The clump stops here

Care to revisit that magical moment once again?

This probably wouldn't surprise most, but it surprised me: I spent most of Thursday elated over this. I didn't know I cared that much! Now I know how it is to feel when your favorite sports team wins. I took the gayest route to get there, mind you, but I'm there all the same. Yeeee!

I mean, how satisfying was that? She's a CoverGirl, Mommy! And, as though this whole thing couldn't tug at the heartstrings more, Danielle has revealed that she's going to buy her undoubtedly awesome mother a car. Yeee squared!

Danielle winning was such a great shock. And to think, while watching the episode I was all ready to prepare a post that said something like, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your Top Model:"

I'm so glad that I didn't have to go there!

No disrespect to Joanie, though. She was a worthy competitor, and it would have been fine and even made sense if she won. She is awesome. Even in defeat, the girl is the picture of grace (but not Kelly). But if you ask me, Joanie was missing one key element. Let's turn to the last (sniffle!) installment of the crying count for a clue on what she lacks.

63. Danielle

64. Danielle

65. Danielle

Are you beginning to spot a trend?

66. Danielle

67. Joanie

I loved that Joanie's reason for crying was that the competition was coming to an end. Awwww. I know how she feels!

67. NOT TYRA

Are her tear ducts her in her ass? Is she not just talking, but also crying shit? Despite her claims of being "a little teary-eyed," she is not. THIS DOES NOT COUNT.

68. Danielle

It's interesting (maybe only to me) that despite seeming a lot drier than last cycle, this one was within striking distance -- last year's final tally topped 72. Thanks go out to Danielle for pulling more than her load during these past few episodes. Now, I'm not gonna scream about causality, but I think the positive correlation is enough. You cry, you win. Sorry, JoJo.

Persevering through sprained toes and dehydration woes also helps, no doubt.

Oh, that Tyra! Our final Tyraism of the week is maybe the, as ANTM promos or Tyra herself might say, most. controversial. ever. At least it is to hear Slate tell it (thanks rebelde01). But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I like when Tyra does funny voices. Call me simple! She goes through four in the course of this 30 second diatribe. Bitch is crazy!

It inspires me, actors, actresses inspire me, as well as you, Tyra.

Listen here!

"(On the CoverGirl commercial) I have to say, Danielle, I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. (A piano begins to sob softly in the background) I don't know what to tell you, you know, because, where we come from and the neighborhood that we come from, it's ingrained in us, you know? But you have to know how to leave it behind and turn it on for television. I'm not saying to say...

...'CoverGirl Lash Exact is soooooo nice!' You could still use soul. You could still say...

...'An' it won' clump.' You know, you can still do that. But it's not...

...'But it won' cluhm!' You understand the difference?"

First of all, Tyra's from Arkansas? Second of all, "saying to say." Third of all, if that's her definition of "soul," she Tyra just confirmed to a nation of gay boys that they are the diva royalty they always imagined.

For real, I realize that this is messy, especially for its racial implications, but I really liked Rell's take on it in the comments of Wednesday's post-finale post.

"I don't think that Tyra was hating on Danielle's accent. I think that it was her way of preparing her for what she may face in her career. Tyra has more than likely heard some of these same types of things in her career as a black woman."

Makes sense to me that she'd be giving Danielle "tough love" via the "reality" of the situation, kinda like how "plus-sized" in fashionspeak means "normal" in English. But most importantly, the above stills strung together illustrate what Tyra's really saying:

Blah blah blah!

For the final Jwatch, I give you this:

It's the part he was born to play. Raise your hand if you're going to miss Miss J.

1. You may have noticed in the Tyraism shots that our fearless leader appears to be in some sort of an edible casing.

Like a colonial sausage (but look, ma, no vagina arms!).

And check out what she rocked during the episode's final segment...

...Thai Thai Baby, for real!

My point is that finale wardrobe tomfoolery is the de facto rule on ANTM. It's like when Furonda excused her disco dress by saying, "We're in Thailand and it's a celebration." Almost every finale is like being in Thailand for Tyra. Here is a brief history of the finale fug:

Cycle 1, first elimination

Cycle 1, second elimination

Cycle 2, first elimination

Cycle 2, second elimination

(Sorry for the low quality on the Cycle 2 shots -- it's the only cycle I don't have in its entirety, so if anyone wants to hook me up, put it on me! Otherwise, it's YouTube for now, and maybe forever!)

