Fellow bitch, fallen eyebrow

After watching this week's episode of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, I feel further need to defend it. Yeah, JDMA possibly the most trivial and superficial thing on TV right now (The Hills have nothing on it!), but of course it is. Complaining about Janice Dickinson churning out putrid, garbage television is like hanging out with a homeless person and complaining about the smell.

Also, it strikes me that Janice is simultaneously emotionally complex and devoid of many expressions (Botox strikes), which might cause major confusion for the uninitiated. If that's the case, I've drawn up a chart to illustrate Janice's major mood swing of the show (when, in seeming minutes, she went from defending the pleasant plumpness of signees Lauren and Nyabel against the criticism of Janice's business partner, Peter, to agreeing with him). I don't know why Janice behaves the way she does, but at least we this, we can attain a greater understanding of how she behaves the way she does. You might want to click on this to enlarge it.

1. Belligerent - "Don't be so mean, Peter...You know what, I'm going to take you outside." Janice "You're Too Fat" Dicksinson gets rowdy not just for any girls, but for their chunk. Is that spirit or spirits greasing her wheels?

2. Idealistic - "Some models just are larger than others." Her head's in the clouds. If they aren't anorexic they aren't real models. Everyone knows that.

3. Passionate - "I believe in my girls!" Peter Cetera-style, Janice is the world's first supermodel who will fight for their honor.

4. Realistic - "You're coming along, but it needs to drop off faster." In which the chemicals align and Janice achieves her daily five minutes of balance. Showtime. Synergy.

5. Smug - "And I just got so pissed, I went to the gym yesterday and worked out for three hours. That's why I can eat chocolate." Keep in mind that during this entire debate, Janice is shoveling food into her mouth, proving superiority one earned bite at a time.

6. Pissy - "Nyabel and Lauren had some time to drop the pounds. They didn't follow through and they're certainly not doing the work." At least she didn't rush to a conclusion.

7. Domineering - "Nyabel and Lauren have two weeks to shape up or ship out. They really need to understand how serious I am." If all else fails she can put them in ball gags to get them to stop eating so much, right?

The sensitive subject causes the two cows girls to flee. Janice follows them, offering an apology, and immediately following it up with this.

"'Cause you're a little bit heavy right now. You're. Heavy. Right. Now." A gentle reminder.

And then, in her final act of sensitivity, Janice bizarrely rubs a tear off Lauren's face and ends up jabbing her in the eye.

Compassion!

A few more random observations from the episode follow...

First, the eye candy:

I don't know what this guy's name is...

...or what his deal is...

...but I want to have his children. He isn't just flawless, he's flawless with good eyebrows. They are scarce, as we'll soon find out.

Soren (however you spell it), meanwhile, has that ass worth getting lost in...

...and that face worth losing.

Seriously, it's a shame they can't shoot him naked from behind all the time. Now I really know what the 2 Live Crew meant when they said, "Face down, ass up."

This guy, I don't have an opinion on either way...

...but how did I know that when Janice mentioned him being from Hawaii, she'd follow it up with a barb entirely dependent on stereotyping ("What are ya eatin', poi?")? Sensitivity strikes again (and I'm not going to post anything from her embarrassing "jive talk" rant, which featured her Jewish grandmother -esque  take on "Whassup!" OK, actually, I will post that).

This is Janice's plastic surgeon, or at least a plastic surgeon she knows trusts. Clearly, his face is no stranger to the knife, itself.

But what, I wonder, is the point of getting work done if it's just going to make you look like a drag king doing a lousy Anderson Cooper?

"Peter Gabriel. Peter Gabriel." Peter Gabriel?

Oh. Peter, Gabriel. Peter, Gabriel. Disappointing.

Oh, Nyabel.

Nyabel needs to get herself some eye-a-brows. Until she she does, she will be known to me as Nay-a-brow.

And speaking of eyebrows:

Ew. Here's a suggestion for Not-So-Cutiè: take that "carpet" you're toting around, cut it up and glue some of its fake fur to your brow.

Much better!

Not that I need to hate on N-S-C -- Janice did a fine job herself (I told you that she chose these trolls just to tear them down).

"I believe that your nose is too bulbous. And if it's painful to you, I apologize." Aw, she's getting soft on us!

And then, Janice dumped N-S-C's ass. Yay!

Janice doesn't have love for her fellow bitch? Shocking.

Comments

[Jillie]

I love you all over again, Rich. Almost as much as I love Winston. I knew you would do a great job analyzing the JDMA show - and Janice IS fascinating psychologically! Thanks for making my day even better!

[Toby]

I'm so glad you posted a picture of his ass. I wish you did an animated gif so that we could really appreciate its jiggle.

[Brandon]

Drag king doing Anderson Cooper; HaHaHa h AH ahaH aH ah HA ahOMG haHa HAa.

