It's all upstream from now on for America's Next Top Trout.
Nothin', baby, could compare to her lovely face...
...but she did have a helluva rack, didn't she?
And now, just to show how moved I am by Brooke's departure: tears. I wanna give a special shout out to muthafuckin' Tyra Banks for helping make this the cryingest episode since the season premiere.
Can you say, "machination?"
That tear stick is the most important invention to humankind since antiseptics. I need to get one so I can play America's Next Top Crying Bitches at home. Or even on the road!
45. Jade
You know how some people look gorgeous when they cry? Yeah...uh, no.
46. Danielle
I have nothing remotely smart-assed to say about Danielle's compassion. That's how you know it's really love.
47. Jade
Is she fluffed enough?
48. Brooke
She got all, "You're not worth my tears," when she was booted off, but before that, she showed us that she, indeed, was gon' cry.
49. Joanie
This was as touching as Danielle's cry above (Joanie wept when she found out she'd get her snaggletooth removed). God, show, stop making me actually like people!
50. Jade
Here's where the fun really starts!
51. Danielle
Crying...meter...going...
52. Furonda
...into...red...
53. Brooke
...becoming...
54. Nnenna
...bombarded...
55. Sara
...Gavin Rossdale...lodged in head...
56. Joanie
Bad moon white again!
Bad moon white again!
57. Jade
There is no better way to follow up such profound words than with a picture of Jade. She didn't even need the glycerine, that's how real-fake she is.
Heh. Speaking of fake, didn't Tyra look hot at judging?
...for like one second? Until she went into this, which I had to make the (wordless) Tyraism of the Week:
Yeah, we've seen it before, but as long as she keeps bringing the oogly, I'ma keep capturing it.
No Jwatch this week. Don't be sad. Instead be angry over this:
1.
Tyra is full of shit. I'm really pissed that she's forcing Danielle to close her gap.
I was really happy that Danielle repeatedly refused (sucka!) to tamper with what is totally her signature, which, in fact, hasn't gotten in the way of a picture yet (notice the virtually uniform praise she's gotten on just about each one of her shots?). If Cover Girl doesn't like it, fuck 'em!
And fuck Tyra, too, while we're at it. No, no, no, no, no, when it's really hell no, no, no, no, no. Never before has she been more deserving of being called "Tyrant." If she's going to force orthodontia on people, I suggest the same be done to her. Here, I'll start. Here's Tyra in some lovely headgear:
Oh, and as a preview of what'll happen if Danielle indeed does go through with the procedure to get rid of her gap:
It's not right, but it's ok.
2. Something else that pissed me off was the horribly sadistic exercise in the beginning of the episode featuring one Deprise Brescia spewing insults at all of the girls to test their emotional strength.
As much as I love seeing the contestants humiliated, this bitch crossed the border of Nastyland and set up camp in Cuntsville.
"I need to see your stomach, 'cause your stomach lookin' a little big here."
"And I see you got a nice little gap between your teeth, don't 'cha?"
"Wow. I gotta tell you, you anorexic in some of these shots."
"Your bottom lip is a lot fuller than your top one."
"Your ears are lookin' really big."
"Has anybody ever told you that you kinda photograph a little masculine?"
"You photograph really harsh...like a dude."
All of these statements have some degree of truth to them and not a stitch of suggestion on how to improve or at least hide the flaws. Sure, Deprise, you can say sorry all you want, but you know you loved it.
There are some jokes that you just can't retract because they contain too much truth. It'd be like saying:
Tyra, you put on quite a few pounds since your modeling heyday, huh?
Just kidding!
Nigel, any hotness you have left is utterly devoured by your leering molesty-ness.
Just kidding!
J., you are approximately as intelligible as Paula Abdul under water.
Just kidding!
Twiggy, you fucking suck!
Just kidding!
Deprise, you're looking a little old to be trying to make it in acting.
Just kidding!
3.
Jay shared with us a wonderful story about his childhood: "When I was a little kid, my sister used to get me in so much trouble 'cause I used to steal her dolls all the time. That's because when you look at dolls, they've got perfect hair." Brilliant. As intelligible as Paula Abdul near water.
(Which one is Jay?)
I can't wait till he writes his memoir. He should call it No Synapse on Duty.
4. And now for a very cosmic edition of:
- Jade's mom does energy work.
She "pulls energy through the universe through her hands."
(Is that Reiki?)
