The clump stops here

Care to revisit that magical moment once again?

This probably wouldn't surprise most, but it surprised me: I spent most of Thursday elated over this. I didn't know I cared that much! Now I know how it is to feel when your favorite sports team wins. I took the gayest route to get there, mind you, but I'm there all the same. Yeeee!

I mean, how satisfying was that? She's a CoverGirl, Mommy! And, as though this whole thing couldn't tug at the heartstrings more, Danielle has revealed that she's going to buy her undoubtedly awesome mother a car. Yeee squared!

Danielle winning was such a great shock. And to think, while watching the episode I was all ready to prepare a post that said something like, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your Top Model:"

I'm so glad that I didn't have to go there!

No disrespect to Joanie, though. She was a worthy competitor, and it would have been fine and even made sense if she won. She is awesome. Even in defeat, the girl is the picture of grace (but not Kelly). But if you ask me, Joanie was missing one key element. Let's turn to the last (sniffle!) installment of the crying count for a clue on what she lacks.

63. Danielle

64. Danielle

65. Danielle

Are you beginning to spot a trend?

66. Danielle

67. Joanie

I loved that Joanie's reason for crying was that the competition was coming to an end. Awwww. I know how she feels!

67. NOT TYRA

Are her tear ducts her in her ass? Is she not just talking, but also crying shit? Despite her claims of being "a little teary-eyed," she is not. THIS DOES NOT COUNT.

68. Danielle

It's interesting (maybe only to me) that despite seeming a lot drier than last cycle, this one was within striking distance -- last year's final tally topped 72. Thanks go out to Danielle for pulling more than her load during these past few episodes. Now, I'm not gonna scream about causality, but I think the positive correlation is enough. You cry, you win. Sorry, JoJo.

Persevering through sprained toes and dehydration woes also helps, no doubt.

Oh, that Tyra! Our final Tyraism of the week is maybe the, as ANTM promos or Tyra herself might say, most. controversial. ever. At least it is to hear Slate tell it (thanks rebelde01). But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I like when Tyra does funny voices. Call me simple! She goes through four in the course of this 30 second diatribe. Bitch is crazy!

It inspires me, actors, actresses inspire me, as well as you, Tyra.

Listen here!

"(On the CoverGirl commercial) I have to say, Danielle, I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. (A piano begins to sob softly in the background) I don't know what to tell you, you know, because, where we come from and the neighborhood that we come from, it's ingrained in us, you know? But you have to know how to leave it behind and turn it on for television. I'm not saying to say...

...'CoverGirl Lash Exact is soooooo nice!' You could still use soul. You could still say...

...'An' it won' clump.' You know, you can still do that. But it's not...

...'But it won' cluhm!' You understand the difference?"

First of all, Tyra's from Arkansas? Second of all, "saying to say." Third of all, if that's her definition of "soul," she Tyra just confirmed to a nation of gay boys that they are the diva royalty they always imagined.

For real, I realize that this is messy, especially for its racial implications, but I really liked Rell's take on it in the comments of Wednesday's post-finale post.

"I don't think that Tyra was hating on Danielle's accent. I think that it was her way of preparing her for what she may face in her career. Tyra has more than likely heard some of these same types of things in her career as a black woman."

Makes sense to me that she'd be giving Danielle "tough love" via the "reality" of the situation, kinda like how "plus-sized" in fashionspeak means "normal" in English. But most importantly, the above stills strung together illustrate what Tyra's really saying:

Blah blah blah!

For the final Jwatch, I give you this:

It's the part he was born to play. Raise your hand if you're going to miss Miss J.

1. You may have noticed in the Tyraism shots that our fearless leader appears to be in some sort of an edible casing.

Like a colonial sausage (but look, ma, no vagina arms!).

And check out what she rocked during the episode's final segment...

...Thai Thai Baby, for real!

My point is that finale wardrobe tomfoolery is the de facto rule on ANTM. It's like when Furonda excused her disco dress by saying, "We're in Thailand and it's a celebration." Almost every finale is like being in Thailand for Tyra. Here is a brief history of the finale fug:

Cycle 1, first elimination

Cycle 1, second elimination

Cycle 2, first elimination

Cycle 2, second elimination

(Sorry for the low quality on the Cycle 2 shots -- it's the only cycle I don't have in its entirety, so if anyone wants to hook me up, put it on me! Otherwise, it's YouTube for now, and maybe forever!)

