Mollie pardoned

Everyone, play your copy of Michael Jackson's "Gone Too Soon" ('cause I know you own it) to mourn Mollie Sue's untimely departure. When you've wiped up your tears, please realize that this was inevitable. She suffered from what we (y'know, Tyra and I) call "lack of persona" from the start (even though that persona is clearly determined in the editing room, but whatever). Not unlike Rosemary Woodhouse, the fictional character whose hair hers was meant to emulate, she was cursed. Fucking with her and letting her hang around for a few more episodes would have been fun, but only in a necrophile sort of way.

And you know what? To put this all in perspective, large-handed Furonda...

...this woman...

...is the current front runner in the competition. Don't get it twisted. Life is unfair.

That said, I'm dedicating all these tears to M.S. I'll miss her bland confessionals most of all!

30. John, Nnenna's bf.

Hell yes, he counts. Just like Nigel or Tyra or Miss J or Mr. Bojangles (provided that he'd bless us with another a cameo) would count. Plus, y'know, it's always fun to mock blubbering boyfriends whose quivering voices occasionally grace this show (his call only could have been better if he'd warbled, "You FRENCH KISSED?!?!" a la Shandi's bf).

31. Furonda

Just the thought of Tyra fall-down-go-booming was enough to send her into hysterics. It was like seeing a giant fall. Exactly like it.

32. John

Since we only got to see him for a second last episode, I took the liberty of estimating what he probably look like as he resumed his long-distance tears:

33. Mollie Sue

Sucked at the commercial challenge and knew it. At least she was prepared.

34. Brooke

Started tearing up even before she filmed her commercial. Easy, cheesy, but tearful.

35. Brooke

Resumed crying after her commercial. Unlike Cover Girl, tears are just so not nice to wear.

36. Mollie Sue

Which hurt more: being eliminated or rubbing up against Jade's snake skin? We'll never know.

37. Jade

Impressive: her heart is three sizes too small and she still cried!

38. Brooke

Third time's a charm. Brooke is officially awesome (but not more so than Furonda, of course).

39. Danielle

I don't know if it's me desperate for shots that explicitly illustrate the crying or if it's becoming some sort of fetish, but whenever I see shiny tear streaks across a face on this show, I'm like, "Yes!" But then, Danielle never disappoints.

Nor does Tyra. Especially if she's imitating Danielle, which she does in the Tyraism of the Week.

"All right, Danielle, so you know about the accent. (In Danielle voice) Perfection. You have to really study the other girls that have the newscaster accent, just the normal accent where no matter what city you're in, it's pretty much a standard accent."

Tyra, say "accent" again. I dare you. Ooh, and say "newscaster accent" again. I double dare you!

(But for real, her impression of Danielle was great, and it only got better. She really can act!)

And speaking of actresses, Miss J was more Pearl-y than ever, which Bill pointed out to me yesterday. Considering those bangs, I agree wholeheartedly. Check the Jwatch:

The spirit of Helen Martin guides him.

And also:

1. Jade's improvised Cover Girl commercial provided the high point of the season so far. I can't even do it justice and, really, don't you want to see it again anyway?

Here:

So, spinning felt fabulous, huh? She sounds like a gay kid in pre-first.

The moral of the story is: making these hoes think on their feet is a recipe for hilarity (though we've known that for a while -- remember when Shandi flipped into Jan Brady mode during a spokesmodel challenge when she described her fake line as a "hip, new, super-glam look?" Genius.).

I mean, Joanie?

This is the girl whose party I want to go to. "You guys gonna be here all night?" she asks. How could we leave when she's the picture of hip, new super-glamor?

Oh, and Danielle?

A future spokesmodel of the world. Clearly.

Oh and...

...whatshername can talk? Who knew!

2. Jade's commercial almost makes it worth putting up with her -- I mean, someone has to fill the void Gina left, right? Jade does so with bizarre behavior, an air of spoken-word "consciousness," nicenessness, incense and a series of revealing assertions. I find myself shouting, "Imagine that!" so often after Jade bestows upon us one of her pearls of wisdom. It's almost like a game. A really easy game that nonetheless would undoubtedly prove confusing to these girls and result in the editors playing that cricket-chirping sound effect they love, but a game all the same.

• Jade doesn't have a boyfriend!

Imagine that!

• Upon meeting her, everybody thinks Jade is an arrogant bitch!

Imagine that!

• Despite "Ver-sayse"-like confusion over the word "facade," Jade still thinks she needs to write a book.

Imagine that!

• Tyra mizzle.

Imagine that!

3. And also, imagine this:

A beautiful fantasy isn't it?

I knew it was fake, but I really never thought they'd actually tell us that it was fake. Shockingly, Tyra set us straight.

Whew! I was worried. I love how you can hear Danielle say, "That was a good job," in the sound clip. From anyone else, it would seem like ass-kissing. Danielle just sounded pissed. Danielle, I like how you keep it real.

And how about when Tyra did it again in judging and no one found it funny, and she looked to the side, all embarrassed?

That hair. That awkwardness. The woman really is becoming Valerie Cherish.