Imagine that!
- The apple doesn't fall far from the Bodhi tree. Jade is very spiritual.
Heaven and hell
Earth power, wind force
Make me listen
And my strength will be my source
Imagine that!
Cut to:
She really is that old. Imagine that!
- Jade has lines on her forehead.
Imagine that!
Imagine that!
This week's Imagine That! special guest is none other than the world's first (and oldest, Jade will have you know!) supermodel, Janice Dickinson, in her most useless appearance in the show's history.
Imagine that!
5. If only:
6. How sweet was it to see Nnenna and John together?
Reunited and it feels so...awkward.
They wouldn't exude the statement "Love is..." more if they were two naked eight-year-olds who are married.
I mean awwwwww:
7. Hot or not: Alexander Rankovic?
Actually, don't answer that, because I know you're going to be like, "OMG!!!! WITH A SPOON!!!" just like my bf was and I'm going to get even more of a complex and go increasingly crazy until the day that that Cross Crunch I ordered shows up on my doorstep. This show makes you feel really bad about yourself!
And, anyway, Marc Ecko is way hotter.
And mogul-er. Take that, Eastern Europe!
8. Here is Nicole doing "fun" and "crazy" at a photo shoot or fitting or some shit:
Book her for your next party now, while you still can.
9. This week's Joanie comic strip is titled, "Sometimes You Have To Go Through Pain To Be Ugly."
She's banging down the door of the Church of Annette (that link isn't really safe for work or your stomach).
But really, how great did Joanie look post-oral surgery?
Like Bruce the Shark meets Hilary Duff!
And also, Joanie is great, but Joanie high is greater.
The girl who needed the laughing gas got the laughing gas.
(And at this point, I'm thinking that Joanie's going to win, and that doesn't make me mad, at all.)
10. Finally, what is this?
Ew, don't be so gross. It's only accidentally pornographic. It is the return of Tyra's vagina arms!
Vag-arms '06! What!
I love you! Your reviews are what I look forward to the most.
Did anyone think ANTM was gonna take a very bizarre spin when Jade said her mom was a fluffer? This just makes me believe that she doesn't understand any words over 5 letters. Facade Fiasco anyone?
Nevertheless, whoever did Tyra's hair should be awarded a prize because she was looking pretty fly. Loved her fabric wrapped with a belt dress too!
Posted by: chachados | April 21, 2006 at 11:37 AM
I know I shouldn't but I felt a little bad for Nnenna's bf. Sure, he is a K-Fed clone and ultimately unbearable and possibly a psycho, but that reunion footage was cringe-inducing. He had that look, "Oh, my Nnenna, how much you obviously miss me! How much you love me!", and Nnnenna had that look, "Oh God, why couldn't they have invited my sis to be with me? Why did they invite this guy?!". All very obvious to everybody but John. The poor John has to learn how to read people's attitudes. And the poor Nnenna has to get a restraining order PRONTO!
Posted by: Just little me | April 21, 2006 at 11:43 AM
Rich muy excellente recap! I stopped eating for fear of choking. Lord! Danielle should close the gap a bit but also should insist on a cap. Madonna and Lauren both have one. ji-ji! Um...Rich the Euro-model has nothing on you, return the exercise toy immediately....cue the music.
"you can do sidebends or situps but please don't lose that chunk..."
Posted by: Coy | April 21, 2006 at 11:48 AM
Vagina arms? Did you make that up? Too funny. I can't stand Tyra. Maybe I should try to ignore her so I can watch the show. But your recaps are much more amusing.
Posted by: a. | April 21, 2006 at 11:50 AM
Hilarious. Hilarious.
Me, I'm thinking that the judges' referring to Brooke as lacking "intensity" is just a kind way of saying "dumb." I know she's young, but compared to, say, Sara, she's on an intellectual par with patio furniture.
Sara needs to get serious, but on this show a beautiful girl will never, ever win. Two words - Eva PIGford. Egad. But Sara's commercial, mitakes and all, was one of the only ones that actually LOOKED like a Covergirl commercial. But the judges wouldn't want that, becuase then the model would be too commercial for the commercial...whaaaaa??!
Nnenah is exquisite, and Danielle is as well; I thought her support of Joanie was really sweet. Jade, on the other hand...well, sumpin' tells me she's gonna be movin' into the trailer next door to washed-up pseudo-model/actress/fluffer Deprise on clamydia lane in cuntville. Man, what a broke-down drag queen she is.
