Notes From Above Ground 3-D

Sweet Jesus, you have answered my prayers.

You don't know how long I have waited for a Euro-house, impossibly fast cover of Heart's "Alone." Through DJ Sammy's manic and devastating revamp of Bryan Adams' "Heaven" to DHT's equally cataclysmic and frenetic "Listen to Your Heart" cover, it's been torture, sheer torture, hearing so many power ballads get the shiny, new-millennial treatment, while "Alone" is passed up again and again. It's chilled me to the bone. But now, but finally, there's Kim Sozzi's alternately blistering and down-to-earth (the clock is "tickin'," y'all!) take on it and my life is complete. I mean that, Jeez. Now, if you could arrange for a k-house version of "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You," I will give up penis forever. Pinky swear!

[edit: While I realize that my taste is extremely questionable, I have to admit that I'm insulted that more people didn't realize that what's written above is a total joke. I mean, really, you thought I was devastated by "Heaven?" Or that I found "Listen to Your Heart" cataclysmic? While I am oddly fascinated by these Euro covers, please believe that the pleasure that I get out of them is in the form of derision. I mean, it's sort of absurd that all you need to do to score a hit is put some screaming synths and fast stomp under an '80s favorite, right? So yeah, it's all exaggerated for laughs. Except the request for a k-house version of "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You." That I really would like to hear.]

And like I could ever give up penis with Lloyd Banks around, anyway.

The very mention of Lloyd Banks' name gets me all hot. I knew that gay-porn rumor wasn't true from the start, and yet Lloyd Banks and Ty Lattimore will forever be intertwined in my head (TyTy Banks!). I think of one, I think of the other. I hear Lloyd's name and sallivate over the chunk Lattimore's wisely put on (check him here, NSFW-style). There just are not enough Black boys who are as meaty as they are pretty. It's a virtually unrepresented type and good on Ty for getting in there. And while I don't exactly applaud his recent foray into all-bareback porn, hot is hot and...

See? I set out to talk about Lloyd and I get caught up talking about his porno doppelganger. If only Banks himself were exciting and unpredictable enough to do spit shine a head on video and look like he loves it. If only! The guy's a sheep. If I perk up at his name, I lose my hard-on when he opens his mouth and 50 comes tumbling out (no homo, silly, but even in the case of yes homo, I'd still lose my hard-on upon witnessing 50 Cent's, uh, tumble). He's not even adventurous to do a house track, even though he interpolates the Jungle Brothers' hip-house classic "I'll House You," throughout his new single "My House." His house? The shit's a shanty at best. Timbland (sic!), who, despite the odd flash of genius, lately seems intent on proving his inessentiality, gives Banks nothing very exciting (the tempo and stutter of "Get Ur Freak On" and that burpy "Pony" bass line) to suck on. This would have at least been notable in a novel way, had they grown the balls to do an actual house track, and not just reference one. Now it's just notable as a missed opportunity. Come on guys. Those of us waiting for the hip-house revival are fucking starving and all the meat on Ty Lattimore's bones isn't going to make a dent in our appetite.

Keeping with the gay, theme, I was all ready to rip on Oprah's Legends Ball special that aired earlier this week. However [small voice] I enjoyed it and [smaller voice] I found it moving. I don't know, maybe it's because I watched it in the morning, but somewhere in the middle I became…emotional. Yeah, I'm a faggot. I beat myself up so you don't have to.

Anyway, the special's best example of genuine comedy involved these two:

Contrast their reactions to the onset of Oprah's opulence:

Alicia: "You start looking around, and I'm seeing Cicely Tyson and I'm seeing Maya Angelou, and I've read their books and I've watched their movies and I've said, 'They are the epitome of strength in women,' and I felt proud when I watched it. And they were there."

Ashanti: "It was a little bit overwhelming to walk into that room 'cause you kinda just like felt the energy, like, 'Yo!'"

I love how their comments fall right into the (relative) highbrow/lowbrow boxes that they inhabit on the pop-music continuum, with learned and musically trained Alicia waxing wise and literate and the sampling stoop chick Ashanti struggling to get words out. One of these girls reads, and the other one can't, but neither deviates from the script. Nice work, ladies.

