I know this world is killing you

She's dead, everybody!

DEAD.

(I wish I could take credit for that top image, but it was actually sent in by reader David Smith. I spontaneously ejaculated when I opened the picture, and I figured that was a good indication of its post-worthiness. I mean, look at the beautifully precise absurdity. Look at the unicorn. David Smith, I salute your genius.)

What are we gonna do now that our very own Rainbow Brite has ceased shining?

Anyway, Alison and I are in agreement that it sucks that she was kicked off. How do I know she's in agreement? She's been nodding emphatically at everything I say for days.

It's kind of nice, really, to have someone so agreeable in your life.

It's so ridiculous that after her first major fuck-up (and it really was a fuck-up, that whipped-cream dollop of an outfit), she gets thrown off when Vincent hasn't made anything impressive and Robert recently was told, after being in the bottom 2 twice in a row, that the judges believed in his talent. It doesn't even make sense in the reality of reality TV, as Alison made for fine viewing, all chuckle-worthy silliness and divine beauty.

Seriously, if we're assassinating on basis of character, why not throw off Kayne? He's not fun, just gay! Why not throw off Robert, whose voice is likely to lull you into a coma if it doesn't drive you crazy first. Why not throw off Jeffrey, whose routinely unclever criticism of his peers was already old during the first episode?

I'm not even going to talk much about the outfits, because they were all terrible. Except for Laura's, they all looked like thrown-together trash, though I don't blame anyone for failing to transcend such a tedious challenge.

Seriously, the bow was dumb...

...but so was the belt...

...and so, come to think of it, was Angela's gift-bag of a dress...

...and, really, so was this:

It's all relative. Alison should still be on the show.

1. But at least she got to go out adorably.

Some thought she was being cheeky when she told Laura...

"It's a good thing you have on your riding outfit, in case it's horses." I, on the other hand, think this was wishful thinking.

Also, this was cute...

"It was the morning time, and I was sitting quietly, humming the Sopranos song." You know that this is what the Sopranos song sounds like in Alison's head.

Ponies!

1.5 (BTW: You can see that I haven't switched audio-posting format yet -- it might end up being too much work to deal with an embeddable player, but we'll see. I'm still working on it.)

2. There have been a few comments over the season from JH about Vincent resembling Don Music, the Sesame Street Muppet who would bang his head against the piano when he'd inevitably fuck up. Yes, yes, now I see the resemblance.

(Fun fact: I was a Sesame Street junkie as a kid and Don Music scared the living shit out of me.)

3. Banging my head against anything and everything is what I want to do when Kayne and Robert are on the screen, particularly together.

"Let's trash talk someone," says Robert, i.e., "Let's be pointlessly bitchy queens!" You know, with Queer Eye floundering and Will & Grace off the air, I have to say that it's just so wonderful that we have these two picking up the slack and keeping the wannabe-clever-but-really-just-unfunny gay male persona on the small screen. Just when you thought the blogsophere finally had that market cornered!

"We're there in this big, huge warehouse in New Jersey, which feels like we've just woken up in some strange nightmare." Oooh! Cutting! What an analogy! Get it, because nightmares are bad? And modifying that with the word "strange" really gives you a sense of...strangeness. That's something nightmares rarely are. I just love getting inside Robert's head!

Ho ho! Did he buy that shirt in the homo section of Hot Topic?

And then there's Kayne, who was all shocked when Tim hated that strange nightmare of a dress he painted...

Please, "high school prom backdrop" was putting it nicely.

And then, to fix it...

"I've made a fairy costume." Uh, I guess. But to be fair...

...isn't this a fairy costume?

And isn't this blanket a fairy costume?

And isn't this waste-management uniform a fairy costume? It's all a fairy costume when Kayne's in it.

And, OK, it might seem like I'm just seeing their bitchy queeniness and raising it, but here's why I can't stand Robert and Kayne: they talk major shit when it's just the two of them (and Kayne has no problem hating it up on his own), but when it's all the contestants together, they're all, "Sush! No bickering! Be nice or leave." Bitches! Like when Laura dug into Vincent after Alison was eliminated. "Hey, hey, hey," said Robert, as though he's some purveyor of morality and dignity. Kayne jumped in with what's subtitled at the top of this post ("Let's just have a second to enjoy Alison in her last few minutes"). These two like to pretend they're above such earthly matters like arguing, when they're really just two overgrown mean girls.

OVER THEM.

4. Laura kicks ass, though, because unlike Robert and Kayne, she actually succeeds in her attempts to be smart and cutting.