Joanie, bless her heart, is just too average and too short and too old. Sigh.
Posted by: pphillihpp | April 21, 2006 at 11:59 AM
I must say, it was the Glycerine reference that broke me. I'm going to go dig that CD out of my basement and take it on back to 1994. Mmmm...1994 Gavin Rossdale...Also, did anyone else think Tyra looked like Pebbles (BamBam?)with that sackcloth for a "dress" and the big fake candy rocks (like they used to put on dinosaur cakes when we were kids) for a necklace? Where was the bone for her hair? Additionally, screw Tyra(nt) for that crap about the gap. What a beast.
Posted by: Iris | April 21, 2006 at 12:03 PM
JOANIE- I have now reached the point where if she DOESN'T win, I will run around for several weeks claiming, "I will never watch ANTM again!" (all the while knowing that this is a physical impossibility.) I love everything about Joanie from her attitude to her humor to GORGEOUS, EFFORTLESS PICTURES. Possibly the best ANTM girl they've ever had.
DANIELLE- I guess I'm in the minority here. I kind of agree with the panel that she should have the gap closed. Maybe not ALL the way but something does need to be done. The combination of her hick accent (don't throw stones, I love Danny) and the gap mouth doesn't make for a very classy or glamorous vision on camera.
FURONDA- I concede she takes beautiful pictures and has been improving, but if she wins I might actually run around screaming "I'll never watch ANTM again!" and mean it. She is not pleasant to look at on camera and she is waaaaaaay to eager to please.
JADE- I've never been so happy with Miss Tyra. This bitch is F-A-K-E, as we all know, and I don't think she has gay man's chance in Brokeback of winning the whole shebang. I can't wait to see her axed.
NNENNA- Its like...she's this enigma. She's absolutely gorgeous, and most of the time takes beautiful pictures, but I don't know if she's MODELING in them. You know? She definitely lacks a certain spark and creativity in front of the camera that Joanie, Danielle, and even Furugly possess.
SARA- I really like her, and I do think she's beautiful. But sometimes she bores me and at the end of the day, some of the other girls just have more to offer.
Posted by: RightO | April 21, 2006 at 12:07 PM
I love that Danielle is fine with her gap and refused to fix it, although Im sure it will come back to bite her in the ass as Tyra will be all "you could be a great model but with that gap you are just not commercial enough" Im sure Tyra is very aware of something called photoshop, Covergirl could easily fill in that gap if they wanted.
Posted by: brandy | April 21, 2006 at 12:17 PM
i'm with everyone else, the gap should stay. tyra, shut the fuck up with this nonsense. isn't she the bitch that's always taking about individuality, and transforming people's perceptions of beauty?
Posted by: Michael | April 21, 2006 at 12:19 PM
Don't you think it's going to come down to Joanie and Danielle?
Posted by: Charlie | April 21, 2006 at 12:22 PM
Isn't a little cruel that they filed almost all of Joanie's teeth down? Couldn't they just have removed the snaggletooth without ruining her natural teeth? Those veneers will have to be replaced, and she might not be able to pay for them by stripping.
Posted by: teri | April 21, 2006 at 12:28 PM
it will come down to joanie and someone else, and joanie will lose.
but don't get me started on mollie sue being booted in favor of jade....
Posted by: pphillihpp | April 21, 2006 at 12:34 PM
Agreed. Tyra's obsession with manipulating the girl's physical appearances has reached a new low previously bottomed out by her insistence on last season's Mia Farrow haircut.
Joanie's snaggletooth can be understood. Joanie was in favor of it, whatever.
But filling Furonda's gap is ridiculous. So stupid.
Anyways - Hopefully this Nnenna and her Oyfriend has finally come to an anticlimactic end. I was totally hoping the male model and Nnenna were going to get all oiled up on each other and the producers would SURPRISE! "invite" John to show up at the shoot.
But no such luck. I get the feeling they really didn't have much to broadcast this season - except Jade.
Posted by: Gayest Neil | April 21, 2006 at 12:34 PM
I also think it'll be Joanie and Danielle, unless Sara starts to really rock for no apparent reason.
What, no mockery of Jade's fake-ass whimpering at the judging panel? I loved that the judges called her out on that.
I was just starting to like her because of how she cried when her mom popped out of the present box (though I thought it would be male strippers--sorely disappointed there), when she went and did that slam poetry thing to the confessional camera. Thank you, Jade, for saving me from the horrible fate of actually thinking you're a human being.