Meanwhile, Monica, who has nothing to do with Alicia Keys or Ashanti, come to think of it, is on the comeback trail with "Everytime the Beat Drops." It's slight, but that seems to be the point as Monica clearly is gunning for the First Lady of Snap 'n B title. I say, why not? Why not have someone who can actually sing, whose voice has actual character, carry the minimalistic sound du jour? Maybe I'm forgiving because I love this little lambchop so much. Seriously, if Monica announced that next up was her take on crackling and popping, I'd await the results eagerly.

Rounding out our look at junior divas (Oprah might call them young youngins) is my personal favorite, Keyshia Cole.

Keyshia Cole is such a firecracker that she doesn't even need to try to be funny. I had to bite my cheeks to keep from cracking up on the subway while reading her interview in XXL Hip-Hop Soul. The first thing Gregory Johnson asks her is about the considerable respect she's received in such a short time (you know you've made it when not even elder statesman Mary J. Hateraid can muster up something snide to say about your younger ass). How does it feel to Keyshia to be viewed as phenomenon? "I'm not gon' think I'm the most magnificent thing in the world," is her reply. It may be completely stupid of me, but I cannot get past the fact that she used the word "magnificent" without doubling over in hysterics. First of all, I can only imagine how her sassy tongue handled all those syllables (you best believe the "nif" was emphasized). Secondly, who says "magnificent"?! Has she been reading How To Boost Your Vocabulary: Overephasis Edition? And finally, I kinda feel bad that she doesn't think she's magnificent. Here, let me see what I can do to help that:

Because, really, when I think "magnificent," I think special horses. So, there, Keyshiacorn. I hope this allows you to feel like the magnificent thing you are.

And while it isn't really R&B and certainly not hip-hop, you'd be hard-pressed to find a current pop song that's better than Morgan Geist's new single, "Most of All," featuring Junior Boys' Jeremy Greenspan. It's this impossible combination of cool (thanks to Geist's behind-the-boards slickness) and emotionally charged (thanks to Greenspan, whose typically apathetic voice is so sincere here that it hurts). When I hear Geist's unabashedly influenced music, I hear lots of "what if"s. In under seven minutes, "Most of All" asks "What if New Order went all the way and gave into their Italo-disco affection?" and "What if boogie's influence on garage house could be mapped in a single track?" What I hear most, though, in its answers is an everlasting love of music. Emotions run high on this one, and it's hard to avoid being swept up along with them. Just don't tell radio that. It won't listen.

It's almost as emotional as "Alone!" Kidding, kidding (it was obvious that my praise of the Heart cover at the beginning of this post was a joke, right?). Kim's website claims that "Alone" is "sure to be a summer anthem." Be that as it may, there's nothing particularly bright or summery about it -- if it does become a hit (and I'm betting it will -- you can't fuck with that formula), time is just a circumstance. I've read people calling Rihanna's "S.O.S." is the summer jam, but that makes no sense, since it's already peaked in popularity. I tend to agree with Bill's predictions for summer sleepers, the Pharrell and Kanye collabo "Number One" (Bill's commentary on this one is spot-on -- it's totally a Michael Jackson song, and that's why it's great), and "Right Now" from Cee-Lo and Jack Splash's the Heart Attack project (I like this unashamed cheese better than anything on the Gnarls Barkley album). I think "Promiscuous" is the summer jam (I won't be surprised if it hits No. 1 within the next month), though I'm gunning for Field Mob and Ciara's "So What" to take the title, for sheer breeziness. It gets humid up in here!

Speaking of summer songs and since Memorial Day weekend is upon us, have you heard this yet this year? You know it isn't officially summer until you have. Welcome!

Comments

[Brandon]

That is one hot Photoshopped neck/chin/etc. on Kim Sozzi.

[mariaaaaa]

Yo!

