Don't believe the lack of hype

It's only in retrospect that I feel foolish for seeing Neil LaBute's remake of The Wicker Man. I knew that no matter what, it'd be unnecessary and awful, but I'd hoped it'd be gleefully unnecessary and stupendously awful. And really, my ears didn't perk up until I scanned the blurbs at Rotten Tomatoes. "Comically inept," "unintentionally hilarious," "one big mess," "the funniest bad movie since Aeon Flux" (which actually wasn't very funny at all, come to think of it), "unintentionally one of the funniest movies of the summer" and "one big mess" all made it sound up my alley. It's not. It's just boring. It's so boring that I went to sleep in the middle. I have to admit that it was nice to wake up to the one-two-three punch of Leelee Sobieski getting slammed into a wall, Nic Cage in a bear costume and Ellen Burstyn with her face painted so that she resembled a rabid Dallas Cowboys fan more than a pagan matriarch. But, really, those are just brief flashes of hilarity that aren't worth trudging through 90 minutes to get to (or even napping through 90 minutes to get to). The Wicker Man isn't the Holy Grail of shitty horror ("horror") remakes. It's not Mary Magdalene. It's not even Veronica's sweaty-ass towel.

Bottom line: it doesn't suck well. Unfortunately.

I think the reviews that called the film "interesting," even if they ultimately panned it, were written by people who haven't seen the original (because a kernel of a cool concept obviously is going to carry over to the remake). And none of my disappointment, by the way, comes from a deep love of the 1973 original. I actually think it's pretty overrated and too dull too often. But what I do like about it is that it's its own thing entirely (the remake is a retread of singularity through a PG-13 filter -- I want nude Britt Ekland humping walls, damn it!). I mean, shit like this...

(Download)

...there's just no 2006 translation for it. You know?

Comments

[svrb]

i'm so glad to hear your thoughts on this. me and the bf were shocked and amazed when we saw the preview for this in the theater, having no idea a remake was in the works. he refuses to see it on the grounds of "lack of nude britt ekland." at least we're all on the same page on that! i totally agree with your analysis of the original too. it's overrated and really not a "scary" movie in any sense of the word, but it's just so fucking weird with all the folk singing and dancing round the maypole and, of course, britt ekland's boobs, that you have to love it a little.

[jack e. jett]

this is a classic line and i am going to steal it.

so that she resembled a rabid Dallas Cowboys fan more than a pagan matriarch

jack e. jett
playboy/footballer/homo
www.jackejett.com

[Eric]

And none of my disappointment, by the way, comes from a deep love of the 1973 original. I actually think it's pretty overrated and too dull too often.

This is the worst thing you've ever written. Here I thought you liked horror movies.

[Hateraid]

WTF was up with that maypole and the **twang, twang** noise in the background? OMG, how have I missed out on this classic cheese fest? I am off to get the DVD of the original.....Thanks Rich

[matt]

The original Wicker Man rocks. Its so beyond out there and bizarre that it is rightfully one of the most beloved cult movies ever made.

[mariaaaaa]

Wow, the '73 original looks kinda fun. Nekkid Brit Eklund huh? And the Equalizer, too. I think I have to check this one out...

[Jackie]

The original is only watchable because:

1.Its staunchly-unaware-of-how-cheesy-we-are-Europeanness

2. Actual "pagan" heritage/familiarity in the country it was made by.

any American version is, unfortunately, destined to blow.

[Chris Hassiotis]

The original movie shouldn't be clumped in there with horror movies... it's its own thing. Its own weird, entrancing, strange, kind-of-off-putting thing.

Nicolas Cage's voice-overs near in the final scenes of the film were amazing. Hilarious and awesome, yeah, but not worth waiting around for an hour and a half. Still, seing him kick so many people is kinda swell.

[buzz]

you took one for the team, rich -- even i couldn't be dragged to see this skidmark, and i love the original AND neil labute's mormon ass.

i take it that the kickass folk music from the original was completely abandoned? does anyone throw a dead rabbit?

[Cote]

I agree that the original Wicker Man wasn't scary, was bizarre, but wasn't all that to get excited about.

I saw the preview of the remake and decided to rent the original. I was in for a suprise! My fiance accused me of renting a porn musical.

Is it creepy that I know that Maypole song those kids were singing? I have no idea where I heard it from either...