And I agree 100% with your appraisal of Soren; and I didn't notice them in the episode, but his wispy bangs are sooooooo sexy.

[karsh]

Poor Soren: ass from heaven and a face like Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. What was really funny to me is that the guy she's making fun of in the "Whassup" bit was actually on another reality show; WB's "Survival of the Richest". He's still corny, though.

[Mara]

oh, the enigma that is janice dick...aside from the slim pickins of eye candy, the show's gettin' old fast. maybe if we actually heard from the "models" (using the term lightly), that might liven things up a bit...cuz as, er, fascinating as jdma is, antm it is not.

and 50 cent also says "face down, ass up"...who knew he was quoting 2Live Crew?

[Jackie]

"Nay-a-brow" - oh my GOD.

[Courtie]

I'm dead at the keyboard over Nay-a-brow.
Dead and buried.

[mariaaaaa]

"Peter Cetera-style, Janice is the world's first supermodel who will fight for their honor." HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Oh my God, that's a name I haven't heard in a while.

I haven't seen the show yet, I'm only going by your recap, but I think I've been assmatized, because I don't see anything wrong with Soren's face. I think he's cute. You gays/guys are so picky!

[Susan]

Your recaps are hilarious, keep 'em coming!

[john]

ah, i think soren is hot all over. i much prefer your recaps, than to watch the actual show itself on tv. lol

Showtime. Synergy. Too cool.

[Tootie]

Rich, you must continue to recap this. I too was wondering what the fuck was going on with the eyebrows on this show- I couldn't help but compare Nyabel to Whoopie Goldberg because of her general ugliness and the lack of browage...anyway, I'm just glad I'm not the only person watching this show.

[marlo_girl aka angry black girl]

Nay-a-brow?

OMG. dead.

DEAD, i tell you!

[Shawn]

eye-a-brow.

LOVED IT!

[Karebear]

Thank GOD for Janice Dickinson and your blog. Now my ANTM withdrawl is slightly less painful.
You are hilarious! And the emotional swings-- spot on.

Did you see her on Jimmy Kimmel. She really delivered the crazy.

[JH]

On the one hand, I feel that I can never really side with someone as soulless, self-absorbed, and pathetic as JD. Then I see how serious she is about her agency - I really think she is - and how she cuts through the bullshit and gets right to the point. Her bluntness has sort of won me over, if only because it makes sense in the context of the fashion biz and shows she has some integrity. (It's put me off Tyra's touchy-feeliness, that's for sure.) When all is said and done, though, will anyone in the fashion world take Janice and her agency seriously?

[Avatar]

I haven't yet brung myself to watch this steaming pile of a show, but I did see La Janice in the flesh at LA's Gay Pride parade. I must say, she looked shiteous! I know she's not exactly a natural beauty anymore, but DAMN! There must be a magic camera she has filming her 24-7, because off the TV and out in the real world, she looks like a 5'2" grandma with new tits, sagging skin on her arms, neck, and inner thighs, that funky lollipop-hip-and-cliffside-ass thing grandmas get, and a frighteningly frozen and oddly misaligned face. Her extensions were Springer-esque (atrocious and easily removed in a bitchfight), and her skin looked like a well-worn leather purse.

[spiffy]

I find it interesting that we're three episodes into the whole Nyabel thing, and the name Alek Wek hasn't came out of JD's mouth. Or maybe she doesn't have to, because it's so obvious. But just like the industry doesn't need a short Carmen Cass (Khalen), why would it need a short Alek?

I do think JD can spot the raw material though -- even she has said none of these boys & girls are ready for work yet. It'd be interesting to see what paces these people have to be put through to be camera-ready. In some ways JDMA is more interesting to me than ANTM, which has now become formulaic. (And 22 minutes of Janice on Oxygen every week is waaaaay better than 5 minutes of Janice on ANTM...)

[Gayest Neil]

Oy that ass. Oh that ass..... That ass! I knew it'd show up here. Mmmm... That ass. Damn that beautiful ass. (oh) and was his "snowing in Las Vegas" remark some sort of veiled drug reference. I'd ski on the slope of that butt anyday!

[mdizzy]

LMAO at Nay-a-brow. too good. BTW, the same could be said about hanging out with Jade and not complaining about the smell...of bitch that is.

[ChicagoChild]

Should this show be renamed "Monsters Incorporated?" Or "Ugliness Makekover?"

She chooses these people because they are not that good looking, but people she can actually transform. Much like herself....wouldn't you say?

That boy does have good ass, I must admit!

[katez]

That was a great read! I tried searching all the channels to find the show, but I don't think Canada is lucky enough to air this gem.. not just yet anyway. Thick eyebrows are always the way to go.. love the photoshopped ones too!
p.s. I love Winston.

[Sean]

I think her mood depends on her make-up. Actually - make that 'determines'.

[Blair]

Once again, this shit is solid gold. It's better than Crack Cocaine. I heart FOURFOUR!