The clump stops here

Care to revisit that magical moment once again?

This probably wouldn't surprise most, but it surprised me: I spent most of Thursday elated over this. I didn't know I cared that much! Now I know how it is to feel when your favorite sports team wins. I took the gayest route to get there, mind you, but I'm there all the same. Yeeee!

I mean, how satisfying was that? She's a CoverGirl, Mommy! And, as though this whole thing couldn't tug at the heartstrings more, Danielle has revealed that she's going to buy her undoubtedly awesome mother a car. Yeee squared!

Danielle winning was such a great shock. And to think, while watching the episode I was all ready to prepare a post that said something like, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your Top Model:"

I'm so glad that I didn't have to go there!

No disrespect to Joanie, though. She was a worthy competitor, and it would have been fine and even made sense if she won. She is awesome. Even in defeat, the girl is the picture of grace (but not Kelly). But if you ask me, Joanie was missing one key element. Let's turn to the last (sniffle!) installment of the crying count for a clue on what she lacks.

63. Danielle

64. Danielle

65. Danielle

Are you beginning to spot a trend?

66. Danielle

67. Joanie

I loved that Joanie's reason for crying was that the competition was coming to an end. Awwww. I know how she feels!

67. NOT TYRA

Are her tear ducts her in her ass? Is she not just talking, but also crying shit? Despite her claims of being "a little teary-eyed," she is not. THIS DOES NOT COUNT.

68. Danielle

It's interesting (maybe only to me) that despite seeming a lot drier than last cycle, this one was within striking distance -- last year's final tally topped 72. Thanks go out to Danielle for pulling more than her load during these past few episodes. Now, I'm not gonna scream about causality, but I think the positive correlation is enough. You cry, you win. Sorry, JoJo.

Persevering through sprained toes and dehydration woes also helps, no doubt.

Oh, that Tyra! Our final Tyraism of the week is maybe the, as ANTM promos or Tyra herself might say, most. controversial. ever. At least it is to hear Slate tell it (thanks rebelde01). But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I like when Tyra does funny voices. Call me simple! She goes through four in the course of this 30 second diatribe. Bitch is crazy!

It inspires me, actors, actresses inspire me, as well as you, Tyra.

Listen here!

"(On the CoverGirl commercial) I have to say, Danielle, I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. (A piano begins to sob softly in the background) I don't know what to tell you, you know, because, where we come from and the neighborhood that we come from, it's ingrained in us, you know? But you have to know how to leave it behind and turn it on for television. I'm not saying to say...

...'CoverGirl Lash Exact is soooooo nice!' You could still use soul. You could still say...

...'An' it won' clump.' You know, you can still do that. But it's not...

...'But it won' cluhm!' You understand the difference?"

First of all, Tyra's from Arkansas? Second of all, "saying to say." Third of all, if that's her definition of "soul," she Tyra just confirmed to a nation of gay boys that they are the diva royalty they always imagined.

For real, I realize that this is messy, especially for its racial implications, but I really liked Rell's take on it in the comments of Wednesday's post-finale post.

"I don't think that Tyra was hating on Danielle's accent. I think that it was her way of preparing her for what she may face in her career. Tyra has more than likely heard some of these same types of things in her career as a black woman."

Makes sense to me that she'd be giving Danielle "tough love" via the "reality" of the situation, kinda like how "plus-sized" in fashionspeak means "normal" in English. But most importantly, the above stills strung together illustrate what Tyra's really saying:

Blah blah blah!

For the final Jwatch, I give you this:

It's the part he was born to play. Raise your hand if you're going to miss Miss J.

1. You may have noticed in the Tyraism shots that our fearless leader appears to be in some sort of an edible casing.

Like a colonial sausage (but look, ma, no vagina arms!).

And check out what she rocked during the episode's final segment...

...Thai Thai Baby, for real!

My point is that finale wardrobe tomfoolery is the de facto rule on ANTM. It's like when Furonda excused her disco dress by saying, "We're in Thailand and it's a celebration." Almost every finale is like being in Thailand for Tyra. Here is a brief history of the finale fug:

Cycle 1, first elimination

Cycle 1, second elimination

Cycle 2, first elimination

Cycle 2, second elimination

(Sorry for the low quality on the Cycle 2 shots -- it's the only cycle I don't have in its entirety, so if anyone wants to hook me up, put it on me! Otherwise, it's YouTube for now, and maybe forever!)

Cycle 3, first elimination

Cycle 3, second elimination

Cycle 4, first elimination

Cycle 4, second elimination

Cycle 5, first elimination

Cycle 5, second elimination

As you can see, there are ups and downs, and usually in that order. Why Tyra feels the need to devolve so drastically between the first and second eliminations is perhaps more mystifying than the logic she exhibits during said rounds. And she's only getting worse. I mean, that Cinnabon 'do was the cream cheese icing on this piping hot mess.

