Well, aren't we spoiled? A mere four months have passed between ProjRun seasons. As last week's premiere crept up, I noticed a few articles wondering if it was too soon. Bitches, please. Is it ever too soon to watch Heidi do this?
Clearly not.
It's not too soon, but not too late, either, to revisit some of our old favorites via the casting special. Before we get to the new guys, let's check in with...
The old
Oh, Nick. So youthful, so effervescent, so gif-able.
Who could top him? Well, anyone really. But what I mean to say is that I doubt anyone in the new cast will be so animated. Literally!
"Every actress that I meet, every musician that I meet wants to be a client of mine," brags Santino. I guess he isn't a millionaire yet because so many run screaming in the other direction.
These where-are-they-now check-ups are only going to get more painful as the seasons pile up, right?
"We're still airin' the show. And I still watch myself everyday on the show," reports Chloe from her store in Houston. Don't go holding on to former glory or anything, Chlo.
Also, since we last left Chloe, she apparently celebrated her 70th birthday, if her assessment of urban culture is an indication.
"Young hip-hop guy. R&B. I would totally think you're doin' yo yo yo," she says about Michael. Well, I never! She sounds like someone whose cultural touchstone for hip-hop is DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.
I don't remember if this footage initially aired at the start of Season 1, but when Austin described his designing style ("Very classic...ly feminine, but at the same time..."), couldn't he have just as easily been describing his appearance, sigh and all?
Oh...hi, Jay.
It's...um....
...nice to see you, too.
At the end of last season, I admitted to a small crush on the always-radiant Nina Garcia. I've decided that it's the cheekbones that do it for me. Because of these, Nina will be called Sweet Cheeks Garcia in these parts, until she gives me a reason not to.
And no, eye rolling will not dissuade me.
Michael Kors, you are a homosexual. I know this isn't a big deal (duh), and I know that you know, but I really really know.
But honestly, I had no idea how much I missed him till, about this dress...
...he busted out, "All right, so the slit's a little...I know what she had for lunch." Disgusting, nonsensical and brilliant, just as we've come to expect from the man.
I like Tim and all, but having his giant face scream, "Carry on!" at me every week in the show's intro is already testing my patience. That's like the way to ruin a catchphrase. Oooh, I just faced you Tim Gunn! Talk about a bitchslap!
Does Heidi "Big Old Boots" Klum, have a lazy eye?
Oh, and speaking of the opening sequence, I was really, really disappointed to find that she's saying "Fifteen contestants," instead of that "deeeeeeeeeeeee-signers" dolphin call that opened every episode last season. One less thing about Heidi to mock. No fair!
Oh well. For every door closed, another opens. Giggle, giggle.
Her laughter becomes music if you listen to it on a loop. Beautiful.
Before we get to the new contestants, here's a look at some of those who were clearly way too awesome to appear on this show. They aren't rejects, they're...exceptional.
"Literally, if you give me a sheep, I can give you a sweater," said this one. I wonder if she gives private shows?
Wow. Coryn from ANTM is back on TV and looking better than ever!
I call this one Lucy Braless.
Similarly, I call this one Lucy Balls.
And finally...
Margureite Perrin sure is hard up for attention, isn't she?
And now, we move on to...
The new
Though Tim Gunn disagreed, I thought it was really overachieving of Michael to bring samples he designed based on some challenges from last season.
I like Michael. I like the drawn out way he says "curve" and "yay" the most.
Not that I'm judging his dubious sexuality. Yet.
Besides, who needs guessing games when you've got Robert around?
"They wouldn't take me on Top Model 'cause I'm too short."
Tee hee.
OK, Rocky Wearsboa.
Oh, and rounding out this happy and gay block...
"No wire hangers ever!!!" says Kayne. Why, what ever could he be referencing? Seriously, quotes from Mommie Dearest are the wire hangers of gay culture. NO MORE!!!!
I was kinda sad to see Stacey go, as she's a total MILF-WING ("...Were I Not Gay").
"I have my four C's of building a brand in the fashion industry. They're courage, creativity, cash and celebrity," she said during her audition. She forgot a fifth: can't sew.
Ooooh, that's uh, that's quite special.
I have no idea how things are going to pan out for Katherine, but I sense that she's a pain in the ass: "I'm a really light sleeper, so as long as you guys don't snore, I should be good to go wherever." Way to put an easy-going spin on your special request. "Oh yeah, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. Other than that, I'm not picky at all!"
"I make clothes and accessories like women make babies," says Angela. I can't wait to watch her concieve and then pop one out every week. She needs stirrups like the other designers need shears.
Laura is clearly a force to be reckoned with. She has the right idea when it comes to her personal style: "I never dress down. I think that when you're 42-years-old and you have five children, it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a Minivan." Amen, sister.
