Bravo totally got the editing wrong. No matter how much they'd have to fudge chronology, the above shot should have been the show's parting glance. The only thing that would have made it more perfect? If it were Andraé sitting with Tim, instead of Santino. Andraé sitting with Tim, wearing a lobster bib.
Anyone, one show left...
...muthafuckas...
(Thank god.)
I know: bitch, bitch, bitch. Yeah, this show's been good to us, but no lie: Heidi might as well have come into my living room and announced, "This week's challenge will be getting through the episode. You have one hour and zero dollars. Byeeee!" Bitch. Maybe it was the lack of tension inherent in an elimination-free episode. Maybe it was just me being pissy that they stretched this shit out so that the finale-finale airs the same night as the two-hour ANTM premiere and one night before the Lil' Kim show so that next week, I'll be up to my balls in screencaps and reality garbage. Maybe it's that after last week's drama camp spectacular, anything would have paled in comparison. I mean, I don't know if even scenes of the childbirth Heidi underwent during this episode's timespan would have helped. Well, maybe if the baby, upon its vaginal dismount, instead of crying screamed, "Sixteeeeeen deeeesigners!!!" and Heidi countered with (what is in my opinion, her greatest hit:) "I'm cuh-fused!" Maybe then the episode would have been more special.
Maybe.
Otherwise: boring. And when not boring: annoying.
1. Really annoying.
I'm officially over the be-blazered Daniel after having to listen to him brag and brag.
"Ugh, I love it," he said about this purse he designed. Ugh is right.
And as if the boasting weren't bad enough, I had to listen to him whine incessantly about not being praised enough. The golden boy rusts! Boo hoo. I counted six seemingly separate instances of bitch-assedness, which we'll review now, just in case there's doubt that Daniel has pretty much taken over taken over Santino's role of class douchebag.
One: "As I'm showing Tim my collection, I was thinking to myself, like, why isn't he saying more? Like, why isn't he piddling in his panties over excitement?"
Because it's much more fun to shit on you, Daniel. Tim's a scat man, anyway.
Two: "I was surprised how little Tim said about my collection, and I was slightly...offended."
Three: "Tim just came and was like, 'Hm. Yeah. Hm. Hm.' And I was like 'WHAT?' I love it. I love it."
The squawked "WHAT?" combined with the expression and hubris made for a very Skeksi-esque designer.
Four: "When I first showed Tim my collection, I was actually quite surprised because he wasn't very vocal about it. But I think when he sees it all pulled together on a body, I think he'll really be blown away."
Five: "He kinda held back and it's a little nerve-wracking, 'cause usually, you'd love people to fawn over your stuff."
Shoot him. Seriously.
Six: "Tim hates me."
Yeah. He's not the only one.
I do wonder, though, how much of this commentary (at least that which appeared in the confessional segments) was shot after the winner was announced. If it's any, this could be winner Daniel harping on the fact that Tim doubted him and how foolish that was. Whatever way you cut, pin and sew it, though, Daniel's a prick.
2. Am I going to cause a rupture in the space-time continuum by posting this?
"Y'know, of course, I've like read every shitty blog." Now, if Santino would link to this, he'd be a television personality commenting on the Internet on another comment on the Internet on a televised comment about reading comments on the Internet about television. Do it, baby! Let's create a wrinkle in cyberspace.
I felt bad when Santino was talking about his major insecurity. He has a point about him being his toughest critic and I hate to think that I could have said something especially about his appearance that would have hurt his feelings. But, at the same time, if you're going to relish being the person we love to hate (in the third person, no less!), and get fame out of the deal, you're going to have to deal with the hate. Sorry. You put yourself out there, you get scrutinized. The end. The downside is that people say mean things. The upside is that as long as you're on TV, some people don't care to see past that and you get laid more. It's a trade off. Enjoy it.
"If there's a lesson I've definitely learned, it's that I'd definitely think twice about saying something about someone I don't know." Bullshit! The guy is a born critic. And don't try to get all high and mighty. We know we aren't penetrating your soul, Santino -- we know you're a real person, but when we talk about you we're talking about a television character who we're fully aware is edited and packaged. Finally, in the words of Tyra Banks, "Everybody talks about everybody."
3. Plus, is it better to say things about people you know?
"I feel like Chloe's collection just looked like a couch was comin' at 'cha."
Ha! He's 100 percent right. Shit-talking has its place.
Please don't throw it away.
4. Tim visited all three designers at home, as they were readying their collections. We learned that...
Santino is good friends with Tony Ward.
It's weird not seeing him masturbating in a tub or making out with Madonna.
Chloe's mother doesn't really like strangers.
And Chloe has about 8,000 sisters. Despite what this artist's rendering suggests, they don't really look like Osmonds.
Daniel's mom cut was intentional.
He was all, like, sprung for praise when Tim complimented it. Bad, Tim! This look from the past was so much better on Daniel:
If he'd go back to that, I'd consider getting over getting over him.
