A confederacy of dunces

Can you spot the irony?

Look closer (while considering that the name of this fine establishment is FreedomUSA):

Ah, the Confederacy lives! In FreedomUSA...in...Jersey? Having grown up in Jersey, I've come to expect anti-foreign language sentiment. But rebel flag swag? Really?

Maybe I was too immersed in reality TV to notice New Jersey's secession some 200 years late? Because, I ask, like apparently so few have before me: if your state was never part of the Confederacy, why in the blue fuck would you want to wear something with a rebel flag on it?

And, if you're a thinking person, why would you want to wear such a flag at all? Really, I'm curious. I can't offer you answers, but I can offer you options if you're convinced that the Battle Jack is the new black.

Good ole Jersey.

It all started so innocently, too, my immersion in, what seems to me, nostalgia for the days when black people weren't considered people. In New Jersey.

When we saw this undoubted future Daisy Duke early into our South Jersey vacation, the bf and I had no idea what we were in for.

We started catching on the next day, when we saw this:

Because, like most things, the way to show pride of your "heritage" is to immortalize it on foam that you're gonna end up rubbing your tits and/or genitals all over as you careen through God's brown ocean.

"Where do you even buy something like that?" the bf asked me. I didn't know.

But I would learn!

We visited Wildwood the next day. Wildwood is a body louse clinging to a sweaty shaft of hair in the Armpit of America that is New Jersey. This is, of course, its charm. Wildwood, like many costal resort towns in South Jersey, is home to a tourist-bating boardwalk. But Wildwood's boardwalk is unlike many of its neighboring counterparts. It's a massive, 38-block stretch that sports no fewer than five amusement parks and hundreds of crooked, carnival-type games (knock bottles over, get the ball in the basket, fill the clown's mouth with water to pop the balloon, etc.) complete with managing foreigners who harass anyone who walks by (and, no doubt, annoy everyone with those damn accents). Food is everywhere -- literally. It's being sold everywhere you look, it's on the boardwalk attracting seagulls, it's stuffed in the patrons' mouths. Perhaps the only source of commerce that's more present is that of the junky, "sundry"-cum-T-shirt shop. As a rough estimate, we'll say that there are an average of three of such places per block. If there are around 100 places to buy T-shirts (or 75, or 50 or whatever), I'd say that at least half of them have prominent displays like this:

We'll get to the actual content of the shirts in a bit (but really, "You wear your X...?" How fucking 15 years ago!). The point here is that this shit is everywhere.

Aggressively everywhere.

Incredibly, though I've visited Wildwood many times throughout my life, I'd never really noticed it before. I guess I was just walking around blindfolded, perhaps with one of these over my eyes:

Oh but there's more rebel-flag merchandise to be had in Wildwood. Things like...

...keychains...

...suncatchers...

...skateboards...

and, my personal favorite...

...hermit crab shells. I mean, why should hermit crabs be denied the chance to express their Confederate pride? That would just be cruel. I'm glad that someone's thinking about the crustaceans.

Besides, it looks great in its natural habitat, right?

I know that my pearl clutching may come off as overly politically correct. You know how I know this? A T-shirt told me.

I mean, what the fuck does that even mean? Historically accurate when? While playing dress up? While spouting off antiquated ideas? Historically accurate where? In the ass that you're talking out of? Isn't one of the main goals of studying history to learn about the mistakes of the past so that we don't repeat them?

I know those who are the type to wear T-shirts like the one above or those who put rebel-flag mudflaps on their 4X4s will defend the flag as not a symbol of slavery, but of heritage. But even if the Civil War was more about commerce than slavery, doesn't the effect of the South's intended outcome provoke the slightest bit of embarrassment in people? Big ideas of struggle aside, isn't the practical implication of such heritage to deny rights to blacks?

And really, to anyone who does fly the rebel flag with pride, I ask: do you willfully associate with black people and if so, what do they think of your expression or heritage? Do you care about black culture? How many albums by black people do you own? How many movies by black directors have you seen? How many books by black authors have you read? And, for that matter, how many books have you read, period?

Regardless of how the case for rebel-flag waving can be cooked to seem benign and neutral, many of these T-shirts aren't so fiddle-dee-dee about the old days. No, they're out to offend.