Cycle 3, first elimination

Cycle 3, second elimination

Cycle 4, first elimination

Cycle 4, second elimination

Cycle 5, first elimination

Cycle 5, second elimination

As you can see, there are ups and downs, and usually in that order. Why Tyra feels the need to devolve so drastically between the first and second eliminations is perhaps more mystifying than the logic she exhibits during said rounds. And she's only getting worse. I mean, that Cinnabon 'do was the cream cheese icing on this piping hot mess.

2. Sigh. I'm so sad that this is the last . . .

What am I going to do without her knowledgeability?

• First and foremost is another classic...

(Sorry about the audio synching -- it's YouTube's fault, not mine!)

Can I tell you how much I love, "this little mascara?" It went "wee-tion-if-ibly" all the way home. Snapping the whole time, I bet.

Many have wondered if the fact that Jade still flubbed after cue cards were brought out signals illiteracy. I say, not likely. I think she's just high. Always.

Imagine that!

• Jade is a soul survivor.

She is a trouper along the lines of Young Jeezy and Akon. This is my tribute to her staunch character. A soul survivor, imagine that!

• "I think acting is an amazing talent to withhold."

Her misue of words never gets old. Imagine that!

• If all else fails, I think she should set up a table and hit different East Village spots, selling her poetry. I'd buy this for a dollar:

"Leftover Lady"

Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued.
If I only had the magic key
that would unlock the realms to
the plateau of the highest me.
Even though I've been badly bruised
livin' in a house to become a popular muse.

Ah, the grace of a Rhythm Nation 1814 interlude. Alternately: HIGH.

I like to think of this as an unofficial to Throbbing Gristle's "Hamburger Lady," and I look forward to its follow-up, "Hamburger Helper Lady." I think Jade would look hot with a white glove over her face.

Imagine that (and watch the video of Jade delivering these special words at PopMuse)!

• Jade showed the judges exactly what they'd be missing upon her elimination.

Tyra reacted accordingly.

Imagine that!

• But the best part of Jade's elimination was the fireworks display that followed.

A celebration! Imagine that!

• Jademania is sweeping the nation. Or at least this show...

Mr. Jay: "That's a characerature of Joanie!"

Miss J: I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous. Just exquirgid. Ex..."

To be fair, neither were exactly Bankston Hugheses in the first place. But imagine if they were!

• "This face will be hard to forget. Jade will be hard to forget."

I don't have to imagine that because it's true. Despite (or, more accurately, because of) how much I mocked her, the entertainment Jade provided during this cycle is worth more than all the baht in Thailand. For that, she has my undying love. To beat the deadical horse of wordplay one last time: Jade, I salutificate you. Mwah!

3. What was up with Roj Singhakul's (translated) comments on the girls' commercials?

"Roj said you have a really beautiful smile, but he doesn't want to buy your mascara, basically."

But he would if Jade had done better? What a homo!

"Roj thinks he would buy whatever she sells..."

I bet he wishes Danielle were hawking tampons.

4. Shouldn't this lady be placing the flowers meticulously?

5. Did you notice how not competitive Joanie and Danielle were at the end? I think for that we lost some runway-show fierceness.

The head in the way during Joanie's first major pose, of course, didn't help.

I thought they were gonna start throwing shoulders, but they smoothly avoided body contact. Damn it!

Their ebony and ivory thing was cute, especially during this psychological game of cat and mouse.

Joanie: I'm getting called first a lot. Is that good? Does that mean, like...

Danielle: (channeling Tyra)...like you were the best out of the bunch.

Joanie: I just hope I win. Sorry!

Danielle: What, sucka? Do you wanna get stabbed with this spoon? In yo jugular?

Joanie: In my jug-u-luh.

Adorable. So was their mock reverential treatment of the second-to-last Tyra Mail:

Like I told Twiggy and J last week: take it on the road. But please don't sing!

Or dance.

6. Did you all groan when the show went to commercial before Tyra could reveal the Top 2?

Suckas! They do that every finale episode!

7. I loved the trip-through-time that this episode offered.

It reminded me of the exact moment when I fell madly in love with Danielle:

BEST. ANTM. PHOTO. EVER.

It reminded me of the weird noise Joanie's snaggle tooth used to make.

Thank god she got that tusk removed!

It taught me that Jade loves, uh, riding skateboards with dogs...

...and that good DNA runs in Joanie's family for more than just her generation...

Preach to me, sexy dad.

Also, as though we couldn't love her (or her mom!) more:

And, my favorite:

Can you imagine that child's sass? Sorry, I mean soul.