[Anthony]

I was tempted to see it for the same reasons you were. I think I'll wait till DVD now. I still kinda want to see Nicholas Cage scream "ROWAN!" a lot.

[Dilly]

Um, I not only own the Special Edition of the original, but the SOUNDTRACK! I can listen to this song (and my favorite that Britt sings butt nekkid) in my car if I wish!

Even so, I believe I shall wait until the DVD comes out... I don't know if I am willing to spend big theater bucks for a PG-13 and USA version of this movie.

Thanks for the review, Rich you totally rock!

[akbar fazil]

Just remember, any US release of the original Wicker Man is not the full film.

[lonecomic]

is that a heathers reference i spot?

[RobertBlue]

I rewatched the original the day this was released, and decided right then and there that the original film must be translated as modern day, full blown, Disney-esque Broadway extravaganza. People will be humming the tunes for days (personal favorite: the Inn Keeper's Daughter song, with all the ancient men talking about their hard-ons). Just imagine the shock and awe of theater fans that don't know what they're going to expect. It would be the greatest show ever.

[starstattoo]

The original was definitely of its own time. It's just so chock-full of conservative Protestant English horror at the whole social upheaval of the 1960s. "The Wicker Man" is about fear of hippies, counterculture, and the neopagan movement that got rolling right about that time.

It couldn't be remade successfully now, especially in America, because religious pluralism - to say nothing of the Renaissance Fair brigade - is almost mainstream.

I'll never get over the toad placed in the girl's mouth, and how mortified Mr. Policeman was by it.

ITA, Starstattoo...great insight. Also, could they get away nowadays with the main character believably being a virgin? I haven't seen the new one, so I have no idea if this plot point is kept in tact. That aspect did seem a bit far fetched, but I was able to go with it. In a movie taking place today though, I feel like it would seem just incredibly unbelievable. Not that there aren't any true life 40-plus year old virgins, I'm sure, but still...

The 1973 original is so bizarre, yet so intriguing that I was thinking about it for days after whatching it. Definitely worth seeing at least once.

I remember doing the Maypole dance in elementary school. Seems kind of creepy-ish knowing all the phallic and sexual connotations of the whole thing. Also kind of funny.

[Rich]

Nic Cage's character is not a virgin in the remake. I forgot about that aspect of the original.

[Julia_Claudine_Devereaux]

I wanted to boycott this piece of trash!!! I'm so sick of remakes. Why mess with something that was perfect as it was? Nic Cage is no Edward Woodward. The image of him singing in that wicker "prison cell" while waiting to burn in the end haunted me for days. And to remake it with a PG-13 rating??!! Oh hell no!

[ted]

I would think the main reason you can't remake this successfully is that if you trace English history back far enough you get to all sorts of paganism, but for America you hit bloody puritanism. And there's enough of that already thank you very much.

The original is exciting because of the creepiness of the paganism. The film that got American "pre-history" right was...and you can slag me off if you want...the original Blair Witch Project. Straight out of Hawthorne, that.

WTF was that!!! I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna have a seizure. Got to see the original now. Especially love the look the one guy gives the singing dude. Ive said it before but You are awesome.

[mariaaaaa]

ted, I agree! I haven't seen Wicker Man '73 yet (and doubt I will see '06), so I can't compare, but I thought that Blair Witch did tap into a creepy puritan vs pagan thing.

[Christina]

Thanks for seeing this for us! I bought the original a few years ago when I saw it at Best Buy in that cool cigar box. I loved it. Of course, I also love Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats...(look it up!)

[spazmo]

The thing is, the original had such a creepy rep that Hammer completists like me felt almost supernaturally obliged to see it.

It wasn't Hammer, though. It wasn't even supernatural. It just sucked.

[Susan]

I'm glad I read this, because I almost wanted to see it for the "so bad it's hilarious" element. When I first saw the trailer in the theater I was horrified that they were remaking it. My boyfriend was excited about the trailer and thought the movie looked really cool. I took him home later and rented the original, which he totally loved. It's one of my favorites because like you said, it's its own thing. It was pretty out there for it's time, and for today. A pagan island where people burst into fallic songs? A movie where the bad guys prevail? A movie that incorporates custom folk songs and glorifies public humping? It's just plain awesome through and through.

When I read that they were using killer bees to take down Nicholas Cage because nobody would believe he was a virgin I just about lost it. Why mess with a good thing like that? So dumb. Same with Aeon Flux - why not just put out an animated film?