2. Sigh. I'm so sad that this is the last . . .

What am I going to do without her knowledgeability?

• First and foremost is another classic...

(Sorry about the audio synching -- it's YouTube's fault, not mine!)

Can I tell you how much I love, "this little mascara?" It went "wee-tion-if-ibly" all the way home. Snapping the whole time, I bet.

Many have wondered if the fact that Jade still flubbed after cue cards were brought out signals illiteracy. I say, not likely. I think she's just high. Always.

Imagine that!

• Jade is a soul survivor.

She is a trouper along the lines of Young Jeezy and Akon. This is my tribute to her staunch character. A soul survivor, imagine that!

• "I think acting is an amazing talent to withhold."

Her misue of words never gets old. Imagine that!

• If all else fails, I think she should set up a table and hit different East Village spots, selling her poetry. I'd buy this for a dollar:

"Leftover Lady"

Leftover lady
Let alone the strongest to be subdued.
If I only had the magic key
that would unlock the realms to
the plateau of the highest me.
Even though I've been badly bruised
livin' in a house to become a popular muse.

Ah, the grace of a Rhythm Nation 1814 interlude. Alternately: HIGH.

I like to think of this as an unofficial to Throbbing Gristle's "Hamburger Lady," and I look forward to its follow-up, "Hamburger Helper Lady." I think Jade would look hot with a white glove over her face.

Imagine that (and watch the video of Jade delivering these special words at PopMuse)!

• Jade showed the judges exactly what they'd be missing upon her elimination.

Tyra reacted accordingly.

Imagine that!

• But the best part of Jade's elimination was the fireworks display that followed.

A celebration! Imagine that!

• Jademania is sweeping the nation. Or at least this show...

Mr. Jay: "That's a characerature of Joanie!"

Miss J: I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous. Just exquirgid. Ex..."

To be fair, neither were exactly Bankston Hugheses in the first place. But imagine if they were!

• "This face will be hard to forget. Jade will be hard to forget."

I don't have to imagine that because it's true. Despite (or, more accurately, because of) how much I mocked her, the entertainment Jade provided during this cycle is worth more than all the baht in Thailand. For that, she has my undying love. To beat the deadical horse of wordplay one last time: Jade, I salutificate you. Mwah!

3. What was up with Roj Singhakul's (translated) comments on the girls' commercials?

"Roj said you have a really beautiful smile, but he doesn't want to buy your mascara, basically."

But he would if Jade had done better? What a homo!

"Roj thinks he would buy whatever she sells..."

I bet he wishes Danielle were hawking tampons.

4. Shouldn't this lady be placing the flowers meticulously?

5. Did you notice how not competitive Joanie and Danielle were at the end? I think for that we lost some runway-show fierceness.

The head in the way during Joanie's first major pose, of course, didn't help.

I thought they were gonna start throwing shoulders, but they smoothly avoided body contact. Damn it!

Their ebony and ivory thing was cute, especially during this psychological game of cat and mouse.

Joanie: I'm getting called first a lot. Is that good? Does that mean, like...

Danielle: (channeling Tyra)...like you were the best out of the bunch.

Joanie: I just hope I win. Sorry!

Danielle: What, sucka? Do you wanna get stabbed with this spoon? In yo jugular?

Joanie: In my jug-u-luh.

Adorable. So was their mock reverential treatment of the second-to-last Tyra Mail:

Like I told Twiggy and J last week: take it on the road. But please don't sing!

Or dance.

6. Did you all groan when the show went to commercial before Tyra could reveal the Top 2?

Suckas! They do that every finale episode!

7. I loved the trip-through-time that this episode offered.

It reminded me of the exact moment when I fell madly in love with Danielle:

BEST. ANTM. PHOTO. EVER.

It reminded me of the weird noise Joanie's snaggle tooth used to make.

Thank god she got that tusk removed!

It taught me that Jade loves, uh, riding skateboards with dogs...

...and that good DNA runs in Joanie's family for more than just her generation...

Preach to me, sexy dad.

Also, as though we couldn't love her (or her mom!) more:

And, my favorite:

Can you imagine that child's sass? Sorry, I mean soul.

8. Ah, Nicole.

"Right now, my hopes and dreams are just to be a great CoverGirl and definitely just work towards my goals of being a successful model."

So, Nicole's hopes and dreams involve working toward her goals. That says everything, doesn't it?

I'd say, "Bye, forever!" but I'm sure I'll see her on Tyra's couch. A lot.