Is anyone surprised that "its" is missing an apostrophe?

You can check the displays above to revisit the whole "You wear your X, I'll wear my X," thing, the unabashed racialism of "Smart Ass White Boy" and the implied white supremacist statement of "If You Ain't Redneck, You Ain't Sheeit." Oh, and then there's this one, which I don't even think I have the capacity to fully understand:

It's just plain bizarro.

But what could the kid learn from his parents that a hermit crab couldn't teach him?

I should note that besides the two girls up top with the towel and boogie board, I didn't see anyone actually rocking any of this stuff. The fact that it's so available for purchase makes me assume that there's some sort of demand for it. But then again, maybe not. Any manager of a store who'd say, "Hmmmm, you know what residents and visitors of the once-UNION state of NEW JERSEY need? Rebel flag gear!" probably can't be counted on to understand something as complex as the law of supply and demand.

As potentially offensive as this stuff is in both nonchalant ("Oooh, look at how nice the red looks as the light goes through the suncatcher! Like blood!") and overt forms, the ubiquity of it is, in a way, hilarious to me. Certainly, if you view this material in the most offensive light -- as an endorsement of the dehumanization of black people -- it comes from a place of such ignorance and stupidity and ultimate powerlessness that it's hard to take seriously. There's very, very little weight behind it all. In this desperate, pitiful nostalgia, this willful ignorance, there's just a larger-than-life caricature of real human emotion. It is, then, kitsch.

But maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe I'm the ignorant one.

OK, fine. Give me one. Explain to me how this doesn't turn its back on humanity and progress. I'm all ears. Really.

Comments

[Tipsy McStaggers]

I live in Kentucky - welcome to my world Rich.

[Sumati]

Ugh.. my everyday life here in Mississippi! :P

[Diamond]

i'm kinda surprised jersey has this. and you said all of the right things in this blog.

i live in cali and praise white jesus i havent came across this nonsense.. surprisingly even when i went down to Miss. i didnt see that crap. maybe God was protecting me. but it does look really silly

but its funny that next to this shirt
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/images/assortedshirts2.jpg
i see the bob marly shirt that says "ONE LOVE!"... things that make you say "hmmmmmmmmm"

[Foxy]

I went to Wildwood last summer for the first time in ages. I, too, was astounded by the amount of weird, Redneck-y memorablia. Did you spot the place where you can shoot paintballs at Osama Bin Laden, or has that place closed since last year?

[Carly]

On vacation in the Bahamas last year, I saw an entire family wearing confederate flag gear, including a little girl - maybe six years-old - wearing a confederate flag one-piece bathing suit. This prompted the bf and I to look at one another and announce, "She's doomed."

[Linda]

Ohhh noooo. Why did you go to Wildwood?? WHY?

I've lived in the Jerz for 25 years now, and have only been masochistic enough to visit that town one time. *shudder*

[LauraGee]

Does the Jersey shore get a lot of tourists from the South? That would explain the supply and demand. Nothin' like going on vacation and coming back with a rebel flag insulated cup cozy.

[CMTG]

But...New Jersey? I just don't get it. I mean, sure, they don't call it South Jersey for nothing, but enough to create a demand for Rebel Flagwear?

Obviously this has simply got to be revolting, yet ignorant and hopefully benign, fallout from that awful Dukes of Hazzard movie. Um, right?

I guess the real question (and answer) is: How much NASCAR stuff did you see down there?

[Brandon]

Disgusting.

But to the commenter living in Kentucky: DO YOU KNOW ANNETTE?! OIGOGMGOMGO1!!!!

[Joan]

Stupid is as stupid wears.

Down here in Texas it's awful, but you expect it. Kentucky, Mississipi, sure. Jersey, though? I'm with you, Rich. I guess white people need a cultural identity bandwagon of some sort to jump on, even if it makes no sense whatsoever. (Btw, a high school in my hometown had to change their mascot from the Rebels to the Raiders a couple of years back and get rid of the stars and bars it had prominently displayed. People were so pissed.)