I loved how when Heidi bid model Katie goodbye...

...Laura looked totally disgusted.

It could just be editing, or it could be that she's doesn't have time to invest emotional energy into affection.

Or Jersey:

"I have no idea where we're going. The weather's terrible. New Jersey looks as awful as it ever did." Ha!

Another thing Laura can't muster up the emotional energy for: Vincent.

"I think the guy's, like, completely wack. He's gonna crack any day now. He's not mentally stable."

She said wack! She is so down. Here's further proof:

(Download)

That might be my favorite three seconds of the season so far.

5. I also love that when Vincent got into it with Laura, he suggested, "Why don't you put some Harry Winstons up your nose? Huh?" Huh, is right. What could that possibly mean? It couldn't make less sense if he suggested she put hairy Winstons up her nose.

Nonsense.

6. Oh, and speaking of nonsense...

Brushing your face, huh? How...sanitary.

Also, Michael tries to say he isn't gay, but his clothes tell a different story.

See?

Just kidding, here's really what he wore:

Wouldn't it be funny, though, if out of frame here was the word "gay?"

You'd never look at spray paint the same way again.

Also, did you notice the bling in Michael's mouth? Check the bottom teeth:

That's like a mini grill. A George Foreman, if you will. You'll notice that it's not in place below:

Guess it's removable? Confusing.

Also confusing is Michael's weird story about writing something on a piece of paper and then putting it in his wallet and then finding it and it all meaning he's predestined to win.

It would seem that finding something you left for yourself is nothing but a sign of a bad memory, but what do I know (and to be fair, his story seems pieced together via editing, so it was probably bound to not make sense).

6. We haven't heard from Uli in a while.

"Does this stuff ever end?"

Oh, that Uli! So foreign and flappable!

7. I like how Kayne is holding his face in this frame...

...and then in a completely different shot, standing next to a completely different person, he's still doing it...

Is he preparing for a role as a permanently sorprendido maid in telenovela? Gay lastima!

8. So, I have to admit that since his MySpace profile surfaced, Hot Makeup Guy has thrilled me less and less. Like, I hate the fact that he has a name and shit! However, my love for him (or something!) shot back up this week when I heard him speak...

"This challenge is somethin' else." Adorable and insightful. Love him again.

9. That spot with Kara Janx was hilarious.

She is saucy!

So saucy that I'd go wherever she wants to take me.

10. Michael's reaction to the back of Laura's dress ("For nuts only") was priceless.

I think we all know what he was thinking.

11. And how about Vincent's totally molesty vibe?

First of all, he touches people more than he should (which is to say: he touches people)...

And then there were the repeated mentions of getting off and being turned on by his design. Disgusting. In tribute of his provocative nature, I've assembled a song. You could call this one "Justify My Continued Presence in This Competition." And here's a visual to go along with the song:

And not that it has anything to do with anything, but...

...is that Laura?

12. Rachel Zoe didn't look half as wretched as she did on ANTM.

I'm sure she's still rotten on the inside. You know that between shots, she totally went up to Alison's model and was like, "I have a fabulous diet to suggest: anorexia!"

13. And speaking of that, Heidi didn't really mince words when it came to her furor over Alison making her model look big, right?

I mean, she used the words "fat Minnie Mouse." Ouch. Oh well, at least Heidi had some wisdom to espouse, as well...

"There's a fine line between innovation and insanity."

Whoa. She is a sage. That's like Project Runway's supreme lila. Bow down to Sri Krishna Klum, everyone.

(Tons of love to Jonno for the inspiration.)

Comments

[Gretchen Weiners]

Hairy Winstons...oh my lol. I don't think I've heard the Ponies song in 20 years! I wish i could carry that clip of Michael and Laura around with me in my pocket and watch it whenever I wanted!

[Renee Lindsey]

I still cannot believe that Vincent is still around, it made me very sad to see Alison leave. The picture of Winston coming out of Laura's nose cracked me up, good call on that one. I also do not understand the big to-do about he painted belt that Jeffery did, everyone thought it was so cute and inovative, it was a friggin' fake belt, big whoop.

[GL]

Vincent's "Justify My Love" is worth the price of admission in itself!
And I don't want the sound clips embedded. I've downloaded several of them to my iTunes, and I don't know if you can do that with an embedded one. How about just having them open to a new window?

[MAPike000]

I am surprised you haven't seen Vincent's lame mini-movie in which he shows his flat, droopy ass! Great review as always - I, too, am sick of Kayne and Robert's bitchiness on the show... although Laura had no right to go after Vincent, she should nail the judges - don't hate the player, hate the game!

