What I got

Five things that joined my world this weekend:

• Cross Crunch!

I wasn't kidding! Can you tell how much I love it? See how my embrace echoes that of one of the models on the box who undoubtedly doesn't use product he's posing with anyway? Thas love, thas love. Thas white-boy love. But for real, notice how the box has a white sticker slapped on the middle? My address and all relevant postal information are on that sticker because Cross Crunches are shipped in that very box, one that advertises exactly what's inside! I wasn't around during the first delivery attempt of this wonderful machine that I can't wait to not use, and so I had to retrieve it from the post office. Now the woman at the post office with a hairy upper lip (which one?) knows that I have body-image issues and that I'm the kind of schmuck who buys plastic exercise equipment off television. Thank you, Cross Crunch!

• A headache

Hard Candy's responsible for this one. It is quite possibly the most obnoxiously obvious message movie I've ever seen, although I feel bad for even calling it that. Message movies don't deserve such abuse. Instead of taking the issue of stautory rape and doing something bold or even different (like, for example, exploring whether the notion that someone can be sexually mature yet "underage" is a useful social construct or just a fanciful, futile attempt at protecting innocence), director David Slade and writer Brian Nelson deliver a cartoonish and P.C. P.S.A. that's about an hour and forty-two-and-a-half minutes too long. Anime-eyed Ellen Page (whose prominent features are enhanced above, just for the fun of it) rants and raves about dirty 32-year-old men with the finesse of a women's studies major at Stereotype U (she doesn't say, "The children! What about the children?!?!?!" but she does say, "The pedophiles!!!"). Also, newsflash: murder is bad! If I want to be screamed at in only the most predictable terms about the most obvious of subjects, I'll hang out in Union Square or the parking lot of an Ani DiFranco concert, thank you very much. Seriously: shove it in a thesis. Or, even better: shove it up your illegal ass. Something I read favorably compared this movie to Miike's Audition, and my memory's failing me, but whomever said that deserves to be numbed with ice and castrated or dismembered with a wire meat cutter. Or both. Another thing I can't remember is the last time I endured a piece of indietrash that enraged me this much. Oh wait.

• A timeless memento of Mario Lavandeira's celebrity

You've probably seen the video from which that audio clip is ripped. If not, it's here. But maybe you're better off just listening -- that way you don't have to look at him and still get the gist of his charm. Awwwww -- look at me looking out for you. I'm bringing the fame born in Perez Hilton's head to your ears. Aren't I generous?

• NKRU's "Seis Nueve"

Such pretty vinyl, such ugly music. When I was a freshman in high school, I thought this song was really daring, what being about mutual oral sex and all. They even play around with Spanish, translating "sixty-nine" as "seis nueve," not the less rhythmically sound but grammatically correct "sesenta y nueve" -- audacity all around! I still admire the couplet that goes, "I got it goin' on like popcorn / And when you see me, give me a pound and move on," since popcorn is pretty fucking awesome, but that's about all I like in this plodding and blurry new jack crap. I mean, it sounds like NKRU (which, as you can see above stands for Naughty Kreations R Unified, or as I'd put it: GO BACK TO MERRY-GO-ROUND) are barfing up the chorus. Girls, if you don't like it, don't do it! Ellen Page would like to speak with you. I hadn't heard "Seis Nueve" in about 10 years before I found the 12" this weekend. I'm glad to say that it no longer has the effect on me that it once did. I've grown so much...

...or maybe not at all, as the final thing I got this weekend was:

• A hickey

I'm sporting this shit proudly, though. Trashy is in this spring and from now on. Don't be jealous. Go out and get your own.

Comments

[Arthur James]

I dont know if I am more jealous about the Cross Crunch or the inflamed hickey! Arrgh...

Looks like I gotta get both.

CHAAAAAAALAHNGE!

:-)

[James]

Don't tell me not to be jealous.

peace

[Ambre]

Perez is a goober.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

as someone who purchased the Beurer SoftLight Laser from the shopping channel, i cannot mock your purchase. Oh, how i wish i could.
i will however, tell you to buy a decent razor.

[julianna]

omg, that's so funny. my man left me one last week RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of my neck - ain't no hidin' that shit. i got some flack from work and mom-dukes, but then i just decided to fuck it and blazed it proudly. fuck the haters - my man is smoking hot and sucks on me!

[brandy]

I love hickies! Almost as much as I love infomercial products, Im still pining for the Magic Bullet. Who doesnt want a kitchen appliance that has a name like a vibrator?
Can't wait to see the 6 pack you will have in just 30 days.

[David]

The inflamed hickey is hot; the inflamed sense of self displayed by Mario in that interview is not.

"When I am not the first to report a story or break a story, I'm like UGH!"

No. When you are not the first to report a story or break a story, you simply lie and say you are.

And no, Rich, no razor, no six pack. You're perfect just the way you are.

[elb]

Hickeys are the new black.

[elb]

So are pedophiles.

[judge jru]

I know this might be old news, but I'm still very upset that the following piece of reality tv trash was accidently deleted from my TiVo:

The Madonna edition of "VH1's Flab to Fab," featuring the one and only crazy Mario "Perez Hilton" Laundromat...BEFORE he was a "celebrity."

For pictures, click here.

Maybe someday...someone can order Perez a Cross Crunch of his very own.

[Y]

OMg1!!1! CROSS CRUNCH!

I sincerely hope that your "cross crunch" experience is totally awesome and does not at all suck like fitness infomercial product experience did.

[RightO]

That perez clip is disgusting. Go here http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?perez21&1

[Jude]

I threw up in my mouth a little after I watched that Perez clip.

[natalie]

god how fat is perez's head (no pun intended) ??
that shit must weigh 75 lbs.!!
if i saw him on the streets of nyc i would
throw some fruit as his fat ass !!

[natalie]

*at* his fat ass not as

[Y]

I just now watched that perez clip.

It was so educational!

I learned two things that will no doubt change my life forEVAH!

1. Paris Hilton is, like, really smart!
2. I should live my life as if I'm a celebrity, because, the ONLY thing that separates me from Paris Hilton and, let's say, Brad Pitt is that WAY more people know who they are and um, they probably have more money then me! But, other than that! WE ARE NO DIFFERENT!

God, I love The Internet.

[eliot]

so, if you haven't already, you must see happy endings. it's not a particularly good movie, nor is it bad. it's just an entertaining little movie.

more importantly, however, is jason ritter. you want chunk? you want jason ritter.

fineass, delicious chunk, my friend.

[Dionysus]

I love you RICH! I'm coming over so me, u, and the bf can have a threesome! It'll be like a reverse oreo cookie.

[mariaaaaa]

You are perfect and delicious as you are! Cross Crunch if you want, but don't go all crazy n'shit on us. I come to FourFour for the witty and insightful writing, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the manly eye candy! Sorry to get all pervy on you.

Avoid Hard Candy - check.
Get a hickey - do I have to? Not so crazy about them. Oh all right, if you insist.

P.S. I think its so lovely that you and the BF are still all romantical and teenagerish in your passion. You guys rock!

[Bill]

Hickey?

[mariaaaaa]

Oh yeah, one more thing, are NKRFGCUK, or whatever their name is, supposed to be Latinos? 'Cuz if so, they have some shameful accents and their mamas need to be reprimanded for not teaching them how to speak Spanish. Learning starts in the home people.

[Penny Woods]

Actually I found Perez's theories of Suri Cruise's name (on his site) more pathetic than the German TV clip.

It's a reminder that we bloggers can be just as pathetic as Mario if we blog about Janice Dickinson's bitchiness if we ever work at E! and get dooced without realizing what being dooced is.

[chad]

Whats up, I thought you embraced your chunk? Did your bf's ogling the blond model on ANTM last week strike a nerve? Youre hot as is.

[Coy]

I'm not so happy about the Cross Crunchy thingy, Rich. But, I'll support you, I mean after all, I bought the ABROLLER and guess what. My blue and orange plastic rolly thing with the coil actually worked! bwuahahaha!

Really, it did. Yet, I still love chunk.
It's it in me. canthelpit.

www.uoacf.com/albums/ album51/IMG_1400.sized.jpg

[Coy]

Oh wait, the hickey. That is the perfect accessorie for my white trash look. damn, I gotta get me one of those.