5. Here's another ANTM crossover:
He was just shown for a split second, doing nothing in this episode. On ANTM he was more active, sitting alongside Nanette Lepore during the go-see episode of ANTM Cycle 3.
You may remember when he called Eva "piggish," displaying a horrifying, perhaps hilarious lack of self-awareness.
But see? Everybody talks about everybody!
6. Heidi is such a liar!
"While you guys all are having fun with the champagne, I'm having the lovely apple cider, but anyway..." Yeah. Anyyyyywaaaaaayyyy. Way to make a point to tell us that, Heidi. Now I really believe you. And whatever, you know she's the type to go Geek Love and ingest crazy shit so that she'd have a very special child. A child who would have sewing machines for hands and could scream "Sixteeeeeen deeeeesigners!" upon leaving the womb.
LIAR!
Uh...lovers?
7. And there's more were they came from:
LOVERS!
LOVERS!
LOVERS!
I love how reunited-and-it-feels-so-good the placement of Santino's hand is. Gorgeous.
8. OK, so yeah. I lied. I am gonna miss this show.
"Wave goodbye," she says over and over, without words, as though she can't bring herself to make a sound. As though she needs this show, lest she be trapped as a mime forever. She looks so sad. I don't like to see her sad.
Hey Rich... why no links for Tony Ward?
Posted by: Lola | March 03, 2006 at 10:43 AM
I loved when Santino chose Andrae and he was gushing everywhere and calls him a wildman. I'm going to miss Andrae. Lupe and Emmett looked so sad that they were not picked. I was a huge fan of Daniel, but after seeing him whine, instread of hustling to fix it, I think he just got too complacent. At least this episode had Dirty Diana in it.
Posted by: hardly@work | March 03, 2006 at 10:45 AM
Rich, you are awesomes! :) Great recap! AND YAY!!! ANTM is back next week!!!!! :) :) :) Are you going to watch that MTV Model Show that comes on Tuesdays? 8th & Ocean or something like that? It looks interesting.
Posted by: Sumati | March 03, 2006 at 10:47 AM
OMG, you HAVE to try and recap 8th and Ocean...although I know you'll be caught up w/ ANTM...I would, if I had even 1/16th of the skills you do...Lol, poor sad Santino has changed his ways... YEAH RIGHT. Right after that, they add a clip of him talking shit about Chloe's collection. And Daniel! Awww...I was angry @ him too for being so complacent. COME ON DANIEL! And yes, that purse was way too crafty. And long. And wtf?!
Heidi, I'll miss you too...
Posted by: Keisha | March 03, 2006 at 11:03 AM
What-evah, I still love daniel v, and if he would go back to punk danny v with the tats, and the hair and the skater clothes, i'd fly to new york and fight you for him!
Posted by: Kel von Texas | March 03, 2006 at 11:54 AM
Daniel's purse reminded me of Sesame Street, like the numbers The Count would use in his Transylvanian castle. "8! 8 handbags! Ah ha ha..."
Posted by: Patrice | March 03, 2006 at 12:06 PM
my favorite part of this episode was how santino got all poignant about the supposed trials and adversity of his life (having to couch-surf for a while? having a funny voice?), while chloe was all 'whatevs' about the fact that she was captured by soldiers while trying to flee a war in the middle of the night, and then grew up in a prison.
Posted by: istolethetv | March 03, 2006 at 12:13 PM
I felt ripped off this week. Ripped off! Next week better make up for it, dammit. And though I know it was blatant product placement, I'm somewhat disappointed you didn't make snarky mention of Tim Gunn's new Saturn Roadster for every designer he went to visit. ;)
Posted by: Carly | March 03, 2006 at 12:25 PM
UGH!! Daniel and his EGO!!! His collection is too old!!! Perfect for the prim and proper grandma. CHLOE - FUGLY dresses!!! Her collection lacks consistency..........
SANTINO is going to win this. That last scene from the last episode with him totally lost is a tell-tell sign.
Posted by: rO1 | March 03, 2006 at 12:32 PM
GEEK LOVE!!! OMG you really are too amazing for words.
You are my favorite.
Posted by: brandy | March 03, 2006 at 12:48 PM
For 99% of the season, I have been a Full Dan Fan and a Santino Loather but watching this I felt distaste for Daniel with his whining, bragging and queenyness. (although I had a dream about him last night and umm he was very hetero ). I also felt strangely drawn to Santino. Maybe it was the cute kids with him. The powers of editing? But I will always love you Rich, your recaps and Winston!
Posted by: Elissa (Nigel's mom) | March 03, 2006 at 01:15 PM
BWUAHAHAHAHAHA! That was the best ever.
Posted by: duane | March 03, 2006 at 01:33 PM
I'm echoing Brandy. You referenced Geek Love and now I will love you forever and ever amen.
Posted by: Ms. Pants | March 03, 2006 at 02:15 PM
Loved the update, as usual. As soon as Heidi said the cider disclaimer, I thought, "FourFour will have a heyday with that one."
Still love Santino. Now hating Dan V. I read in his bio that he has a choreography and competitive gymnastic background. So why does he look so (charmingly) wobbly and awkward when he does the bent-over, finger snap walk in the show's intro?