9. Haha! Tyra's hair was messed up...

...and then she fixed it. Haha!

10. And that's it. Wow. I feel like I should thank everyone for reading my nonsense and sharing the awesome experience that is ANTM (I mean, really, six cycles in and I'm not seeing even a slight dip in entertainment quality -- ANTM FOREVER!!!). But fuck thanking you! I bleed for you hoes. Thank me!

Kidding. For real, it's been awesome. I think next week, I may to a final, video post of my Top 10 moments of the cycle, but I don't know. Maybe that'd be redundant? Honestly, I don't even know if I'll be awake at all next week. This cycle kicked my ass. Papa needs some sleep.

Awwww. ANTM's leaving us.

I'll be crying for 125 odd days till its return. (You know, sometimes I feel like I'm writing one of those pictograph stories for Highlights, in which little icons replaced hard-to-read words. But then, the tag of that magazine was "Fun with a purpose," and I'm not trying to be all high-brow like that.)

Thanks suckas!

Comments

"Black people spend most of their time thinking up conspiracy theories and play the victim blaming white people for everything. while (peaceful) white people spend most of their time trying not to offend anyone. Now why is this happening?"

LOLOLOL Yes, that's what we do -- I don't have, like, a job with which to afford my Internet connection, or a family or friends or anything; I, like ALL BLACK PEOPLE, just sit around filling my life with dreaming up conspiracies and hating the whitey, when I'm not casing your house and/or plotting how to take your purse. With that kind of singlemindedness, why haven't we, my brethren, taken over control of the world from the JEEEEEEEEWS???

Repeat after me: Generalizations, bad.

PS "wone"="won." Whoops. :-)

[Val]

OH.MY.GOD.
You referenced Throbbing Gristle.
I love you so much it hurts.

[trick pleas]

I saw Danielle on Regis this morning. She does seem to have worked a little on her speech. She is so sweet. She met her bf at Walmart

[pphillihpp]

if you want to see something horrifying, go here:

http://tv.zap2it.com/photos/index/0,1237,zp_fromThumb|89504|87038,00.html

then click back through the fotos. you will see truly hideous pix of yoanna, mercedes and catie. looking at yoanna in that pink and green dress....*shudder*

Can't wait till next week for Canada's next top model ... though you probably won't be recapping that one :)

[Erica]

I love that D won all though I expected it to go to Jo. Rich you hit the nail on the head every Friday Can't wait until the next cycle. I think you should start a re cap of AI I would Love to hear what you had to say about Simon, drunk Paula, and the "Dog" Randy!

[Leigh]

My greatest wish for the day is that you could somehow see Canada's Next Top Model. It's the first season (took long enough) and reading your take on it would make that much more enjoyable.

[rea]

thanks so much for your re-caps. I was never into ANTM until I got into reading your brilliant sum-ups of the eps, and truth be told, i became a die hard cycle 6 fan because of them. can't wait til cycle 7!

[Mia]

Let me just comment on why its horrible that Nicole won. Its not horrible that she won because she's white. Its horrible that she was ever allowed out of 7th grade with her (in)ability to compose a sentence. Its horrible that anyone would choose her as a spokesperson for anything besides Hooked on Phonics. It horrible that anyone with a commercial worse than Jade's (did Nicole ever get her lines right?) would be chosen. With that lack of talent, she was a bad choice of any race.

[Nemesis]

Rich, I *heart* me some you. FOURFOUR FOREVER!

T.

[blooregaurd q. kazoo]

I loved every millisecond of your commentary. I will be anxiously waiting for the next ANTM cycle not only for the sheer enjoyment of watching the show but to read your wise witty words. I'll miss you!! Thanks for being you and caring.

[Lizzie]

I love you commentary! Damn this was funny!

[GiGi]

Thank you forever! I have an important and crucial request... Will you blog Canada's Next Top Model? It won't be the same without getting to check fourfour after every episode. PLease? Do it for the Canucks. We love you too, and SURELY the Canadian version is going to be outright bizarre... also I must tease that in trailors Jay Manuel has been seen making a cameo. You wouldn't want to miss seeing his nipples hard and pokey in the brisk rocky mountain breeze. (I pray he tries to wear short-shorts in the snow).
A fond request from a faithful and grateful fan. Thanks again.

Gigi

[mariaaaaa]

Oh papa, I hope you've gotten some rest! I would love to see a recap of your top ten moments of cycle 6. If not this week, than the next, or even the week after that. Take your time, beebeedee. Any plans to cover other shows?
On another note, have you ever thought about setting up a "tip jar"? I'm good for at least a five as I'm sure many of us would be. It wouldn't be enough to quit your day job, but it would defray any costs and make up a little for your time. And it would give us a chance to show our gratitude. And so you would officially be our 'ho! Ha ha ha ha!!!! Just kidding! Cuz you know, we are all YOUR ho's!!!!