But notice I said idea because even though she's often well put-together...
...come...
...on! Going out of your way to show off cleavage that isn't there is like bragging about the Rolex you aren't wearing. Cover it up, Lady Boss. It'll only make you hotter.
Oh, Vincent. It's as if Fozzy the Bear and Woody Allen's superego have mated. Poor guy.
Poor model, too. Really, when a lampshade just won't do to convey how plastered you are, wear a basket.
How 'bout that Jeffrey? I, like I'm sure many of you, wondered what his neck tattoo (a new addition to his life, as it wasn't there during his audition) says. With the magic of technology, I was able to zoom in and clearly read what it says:
Well, he is rock and roll, after all.
No, but really, the tattoo says something in Italian or Spanish and something about Detroit.
I think Lita Ford suits him better, but what do I know?
I also like what a dick Keith has already shown himself to be. Get used it it, guys, he ain't goin' nowhere. (On second thought, here is a possible spoiler.)
Alison's pretty adorable, right? The girl's a dreamer, though. When I hear her talk and tell stories, I can only imagine her doing so while on a unicorn in some misty and mystical land.
(Not that her butt's that big or anything.)
Bonnie, Uli and Bradley seem...nice.
And finally, we reach the man who is clearly the most special person in the world. I hate to be predictable, but I'm feeling Malan.
Malan Breton from Taiwan, who eats flan as he twirls his baton. He makes me wanna buy a pair of reading glasses to wear while I'm perusing the Sunday Times and sipping General Foods International instant coffee drink.
Fake accents, however, are apparently smiled upon by Buddha.
When the issue of his accent came up as the judges were choosing the finalists, Michael Kors desribed Malan as a "wack-a-doo."
Wack-a-doo or Rock-a-Doodle? You decide.
I have to say that I'm not fully convinced that Malan isn't just a character being played by Tim Curry.
Also, he might be Superman.
Just a few more things about the premiere episode:
The notable
1. I looooove the sadism of this week's challenge, which basically forced the contestants to tear up their living spaces and then go back and sleep amongst the ruin.
Since their garments were made from these materials and since it was the first challenge, I'm not going to really use their designs as any indication of what they're capable of (though I thought the Top 3 of Keith, Robert and Laura made sense, give or take a Michael). However, the challenge did suggest the drama that awaits them when Bradley attempted to claim the pillow Robert had brought from home.
"That's my pillow!" lisped Robert in retrospect. It really was shitty of Bradley to take it -- without a pillow, Robert wouldn't have anything to bite down on later.
Anyway, I hope Heidi and company keep the sadism coming. "Our next challenge will involve constructing a garment...out of your competitors' flesh!" You know Robert would be all, "Dibs on foreskin!"
2. Thanks for the iPod offer, Bravo, but no thanks.
Um, I don't want to know in the middle of the episode that one of these three will go on to be eliminated! Are they going to do this every week? Am I going to have to bury my head in my biting pillow during the commercial breaks?
3. Did you notice that Heidi's using the Bravo logo as a talk bubble in some of the commercial spots?
Cute.
4. And finally finally finally, guess who's back with a new haircut?
Hells yes, Hot Makeup Guy is looking, well, hot! Before I was treated to this split-second glimpse of him, I had the feeling this was going to be a good season. With him back in my life, I know it will be.
No, I don't believe in God, but I do believe in PR and PR recaps. Yay, Yay, Yay!!
Posted by: The Dane | July 17, 2006 at 01:19 PM
Yay! First post! Crazy Malan is my secret favorite and I can't wait to see Vincent lose his mind on national TV! Great recap as always Rich! Here's to another awsome season!
Posted by: Lisa | July 17, 2006 at 01:28 PM
Oh boo :(
Posted by: Lisa | July 17, 2006 at 01:30 PM
I am so happy you are recapping a show I genuinely enjoy to watch... though it seems not many people have picked up on "Either you are in, or you are out," which means I should probably wait to get my t-shirt made. However, Rich, I HATE NINA GARCIA! She has always been such an incessant bitch! I'm sorry, but with the occasional exception, I just don't think she bases her opinion on what she sees, I think she just picks on designers she doesn't like. Okay, that's it... let me shut up before I'm Auf'd.
Posted by: Bertram | July 17, 2006 at 01:35 PM
MILF-WING. So bests.
Posted by: bex | July 17, 2006 at 01:42 PM
I'm really attracted to Malan. I can't believe I just said that.
Posted by: Mer | July 17, 2006 at 01:43 PM
Hm. No mention of the surfacing Keith scandal?
I believe Malan just may be the best thing to happen to PR since Austin.
