What the crap?

Take these girls...

...plop them in this setting...

...let some flashes go off in their faces, and you have Canada's Next Top Model. Or, as I like to call it, Fug and Shrubs.

Thank god I don't really have the technological capacity to do full-on recaps of this because I think it'd cause my DVD drive to die. Of boredom. God help RiceCrispy of Crispy's Corner who is, in fact, doing screenshot-based recaps of this. I hope she has a living will.

Make no mistake: I'll be watching, via YouTube (thanks to all who gave me the heads-up on the first episode's posting), sneering all the while and trying not to feel culturally superior. I mean, come on: Jay Manuel was used as an incentive to watch the first show. In the U.S., we watch it despite his presence!

CNTM's main problem so far (after one episode) is that it conflates pettiness with tedium. Yeah, any NTM is going to be full of insignificance (that's the fun), but for the love of TyTy, give us something to sink our teeth into! Seriously, Andrea, I don't care that no one has ever told you that you're beautiful. It's meaningless unless you work at Wallgreen's, have a tendency to sound like Jan Brady and plan on getting to know what Italian sensuality really means. I'm talking about downtown. You, my little horsey, are no Shandi.

And that's to say nothing of how cheap this shit is! I mean, look at a few samples from the first episode's photo shoot:

They're made to be rocker chicks. Yeah, as in rock and roll. If the UPN is government cheese, this is smegma.

In other news, my two favorites are the black girls. Imagine that!

I also love love LOVE Sisi.

This screenshot (courtesy of Crispy) depicts her initial pose for Jay Manuel's Polaroid. The fish look is burning up runways in Milan as I type. Didn't you know? The girl's got instinct! (Forward to the 4:06 mark here to see her in action, and then go to the 1:50 point here for Sisi's photo-shoot hilarity -- I tried to assemble a Sisi highlight reel, actually, but the video files were in the wrong format. Fucking Canadians.)

Oh, and the judges are bland, too. Except for Stacey McKenzie.

She looks like someone who smelled bad next to me on a bus once. Not a specific person really, maybe just someone who would have smelled bad next to me.

She has this bizarre shiny-matte thing going on, and her skin otherwise appears to be raw, slimy and in many shades of pink and red, as though she is upholstered in vagina. Needless to say, I'm very interested in her.

Finally, there's the host Tricia Helfer. I think committing herself to an industry that requires absolute thinness was really only way she could live a comfortable life, lest she be dubbed "Tricia Heffer."

But no cow is she, just bull. Seriously, Heff, if you're gonna copy Tyra's spiel and her slowness-equals-tension method of delivery, get it right. It's not "standing in front of me," it's "standing before me." And it sure has hell isn't "still in the running to become [whichever] Next Top Model." It's "towards becoming." It's right when it's wrong. Get it right or go back to your own country!

Oh wait.

Comments

I was wondering if you were going to mention anything about CNTM. Hilarious recap. I'm still watching it, though (via youtube), it's going to help me get through my ANTM withdrawals.

[Will]

How many others countries have NTM? I feel sorry for our neighbors up north.

Rich have you ever gotten into Big Brother? It has all the fighting and backstabbing of Real World/ NTM and Survivor. Check it out this Wed. on CBS.

[j0shy]

i watched cntm last night and throughout the whole tedious thing, i thought of three words: W.T.F?!

i mean, their first photoshoots don't even look creative! i think it helps AMERICA's NTM that tyra tries to be a psychologist at times...whatever, i didn't think cntm was going to be THAT much of a disaster.

and i LOOOOOOOOVE your regular recaps of antm! it's like non-stop laughter entertainment. thanks!

[TAYENYC]

Completely dead over the smegma commment. Seriously Rich, I was in the middle of eating salmon, and you know the secretion in some salmon already looks mad suspect...so I pretty much choked while reading this.

Also, Stacey McKenzie used to be the fiercest bitch, what happened? We were just talking about her the other day and wondering what happened. Ughh.

To quote 50:
"Damn homie, in high school you were the man homie, what the fuck happened to you?"

[deeyou]

please oh please review Janice's new show!

