Janice Dickinson is better at being a gay man than anyone else on TV. This much we probably already knew. However, it became clearer with this week's episode, in which Janice's modeling agency teams with fucking 2(x)ist underwear (the faggiest way to cover dick this side of Jeff Palmer) that JDMA is simply the gayest thing on TV since Monroe's limp wrist on One Day at a Time Too Close for Comfort (I knew that -- really, I did!).
Seriously.
What...
...the...
...fuck?
And alternately:
What the cock?
Anyway, in bold below are a few of this episodes lessons on how to be your queeny best, by following the example of JanDick.
Stretch out your soft "a" sounds and punctuate sentences with "honey."
"Oh, we haaaaave models, honey." "Honey" is better than "Mary" -- keep things accessible for the kids.
Make sure to include at least one exposed ass in every episode of your show (however you define "show," even if it's lip synching for a friend in your living room).
But! Don't show everything -- keep up an air of mystery, no matter how arbitrary. Boys like mystery.
What made this ass worth censoring, while the one above it was able to shine its full moon? Hair? Redness? Swelling? We'll never know, but we'll always wonder. The important thing is that we're wondering about ass.
Similarly, what's going on here?
Letting it hang out? Rabbit's gotta breathe, I guess.
Refine the art of bitch by showing outward compassion...
...and then immediately retracting it when the back of he who is crestfallen is turned.
Aside 1: But really, Soren was pretty amazing this episode. First of all, this was his reaction to, "Can you tell me about your tattoo?"
Only a model would answer an essay question by caressing himself.
And then, he threw a fit when he wasn't selected for the 2(x)ist gig.
"I can't even, like, talk right now." No babe, and also, you can't even, like, talk right ever.
Oh, and the result was Janice's faggy and faux consolation, which gave her the opportunity to inform us that she, "had to eat, sleep and shit...homelessness!" Fabulous!
Sit like lady, no matter what's going on around you.
Though I do admit that sparring with her son about her tits constantly hanging out does throw a wrench into the Janice-is-a-gay-man theory.
Channel Edie Beale
Duh.
Find fuckability in Ev. Ry. Thing.
"Y'know garbage men are really hot." So I'm guessing that in addition to eating, sleeping and shitting, she also fucked homelessness?
Aside 2: That TJ guy is so plain, but so cute, right?
Plain, cute, and don't forget gayish!
Dance in public!
Say queer, over-the-top shit like...
"It was a crowded room and the only way to really show off the package was the top of the table top so that they could look like the Greek gods they are!" and "This is the best underwear line existing. 2(x)ist!"
Aside 3: How many times a day do you think Nathan jerked off while he had the house to himself?
My guess is six, minimum.
And so, in sum:
Gay.
Gay.
Gay.
Finally, if you have a hard time following these tips to fagulosity, if your faggotry needs to be kicked up, follow the example of 2(x)ist's Jason Scarlatti:
Toss the phrase "so statuesque" into a sentence. That should sort you right out.
sounds like janice and florrie have a lot in common...
Posted by: coot | June 29, 2006 at 10:15 AM
I KNOW! Janice "Dick-in-scene" (OMG did I just coin that?!) is waaaaaaay faggier than me.
Posted by: Gayest Neil | June 29, 2006 at 10:22 AM
Hmmmm.... I'm over here trying to think of the show Monroe was actually on. It was the Ted Knight show, but I forgot the name.
And I'm so mad I missed this.
Soren needs his own show where he walks around in his briefs.
Posted by: nOva | June 29, 2006 at 10:25 AM
Monroe was on Too Close for Comfort...where he played the gay guy living in the attic.
Posted by: Omar | June 29, 2006 at 10:30 AM
This show is so trashy.. I effing love it!
Posted by: Luv | June 29, 2006 at 11:16 AM
you are so funny.
you've got me reading recaps of a show that i don't even watch.
wow.
Posted by: summer | June 29, 2006 at 11:44 AM
What the cock is being inserted into my every day vocab as we speak.
Um. Im sorry that last sentence was unintentionally dirty.
Maybe you could see sac in those photos.
No one really needs to see sac on tv.
The california raisins were bad enough.
Posted by: brandy | June 29, 2006 at 11:56 AM
ha ha ha! We call her Janice Dick-insert here in sf! Lovesit!
Posted by: ric ray | June 29, 2006 at 01:15 PM
I don't know if I could bear to watch an all-Janice all the time show. Thank you for watching these delicious shows and reporting on them.
Also, you saved my life whenever I missed an episode of ANTM. So thank you. If you ever need a kidney or something, just email me and I'll see what I can rustle up.
Posted by: christine | June 29, 2006 at 01:27 PM
She's stocked on crazy, JD just needs a brooch on her head to really emulate Edie Beale.
"This is my revolutionary costume. I think this is the best outfit for the day" Bitches.
Posted by: lil edie | June 29, 2006 at 02:29 PM
What is up with TJ's dick? We need to see this thing sans underwear. We'll at least I do. And I was hoping you would point out JD's fascination with garbage men. Thank you. She practically chased one down the street last time and now she's almost humping them on the street corner. Fabulous show. Just fabulous!
Posted by: Abrego | June 29, 2006 at 02:59 PM
All I can say is that thing must be huge.
Posted by: kelicious | June 29, 2006 at 03:12 PM
You know he stole "so statuesque" from Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar.
Janice is working harder at being a gay icon, because she knows that if she gets the gays behind her she can work forever! Gays support their people. As broke down as she is right now, Whitney Houston can probably sell out a Pride event right now - ESPECIALLY a black pride event.
Posted by: Shawn | June 29, 2006 at 07:25 PM
I definately gotta start watchin Oh!
Posted by: destinych3 | June 29, 2006 at 08:11 PM
Two words: sock penis.
Posted by: bettiwettiwoo | June 29, 2006 at 10:39 PM
this is my favourite blog. you are a funny funny dude.
Posted by: | June 30, 2006 at 04:13 AM
A tad off topic, but I know, Rich, that since you love the crazy ladies, you won't want to miss this one. She's a conservative political blogger and her first attempt at a videocast is priceless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyiJ6RIgMMg
Posted by: LAS | June 30, 2006 at 12:22 PM
Everytime I come here I'm just going to type "Oh Rich I love you!" LMAO - You make my day everytime you post something new.
Posted by: Angelsoulnme | July 01, 2006 at 07:03 AM
Adding my own Aside: Did anyone else find the third model creepy? The one with the almost mullet from Utah? I suspect you did Rich because he's featured only in one screen cap above.
Posted by: Vanessa | July 01, 2006 at 09:15 AM
all i could stare at that whole episode was tj's green...... yeah.
Posted by: dgp | July 01, 2006 at 01:59 PM
I love it! I cannot wait until Project Runway recaps start.
Posted by: Blair | July 01, 2006 at 06:49 PM
^^ Can we just stay in the moment and enjoy today's dish?
Let's simply digest the goods Rob generously has to offer today without thinking about what's next.
Practically two whole weeks until PR...cool ya jets.
Posted by: Marie | July 01, 2006 at 10:25 PM
That model boy's dick was poking out during the entire party! I guess he was pretty excited to be there. And they edited out the part where Janice, true to form, climbs up on side of the wall and breaks whatever it was she was standing on. Classic.
Posted by: Andrew Der | July 02, 2006 at 03:35 AM
You're absolute class Rich! I don't even bother watching telly anymore; I just read what's happened on your blog ;)
BTW, for some reason TJ reminds me of a young pre-Posh Spice David Beckham...
Posted by: Kiley | July 02, 2006 at 05:30 AM
I love it!
Posted by: Kenneth | July 02, 2006 at 11:59 AM