4. During the rapping challenge, I was really hoping Nnenna would bust out, "Who's that gigolo on the street / With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet." Just cuz back in the day, we used to say Neneh Cherry's first name incorrectly, pronouncing it just like Nnenna's.

Oh well. It was no "Buffalo Stance," but Nnenna's rap was hot.

Oh, and how awesome was Joanie for calling out Jade's below-the-belt bullshit?

5. Nnenna was named this episode's Cover Girl of the Week.

I have a feeling it's going to bounce between Nnenna, Danielle and maybe even Furonda from now on. Call it a hunch. Anyway, future installments may find the gushing pull-quotes about Nnenna looking something like this:

6. I loved Furonda and Nnenna's PSA.

Be smart, be safe, be beautiful, be...

...sexy silouhettes?

Whatever. This, by the way, is what Furonda wants to do with her "supermodel status." I suppose it beats rocking a shower cap at the Cover Girl plant or stalking Molly Sims.

7. Poor Brooke.

She doesn't know how to rhyme.

I love that because she's either being so down and using "rhyme" instead of "rap," or she's admitting that she can't put words with like sounds together. She needs to join Jade in pre-first.

Anyway, I think she's the next to go. Sucks, but she's just a big-lipped fish in a small pond.

8. OMG, did you know that the order in which the girls go before the judging panel is selected randomly?

I didn't and I've been watching this shit all my life! It feels that way, at least.

9. Jay says: Don't sell me the side-effects.

I say: You're a side effect.

(Really, he is. And you can't even itch him away.)

10. Seriously, I can't get over it.

It feels fabulous.

Comments

[elb]

Doesn't Brooke go apeshit next week? Man, I hope she turns out to be a cutter.

[raging indie]

Rich, totally unfair. I'm laughing so hard that my coworkers are prairie-dogging in their cubicles. Viva Jade!

Jade is from outerspace!

[whatwouldjanicedickinsodo]

I am loving Danielle. I thought she was seriously going to smack Tyra after her fake-out faint.
One note though: you forgot the genius that is Joanie. To whit:
"Maybe Nnenna is 120% book smart and like 4% common sense smart"

[Jude]

I've been waiting for your recap since Wednesday night!

I had this funny feeling that the episode would be funny, so I DVRed it--and Jade's commercial made me laugh so hard, I was rolling on the floor every single time I rewound the DVR to see it again. God, it's great to see her get taken down a notch. Even if next week she's sure to bounce back strong, because...unfortunately....she is a hell of a competitor. Why no clip of Perfect Eyebrows And Lip Gloss Jay M. calling Jade a drag queen, though? That was a highlight.

I think I love your recaps more than I love the actual show, by the way. It's fabulous!

[ju-ju]

Jade must be a plant. No way is she a real live human being. If she was going to be that vile, at least be smart about it. Bitch didn't even know what "facade" meant. And "Brooke is so sentimental"?! I LMAO'ed when she said that. Then stared in disbelief during her Cover Girl Tranny Prance. Then LMAO'ed again.

Danielle takes great photos. I like her Southern accent (you hear that, Tyra[nt], Southern, *not* hella country). However, THAT GRILL AIN'T RIGHT. Somebody recommend her to Pall Wall, or Kelis, or something. Anything. Please.

Furonda aka Zorak impressed me this week, as did Leslie (who?). Sarah's commercial was fine. Joanie, let's go party. Brooke is still seriously fug.

And Nnenna?! DON'T CALL HIM. It's that simple.

[aj]

That picture of John made me have to pee a little.

I think I love you...

I also think that I want to go out drinking w/ Joanie...she seems cool as shit.

Thanks for another great one!

[Bill]

i've never actually gotten angry at a television show, but i literally was furious when mollie sue got the axe, because i knew the only reason she got knocked out and jade stayed was because they knew jade would provide the drama and the ratings.

damn you UPN.... damn you!

[raging indie]

One thing add-on: No one can do math on this show.

I think I might love Joanie a little. If there were no Jade, she would totally be the bitch. How great was her "Nnenna is like 120 percent book smarts and 4 percent street smarts" line? ...Because that's how percents work.

She should team up with Miss J and offer free tutoring.

[gayest neil]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Whew. This show. This fucking crazy ass show. This fucking monstrous show. You do it justice Rich. You buff and shine it's utter lack of self-awareness into a dazzling shine. Bravo!

[julie]

Jwatch killed me this week! LMAO! I wanna beat Jade down but for some reason I don't want her to go just yet. She's rather entertaining, basically just because she's such a bitch.

[karsh]

Seriously...this is the best ANTM recap ever. I am dying here at work looking at Brooke's facial contortions and Jade's
"fabulous" twirls.

[Tootie]

I kept hoping that Tyra's wig might come unglued when she did her fake fainting spell.

[Michael K]

RICH! Jesus thanks you for that Jade clip. This will stay in my heart forever!

[Saun]

As long as Jade is around, you have to do the "Imagine That" segment. When she didn't know what "facade" meant all I could say was "Are you kiddin me?" The fact that it was Furonda educating her just put it over the top. And the way Danielle's face looked after the fall, I was waiting for her to say "Bitch, that ain't funny."

are you this funny in normal everyday speech or does it require thought to attain this level of genius?