[mts]

oy, new jersey. why does my home state have to be so... stupid?

fun fact: cape may was below the mason-dixon line.

[Scout]

Does this mean we won't be seeing any pics of Winnie donning a Confederate flag, kitty neckerchief?

[Anika]

You said it with "willful ignorance." I also like Kathy Griffin's take on Southerners as having "aggresive ignorance."
Hey, I could burn that damn flag and as frothy as the morons would get, its really not an important symbol that warrants the attention our nation's flag gets with the same issue. While if you burn the real flag, you're saying something the rebel flag is just plain trash, burn it.

[Amber]

I'm from TN, and I have never heard of anyone around here going to the Jersey shore for vacation. So, I don't know why the Jersey shops would offer such tacky merchandise. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen such degrading slogans on t-shirts here in TN. Sure, I've seen people sporting the stars and bars on mudflaps and as decals on their trucks, but I've never seen anything like the Malcolm X or MLK jr. referenced shirts, even down here. I am a high school teacher, and shirts like those are against our school's dress code - thank goodness!

[Carl!]

Once again, thank you, Rich. Living in Virginia, I keep seeing those bullshit "Heritage not hatred" bumper stickers and I want to scream at their owners, "Heritage of WHAT, dumbass?! You're not fooling anybody, you know!"

[Saun]

That's some crazy shit. I'd expect that in the south but not in Jersey. Is confederate gear the new "in" thing? Maybe it's a new fad?

[Hateraid]

So ignorant. Great post Rich. I guess now I know why so many black people claim that racism is still prevalant in today's society. IT IS.

[mariaaaaa]

I'm from San Francisco, and back in the day when I was very, very little (late 70's/early 80's), white guys from the Richmond and the Sunset used to wear WPOD shirts. WPOD = White Punks On Dope, a song by the Tubes. I think they wore it to show "pride" I suppose, but it had a certain punk elan that seemed to transcend any racial overtones. But what the hell did I know, I was only 8.
When I was in Tennesee and Georgia I didn't see any of that confederate flag merchandise crap.
Anyhoo, I think the rebel shit in Jersey is the work of al-Qaeda (sp?). Stay with me here, people... the shop owners buy this bizarre shit to foster racial tension and thus de-stabilize the country. It's all very sinister and secret.
(Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, my "theory" is meant to be a joke.)
Thanks for an interesting story. Jersey?!

[Mel]

Wildwood is so trashtastic, I'm not surprised. It's like entering a world you never wanted to be in, but the depths of its trashiness makes it too fascinating to leave! I was able to purchase some fabulous, custom made hot pants there two summers ago that proclaim me as my husband's b-tch, right across my ass.

[Katie]

As a canadian I was shocked at all this, and me wonder are americans really that ignorant of their own history and heritage? Up in good old Canada we have plenty of redneck crap but nothing as offensive as this.

[Abby]

South Jersians were considered Confederate sympathizers back then. In fact, Monmouth County has the highest KKK activity of any county in the country. They usually meet in the Pine Barrens and start little fires just to be annoying.

I hate people like that. A kid in my World History class wore a shirt like that last one you had, and I got all pissy and yelled at him. He never wore it again. :)

~Abby

I went to T.F. South high school in a suburb of Chicago, and our mascot was the rebel. We flew the confederate flag until '98 or something, and we even had a guy dressed in a confederate soldier's outfit to play the mascot, Richie the Rebel. As far as I know, they're still the Rebels, but most of the un-pc paraphenalia has been taken away, thank god.

In the mid-to-late 90s when people started speaking out against all this, people defended it with "but hey, we're T.F. *South*! There's a T.F. North, so it's just, like, kitschy!" (The hilarious part is that T.F. North is the Meteors. Really completes the pair, don't you think?)

Somewhat relatedly, I went to college with guy from Pekin, IL. His HS mascot? The Pekin Chinks. Totally appropriate...

[brandy]

I've seen shirts like that for sale up here in Canada. My parents town has more than one apartment window that uses this flag as a lovely curtain. It makes me wretch.

I just don't understand anyone who would want to sell what that flag represents.

Rich, this was such a well written article, you are such a great writer.

[elb]

This is brilliant. I am not even shitting you.