[Alex]

Ok, I am from Toronto and CNTM is a disgrace to the TONS of beautiful girls in this city. Not only are there like 2 pretty girls on the whole show, but the biggest town any of them come from is Thunder Bay. I don't even know where that is excedpt it's a bit north of here. It's funny and low budget, but I just wanted to let you know we are laughing right along with you, definitly not taking this show seriously.

[gayestneil]

JDMA.

[Rich]

Oh yes, of course! I mean, just as ANTM isn't a barometer for the U.S., I know that CNTM isn't one for Canada.

Glad we can all share in the laughter. Derision is the universal language.

Ok.. I don't know whether I should say this but Rich you can download the tv shows to your computer and play them like regular files. Via Torrents.. its amazing...if you do a search for CNTM you will find the first eposide. Much better then Youtube. Trust me.

http://torrent-finder.com/show.php

[LurkerNan]

Please, oh please continue to snark on CNTM. I was hoping you'd start bagging on it after the end of ANTM, especially since it has so much material to snark on.

[ekar]

on behalf of all Canadians I apologize for this crap masquerading as a reality show. It should be called "Canada's Next Walmart Model" or something. I couldn't even watch all of it. It wasn't Fashion, it wasn't high class, it wasn't fierce. It actually made me appreciate Tyra and her drag-queen like persona. I think they must have only had a $50 budget or something because I made better productions in my highschool drama class!

[Brandy]

Rich- I warned you that it would be low budget and that the girls would be boring.
One of the major problems is that casting for CNTM wasn't well publicised, it's filmed in British Columbia which probably explains why half of the girls are from there.
I'm pretty sure that first photo shoot was done at Sears.
AND Ive seen Stacy M walking around Toronto and in person she was stunning.
AND I cannot believe you didn't say anything about Jeannie Beker who is a mess to top all messes.

To the person wondering how many NTM there are I have seen Britians, Austrailias, Swedens(didnt watch though) and Germany...so Im sure there are many more.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

dude, i'm Canadian and i ain't watching this shit. I know a lot of your regular commentators were browbeating you into recapping this, but as someone who loves you, i can only say run away, Rich! Run fast and run hard. As soon as i learned about the Vancouver (!) setting i knew there would be no point in watching.

And you're dead on about Jay being a factor that works against, rather than for, the show.
We can do better than this! Goddammit, McKenzie and Beker are capable of better!

[Brandy]

Oh yeah and its my birthday, so this is a fitting pressie, thanks!

[Neha]

Oh gawd! I'm sorry I asked. After watching the first episode I exhaled a massive sigh of relief that y'all would not be receiving this piece of national shame on your tubes. Fuck you, You Tube!

[Carly]

Welcome to the half-assed world of Canadian television, where 98.9% of its programming is their version of a popular American show so they can meet CanCon requirements. If there were no CanCon requirements, believe me - there would be no CanCon.

[Shonda]

"...upholstered in vagina."

God-DAMN, that is the single funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life.

[steve]

how could you not mention that the host ,stacey, is in the most amazing show on t.v.? BATTLESTAR GALACTICA . she is super fierce in that. i will try not to let this change my opinion of her.

[Keisha]

Of course this is gonna be terrible. It's CANADA. I've never even heard of Tricia Helfer before. Honestly...has anyone?

And lmao @ "upholstered in vagina." Lol, where do you come up w/ this stuff?

[Keisha]

Also, that Stacey McKenzie looks a lot better in her little profile than in that show itself. WTF? Why can't these "real models" adequately dress themselves or do their own makeup?

[Scary]

Is this a trannie contest? If so, there are way better looking ones selling ass on the street.

[chad]

"If the UPN is government cheese, this is smegma."

Your best line ever!! The rock n roll shots look like 90s school year pics or bad glamour shots from a mall in South Jersey.

[Jazzy]

The best is how awkward Tricia is when she flips over each photo to reveal a contestant. Watch it on the video...it's bizarre.

[pepper]

Tricia Helfer is stunningly, jaw droppingly beautiful on Galactica--shocking that they managed to make her look fug based on that screencap. Also, Helfer is, ahem, a bit brighter than our dear TyTy, so that might explain why she's a bit more grammatical with her line readings.

[Crazy about the girl]

Reading Stacie's profile, I realized I saw a lot of her in fashion magazines many years ago. She was really stunning back then - whatever happned to her? She went in for a little facial and they upholstred her in vagina?! The shame! Well, it happens...