[Kim]

I was actually pretty disturbed at the visceral reactions the judges had to Alison's model looking "fat." The dress was beautiful, though it did embrace a different silhouette than the typical popsicle stick we're used to seeing. Isn't the whole point to be innovative with shapes? I honestly don't think they even looked at the dress, all they saw was a fat girl on the runway. Which does mean the dress failed on a level, but still...it just kind of grossed me out.

[fifi]

so glad to catch the face-brushing "incident" once more! I thought it was charming, for real.
May I just say...I kinda don't care that Alison got kicked off. She sure didn't stink like Vincent, so yeah that was unfair, and it's true Robert's just so much dross, but I don't know, Alison never really 'got me off' either so...tho' she didn't gross me out like Vincent does, true true, but still--there's no tears in my world over her passing.
Guess she can be like Olivier THeyskiens (sp?) ready to grace the NYTimes magazine as a beautiful, talented loser, well fine but it's not xactly shocking if talent wasn't the only thing in play here. And that man is beautiful. Maybe now he's out of work he can show up on the JD Modeling Agency, which by the way how pathetic did Janice look in what one so truly called, "her pimp juice outfit". She also sort of looked 'ready for her closeup' as a grape in a Fruit of the Loom advertisement, work her models woudl be lucky ducks to get!

[YoBimbo]

Oh yeaaaaah. "Hairy Winstons". Nicely done. ::nod:: LOL

[MRKinLA]

Another brilliant recap, per usual. P.R. may be the first show creating more enthralling entertainment outside of the program than on it -- this year, at least. Seeing saucy Kara did make me long for previous seasons, when the gays were witty, and we didn't have to stare at titties (although, agreed: love Laura).

If I were the kind of person to give Vincent the benefit of the doubt, I'd suggest his Harry Winston comment was actually an esoteric and witty reference to this, from similarly weird but infinitely more gifted David LaChappelle. But I'm not that kinda person, you see.

[Johnny Chicago]

The rumor is that Heidi was jealous of Alison's youth, actual non-superficial talent and charm (lisp and all) and then she schemed to SLAM her as hard as she could when Alison fnally made a mistep.

Vincent - scary.

Robert and Kayne? Two gays who make the boys from Queer Eye look like John Wayne.

Laura - she's a MAN, baby!

Michael - will WIN.

Uli - Heidi wanna-be.

Jeffery - scary talented, which is to say I've seen street vendors with more innovation under their belt.

Who's in the tope three? - Michael, Laura - and I can't believe I'm saying this - Jeffery.

Face it, bitches... he's this season's Santino.

I'm out!

[Arria]

The only thing about this episode that ticked me off was the favoritism of the audience. I mean Vincent stays so everyone starts shouting about producer interference, but Robert stays dispite having done nothing of note much less talent and everyone shuts up. I don't understand. On another note, this site is the only good reason for getting up early on a Monday. And now I'm late to class. Later!

[4u2c]

Shades of Elvis Costello--it should have been "Accidents will Happen" or "Blame it on Cain". Yep, sure sad to see Alison go. As she said, "I guess one blonde on the show was enough". OUCH.

[brandy]

I'm kind of in love with Laura after she dug into Vincent. She's all "he's close.to.the.edge." so she's pushing him, I cannot wait to see him have a full on melt down, that's why he's still here because the producers know this guy is going to strip naked and curl up on the floor and threaten people with some scissors. Poor guy hasn't got a clue.

I don't understand why Vincent cashed in his 401K to come on the show? So his family could live for the weeks he was away filming?

Oh god the Hairy Winstons!

[tia]

at first glimpse i thought michael's shirt said "butch queen" and i hollered "he said he was straight!" then of couse there was a good shot of it revealing "bronx" instead of "butch"...oh well.

[SeeJay]

I know that Allison's dress was bad, but Heidi's "fat" comments were out of line and I'm sure insulting to some of the rather overweight viewers. If I were Allison I would of replied, "well I've always heard that the wider the waist band, the deeper the quicksand so get your bony snobby bitch ass out of my way I've got a unicorn to catch". I'm sure Michael would agree! If they really care about Allison and distance themselves from Heidi's comments, the remaining designers should all dress up like fat mini mice the next time they meet Heidi on the runway.

[coot]

about the sound clips, i love them the way they are. i use firefox, and i just open the clips in a new tab and keep reading. they just load and play in the background and then when i'm done reading i just close them all at once. if people are too dumb to get firefox, let them deal with the sound clips themselves. you don't need to change anything.

lol! that hairy winstons bit was priceless.