Cycle 3, first elimination

Cycle 3, second elimination

Cycle 4, first elimination

Cycle 4, second elimination

Cycle 5, first elimination

Cycle 5, second elimination

As you can see, there are ups and downs, and usually in that order. Why Tyra feels the need to devolve so drastically between the first and second eliminations is perhaps more mystifying than the logic she exhibits during said rounds. And she's only getting worse. I mean, that Cinnabon 'do was the cream cheese icing on this piping hot mess.

2. Sigh. I'm so sad that this is the last . . .

What am I going to do without her knowledgeability?

• First and foremost is another classic...

(Sorry about the audio synching -- it's YouTube's fault, not mine!)

Can I tell you how much I love, "this little mascara?" It went "wee-tion-if-ibly" all the way home. Snapping the whole time, I bet.

Many have wondered if the fact that Jade still flubbed after cue cards were brought out signals illiteracy. I say, not likely. I think she's just high. Always.

Imagine that!

• Jade is a soul survivor.

She is a trouper along the lines of Young Jeezy and Akon. This is my tribute to her staunch character. A soul survivor, imagine that!

• "I think acting is an amazing talent to withhold."

Her misue of words never gets old. Imagine that!

• If all else fails, I think she should set up a table and hit different East Village spots, selling her poetry. I'd buy this for a dollar:

"Leftover Lady"

Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued.
If I only had the magic key
that would unlock the realms to
the plateau of the highest me.
Even though I've been badly bruised
livin' in a house to become a popular muse.

Ah, the grace of a Rhythm Nation 1814 interlude. Alternately: HIGH.

I like to think of this as an unofficial to Throbbing Gristle's "Hamburger Lady," and I look forward to its follow-up, "Hamburger Helper Lady." I think Jade would look hot with a white glove over her face.

Imagine that (and watch the video of Jade delivering these special words at PopMuse)!

• Jade showed the judges exactly what they'd be missing upon her elimination.

Tyra reacted accordingly.

Imagine that!

• But the best part of Jade's elimination was the fireworks display that followed.

A celebration! Imagine that!

• Jademania is sweeping the nation. Or at least this show...

Mr. Jay: "That's a characerature of Joanie!"

Miss J: I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous. Just exquirgid. Ex..."

To be fair, neither were exactly Bankston Hugheses in the first place. But imagine if they were!

• "This face will be hard to forget. Jade will be hard to forget."

I don't have to imagine that because it's true. Despite (or, more accurately, because of) how much I mocked her, the entertainment Jade provided during this cycle is worth more than all the baht in Thailand. For that, she has my undying love. To beat the deadical horse of wordplay one last time: Jade, I salutificate you. Mwah!

3. What was up with Roj Singhakul's (translated) comments on the girls' commercials?

"Roj said you have a really beautiful smile, but he doesn't want to buy your mascara, basically."

But he would if Jade had done better? What a homo!

"Roj thinks he would buy whatever she sells..."

I bet he wishes Danielle were hawking tampons.

4. Shouldn't this lady be placing the flowers meticulously?

5. Did you notice how not competitive Joanie and Danielle were at the end? I think for that we lost some runway-show fierceness.

The head in the way during Joanie's first major pose, of course, didn't help.

I thought they were gonna start throwing shoulders, but they smoothly avoided body contact. Damn it!

Their ebony and ivory thing was cute, especially during this psychological game of cat and mouse.

Joanie: I'm getting called first a lot. Is that good? Does that mean, like...

Danielle: (channeling Tyra)...like you were the best out of the bunch.

Joanie: I just hope I win. Sorry!

Danielle: What, sucka? Do you wanna get stabbed with this spoon? In yo jugular?

Joanie: In my jug-u-luh.

Adorable. So was their mock reverential treatment of the second-to-last Tyra Mail:

Like I told Twiggy and J last week: take it on the road. But please don't sing!

Or dance.

6. Did you all groan when the show went to commercial before Tyra could reveal the Top 2?

Suckas! They do that every finale episode!

