The clump stops here

Care to revisit that magical moment once again?

This probably wouldn't surprise most, but it surprised me: I spent most of Thursday elated over this. I didn't know I cared that much! Now I know how it is to feel when your favorite sports team wins. I took the gayest route to get there, mind you, but I'm there all the same. Yeeee!

I mean, how satisfying was that? She's a CoverGirl, Mommy! And, as though this whole thing couldn't tug at the heartstrings more, Danielle has revealed that she's going to buy her undoubtedly awesome mother a car. Yeee squared!

Danielle winning was such a great shock. And to think, while watching the episode I was all ready to prepare a post that said something like, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your Top Model:"

I'm so glad that I didn't have to go there!

No disrespect to Joanie, though. She was a worthy competitor, and it would have been fine and even made sense if she won. She is awesome. Even in defeat, the girl is the picture of grace (but not Kelly). But if you ask me, Joanie was missing one key element. Let's turn to the last (sniffle!) installment of the crying count for a clue on what she lacks.

63. Danielle

64. Danielle

65. Danielle

Are you beginning to spot a trend?

66. Danielle

67. Joanie

I loved that Joanie's reason for crying was that the competition was coming to an end. Awwww. I know how she feels!

67. NOT TYRA

Are her tear ducts her in her ass? Is she not just talking, but also crying shit? Despite her claims of being "a little teary-eyed," she is not. THIS DOES NOT COUNT.

68. Danielle

It's interesting (maybe only to me) that despite seeming a lot drier than last cycle, this one was within striking distance -- last year's final tally topped 72. Thanks go out to Danielle for pulling more than her load during these past few episodes. Now, I'm not gonna scream about causality, but I think the positive correlation is enough. You cry, you win. Sorry, JoJo.

Persevering through sprained toes and dehydration woes also helps, no doubt.

Oh, that Tyra! Our final Tyraism of the week is maybe the, as ANTM promos or Tyra herself might say, most. controversial. ever. At least it is to hear Slate tell it (thanks rebelde01). But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I like when Tyra does funny voices. Call me simple! She goes through four in the course of this 30 second diatribe. Bitch is crazy!

It inspires me, actors, actresses inspire me, as well as you, Tyra.

Listen here!

"(On the CoverGirl commercial) I have to say, Danielle, I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. (A piano begins to sob softly in the background) I don't know what to tell you, you know, because, where we come from and the neighborhood that we come from, it's ingrained in us, you know? But you have to know how to leave it behind and turn it on for television. I'm not saying to say...

...'CoverGirl Lash Exact is soooooo nice!' You could still use soul. You could still say...

...'An' it won' clump.' You know, you can still do that. But it's not...

...'But it won' cluhm!' You understand the difference?"

First of all, Tyra's from Arkansas? Second of all, "saying to say." Third of all, if that's her definition of "soul," she Tyra just confirmed to a nation of gay boys that they are the diva royalty they always imagined.

For real, I realize that this is messy, especially for its racial implications, but I really liked Rell's take on it in the comments of Wednesday's post-finale post.

"I don't think that Tyra was hating on Danielle's accent. I think that it was her way of preparing her for what she may face in her career. Tyra has more than likely heard some of these same types of things in her career as a black woman."

Makes sense to me that she'd be giving Danielle "tough love" via the "reality" of the situation, kinda like how "plus-sized" in fashionspeak means "normal" in English. But most importantly, the above stills strung together illustrate what Tyra's really saying:

Blah blah blah!

For the final Jwatch, I give you this:

It's the part he was born to play. Raise your hand if you're going to miss Miss J.

1. You may have noticed in the Tyraism shots that our fearless leader appears to be in some sort of an edible casing.

Like a colonial sausage (but look, ma, no vagina arms!).

And check out what she rocked during the episode's final segment...

...Thai Thai Baby, for real!

My point is that finale wardrobe tomfoolery is the de facto rule on ANTM. It's like when Furonda excused her disco dress by saying, "We're in Thailand and it's a celebration." Almost every finale is like being in Thailand for Tyra. Here is a brief history of the finale fug:

Cycle 1, first elimination

Cycle 1, second elimination

Cycle 2, first elimination

Cycle 2, second elimination

(Sorry for the low quality on the Cycle 2 shots -- it's the only cycle I don't have in its entirety, so if anyone wants to hook me up, put it on me! Otherwise, it's YouTube for now, and maybe forever!)

Cycle 3, first elimination

Cycle 3, second elimination

Cycle 4, first elimination

Cycle 4, second elimination

Cycle 5, first elimination

Cycle 5, second elimination

As you can see, there are ups and downs, and usually in that order. Why Tyra feels the need to devolve so drastically between the first and second eliminations is perhaps more mystifying than the logic she exhibits during said rounds. And she's only getting worse. I mean, that Cinnabon 'do was the cream cheese icing on this piping hot mess.

2. Sigh. I'm so sad that this is the last . . .

What am I going to do without her knowledgeability?

• First and foremost is another classic...

(Sorry about the audio synching -- it's YouTube's fault, not mine!)

Can I tell you how much I love, "this little mascara?" It went "wee-tion-if-ibly" all the way home. Snapping the whole time, I bet.

