george clooney's facial expressions in reaction to what was going on. there should have been a clooney-cam all night just showing us his hilarious and beautiful grimaces and mock anger.

[romcraw]

does Lauren Bacall have Parkinson's? Or dyslexia? She nervouses me.

[simone]

I didn't like the pimp performance. I actually cringed watching those guys jump around and pretend to shoot each other and the girls shaking their ass. It just sends the most sterotypical message to hollywood and the rest of white america...[i.e. "there go those blacks with their ghetto mentality] UGH I was so embarrassed! Why can't we win awards for a wider range of personas and roles?!!

[Melissa]

OMG my boyfriend and I were cracking up at Bacall too!!!! So tragic ... and she was so bored

[pesky808]

OMG - Catherine Keener/three6mafia, hilarious!!!
I'm lovin' those two guys with the insanely huge bow ties.

I'm pretty disappointed that Reese Witherspoon won for Best Actress.

[jeremyj]

The Academy has a problem with homo cowboys winning, but not Scientologists (which is just slang for homos-in-the-closet)? I don't get it.
I would have rather that filthy jew's movie won.
Or that other movie About a Faggot.
Or that other movie--the one from the 50's. I can't believe that McCarthy had so much power that it was suppressed until this year.
He must have known Elia Kazan.

[Carly]

The interpretive pimp dance was worth all the other stuff I sat through to get to that. Though, did you notice they let a "shit" slip through the censors?

Otherwise: largely predictable.

Any thoughts on the "fashions"?

[rod]

You caught almost every moment where I had left the room to fill my drink. Granted. I drink a lot ...
My total fave moment (in a non-snark way) was the Altman riff by MS and LT.

Also, keep in mind that there were more tender moments between Naomi Watts and King Kong on screen then between the Brokeback Boys.

Man on Man action = bad.
Woman on Monkey action = good.

[Melissa]

Oh and Randi it's "witches jumping SHIP"

[rebecca]

being that i get sunburn and all, me getting all rah rah whenever black folk get the stage and own it in uptight white hollywood don't make a whole lotta sense. raw energy, infectious grooves, and genuine enthusiasm just seem...better than all this narcissistic self-consiousness. i cried last year when Jamie Foxx gave his acceptance speech and reached out the ghost of the no-nonsense woman who raised him and beat his ass. and everytime i hear "its hard out here for a pimp", i get teary and feel like we all got a chance. long live the next level!

[Randi]

Ummm. The original was "talking shit" I don't really see how pimps would want to jump ship. Or witches. That's like a Halloween/Pirate special.
Unless they edited it in a TBS-movie way to make up insults that don't make sense.

"Fart you!"

[Rich]

For the record, I always heard the original as "For the Cadillacs and gas money spent / We'll have a whole lotta bitches jumpin' ship." In fact, I *KNOW* that's what it is because during Hustle & Flow, when Shug is learning the song, DJay forcefully repeats that line after she sings the chorus for the first time (as if to say, "Don't fuck up, bottom bitch").

I think bitches/witches jump ship to more prosperous pimps?

Long live 3-6 Mafia....All those horrified faces...priceless....This will go down in history as the VERY best Oscar moment in long time...of all time.

[Q]

ok we agreed that it was hateable for the "pimp" mess BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SLO-MO interpretative dance /reenactment of the scenes in the "Crahs " soundtrack" THAT WAS HILARIOUS with the one chick standing ever so frozen while the police guy "molested" her right on stage...i spit food right at that moment

[Greg]

LOVED Salma Hayek introducing Bill Conti as Bill CUNTY--twice!

[Zsa]

Rich, dahlink, a few things . . .

Regarding Mr. Howard's lapel montrosity, the preferred usage is "brooch," not "broach," a misstep that reeks of your Jersey background -- likewise, your failure to acknowledge, much less recognize, the genius of the _Crash_ script.

As a gorgeous dyke, I submit that _Brokeback_, albeit gorgeously filmed, is standard Hollywood fare; why, it heavy-handedly approaches formula, fags notwithstanding.

And, petite dahlinks, Madame Bacall is 85 years old, give or take a few years. It seems likely that she suffers from Parkinson's (note my use of "suffers"). Perhaps you'd rather she'd SUFFERED a bout of flatulence on stage? Dahlinks, pahleeeezzzzz.

Finally, Rich, dear, your thoughts on the "Mafia" (giggle, gaffaw) could use a healthy dose of revisionist thinking: "I can't appreciate enough how Three 6 must have rattled nerves and turned stomachs all over the auditorium. They took us to an alternate reality for about eight minutes, and their alternate reality was a lot less bland than Hollywood's. Best Oscar moment. Nothing will ever top it, ever."

Rattle nerves? Turn stomachs? No, dahlink, call a spade a spade: the performance was a laugh-fest. The gentleman, so entirely out of "their" context, were a hoot, at their own expense. Yes, how embarrassing, how utterly embarrassing. Put another way, that blatant incongruity is akin to what urges me to sporadically visit your precious bloggy blog.

Yours in pomposity,
Zsa

[duane]

with regards to crash; I couldn't agree more!