[Bertram]

Rich, I love you. Please hang out with me. My address is.... Bronx, NY 10458. :P

Thank you for a great season, now I'm actually not dreading the next cycle anymore!

[Tom]

Just wanted to add my thank you - I've just gotten into ANTM this cycle, and your recaps have made an already entertaining show 100x more hilarious. I am so happy that beautiful and charming Danielle won, but I'll miss Jade and Joanie just as much! Can't wait for next cycle (though I don't see how it can live up to this one...)

[Helen]

I was SO HAPPY when Danielle won i was getting really sick and tired of being diddapointed of the judges choices over and over again.Like last cycle I wanted NIK to win but Nicole won instead. A couple cycles ago Yonna won instead of Mercedes I was really mad but I think they FINALLY made the right decision!!!!!!!!!GO DANIELLE I KNOW YOU'LL MAKE ME PROUD

[Unit 1]

Thank you for your wonderful recaps. It's been a great adventure. I'm looking forward to cycle seven both on the UPN and online here at fourfour. Have a nice summer. Ciao.

[Hana]

all i have to say is that i didn't like how this season ended, like how Joanie said it, " The best girl won."

oh well, i guess i'll just have to live it huh sucka?

[Brent]

Best recap everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[necrograde]

Throbbing Gristle, yah!!

[aimsbury]

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ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
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summer time milf -
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sweet loads -
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team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
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cumfiesta -
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french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
milf lessons -
milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
papi -
pee lover -
penis palooza -
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sammy4u -
sapphic erotica -
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street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
tug jobs -
vip crew -
we live together -
white slave whores -
whore wagon -
xxx proposal -
mr chews asian beaver -
2 in the stink -
8th street latinas -
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all reality pass -
all sites access -
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blind date bangers -
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brazil bang -
brick house butts -
bubble butt orgy -
bukkake pee -
busty adventures -
butt cam -
cam crush -
cams -
captain stabbin -
casting couch teens -
coeds need cash -
college teens book bang -
cumfiesta -
cum girls -
dangerous dongs -
euro sex parties -
extreme asses -
extreme naturals -
fat ass pass -
first time auditions -
fisting lessons -
fling -
flower tucci -
french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
milf lessons -
milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
papi -
pee lover -
penis palooza -
phat booty brazil -
phat booty hoes -
phat white booty -
pimp my black teen -
please bang my wife -
porn multi pass -
public invasion -
pussy foot girls -
pussy pinata -
real arizona amateurs -
reality pass plus -
real orgasms -
red ass teens -
round and brown -
round mound of ass -
sado slaves -
sammy4u -
sapphic erotica -
see her squirt -
she fucks guys -
street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
tug jobs -
vip crew -
we live together -
white slave whores -
whore wagon -
xxx proposal -
my first porn scene -
2 in the stink -
8th street latinas -
40 inch plus -
abbraxa porn -
adult friend finder -
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[aimsworth]

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little coco -
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mike in brazil -
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money talks -
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mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
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my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
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money talks -
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heels and hoes -
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knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
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little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
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little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
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mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
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my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
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[aimsworth]

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giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
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in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
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team squirt -
teenie video -
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the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
tug jobs -
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ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
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little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
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money talks -
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mr cameltoe -
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my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
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pee lover -
penis palooza -
phat booty brazil -
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real arizona amateurs -
reality pass plus -
real orgasms -
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round and brown -
round mound of ass -
sado slaves -
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sapphic erotica -
see her squirt -
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street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
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french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
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little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
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money talks -
monsters of cock -
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mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
papi -
pee lover -
penis palooza -
phat booty brazil -
phat booty hoes -
phat white booty -
pimp my black teen -
please bang my wife -
porn multi pass -
public invasion -
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pussy pinata -
real arizona amateurs -
reality pass plus -
real orgasms -
red ass teens -
round and brown -
round mound of ass -
sado slaves -
sammy4u -
sapphic erotica -
see her squirt -
she fucks guys -
street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
tug jobs -
vip crew -
we live together -
white slave whores -
whore wagon -
xxx proposal -
pussy foot girls -
2 in the stink -
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40 inch plus -
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adult friend finder -
all reality pass -
all sites access -
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angels of porn video -
asian creamy pies -
ass parade -
athens girls -
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big ass adventure -
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cumfiesta -
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extreme asses -
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first time auditions -
fisting lessons -
fling -
flower tucci -
french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
milf lessons -
milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -