Oh, NFAG. I'm beginning to like the sound of that!

If I want to be surprised, I'd sooner go poking around my underwear (you guys awake?) before turning to pop music. And yet, as I squint at the summer before me, I'm already having a series of shut-my-ears-and-say-it-ain't-so moments. Among them:

• The new Beyoncé blows! At this point, I wouldn't depend on the ever-evolving Bey for even jelly, but come on with this "Déjà Vu" shit! Funny title as I can't even remember how it goes.
• The new Xtina doesn't! Ah, such a brilliant move it was to give her an arrangement so swift that she can't get a syllable of melisma in edgewise.
• The new Nelly Furtado album is great! If there's one thing I hate, it's a poseur, and I spell "Nelly" with a capital P. You know, she raps a lot for a Canadian. Moreover, any album containing the couplet "I do like sports / But I don't like wearin' shorts" would normally be blacklisted from my ears without question, but getting caught up in the details seems silly (and, I should add that Nelly does redeem that gaffe rhyme in just seconds with the simple wisdom of "Everybody looks good in good lighting," because it is so. true.). And, in fact, I'd argue that Nelly's posing is exactly what makes Loose so great -- she's so eager to be cool that she'll do anything a clearly re-energized Timbaland guides her to. The effect is Love. Angel. Music. Baby. '06 as performed by someone who can actually sing. My favorite track, "Do It," is a post-freestyle, late '80s throwback that's just urban enough. Its unwillingness to commit to softness or edge makes it recall Paula Abdul or Taylor Dayne -- it is quintessential dance pop, and perhaps the finest thing that makeshift genre has ever been blessed with. Believe it or not, that's a compliment.
• Kirk Franklin is greater! And here's the whole point of this exercise in surprise. I never thought I'd like a Kirk Franklin song, much less grapple with whether one was my single-of-the-year-so-far, but that's exactly what I'm doing with "Looking for You." A full-bodied and fiesty choir takes on Patrice Rushen's "Haven't You Heard" (among my favorite disco songs ever) and maybe even makes it better. Franklin's Franklinisms don't even bug ("Don't you know that!" he endearingly leads into the chorus almost every time), as he lift's Rushen's piano riff wholesale and puts enough stomp behind it all to make you wonder if he's actually cool with the gays (and besides, don't you have to suck cock to be able to work a whistle like that?). This is shaping up to be a hit and that's just fine with me -- if there's one thing R&B radio is missing it's exuberance. It's the downside of the culture of cool, but "Looking for You" has enough might-as-well-be-id-driven joy to make up for years of dearth. Jesus you aren't (Jesus you aren't), Jesus you aren't my sunshine after the rain, but you make a fine subject for a disco track. No chopped liver there.

And here I thought I never wanted to hear "Stickwitu" again! Oh well, at least it sounds sweeter coming from Jan's lips. But, uh, that's about the biggest compliment I can give to "Call On Me" (you've heard it, right? If not...). The fact that I didn't open this post with my thoughts on this (perhaps my most anticipated single of the year) should tell you just how underwhelming it is. It's nice enough and, actually, better than I'd expected when I heard that Nelly would be her duet partner (he barely registers a 2 -- that's eye-roll-worthy -- on the annoyance scale). Jan gets in some of those trademark pillowy vocals (during the song's bridge, the only time the track achieves greatness, a solo Jan does a call and response with an assonant choir of herself) and Jermaine Dupri's 808-sounding beats do nothing to batter her virgin-whoriness. Speaking of those, this is clearly a bid for her "We Belong Together" -- instead of opening 20 Years Old with a banger, they skip the comeback sleeper ("It's Like That") and go right for the mega-hit. I can hear it now, Janet's hushed and saccharine, "Oooh, Daddy, make me a Mariah!" Dupri, of course, obliges, but it's the rare foolish business decision from him. The fact is that Jan isn't Mariah. It's not just the summer that's before us, but a major dance-music comeback in R&B (check how those tempos are increasing, how everything's sounding more and more electro, how even the South is getting into it by basing a subgenre, snap, around dancing). Janet could have brought that comeback over the top and owned it. But instead she went the safe route. Sadly, she probably isn't even embarrassed to be shown up by this one:

It's funny that when Ciara emerged, she was known as the "queen" of crunk 'n b -- she's since evolved into a princess of the dance-music persuasion. Her latest, "Get Up" (and, yeah, I suggest bookmarking Delfino-inc, my No. 1 supplier of new commercial shit) is a perfect blend of her personas -- it's a big, electro stomper (a la "Step") with a hook like "Goodies" that's virtually undetectable on first listen (it becomes clearer the more you listen, and it's really worth immersing yourself in this one or just wait for radio to do it for you as it's going to be massive). Is this coy hooking subtlety or just a lack of personality? I tend to think it's the latter (Ciara emerged at a time when the diva was an endangered species -- since the diva's always bigger than her songs and Ciara's function is to emit as little personality as possible so as not to get in the way of her songs, I've always thought of her as the anti-diva). But even if she's just a bland girl, her music isn't and via it, she is at the forefront of R&B's re-embrace of dance music. I wouldn't go so far as to call her Lisa Lisa, but I'd say she's a solid Debbie Deb. That's more legacy than anyone could have possibly expected from her and, if you don't even like that, at least it shows that the wrong girl covered "Lookout Weekend."

And, uh, speaking of dance music...

I'm going to tell you a secret: I'm madly in love with Madonna's "Get Together," and, in fact, have been since first listening to Confessions on a Dancefloor. It's the sole bright spot on the album for me (which I noted way back when, but perhaps not enthusiastically enough), and by far my favorite thing she's recorded this decade (its idealistic message is perfectly suited the the now-quaint filterdisco format -- for these five minutes, yes, I believe that we can change the future). You know, I rag on her a lot because I find that she and her fans take her way too seriously (it hurts me that my gay brothers are so quick to roll over and play sheep in her presence without even a moderate attempt at discerning -- the notion that homos have superior taste is an utter myth), but at the end of the day, she makes pop music and I love pop music. Of course I've been seduced by her work. Her first album still sounds great (I mean, hello?!? Reggie Motherfuckin' Lucas!), I think she's at her best as an anonymous post-disco diva (hence the "Get Together" love!). "Into the Groove" and "Spotlight" are amazing (I mean, hello?!? Jellymotherfuckinbean) and Masters at Work's house mix of "Erotica" is among the duo's best work. I also love "Sky Fits Heaven" from Ray of Light, but as I tend to resist the smack-your-head-against-this-one-note-bassline feel of that kind of pop trance, I think my affection for the track has to do with hearing it at Twilo's Curfew party, my first gay outing (way before I was out). That is to say that even I can't resist Madge-spun nostalgia. Not that anyone was clamoring for an update ("Rich, we're dying to know you think of Madonna this week!"), but I just thought it was dishonest not to note that the happy-hopeful "Come Together" owns (as do many of its remixes). Shame about that iPod commercial of a video, though.

And now, to cleanse the tickled-purple palate, here's something butch...

...or something like that! Wine-O's "Pop My Trunk" is perfectly understated Southern rap -- from the steady 808 that provides virtually the only instrumentation (besides a dive-bombing sound -- how's that for melody?) to the fact that you really can't tell what Wine-O or guest Paul Wall it talking about (I think to pop one's trunk is to show off one's grill, although wouldn't that be to pop one's hood?). Wine-O's voice is low and amazingly so -- it sounds like it comes already screwed. Wine-O, by the way, is an alias of Nuwine, a "gospel rapper" who's released about half a dozen praisin' albums. Love the new name -- what says newly secular like being drunk on Communion wine?

Throwback of the week: Answering Service "Call Me Mr. Telephone"

After years of not getting what the fuss was over this track, I'm finally rocking this beat to the funky beat thanks to it being cleaned up and included on the brilliant Confuzed Disco: A Retrospective of Italian Records, which is now neck-and-neck with Destination: Boogie as my favorite compilation of the year. What finally hooked me was exactly what was supposed to: the hook! That disembodied female voice sounds more automatic than the Pointer Sisters and just keeps going and going (the dorky rap only adds to the fun). From what I understand, this was played on Chicago radio during the early house days. Why, then, if a considerable amount of Americans have been exposed to it, has it not once been sampled (at least, according to The-Breaks.com, it hasn't)? Are you listening, anyone? Someone get on that, now, or I will. And trust me, you don't want that.

Comments

[Noah]

I LOVE the Nintendo-esque (Mega Man II?) sample in Do It.

[Lizzy]

I've been holding off on getting that Nelly F. album because I keep thinking it will suck even though I like what I hear, but maybe I will actually have to get it now. And so goes the walk of shame at the indie record store.

[Nick]

Fuck this Nelly Furtado crap. Did you know that Timbaland just got out of the studio with Björk??? O-to-the-GOD.

[Foxy]

The Beyonce continues to grow on me. Smoke more. That bridge after Hov finishes, where she sings her face off while singing about how obsessed she is, gets me every time.

And if one more person talks about how Nelly Furtado is putting on this act, I am going to kill myself. Please see her previous work with Timbaland on the Turn Off Da Lights remix the Get Ur Freak On remix, and Miss Thing's "Ching Ching" to see she is not a poseur - she actually fancies herself to be this eclectic.

And k-OS is a really good Canadian who raps. Recognize.

[Foxy]

Ms. Jade. Not Miss Thing. Oops.

[Foxy]

Although, really, same difference.

[Rich]

I know and dislike those songs. She was a poseur then and she's a poseur now! She is so not down, but that's cool.

[ETS]

I didn't like the Beyonce time the first time I heard it. I loved it the second time. I'm just realizing how lyrically challenged the girl is.

Loved the Nelly/Gwen callout. I'm like am I the only one who feels like they're pimping hip hop culture? I guess they said, "All of ya'll are. I might as well."

Love the Christina. She really is coming into herself more. I

Can you post a clip of the Patrice Rushen single? I keep hearing references to it, but I've never heard it.

I think Janet's lazy. I think she's just tired of having to bring out the hot sh*t and feels like her legacy should be set. And while she might be pseudo-right, she should have gone out with a bang and then we could have seconded her sentiments.

OMG, I ALSO always thought that Ciara's hits were about the music and not her! I felt like had I walked by the studio when they recording 1,2 Step, it could have been MY hit!

[david]

thank you for giving some love to GET TOGETHER. a true M classic... and sorry, but the JANET song blows. after hearing her "cats in a blender" version of WEEKEND i was really excited; would J throw down some old school, free-style, Cover Girls inspired jams? i can't believe we got a deflated PCD re-tread for the debut single of what is clearly her most important album... she hasn't had a hit since SOMEONE TO CALL MY LOVER, or a bonafide SMASH since ALL FOR YOU. ciao, J...

[bobeotm]

The new Janet Song is ok, but not by any means a standout song. Yet since the album isnt released until september, she may have a few tricks up her sleeves. It's obvious to everyone (probably including her) that she will need another single before then. Maybe she is saving a more impactful, and hopefully a more dance driven track. Let's be honest, what is a Janet album without at least a handful of dancable uptempo songs? Even the ill faited hip-hop influenced Damita Jo had its fair share of songs to choreograph dance sequences to.

As for Madonna, she is no Teflon-Don. Her answer to the requisite "I can't shoot a video because I'm on tour" video is a step up from the alternative (random concert clips shoddily edited together).

I love Ciara, but its a restrained love. Because I know she is just a product of wll chosen producers and clever marketing. Her voice is just as weak as Janets, but no where near as enjoyable. I guess the reason why is that Ciara considers her vocals on par with other post Aaliyah RnB girls when they are most certainley not. She fills her albums with standard rnb songs better sung by other singers, dotted with only a couple songs that capitalize on her vocal quirks. Janet has always seemed aware that her voice isnt a jack of all trades, so she and her producers craft songs friendly to her voical style.

So for my two cents, I give Ciara's producer a thumbs up, Ciara herself a big "blah". I give Janet a "sigh" for a decent, but safe first single that will hopefully be followed up with a stronger song (its been her strategy to do this since "Janet", the exception being All For You). I give Madonna a thumbs up, considering she spared us from the horror of a concert vid.

[AntBee]

Rich, you are the greatest find on the internet! Thanks so much for hooking us up with Delfino-inc! I truly love that Kirk Franklin song, and loved it even more when Patrice did it.

[brandy]

I have been liking the singles from "Loose" thus far. We watch a british show called "Pop World" and she was on. I don't know if she was messed up on something or what but she could barely form a sentence in real life.
Every time I hear "Maneater" it gets stuck in my head for a good while.

This is going to be the album of the summer.

[Leila]

I do rather love Kirk Franklin. Have you heard "Thank You"? It's pretty awesome.

[sonny]

Rich, you crack me up! I agree with the Beyonce song, it stinks. Xtina has grown on me (just listen to it over and over and it will brainwash you).

BTW, props for the correct usage of the word melisma. :)

[xnowhereboyx]

I heard that new Xtina jam last Friday and I kept waiting for it to get good. And waiting. Interesting concept, sloppy execution.

Is "Get Together" the one where it sounds like the sticky keyboard strings from PSB's "West End Girls"?

One of my good friends is a JJ freak, and he said the new track is worse than "Look Out Weekend".

In closing, to quote ETS: "Love the Christina. She really is coming into herself more." I'd like to be coming into herself more, too... (And scene.)

[Xavier]

Lemme just preface my comments by saying that I am a ride-or-die loyal Janet fan from back in the day. Aside from her "Paris Is Burning"-worthy strut in the "Son Of A Gun" video, I haven't truly gotten excited about anything she's done in quite some time. And with JD and Virgin shouting from rooftops aplenty for the last several months about how Janet was gonna be comin' back with some straight fiyah, I was giddy that my girl was gonna let these lil' young bitches know that "momma still got it". And then "Speed It Up/Put It On Me" leaked --- not bad, but Jan's all "nope, that's not the single." And then we were gifted with "Weekend" --- an odd choice, for sure, but Jan was again all "nope that's not the single either." Now, a month after an ill-advised semi-obscure freestyle cover, the song that heralds her return and announces that "ol Jan's still got it" to B. "Imma Throw Shade And Put My Shit Out A Week Before Yours" Knowles and her ilk turns out to be...some rinky dinky half-assed slow jam/children's lullaby featuring the "singing" talents of a rapper one notch above Chingy on the corny totem pole?!?!!?

I am sooooo angry at her right now!!! While I dig "Deja Vu", it could easily have been upstaged if Jan had come with some heat for the first single. And there's absolutely no excuse for getting upstaged by Ciara!!! The minute I heard the Nelly/Timbaland tracks that would become "Loose" earlier this year I said to myself, "this is the kinda shit Janet needs to be all over."

Alas, "20 Years Old" seems to be doomed as it becomes painfully clear that the project is being shaped and spectacularly mishandled by a clueless producer/boyfriend, a middle-aged fat cat out-of-touch producing duo, and some record execs who haven't succefully A&R'd an album since Shanice's sophomore outing.

Please prove me wrong, Janet. I beg of you...PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG!!!!!!!!!

[bobeotm]

Janet still has a chance to pull a second single from her hat. No one, not even her, expects this song to last until september, so she will at least have another chance to knock one out of the park. After all, "Damita Jo" fell victim to a slow jam single, but in the wake of "Nipplegate" not even "Dance All Night" could rectify the situation.

The "let the 2nd single be the hit" strategy only works if the album is far enough off that the second single is out right before the album release. It worked for Mariah, it worked for the Janet album, and it could be the strategy being used here. How many people remember or even liked the first single off of Mariah's latest album? I sure like "Call on Me" better than that crap.

I didnt talk about Beyonce's new song I realize. It's ok, at the beginning, but by the time you get to the bridge its a mess. Here voice is so loud and strained it makes you cringe. Its like she just loses control of her volume by the end of the song. AND I SWEAR, IF I SEE THIS SONG ACCOMPANIED WITH YET ANOTHER PERIOD VIDEO, I WILL EXPLODE. I am so tired of every artist doing a video in the roaring 20's! Give that mess a rest.

[cinderelli]

Ok, you REALLY do know what's up- Kirk Franklin?!!!! He's totally p-diddy of gospel, adlibing uselessly all over tracks but you're right about that Looking For You. I never thought I'd say it but it IS awesome! and I love you for knowing that.

[Rich]

For ETS and those who don't know the splendor of "Haven't You Heard": it's now posted in the Kirk Franklin section.

[shakethatthanglikeasaltshaker]

okay, so I LOVE pop my trunk! It reminds me of the catholic school dances growing up in new orleans. it is everything I cherish about being a southerner who thinks everyone else just doesn't get it. I REALLY want to find some circa 1993 bounce music from new orleans for you: tt tucker and dj herb (or something like that) is really what you need to hear.

[Keisha]

Rich, although I agree w/ your love of "Looking for You" I'm sad that you caught on like, a YEAR late. You're usually on top of your stuff! (I mean, even though you like vintage stuff, you've liked it forever, so that counts, right?) Anyway, that's the JAM. On another note, the Scott Storch track is BUMPIN on that new DMX, but DMX is so far gone in his own mind, and that beat feels odd attached to a "gospel" song...idk. I can't tell how I should dance to it, so I just haven't.

Also, the Christina single...not feeling it so much. I guess I'll have to listen again and see. "Deja Vu" is also underwhelming to me, but I know it'll be EVERYWHERE, so at least I've braced myself. I <3 "Get Up" but yeah, Ciara is just kinda the face to the music. I completely agree w/ ETS though, anybody that could pseudo-sing could have been Ciara!

Moving on, "Pop My Trunk" is a southern thing... Anyway, it has to do w/ the bass in the trunks, and the ppl that ride around w/ their trunks open, so as to hear the bass better and to see the actual systems back there. (However, I'm no expert, but that's just from what I've seen/heard in S. Tx).

Lastly Paul Wall is a MASTER of imagery! (no sarcasm) I mean, his line in Pop My Trunk:

-I'm somethin like a titty dancer, 'cause my car is topless-
GENIUS!

In, "Holla at Me Baby":
-I got the INS on my tail/Immigration still harass/'cause they see me in a foreign/ridin on imported glass-
-Leave a bitch back all nutty like an almond joy-
The marks of a true master...(and I'm not just talking figuratively - j/k!)

You gotta <3 Paul Wall, team chunk and all.

[Keisha]

My brother also alerted me (as I had forgotten) that "Pop My Trunk" could also be synonymous w/ hustling, i.e. (his example, not mine) "Let me pop my trunk and sell you a toaster."

[Rich]

It's true, it's true, I'm late on the Kirk Franklin. But, in my defense, I'd never seek something like it out -- I'm radio's prey in this case.

[Foxy]

To follow up, I never said those earlier Nelly/Timbaland collaborations were GOOD. But they do show she has been trying to work this vibe for a while now. Except she finally got it right.

[Stephanie]

Rich, we were separated at birth, at least when it comes to musical taste. Hating the Beyonce track. (I want her to take a one year sabbatical. Let us miss you, B!) Janet's attempt at We Belong Together Part 2 is horrible. First of all, it's already been done (Don't Forget About Us) and second of all, Janet can't sing. I also agree with your take on Nelly's album. Pure FIYAH. Makes me anticipate what Tim has done with Justin. And I love, love, love Get Together. It's the only track on Confessions that I rewound the first time I played the CD.

The only thing I disagree with you on is X-tina. I'm not feeling that single AT ALL.