7. I loved the trip-through-time that this episode offered.

It reminded me of the exact moment when I fell madly in love with Danielle:

BEST. ANTM. PHOTO. EVER.

It reminded me of the weird noise Joanie's snaggle tooth used to make.

Thank god she got that tusk removed!

It taught me that Jade loves, uh, riding skateboards with dogs...

...and that good DNA runs in Joanie's family for more than just her generation...

Preach to me, sexy dad.

Also, as though we couldn't love her (or her mom!) more:

And, my favorite:

Can you imagine that child's sass? Sorry, I mean soul.

8. Ah, Nicole.

"Right now, my hopes and dreams are just to be a great CoverGirl and definitely just work towards my goals of being a successful model."

So, Nicole's hopes and dreams involve working toward her goals. That says everything, doesn't it?

I'd say, "Bye, forever!" but I'm sure I'll see her on Tyra's couch. A lot.

9. Haha! Tyra's hair was messed up...

...and then she fixed it. Haha!

10. And that's it. Wow. I feel like I should thank everyone for reading my nonsense and sharing the awesome experience that is ANTM (I mean, really, six cycles in and I'm not seeing even a slight dip in entertainment quality -- ANTM FOREVER!!!). But fuck thanking you! I bleed for you hoes. Thank me!

Kidding. For real, it's been awesome. I think next week, I may to a final, video post of my Top 10 moments of the cycle, but I don't know. Maybe that'd be redundant? Honestly, I don't even know if I'll be awake at all next week. This cycle kicked my ass. Papa needs some sleep.

Awwww. ANTM's leaving us.

I'll be crying for 125 odd days till its return. (You know, sometimes I feel like I'm writing one of those pictograph stories for Highlights, in which little icons replaced hard-to-read words. But then, the tag of that magazine was "Fun with a purpose," and I'm not trying to be all high-brow like that.)

Thanks suckas!

Comments

[moss]

THANK YOU RICH YOU ROCK

[LvH]

Not just one but ALL the photos of little Danielle? You are aces, Rich. Check out how the bib in photo #2 reads "I love my Mommy." Thank you so, so much, Rich. Danielle is truly special and the fact that this sweet and beautiful girl won ANTM made my heart burst all Thursday too.

Thanks also for "Leftover Lady." What can I say, I think it’s a very poignantistic poem and Jade’s kookificness is very loveable.

Bye, Nicole! Don’t let the door hjt your boring ass on the way out.

[Desmon]

Thanks for the ANTM Cycle 6 recaps, Rich! I know you put in a crazy amount of time for them and I thank you for it! I don't know what I'll do with my Fridays now either. :( I'm extremely happy for Danielle. I'm sure I'll see the some of the other girls in the near future, "working towards their goals". I'll probably see Jade at an open-mic night, reciting "Leftover Lady" and snapping her fingers or some shit. I'm looking forward to seeing Danielle's "My Life as a CoverGirl" segments for the next cycle instead of Nicole Stinkletter's ass! *sigh* With all that said, curl up with Winston and get some sleep! :)

[nOva]

I think I can wait a little longer for the next cycle. I seriously feel drained by the past 2. I think I put too much emotional currency into this show and these re-caps.

You're like, the Joanie to my Danielle, Rich. See how we compliment each other? But in this reality, you won. Jerk. :-)

P.S. I have a treat for you on Monday. It's already in my MT queue, so be on the lookout.

[Arthur James]

BEST. ANTM. RECAP. EVER.

[suckaaa]

Canada's Next Top Model anyone? :)

[istolethetv!]

when she couldn't read the cue-cards, my bf and i came to the conclusion that jade is the new jerri blank:

mr. j: jade, what does m-a-s-c-a-r-a spell?

jade: ...fabulous? co-cover girl? cover girl!

in other news, i'm totes bummed that there will be no more antm recaps any time soon. they were absolutely the highlight of my fridays.

[Josh]

Thanks so much for all the recaps, Rich. Can't wait for the next cycle! :)

[Phoenix Rising]

"Why was it horrible that Nicole won because she was white, but awesome that "a brown girl finally won" (by "finally" I assume y'all mean "since two cycles ago")? Oh, that's right, the predictable race politics of the comments section."

i guess you'd have to be a brown-skinned girl to understand.

anyway...yaaayyyyy danielle, you fabulous brown girl you!!

rich: thanks for all your hard work and absolutely fabulous recaps. everytime i read you, i wish you were either straight or i was a gay man! love ya!