[Hateraid]

Summer, Summer, Summertime.....**putting the shades on right now, singing**

And Keyshia Cole's song "LLLLL---OOOOOO---VVV---EEEEE" drives me bonkers. I'd rather listen to nails on a chalk board.

[Claire]

Never give up your penis. Especially since you're one of the few men writing on the web who seems to have one.

[mo]

Somewhere in the "crap that my ex downloaded" recesses of my cd's is a trollop-gallop supa-speed house version of Baracuda. It makes you throw up a little.

[Mike @ MAO]

You'll Give up penis forever??

I think you've been sniffing too much of Winston's CatNip honey!

[pphillihpp]

heart. rock and roll bitch goddesses. now and forever.

barra-CU-da!

[RockStar Mommy]

The gay porn rumor wasn't true? Damn it. I hate when that happens.

[Silver fox]

"That is one hot Photoshopped neck/chin/etc. on Kim Sozzi."

Seriously, what's up with that picture?

[pepper]

Were you tweaking when you wrote this, Rich? It's a bit...rapid.

[Michael]

Henceforth I'll be reading the WHOLE post before downloading everything you mention, sound unheard. Pop culture touchstone, remember? Toss me a winking emoticon next time will ya? Or at least a sarcastic font, fer chrissake.

[Spiffy]

Um, I just checked, Ann and Nancy Wilson are alive and well, so obviously Ann is not spinning in her grave, yet. Why won't someone just approach Heart and do a house-y "Alone '06"? Or remix the original version; or even just sample it, dammit -- I am so sick of these second rate singers cranking out these bad covers! (With one possible exception: DJ Miko's version of "What's Up" -- though I was super disappointed when I found out the vocal was not really Linda Perry -- close enough for me not to hate it!)

[jessica]

interesting commentary on alicia keys v. ashanti- alicia keys was raised in "hardscrabble" hell's kitchen, where you have to fight for an adequate public education, and ashanti douglas was brought up in super affluent great neck. it just goes to show you that it doesn't matter what kind of educational advantages you'born into- vapid mall chick-ism comes from within.

[jessica]

oh, and haha, greg johnson. illustrious morehouse alum.

[Mara]

um, that lloyd banks lookalike looks nothing like him; the ty guy is somewhat attractive. lloyd banks looks like a gorilla, i always thought that g-unit was appropriately named...

lol at the a.keys/ashanti comparison...why is ashanti famous again?? i keep forgeting. and keisha keeps it a bit too "real" for my taste...love that love song tho :P

[Hey!]

No Al Alberts' "On the Way to Cape May"? And you say you're from South Jersey.

[Foxy]

I was listening to "Summertime" yesterday and had to force myself not to run into the city to get a cheesesteak and a Slurpee.

Summer is here y'all. Dirty South Jerz style.

[Saun]

Rich, this is why I love you. I read this entire post, and I had some comments, but it was the end that got me. "Summertime". I tell everyone that my summer hasn't officially started until I hear it and you have just kicked off my summer. I heart you so much.

[ezra]

Dude there is no need to excuse your love of trance-lite covers! I was very dissapointed to see that "edit". I think we live in a world now where you can enjoy something for whatever very complex reason you want. I think that all taste is now entirely ironic and sincere simultaneously, and that that little emotional rush you get from Dj Sammy should not be trivialized. That said, I love you forever.

[Rich]

But I really, really don't love them. They amuse me, sure, but the entire first paragraph was meant as satire to point out their ridiculousness. I failed!

I mean, clearly, I don't feel bad about anything that I love, and you know I love me some garbage. Euro '80s covers do not ignite the flames of passion the way, say, Mariah or hip-house can.

Believe me, I remain committed to being unapologetic. Being misunderstood is a different thing all together.

[Michael]

I understood all too well. Only sadly, too late. And to think I siphoned that $.99 from my Soup For the Po' Chillins Fund.

[Foxy]

PS - Didn't I demand that you wax Fouretic on that Lumidee song? I will not be ignored.

[Greg]

Don't forget the Judy Torres retread of Journey's "Faithfully"!! Available both in mildly annoying "dance remix" and truly horrific "Candlelight version"!

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