Many have wondered if the fact that Jade still flubbed after cue cards were brought out signals illiteracy. I say, not likely. I think she's just high. Always.

Imagine that!

• Jade is a soul survivor.

She is a trouper along the lines of Young Jeezy and Akon. This is my tribute to her staunch character. A soul survivor, imagine that!

• "I think acting is an amazing talent to withhold."

Her misue of words never gets old. Imagine that!

• If all else fails, I think she should set up a table and hit different East Village spots, selling her poetry. I'd buy this for a dollar:

"Leftover Lady"

Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued.
If I only had the magic key
that would unlock the realms to
the plateau of the highest me.
Even though I've been badly bruised
livin' in a house to become a popular muse.

Ah, the grace of a Rhythm Nation 1814 interlude. Alternately: HIGH.

I like to think of this as an unofficial to Throbbing Gristle's "Hamburger Lady," and I look forward to its follow-up, "Hamburger Helper Lady." I think Jade would look hot with a white glove over her face.

Imagine that (and watch the video of Jade delivering these special words at PopMuse)!

• Jade showed the judges exactly what they'd be missing upon her elimination.

Tyra reacted accordingly.

Imagine that!

• But the best part of Jade's elimination was the fireworks display that followed.

A celebration! Imagine that!

• Jademania is sweeping the nation. Or at least this show...

Mr. Jay: "That's a characerature of Joanie!"

Miss J: I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous. Just exquirgid. Ex..."

To be fair, neither were exactly Bankston Hugheses in the first place. But imagine if they were!

• "This face will be hard to forget. Jade will be hard to forget."

I don't have to imagine that because it's true. Despite (or, more accurately, because of) how much I mocked her, the entertainment Jade provided during this cycle is worth more than all the baht in Thailand. For that, she has my undying love. To beat the deadical horse of wordplay one last time: Jade, I salutificate you. Mwah!

3. What was up with Roj Singhakul's (translated) comments on the girls' commercials?

"Roj said you have a really beautiful smile, but he doesn't want to buy your mascara, basically."

But he would if Jade had done better? What a homo!

"Roj thinks he would buy whatever she sells..."

I bet he wishes Danielle were hawking tampons.

4. Shouldn't this lady be placing the flowers meticulously?

5. Did you notice how not competitive Joanie and Danielle were at the end? I think for that we lost some runway-show fierceness.

The head in the way during Joanie's first major pose, of course, didn't help.

I thought they were gonna start throwing shoulders, but they smoothly avoided body contact. Damn it!

Their ebony and ivory thing was cute, especially during this psychological game of cat and mouse.

Joanie: I'm getting called first a lot. Is that good? Does that mean, like...

Danielle: (channeling Tyra)...like you were the best out of the bunch.

Joanie: I just hope I win. Sorry!

Danielle: What, sucka? Do you wanna get stabbed with this spoon? In yo jugular?

Joanie: In my jug-u-luh.

Adorable. So was their mock reverential treatment of the second-to-last Tyra Mail:

Like I told Twiggy and J last week: take it on the road. But please don't sing!

Or dance.

6. Did you all groan when the show went to commercial before Tyra could reveal the Top 2?

Suckas! They do that every finale episode!

7. I loved the trip-through-time that this episode offered.

It reminded me of the exact moment when I fell madly in love with Danielle:

BEST. ANTM. PHOTO. EVER.

It reminded me of the weird noise Joanie's snaggle tooth used to make.

Thank god she got that tusk removed!

It taught me that Jade loves, uh, riding skateboards with dogs...

...and that good DNA runs in Joanie's family for more than just her generation...

Preach to me, sexy dad.

Also, as though we couldn't love her (or her mom!) more:

And, my favorite:

Can you imagine that child's sass? Sorry, I mean soul.

8. Ah, Nicole.

"Right now, my hopes and dreams are just to be a great CoverGirl and definitely just work towards my goals of being a successful model."

So, Nicole's hopes and dreams involve working toward her goals. That says everything, doesn't it?

I'd say, "Bye, forever!" but I'm sure I'll see her on Tyra's couch. A lot.

9. Haha! Tyra's hair was messed up...

...and then she fixed it. Haha!

10. And that's it. Wow. I feel like I should thank everyone for reading my nonsense and sharing the awesome experience that is ANTM (I mean, really, six cycles in and I'm not seeing even a slight dip in entertainment quality -- ANTM FOREVER!!!). But fuck thanking you! I bleed for you hoes. Thank me!

Kidding. For real, it's been awesome. I think next week, I may to a final, video post of my Top 10 moments of the cycle, but I don't know. Maybe that'd be redundant? Honestly, I don't even know if I'll be awake at all next week. This cycle kicked my ass. Papa needs some sleep.

Awwww. ANTM's leaving us.

I'll be crying for 125 odd days till its return. (You know, sometimes I feel like I'm writing one of those pictograph stories for Highlights, in which little icons replaced hard-to-read words. But then, the tag of that magazine was "Fun with a purpose," and I'm not trying to be all high-brow like that.)

Thanks suckas!