I'm getting a little sick of all the product placement. "Payless Shoes are really hip!" "Pantene gives you perfect hair!" "The Twirler Twins Are Available For Birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs!" But I guess whatever it takes to keep this show on the air is all right with me. I just wish they'd be more subtle about it, instead of essentially forcing us to, for instance, watch 7 different iterations of a Cover Girl commercial, hello?
Posted by: Jude | April 21, 2006 at 12:40 PM
#1- Each season Nigel becomes hornier and thus, the girls become less safe.
#2- It's unfortunate that Twiggy didn't have a chance to get what I call "all old lady" on the girls. I believe last week she scored huge with "Klumping".
#3- It's completely ridic to force Danielle to close the gap. I was so proud of her for declining the offer. She looked so sad knowing she would have to give in. She should just shove a tic tac in there for the time being to please the Tyrant.
#4- Joanie is the sh*t!
#5- Jay liked dolls because they have perfect hair? WTF?
Posted by: Rain | April 21, 2006 at 12:53 PM
i know, i know, lauren hutton what??? jesus.
also, does anyone else feel like maybe (and i am super bad for thinking this) john sort of fetishizes nnenna and the concept of african women? it makes me want to fucking puke.
nice use of suckfish art, rich.
Posted by: marah | April 21, 2006 at 01:04 PM
Brilliant. Ahhh. My Friday is complete.
While I agree with everyone that Danielle should stick to her, uh, gums if she feels the gap is a part of her personality...the Photoshopped photo with it closed makes her look flawless. I have never been able to get past the gap, that mofo is HUGE.
Joanie is the Absolut Shit.
Posted by: raging indie | April 21, 2006 at 01:08 PM
"#5- Jay liked dolls because they have perfect hair? WTF?"
yeah, what a laaaaaaaaaame (and i don't mean the fabric) way to seque into product placement number #427.
Posted by: pphillihpp | April 21, 2006 at 01:10 PM
Rich, you got it all wrong this week. Brooke was absolutely stunning. She had the best body & those dark sad eyes just makes you want to comfort her. GO NIGEL!
Your comic strip sucked this week, as did your imagine that! I knew you would have you on OVERLOAD on the Tear Factor! Way to go ANTM for Stumping you dude.
Which one was JAY?? That was the best, though! I'd say the one in the bikini!
Posted by: GI JOE | April 21, 2006 at 01:12 PM
haha! vagina arms! I can make a vagina on my leg, in the knee area, but I have to work at it. I'm jealous that she has a "natural" limb vagina.
Posted by: Y | April 21, 2006 at 01:32 PM
The Mr Jay part was just pee-on-the-floor funny.
Joanie rox my sox. Love love love love her. And to believe at the beginning of the season I was thinking this season is gonna suck.
The judges calling Jade out on her fakeness was so awesome. Glad they tell it like it is.
My only problem ? Furonda IS taking good pictures and God is she ugly. I dont like the contradiction. This is supposed to be a simple brainless show. If we cant rely on looks to judge *models* then what is the world going to ? How much u bet they will suddenly forget how much she progressed and turn around and boot her coz she doesnt look like a model - which they've known for weeks obviously - in a few weeks ?
Posted by: doriangz | April 21, 2006 at 01:41 PM
btw, did anyone else hear that joanie used to be a stripper?
Posted by: pphillihpp | April 21, 2006 at 01:41 PM
Oh snap. I meant Danielle's gap!
Posted by: Gayest Neil | April 21, 2006 at 01:44 PM
I was sooooo happy that they called out Jade on her bullshit tears- that was the highlight of the show for me. And I thought Sarah looked really good in this one. My favs are still Joanie and Danielle-they MUST win! btw, i still miss Kari
Posted by: meg | April 21, 2006 at 01:45 PM
I don't know why, because I didn't laugh as hard last time, but this time I did some weird heavy quick breathing type laugh. My eyes are still watery.
And somehow you made the most heart wrenching part of the show (Joanie and her tooth) so funny.
I feel so cool. I've been reading these recaps (and even your blog unconditionally) since Kyle was eliminated last cycle and never commented. But this and the last episode's recaps were so funny I just had to comment.
Does this make me a stalker?
Posted by: baybeemagnet | April 21, 2006 at 01:45 PM