Also loved reader Istolethetv's observation above on Chloe vs. Santino's obstacles. Hilarious.
Posted by: nictate | March 03, 2006 at 02:54 PM
Yeah! Santino & Geek Love rule!!!! Love your recaps, thanks for making my days.
Posted by: Gwen | March 03, 2006 at 03:25 PM
wow.the baby pics of Santino were so cute and then *Bam!* with the fugly stick. So why did I continue to find myself attracted to Santino? Rich did you catch that Santino is bi or multi racial.
Oh yeah, saw Diana on the 3 train last night. I thought twice about pumping her for info.
Posted by: Coy | March 03, 2006 at 04:57 PM
Okay, so there is Santino whining about people making fun of his looks, his hair and his voice and how painful that can be to have peopel attack you personally... you'd think he would have some compassion and not make fun of Diana's voice?
Posted by: Alex | March 03, 2006 at 05:09 PM
It was so obvious that Chloe's mother didn't know what to do standing at the door waiting for Tim. I couldn't stop laughing when Tim's comment about Daniel's bags was "they look kind of arts and crafts" or something like that. Daniel was beginning to look like my favorite until watching this episode. The best part was the shot of the designers not chosen to help with the final task. Too funny!
Posted by: a. | March 03, 2006 at 05:25 PM
I just wrote a ridiculously long analysis of the end-season character revision, as it parallels with the alterations made to Season One (Jay is nice and personable, Wendy's just a sad old lady, Kara Saun is prissy and sort of obnoxious for trying to best everyone with her shoes), then decided to summarize instead.
The gist is that they're working to make us like Santino because he's vastly more interesting as a person and a designer (his collection was the only even remotely appealing of the three). They are setting up Daniel V., the all-along expected winner, as an arrogant, self-absorbed and maybe sort of boring kid who could benefit from some work, life experience, and a fat serving of humble pie. Poor Chloe has become a shadow of herself and is just sad and exhausted, which her designs show, and we're supposed to think maybe she'd be better off if she could just go back to her giant family and blend back into the blur of girls.
Santino is like Winston, in that "it's what makes us strange that keeps us interesting." And Bravo has to justify that to people after spending most of the season exploiting his personality without acknowledging that he's actually an incredibly interesting, talented designer.
Posted by: Vicki | March 03, 2006 at 06:29 PM
It was bitch-assedy of Daniel V. But it WAS pretty messed up for Tim Gunn to run around and critique everyone's collection hours before the show goes on. I mean, at this point it's a little late for 'Make it Work.' I would have been terrified so I could totally cut Dan some slack.
Posted by: JP | March 03, 2006 at 07:06 PM
Another fabulous recap, Rich. Genius! Thanks so much. What am I going to do after next week? ANTM?
Posted by: Laura K | March 03, 2006 at 07:10 PM
Hard to believe everyone whose ready to call Daniel an asshole since he:
• spent the entire series being friendly and easy going and pretty low key
• after winning the most challenges ever feels happy and confident about his collection
• gets understandably upset that the mentor who gave him positive feedback six weeks earlier suddenly shuts down on him
• that sudden change in Tim Gunn's behavior comes during what is possibly the most stressful week of his life.
Compared to what Santino has said and done during the series, what Daniel is doing is nothing. And what about you, critics? How would you hold up under that kind of pressure when that runway show could have such a profound effect on your career?
Go ahead and love Santino (or Chloe) but put things in perspective please.
Posted by: miriald | March 03, 2006 at 08:16 PM
Woah:
1) I want an airbrush T-shirt with Chloe and her eight sisters on it. Did you notice that they were all born within nine years? I think that wrinkle in the space-time continuum has already happened.
2) Further proof of cosmic misalignment: Chloe choosing DIANA ENG as her special helper at the end. Daniel's haircut is offensive; Santino's lying when he says he's not going to criticize people anymore. But Chloe? Chloe has LOST HER DAMN MIND.
Posted by: Lauren | March 03, 2006 at 09:04 PM
Rich, your ProjRun recaps and screencaps really are the ranch dressing, croutons, and bacon bits on the tossed salad of my week. Love them, need them, want them! I will miss these as much as I will this season.
This next to last episode totally flipped the script on the contestants and how I felt about them. Great editing on Bravo's part.
But on to what really got me open during this episode...Is Santino, dare I say it, a "brotha"? When they showed his baby pictures he clearly looked like a little light-skinned Black baby and in the family photo there was no mistaking that his mother was Black. Maybe she was (is?) Latina, but dammit I know I sista when I see one.
Anyway, I can't wait for the finale. Carry on!
Posted by: Butta | March 03, 2006 at 11:10 PM
Tony Ward? As in the guy from the "Justify My Love" video? He was The Hotness back then.
And seriously Daniel V. was KILLING me. He really has gotten complacent with all his PR wins. Down, boy. Your collection ain't bangin'.
Posted by: mags | March 04, 2006 at 12:49 AM