Just 'Cé-in'!

I didn't want to, but after about three solid listens (and many more since), I fell madly in love with B'Day. Believe me, I think Beyoncé has been overpraised for years (that she's pretty much the ruling diva of this generation, or at least of her age group, really bothers me since her voice is merely good and her fame is bolstered by her multi-hyphenate/ADHD sensibility). I can't help joining the chorus this time -- B'Day is a tight, short album that doesn't overstay its welcome or try to be something it isn't. Beyoncé is not above utterly contemporary pop, and B'Day knows it. There is true beauty in knowing one's place. There is truer beauty in talking to your own vagina. Let's go, little kitty kats.

I could go on and on (fun fact: B'Day skirts the theory on diva albums I laid out in my review of Christina Aguilera's Back to Basics -- it's a concept album and even more, the very concept [songs Bey's Dreamgirls character Deena should have said] allows it to side-step the faux-confessing characteristic of the modern diva). A 1,500+ word essay on B'Day, however, would betray the album's brilliantly simplistic spirit. Instead, I'm offering a what-if scenario that combines a new favorite (that'd be Bey) with an old -- Lucio Fulci's opus of zombies and popped eyeballs, the 1981 trashterpiece, The Beyond.

Gorehounds and sappy-ballad lovers, alike, I give you...

(Note that the screenshots after the jump, while not as disgusting as they could be given the source, are nonetheless occasionally graphic. Also, let the page load completely before viewing. The gifs are on a loop, which may result in confusion. Have no fear: each one's starting point involves Bey sashaying into the frame. All Beyoncé shots are via BeyonceWorld.net. Check out the B'Day promo shoot because it's fucking hilarious, even without being superimposed on Fulci's frames.)

Comments

[john]

you are fucking brilliant! love it!

[ezra]

second! (JK) I can't stop singing "Irreplaceable", which must be my fave double negative filled 808 / acoutic guitar breakup ballad ever! The best part is: "And keep talking that mess, that's fine/ But could you walk and talk at the same time/ And It's my mine name that is on that Jag/ So remove your bags let me call you a cab."

[Penny Woods]

Loved the review, but I don't like B'Day. All I remember from that album was screaming.

Can't wait to see a review of FutureSex/LoveSounds, though, especially since Pitchfork claims that it sounds like...Prince.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

you outdo yourself every fucking time.

[Joanne]

B'Day/Bidet, anyone?

[kg]

"Do Not Entry" hahahahaha I love it!

[jessica]

good god damn, Rich, that was a thing of beauty.

[Zombie]

I hadn't realized until just now that I needed several looping .gifs of Beyonce superimposed over a classic Fulci film to make my life complete.

Rich, you are the wind beneath my wings.

[killervirgo]

I am home sick from work today and this post may make me miss work tomorrow. I laughed so hard I might have caused further damage.

I listened to the album when it was leaked and hated. I listen to it again and loved it. Only thing that irks me is when she use the word conversate in "Get Me Bodied". Not that I'm a grammar freak, or anything. It is that I just starting using the proper word (converse) and I am afraid I will have a relapse.

[GkP]

Rich...Oh My God....
You is cuhrazeeee! Love it!!
You did a great job on this review and those animations.
I still won't by her album though.

[sdh]

Rich, I know this comment doesn't have to do with Beyonce, but I just read "breaking news" on CNN that Whitney has filed for divorce from Bobby Brown...I guess this means that there won't be another season of Whitney & Bobby trainwrecks for you to recap...so sad.

[The Fury of Bea Arthur]

Dude ... WTF? Crack is Wack.

[Maria C.]

...I'm transformed...(from B's Loreal commercial). Sooo good Rich!

By the way, tell me if you agree. But Beyonce would never be as big as she is now if Aaliyah were still alive. The expectation of pop music would be would have been much higher had she continued to put out more music. But I'm surprised to hear that you liked B's album. Maybe I should go listen to it....

Props on the Blain, Missouri header.
You know, it is the stool capital of the world.

[therealdeal]

ring the alarm, that was pure genius!

[angela]

yeah. that was amazing. i have so much love for you!

[tia]

lol you have mental problems...this certainly confirms it.

o and here's my review of FutureSex/LoveSounds: shit sucks.

to be fair i only listened once through but there's only one song that evokes prince and it's due more to timbaland's production than justin's performance. ppl are idiots.

[Ian]

Mmmmhmmm! I used to also think B was slightly overrated, but shit, this album is AMAZING! Try to find all those bonus songs --Back Up, Lost Yo Mind, Creole-- and if you can't, I'll upload em and send you a link fo' free. Cuz I'm yo suga mama.

[nova]

I appreciate the a la carte aspect of these songs, but as an album, B'Day has zero direction.

[Tanea]

Like someone else said:
Love the review...HATE the album!

I think she's lost her mind..
or as Dave Chappelle would say:
"The Milk's Gone Bad!"

[Julia_Claudine_Deveraux]

NO YOU DIDN'T!!! You ruined one of my favorite films with images of Begone'ce! But what you did was absolutely BRILLIANT! The cd is hot shitty garbage IMO..I heard the entire cd damn near 50 times in the beauty shop and each time it sounded worse than the last. Deja Vu is the best track on the entire cd.

PS: Rich, if you're a Fulci fan, cop The Gates of Hell if you haven't seen it already.

[Kyklopos]

i have a comment for Marcia C. about Beyonce being less populair if Aaliyah was still alive. Maybe in america, but over here in europe Aaliyah wasn't populair at all, after she passed away musicstations started airing some of her songs. Nonetheless she was a fairly good artist

[Ergane]

Bravo! Brilliant.

[Stephanie]

The pics are funny.

But, Rich, as far as Beyonce's latest I have to disagree with you. Call me a hater, but B'Day sucks. It sucks on the first listen, and it still sucks after repeated listening. And beyond B'Day, I have a problem with Beyonce in general:

1. She's a cipher, a robot, a bubblehead, and a puppet. She has no thoughts, ideas, or opinions of her own. I think Matthew's plan to model her after the Motown stars of the 60's is working a little too well. Her music and her interviews give us nothing that is Beyonce. There's no "there" there.

2. She's inarticulate. The drawl was charming at first, now it's grating. She sounds like an idiot every time she opens her mouth.

3. She allows others to speak for and control her (her parents, her handlers, her boyfriend). Any criticisms are deflected and handled by statements issued by her parents.

4. She did Latoya and Latavia dirty...and then wrote a song about it!

5. She won't give us a chance to let us miss her. She's EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Go away! Take a break. Let the public say, "Wow, when is Beyonce gonna put out another record?"

ENOUGH ALREADY!

[Darren]

Yeah, B'Day (which I am so happy I didn't pay for) sucks hot ass. As someone who can withstand the power and melisma of Xtina's voice for the entire run of Back To Basics, I find it astonishing that Beyonce's non-stop screaming gave me an intense headache. The album is extremely crappy.

Great review though.

P.S. I actually liked parts of FutureSex/LoveSounds...mostly due to Timbaland.

[Disclaimer: I'm a Bee fan.]

I HEART you for doing the unpopular thing of supporting the popular (fame-wise not musical genre) artist. And since you've never given a damn about a bandwagon, it's a pretty good endorsement coming from you.

I ordered my copy of B-day via Amazon. Should get it today.