[KV]

Ugh! Jade! Seriously, it's been two days and I still don't know what to say. So...ugh. But I laughed out loud when Tyra mentioned how long she'd been trying to become a model and STILL hadn't succeeded...

Furonda, on the other [enormous] hand, is still WEIRD. And what is with Brooke's simpering little baby voice?

I liked Mollie Sue, and yeah, obviously her "persona" had been left on the editing room floor.

[Jamie]

There are only 8 girls left, how does Leslie manage to get less than 40 seconds air time in each episode!? Girl needs to shed a tear or call someone a skank-ho or confess to a life-long struggle with colitis or something. I fear she will go the way of Nicole Cycle 3 (who? ... exactly!)

[Jeffrey]

Love the recap, as always, but I'm calling "Bulls**t" on bouncing Mollie Sue. I am SO TIRED of hearing the judges say, "Well, Brooke doesn't take a good picture, she can't pose, she can't talk, but I STILL SEE SOMETHING THERE." How many chances does this girl get? And we all know that Jade stayed because Crazy makes Great Television.

Mollie Sue, we promise to make you a star. You deserve it.

[RightO]

The recap was FABULOUS, once again! It was FABULOUS! What can I say? It was FABULOUS! BAH!!!!
This was the *****WRONG***** decision. Mollie Sue is gorgeous. Her pictures maybe weren't the most stunning week to week but they were better than Jades, Joanies, Furondas, Saras, whats-her-name-bubble-butts, and Brookes. She didn't deserve to leave yet. It angers me that just because someone isn't bubbling over with cheerleader goo, they're labelled as having no persona. NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU TYRA! *i'm sorry for yelling Ty Ty, I love you.
That said, Jade. Needs. To. GO. Talk around my office is that she may be playing up the villian role in hopes of becoming a reality star ala Omarosa. I can see a Surreal Life season in her future. But not a modeling contract.
Furonda will not win. She's not pretty. Her picture last week was ok, she did fine in this week's challenge, but she will not win. Keep in mind she was also CRAP in that PSA.
Nnenna on the other hand, was full of grace and poise. Personally, I think they're heading down the whole 'Nnenna's a bitch' storyline to throw us off so its not AS friggin obvious as its been in previous weeks that she's going to win. Sounds like they're making a storyline out of nothing.
Brooke may last longer than we think. They love the girls who undergo major changes, and isn't the 'theme' of this season transformation?
They really need to send Danielle and Joanie to a dentist. Maybe Joanie can donate her snaggletooth to fill in Danielle's gap.
They're priming us for a shock when Leslie makes it to the final three. Can't you feel it? They're limiting her air time right now for a reason.
Sara is growing on me. She's the opposite of pretencious, and I like that.

Valerie Cherish.... lol.. I loved that show. Lisa kudrow should come on Top model lol.

[TAYENYC]

The funniest part of this was watching Tyra fall and them jumping to save her...except the blonde in the corner who doesn't move a hair!!! Watch it again. Its like when Michelle from Destiny's Child fell and they just looked at her and kept it moving. So that girl is now officially Kelly Rowland to me.

And Imagine That! with Jade is now my favorite game. I will be playing this Wed. might even make it a drinking game.

[NYCbaby]

I'm obsessed with this show. But this week was fucked up. Totally agree that lookin-like-that alien-from-the-original-Star-Trek-credits-Jade is there strictly for the drama. Tyra sucks mostly for that. And when is Furonda leaving?? Just cause she's tall and skinny doesn't make her a model. Right Whitney?

I'm sick of looking at Leslie's squinty-eyed face, Brooke's droopy mouth, Sara's pig nose and Forunda pock-marked face. Jade---let your old ass be gone already. THEN let the games begin!

And finally.....why did they cut off my girl Nnenna hair again. SHe looks stunning with it, now she looks so one note (although still breath-taking). Sabotage? Tyra...share the weave.

[MakingFaces]

Oh lawd! That sound clip of Danielle is making me laugh so hard -- "easybreezybeautifulcovergirl -- whasss wrong wit me!?"

Jade's commercial was so fuckin bizarre I don't even know what to say. She was acting like some grand dame who just arrived at the ball...just a twirlin up those stairs.

Nnnnennna hang up the damn phone already! I can't stand when people do that shit. They complain all the time about their boyfriend/girlfriend buggin them, but they willingly pick up the phone, call them, and then unleash a flood of passive agressiveness. I think Nnenna is a closet ice queen. That bitch calls her man JUST so she can hang up on him.

Oh, I also want to poo poo Tyra's latest wig choice, it just looks comical.

[buzz]

i seriously was hoping one of the girls would steal ty's wig when she was out.

the Stretch Armstrong cap of jade is priceless.

someone called Furonda "Zorak". i love you. seriously -- from a gremlin to a mantis to Flavor Flav, is there any creepy-crawly she DOESN'T resemble? why is she here?

valerie. effing. cherish. you continue to rock me, rich.

i'm boycotting the show in honor of mollie sue and only reading your blog from now on. this shit's SO much better remixed.