[david]

david smith is genius and deserves a medal of purest gold. that image will be burned into my retinas for the remainder of the day.

the post/recap is also freaking awesome. long live allison. and THANK you for finally commenting on the awful-ness of kayne and abel, er, robert. i really would love to shove the bobbsey twins into a blender. they'd make such fruity frozen drinks!

[Tanith]

****************************************************************

I'm just not bored/obsessive/haggy enough to care now that they've destroyed the "casting" and "plot."

It's true that Kayne and Robert are giving non-coastal gays a bad name. I guess charisma isn't a biologically-produced queer hormone. Nuture, not nature. I'd been sheltered from that till now by my fabulous pals.

OK. Not only was Alison the only contestant--besides Michael--that was universally likeable; she was one of the few remaining that was objectively talented. The absence of her hot/angelic presence will make the show a boring battle of losers and farm-queens. (Laura is an exception with her witticisms and Talbot’s-dominatrix style, but that’s not enough.) The producers are way off in their manipulations. They really, really misjudged the personality dynamics and balance of the show. Now it’s likely to get just ugly, rather than intriguing.

Alison finally got a chance to show her thinking, which is surprisingly sharp, given her Hasbro, Inc. good looks. The aside that she was humming the Sopranos theme was amusing (1). I expected her to be spacey and distracted by her own inner glow. One clue to her remote whaling village background (2) came in her discussion with Tim Gunn when he questioned whether the waistband would fit her “zaftig” model and she was, like, “Yeah, she’s blonde.”
Fluency in catty Yiddish always distinguishes a true urbanite.

The biggest waste management issue should have been getting rid of Vincent and Jeffrey.

In any case, the ouster of Alison is not just a failure of credibility; it’s a failure of entertainment--which is, of course, more important.

For any eavesdropping producers: you blew it.

1) “Alison is from Cape Cod.”
Posted by: Washington Cube | August 14, 2006 at 07:09 PM

2) Sorry Rich, I know you’re from N.J. and have done a great deal for your countrymen by rebranding Coors bloat as hot chunk.

*****************************************************************

[JenKatz]

Hi Rich! I've been lurking about, reading all of your recaps from this season and I have to say - THIS IS YOUR BEST!
I thought about you throughout this whole episode. I knew you'd have something to say about the "Winstons up the nose". Anyway, total BS about Allison getting kicked off. She's adorable and talented. Vince is beyond creepy. Everytime he mentioned "getting off" I shuddered. Especially after he likened his creation to a child's painting. And even though Michael is clearly lying about his sexuality, wears fake grills and other odd fashion choices (he IS from Atlanta after all), he is definately the most talented and deserves to win. My money is on Michael. Ayy-Tee-Ale!

[Tink]

Hairy Winstons...ahh you made me snort at work!

Btw....I'm going to go off the board on the Vincent thing. To me he looks like CC Deville.

[Blair]

I just got busted with some fourfour all up on my computer screen at work. For real, though!

I just could not wait to get home to read it.

I love FourFour.

[Abrego]

I was disturbed by two things on this episode. First, bad images of Vicent getting off on his "child's artwork" of design. Gross! And then when Laura goes off on Vincent at the end and her man nipple is almost showing. Her low cut outfit was way over to her right armpit and you still couldn't see her boob. I don't think they exist.

[Jackie]

something about Laura's facial expressions and voice make me think she's the snooty version of Paula Poundstone.

[joey]

Rich Rich Rich...we are so on the same page sometimes. When I saw Robert in his "You looked hotter online" shirt on Wednesday night, I immediately said to the 3 other boys in the room with me "Someone's been shopping at Don't Panic!" That shirt, along with his flaming bitch-fest with Kayne, totally changed my view...
My original impression of him as a nelly queen with wit to spare has sadly been replaced with my firm belief that he's venomous and limited-in-talent carbon copy WeHo queen. My crush on Robert is officially over. :-(

P.S. - I think Kayne is the real villain in this season...there is something dark and sinister lurking behind those eyes...and that ridiculous head of (thinning) hair.

[moai]

Hey, I really got off on this recap....I mean, it really got me off.

It is a drag that Alison is gone. She is a cherubic goddess.

I am riveted to the show, though. I think Kayne and Robert will eventually get all catty at each other, which will make me smile. I hope kayne realizes that he brought it on himself...

Someone in the cast is going to drive Vincent over the edge. His psyche is held together with Elmer's glue.