8. Ah, Nicole.

"Right now, my hopes and dreams are just to be a great CoverGirl and definitely just work towards my goals of being a successful model."

So, Nicole's hopes and dreams involve working toward her goals. That says everything, doesn't it?

I'd say, "Bye, forever!" but I'm sure I'll see her on Tyra's couch. A lot.

9. Haha! Tyra's hair was messed up...

...and then she fixed it. Haha!

10. And that's it. Wow. I feel like I should thank everyone for reading my nonsense and sharing the awesome experience that is ANTM (I mean, really, six cycles in and I'm not seeing even a slight dip in entertainment quality -- ANTM FOREVER!!!). But fuck thanking you! I bleed for you hoes. Thank me!

Kidding. For real, it's been awesome. I think next week, I may to a final, video post of my Top 10 moments of the cycle, but I don't know. Maybe that'd be redundant? Honestly, I don't even know if I'll be awake at all next week. This cycle kicked my ass. Papa needs some sleep.

Awwww. ANTM's leaving us.

I'll be crying for 125 odd days till its return. (You know, sometimes I feel like I'm writing one of those pictograph stories for Highlights, in which little icons replaced hard-to-read words. But then, the tag of that magazine was "Fun with a purpose," and I'm not trying to be all high-brow like that.)

Thanks suckas!

Comments

[Deedee]

"Why was it horrible that Nicole won because she was white, but awesome that "a brown girl finally won" (by "finally" I assume y'all mean "since two cycles ago")? Oh, that's right, the predictable race politics of the comments section.

(not directed at Rich, but at his supplicants)"

It was horrible that Nicole won because she wasn't the BEST imo,not because she was white.

[CM]

Rich, I salutificate you. Mwah!
Thank you for all of your hard work!! You always make me laugh.

[Amber]

Thank you, Rich for working so hard on these recaps! You make me smile each week! You are such an awesome person to share your talents with the world. Much love to you until the next cycle!

[miss mandi]

So sad it's over! And thank you largically for writing the fantasticus posts! Such wit you have - it's hard to be funny in print (or blog). I think I have your weekly posts to blame for my ANTM obsession. Yes, it's your fault (and that of Janice the Genital Wart, whom I adore).

And to all the people that have problems with discussion of race and the alleged "90's identity politics" - it's just embarrassing to read crabby comments like yours. Leaf through any fashion magazine and count how many women of color grace the pages. I can tell you right now: anywhere from zero to one!

Again, thanks for writing the recaps. And will you PLEASE start paying more attention to your other kitty?

[Fred V]

Your commentary RAWKS... and I'm actually feeling the ANTM winner for the first time since Eva!

(Jade-esque snip to end the season)

[Foxy]

Call me a suckah, but I'm still fond of Adrienne's naked shot from Cycle 1 as the best Top Model photo.

[kpg]

your recaps are the highlight of my fridays! thanks a lot, and post whatever you want re: this show. We'll love it. :)

[pphillihpp]

"And to all the people that have problems with discussion of race and the alleged "90's identity politics" - it's just embarrassing to read crabby comments like yours."

what's embarassing is that you seem to think that staying mired in unreflective, boilerplate discourse gets anyone anywhere. yeah, duh, i know there's a racial bias in modeling (as in most other areas), but how is that evidenced in a show where 50% of the winners have been women of color? bug-eyed, big-nosed nik didn't win "because she was black"? yet had she won, some of the same comments that have been appearing on this board would have continued - "oh, yes, black, but not DARK enough." in the meantime, no one seems to get that it's danielle's VOICE (horribly grating, cracking constantly) that's the main problem.

yes, nicole sucks as a spokesmodel (all the personality of rubber cement, with a delivery guaranteed to compete with sominex), but is she worse than the she-beard bearing naima? danielle's commercial sucked, and joanie's was excellent. and danielle DESERVED to win, nonetheless, because she was younger, slimmer, taller and probably more beautiful.

so now let's rally against all the injustice against short people in modeling. or fat people. or ugly people.

it's a lot more complex than race, honey.

[pphillihpp]

(oh, and jade? i'm convinced she must have a learning disability. seriously.)

[pphillihpp]

(and twiggy's face upon jade's diva-rama departure was priceless)

[Mr. Prince]

Best Cycle Ever. Best. RECAPS. EVER!!!

I love you rich! you're my gay new icon.

[silvarga]

I loved Joanie just as much as I loved Danielle and would have been happy with either one of them being the winner. Personally, I would like to have seen the first ever ANTM tie. Both had personality, inner beauty and outer beauty. I have no doubt Joanie will also receive a major contract and that they will remain close friends (just like Tyra and Heidi Klum).