Posted by: Cote | July 17, 2006 at 01:50 PM
Oh man, I lost it with, "Also, he might be Superman." Ahhh, the genius. Stacey looked like a little turtle to me.
Posted by: liz | July 17, 2006 at 01:55 PM
I was having won ton in Siagon
with Malan Breton from Taiwon;
While I admit he has a certain elan,
I still smell a con.
Posted by: Aidan | July 17, 2006 at 01:59 PM
OMG Rich,
I have loser-no-life-style checked repeatedly for this blog and waiting was so...worth...it. Brilliant.
Posted by: Brent | July 17, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Hey Rich!!
ANDRE.. What happened to AAAANDRE???
How could you forget ANDRE!! And his second season premier episode, crying in front of the judges!! It's one of the best moments in Reality TV History!
Posted by: Mike @ MAO | July 17, 2006 at 02:09 PM
There are so many great lines in this recap!
"Margureite Perrin sure is hard up for attention, isn't she?"
"Quotes from Mommie Dearest are the wire hangers of gay culture. NO MORE!!!!"
"MILF-WING!"
"I have to say that I'm not fully convinced that Malan isn't just a character being played by Tim Curry."
"Without a pillow, Robert wouldn't have anything to bite down on later."
Ha ha ha!!!! I love you, Rich!!!
Posted by: Veronica Vinegar | July 17, 2006 at 02:11 PM
Rich - your recaps are as much fun as the show itself. "Rocky wearsaboa"? The keyboard is now soaked in the iced cap I just spit out!
Posted by: Tbone | July 17, 2006 at 02:13 PM
Aaaaahhh... it's good to back in the bosom of Rich's projrun recaps...
"I was really, really disappointed to find that she's saying "Fifteen contestants," instead of that "deeeeeeeeeeeee-signers" dolphin call that opened every episode last season."
HAHAHAHA - dolphin call!
By the by, someone said (on a previous post I think) that Malan looks kinda like Gary Numan, and I must concur. But I also think you're on to something - he DOES look like Superman via Tim Curry.
You rule, Rich!
Posted by: mariaaaaa | July 17, 2006 at 02:20 PM
Robert is the new Nick. They both designed for Barbie. Could it get any gayer?!
Ummm ... yes, Kayne designs for beauty pageants.
I've got Robert and Keith in my top 3.
Posted by: 11 | July 17, 2006 at 02:22 PM
you're the best! BPR loves you (and so do I)!
keep it up!
Posted by: Trish | July 17, 2006 at 02:24 PM
Love you, Rich, as always. Just brilliant. And yeah, totally agree w/ you on Chloe - has she never seen black ppl before? Even w/o the grill, he had to be all "yo yo yo" when he walked in? Come on now, they didn't ask her if she was bringing the shrimp fried rice and won ton soup!
However, I still love this show. I hope Michael keeps up the good work (that pink dress was HOT) and same for Robert and Keith...I just wanna know who does what to get kicked off!
Posted by: Keisha | July 17, 2006 at 02:30 PM
maybe laura wears clothes that show her entire chest because one of her 5 children needs breast feeding and she would rather just pop it out than actually get undressed.. I <3'd robert cuz he's funny... and I think vincent is like charles nelson reilly's lovechild with .. someone! good re-cap as usual
Posted by: Grant.. | July 17, 2006 at 02:32 PM
alls i know is, that LA guy's neck is thick enough to fit lita ford's entire CATALOGUE on, not just "kiss me deadly"....
great to have you back, rich.
Posted by: buzz | July 17, 2006 at 02:38 PM
I totally know what you mean by that Bravo commercial revealing the final three. What a capitalistic outrage. It's *only* so Apple can sell iPods...
Posted by: Jesse | July 17, 2006 at 02:53 PM
so love your recap, they are THE BEST!
Posted by: wilson | July 17, 2006 at 02:57 PM
I LOVE Robert and Laura. Robert is my type of guy ... big, beefy and a little nelly. I'm in gay heaven!!!
Laura is what I would strive to be if I was a straight female.
Love the postings on here!! :D
Posted by: Al | July 17, 2006 at 02:57 PM
Lita Ford neck tattoo = stunning enough to power me through my entire fricken' week. Bless you, sir.
Posted by: ian | July 17, 2006 at 03:04 PM
Love ya recap. But not diggin on these contestants. hmph.
Posted by: Gayest Neil | July 17, 2006 at 03:18 PM
Oh good!
The world makes sense again!
Good call on Vincent being a hybrid of Fozzy and Woody Allen.
Hilarious as usual and I WISH I could be this funny! Great job =)
Posted by: aj | July 17, 2006 at 03:24 PM