Comments

[T]

Thanks for all the great recaps! So much fun, better then the actual show by far.
I'm looking forward to the next cycle.

[kdub]

I think I remember something about a contest with a chance to meet the new ANTM winner - anyone else hear that soundbite? It would be nice to meet Danielle. Although at this point I think it would be even more of a hoot to meet the Leftover Lady herself! I hope she swatched herself on television and said, 'I gotta call a therapist and a reading coach, pronto-like!'

[kdub]

Oh, and Rich? THANKS! Although you ruined the final episode for me. Bastard.

[Meghan]

I'm so bummed I missed the finale! Does anybody know if they're going to re-air it on tuesday?

yay danielle!

[Lauren]

I really hope Danielle can overcome the curse of being one season's winner, next season's weekly reminder of how Cover Girl sends top models through a soul-deadening vortex and spits them out in 30-second ad spots for foundation and lip gloss.

[Vicki]

Thank you Rich!!!

I was doubly happy Danielle won just because I knew it'd make your day!

[Greg]

May Danielle take inspiration from Dolly Parton and NEVER lose her Southern twang and vocal inflections, and if anything kick it all up a few notches once she gets going.

[SnapDragon]

I worship at the temple of Jade. Her sacred proportionability has given my life needed expanse.

I'm breathless with anticipativeness for the next cycle!

[Jess]

We won't talk about the number of times I checked here today to see if the ANTM post was up. It's an obscene number, suffice to say.

But, really, THANKS for all the hard work. You made watching ANTM all that more rewarding.

Awwww....now everybody hug.

[casiobeat]

okay - not only was i happy because danielle is an awesome person, but i won $500 because of her! she had 25/1 odds on bodog.com. i put down $20.

thank you danielle for allowing me to pay my rent this month.

[kashmunny]

happy birthday to ME, i say - what better present could there be than the recap of the ANTM finale, complete with a reading of "leftover lady" (i missed the title when she recited it, but MAN do i love it!)

i definitely thank you for your efforts and marvel at your technological/visually-artistic prowess and wit.

with (fish)-baited breath i a-weight the next servitude of not america's next top best frien'!

ps - perhaps someone will be kind enough to upload CNTM as it airs. i feel blessed to have easy access to it. ("thank you for believing in me!")

[DeeYou]

thanks for the recaps Rich!!

Oh and..
"What, sucka? Do you wanna get stabbed with this spoon? In yo jugular?"

Danielle the bandit.

best.quote.ever.

[rebelde01]

Such wonderful, "exquirgid" recaps this season. It's been totally fun and I really do appreciate how much time and effort you put into these. One of the best things about my Fridays during ANTM season. Keep on truckin' and THANK YOU, Rich! Can't wait for B3 to start!

(And I was all kinds of happy to be acknowledged in your recap. :-D)

[Lara]

Thanks so much for all your posts, they are hilarious and I can't wait until the next cycle. Did you know that Miss Jay is on France's Next Top Model too?? He does that in the summertime!! You should try to check it out!!

[Canadian Kat]

Don't forget Canada's next top model. May 31!! Woot woot!

[damion]

Thank You Rich!!!!!!!!! Best Cycle ever... best recaps... always!

[Ms_Leo]

Thanks for a great cycle Rich! I love your blog no matter what. I want Ty Ty to announce the Ultimate ANTM challenge. A runway of all the winners (maybe Adrian won't be invited) but I think that would be major ratings for the CW. Yes - UPN is no more.

Anybody want Twiggy to get-to-steppin? She's boring and "intimidated" by EVERYTHING. I'm surprised she didn't say Ms. J was intimidating for sitting next to her. "Sigh", she's lame and we need another oldtimer to take her place. Where's a washed up supermodel when you need her?

Ta-ta for now!

[Coy]

(in butch voice) "Good Season Man!"
*slaps Rich's hard, firm buttocks*
"You F-ing Rock!"

woop! woop! Danielle! "Go Gurrrrl!" ha!

[Will]

I'm gonna miss the show. One of the best eva. Rich have you ever gotten in Big Brother. It's no ANTM but it's a fun Summer show to hold you over till next season.

[jen]

Just wanted to say that I will miss your hilarious posts as much as I will miss watching this show. Can't wait until the next one! I'd love a top 10 post, you are never too redundant. Seriously, you have made my Top Model experience so much brighter. Love ya

Thank you so much for your recaps, they are something i truly look forward to every week

[DJW]

I couldn't help but think that if Jade's rolling suitcase was replaced with a shopping cart, she'd have been a perfect image of many of the crazies in my neighborhood.

That snapping. WTF?

[pesky808]

ANTM - FOREVER! sucka!!
I love you, Rich.

[Erin]

I love how happy Joanie was for Danielle. It was really happiness.. not fake sore loser happiness. Joanie will get signed anyway but she was so classy about it. And I liked how she thanked them for her teeth. Thank God Danielle got her gap fixed, if she didn't she wouldn't have won. Woohoo Do Danielle!

[aplomb]

EXCELLENT RECAP!! I always read your recaps and never post...this one had me in stitches and I just had to, Keep up the Awesome work!! :)