"Why was it horrible that Nicole won because she was white, but awesome that "a brown girl finally won" (by "finally" I assume y'all mean "since two cycles ago")? Oh, that's right, the predictable race politics of the comments section."

It IS horrible that Nicole won the previous cycle. She won because she is indistinguishable from any everyday girl on the street. She won because Cover Girl needed a better mascot than Naima.


Nicole seemed to have been preselected as the winner halfway through that cycle. Maybe it was a direct order from Cover Girl or maybe it was based on the best fit with the agency the Cycle 5 winner was to be assigned to (FORD is very plain, and VERY WASPy). Either way, it was obvious (despite all the "high fashion" b.s.) that they were looking for a specific type of model for the Cycle 5 winner:
Safe. Moldable. Commercial. "Cover Girl"...

So no matter how well the other girls did (or how badly Nicole did) that cycle seemed to be manipulated to ensure she'd be the winner. Which made Cycle 5 a bigger farce than all the other cycles put together...and all the girls (and half the audience) knew it.

[pphillihpp]

if covergirl conspired to have nicole win (when nik was actually more eloquent), why in the world would they not have stepped in to rule out danielle? again, look at danielle's commercial vs. joanie's - and, honestly, which is better?

oh, sorry, i forgot - conspiracy theory lacks logic.

[Real Girl]

69. Me. Crying. Because NO MORE RECAPS! Will miss you bunches.

[Saun]

Thank you , thank you, thank you Rich! I looked forward to this each and every Friday and I was never disappointed. (I might have to send Jade a thank you card for giving you so much material to go on.) I have never cared so much about the outcome of any cycle as much as I did this one. Danielle is the People's Champ. I can't wait for the next set of "My Life as a Covergirl" commercials. And in tribute of the People's Champ, I have officially added the work "sucka" to my daily vocabulary.

"I bleed for you hoes". LMAO! It's so true. Thanks again Rich!

[Francine]

Day-um! Going to miss Rich's recaps even more now that he shows the chops to work in a Throbbing Gristle ref. "By far the worst was the hamburger lady" - jeezis that song scared me bad way back when.

[Melement]

Thank You!!

[olah]

nice work on the recaps, doll. i look forward to more! consider this your thanks! thanks!

[Courtney]

Oh my god, I cannot get enough of these recaps. And I love that Danielle even had a gap in her baby pictures. Thank you so much for all the hard work you put into these recaps, not to mention everything else you post!

[momo]

So sad this has come to an end... and Rich my hungover ass will miss your hilarious Friday recaps, NOW what's gonna cheer me up enough to study?! Also, I have to say, I spent Weds eve and some of Thurs a little sad, I thought I loved Joanie + Danielle pretty equally and was thrilled they were the final 2, but my heart kind of dropped when Joanie lost. The way she just had a smile for everything and everyone, and I don't know she really was just so sweet, and seemed to genuinely want to be friends with Danielle, I guess I really responded to that. But yay for Miss Danielle and I hope that the person above who thinks Joanie will get a contract too is right!!!

[summer]

so mad that you made a remix of akon/jeezy's soul survivor feat. jade!!! Even madder that I uncontrollably laughed both times she said it!!

also, thank you for all the work you did this cycle. your after the shows are WAY better than Oprah's!

i think the break until next cycle will be good for us. i think we need some time apart. once you showed up in one of my dreams, i knew things had gone too far.

[billionheiress]

oh Rich thank you so much for this seasons recaps. i have never posted before but i read your site all the time and i fucking LOVE it. your "specializatincs"in all things pop culture are much "apreciatable" and you are loved.

[Rachel]

Yes, your recaps truly always brightened up my day. Sad that Joanie lost, but at least, the "considerating" haiku-reciting Jade didn't, and that's good enough.

Can't wait for next cycle...and for whatever cuh-razy doesn't-mean-to-be-stupid-but-is-anyway reality show you'll cover next.

Cheers to ya, Rich! And count me in for that Top 10 Moments thing..that'll be sweet.

[PK]

Aww, sucka! I do love you! I know you bleed for us and we love you even more for it! Yay Danielle! You're the bestest and I'll keep checking back to just see what you're writiterating bouts. Truth be told- I got hooked when I read your "MTV: Fat Camp" recap. ANTM was just a blessednessdedness bonifidem.

[Julie]

Here in Canada, the Canadian ANTM is starting next Wednesday. But they won't be nearly as fun without your comments on it :((((