[Talix]

No - thank you, sucka. Seriously, your recaps of the last cycle are the reason I started watching this one. Imagine that!

Now's when's B3 start??!!?

[Quel]

Thanks!

Awesome recap as always.

FYI, I have to turn my accent off and on every day. I'm black and country, but I went to a majority white private University and work with all white folks. It's just easier to speak the way they do...to avoid having to repeat yourself or being perceived as less intelligent.

Every single day, I look forward to talking to my black frineds/family during my ride home after work...to relax completely and be my whole, real self.

it's tiring, but it's my reality.

[kristine]

Thank you for taking the time to do this. I am going to miss ANTM and these posts so much. Canada is getting it's own Next Top Model (CNTM series 1 - starts on May 31). I wish you could critque that one as well. But we aint got no Tyra.

[FridaB]

Beautifull, I have been a devoted reader for way to long all the way from Iceland and I think it is about time to say thank you. So here goes: Thank you!!
Joanies tooth noise made me have a fit and does any one else think that Jade is Dyslexic, for real the new words, the not knowing she was skipping words in the comercial, the not being able to spell or recognize words................
Love you and will keep visiting and waiting for the next season of ANTM. Your posts truly have been the highlight of this seasons ANTM experience.

[B's Always Lurkin']

Rich, I love you, even though I don't actually know you. THANK YOU so much for another EXCELLENT season of ANTM recaps! I can't wait until next season. I truly appreciate all of the hard work you put into these posts...sucka

[imsosad]

I was sooooooooooooooooo happpyyy yesterday and the night b4 and still am!! Is it me or does everyone just start smiling anytime u see a picture of Danielle?

I'm so happy Ty-Ty FINAAAAAALLY got it right!

But alas, i am so sad i dont get my weekly fourfour recap :(

One last thing - Rich - have you never noticed that the cycles (minus 2) have all been easily race-trackable. adrienne - white, yoanna- white, eva- black, naima- mix, nicole - white, danielle - black. She totally deserved it, but just that pattern you could tell it was Danielle from the final 4. It HAD to be a colored girl.

[Gebbs]

Thank you for making ANTM that much better for me! Look forward to next season!!

[Lisa]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Rich! This cycle has been twice as good for me reading your recaps every week. I love you! MWAAH Sucka!

[erika]

Thank you for the fabulous recaps! I look forward to them all week. You, quite simply, rock. I used to write brief recaps of the shows but you were so much more funny about it. I love the animations and the video and the sound clips. And I'm ecstatic-ified that Danielle won!

[duane]

I am SOOOOOO Happy Danielle won! They stole Nik from us, but not Danielle! Can't wait till next season, and your wonderful recaps, Rich! THanks for your hard work!

[Jamie]

Canada's Next Top Model is on its way on May 31st. It won't be the same without Tyra, but Ylenia looks like the new Jade and Heather is stunning once they cut her hair. For our American and international friends, here's a link to CNTM's website:
http://www.citytv.com/cntm/

[Rich]

I'm in a haze and I know this is stupid, but Canada's Next Top Model is only airing in Canada, right?

[houstongurl]

THANK YOU!!!!! I'll continue to read your post but I will miss the ANTM recaps. You have a great personality! And you're cute, too! To bad I'm a female, but I luv ya anyway. Thanks SUCKA!

[Mary]

hey y'all.. i mean hello there.. did you know that us folk up in Canada get to start a new (and first) season of Canada's Next Top Model next week!! not that i'm saying that it's going to top ANTM.. but at least it's something for us die hards.. plus Mr. Jay makes a few guest appearences ...

[brooklynchick]

What will I have to read on a Friday Morning at work now??? :(

I loved it and Thank You! We are going to get you a show on the "CW" channel next season. You need to come on right after ANTM!!

MUWAH!! Brooklyn loves you!!!!!

[Charlie]

Fun with a purpose = Highlights magazine. GO YOU!

Seriously, though, Joanie's snaggletooth noise made me burst out laughing here in my office, and then I fell out of my chair, and then I twisted something, and so now I'm suing you.