The erotic exit of V

Sigh.

(Download)

I'm really gonna miss him.

And as for the outfits...

Didn't mind Kayne's at all...

...isn't couture supposed to be ridiculous? (And really, it did fit well.)

Laura's was an unfortunate casualty of travel.

It definitely worked better in France. We didn't see her explaining the ruffle deflation to the judges, which sort of drove me crazy (I shouted, "Tell them that! Tell them that!" at my TV screen so many times that it picked itself up and bitch-slapped me).

I loved how the judges gagged over the "night-and-day" difference when Michael tucked in the bunny ears of his gown.

Seriously, Heidi, what kind of bunnies are you hanging out with?

And how much did it suck that Angela was booted on the eve of the challenge that called for the most handmade detail? I can only imagine the fleurchon within a fleurchon exploding with baby fleurchons sucking on fleurchon nipples that she would have sent down the runway. But whatever, at least Vincent picked up her slack...

His own spin on it, but fluerchon is fleurchon. You know where that came from, right?

(Or maybe that should be "fleurchamps." Is French!)

My biggest regret about Vincent leaving is that I won't be able to take the Little Vinny line into the world of feminine hygiene. I really wanted to do a deodorant spray, but was never given the chance (though I suppose that, looking back on it, Laura's pregnancy was a missed opportunity).

And speaking of genitals and Vincent...

1. He was back to being sexual again this episode, alternately getting off and turned on. This leads me to believe that he always talks like that and the editing was, in fact, merciful for only giving it to us in small doses. I'm not going to mix his pillow talk into another song (what would be next, "Erotica?"), but instead, I'll just walk you through some highlights of his erotic interludes.

i. He bares some skin...

...and his soul. "I trained in couture dress making. It just turns me on." His tattoo turns me on.

ii. "Oh, you're so good. She knows what I like."

And by the look on her face, she's deaf or can't understand English or could be blind or, in the worst-case scenario, he knows what she likes. Nasty.

iii. Tongue action.

iv. He was way inappropriate with Catherine Malandrino:

"You are one of the most sensational women I've ever laid my eyes on..." By "laid my eyes on," he means "ravished with my pupils," right?

Oh, and it was great how amused everyone was by his display.

v. He was even more inappropriate with the form.

Ahem.

vi. "It's a stunning fit." I think we all know what he's referring to.

vii. Crotch shot:

viii. And, because he knew we'd miss it, one more "It just got me off," to describe his Project Runway experience. No, no, Little Vinny -- you got us off.

2. Sultry:

She could really star in some erotic (speaking of...) Adrian Lyne rip-off called Pregnant Pause. Just as long as she stayed sexy, not scowling.

It's funny and all, but ultimately: not a good look.

3. And not to rag on Laura's appearance, buuuuuuutttttttt...

Not only is she showing immediately, but she's showing weirdly. I think it might be her outfit, but the elongated, oval shape of her womb makes me think of the Itchy and Scratchy episode "Esophagus Now," in which Scratchy repeatedly is fed a part of his own oblong stomach.

That's a ridiculous plate, no?

4. This exchange between Jeffrey and the French stranger also seemed (say it with me) erotic. It was like some sub-Fassbinder ooh-la-lameness.

Meanwhile, this was an out-and-out lovers' spat:

I'm not the only one who's going to miss Vincent, per the misty, far-off look in Jeffrey's eyes.

5. And while I'm gayspotting...

"I was sweating like a whore in church," says Michael [sorry for not having an accompanying sound clip -- will update tonight]. But he's talking like a drag queen onstage! Seriously, I think he's daring us to speculate.

After all, he just wants a smoky eye like everybody else.

Let me get some champagne, feel myself up and contemplate...

6.

That's what friends are...for...?

7. Um...

No.

Also:

Or so it would seem.

8. I didn't mention that I thought Jeffrey deserved his win this week. But the best part of Jeffrey's dress was hearing Michael Kors rationalize its surprise factor. He thinks Jeffrey is goth. Jeffrey isn't goth. He isn't Edward Scissorhands "I can't"-goth and, despite wearing something straight out of Hot Topic last week, (good one, Leila), he isn't even mall goth.

But you know, at least it was fun to watch Kors actually say the word "goth":

He learned everything he knows from the Cure!

9. I have nothing to say about this sound bite except that I love it:

"How thrilling!"

10. Oh boy, Richard Tyler.

First of all, I can smell him from here. And the show aired days ago. And it was taped months ago. In addition to making me feel dirty, he makes me feel dirty.

I haven't felt this violated since Vincent humped that form.

11. And finally, I must pay tribute to the new love of my life:

Dare to be perfect! Catherine turned me on and got me off throughout the episode, but it was during Heidi's reading of her comments that I fell in love.

(On Jeffrey's design) "And she wrote, 'Magnifique.' A lot of stars..." Fanciful!

(On Vincent's design) "Catherine Malandrino wrote, 'No...no, no, no.'" So maybe I love Catherine vis-à-vis Heidi the most. Can they hire Catherine to sit on Heidi's lap so that Heidi can work her like a ventriloquist's dummy every week. If they need space, they can just cut those horror-movie previews starring Collier Strong. Please?

Anyway, I took the liberty to fantasize what a few other of the blunt-and-sassy Catherine's cards must have looked like...

I also loved that Catherine pointed out that Jeffrey's tattoo is "really forever." I hope that next time she teaches us how to remove nail polish and how ice gets to be ice.

Basically, I love this woman. I love everything she does, stands for and says. Vincent's right, she's sensational and so I bestow her the greatest honor I can: Patron Saint of fourfour. And for this occasion, I have prepared a picture of her, Sears-portrait style...

 

Flawless.

Comments

[E :)]

Richard Tyler = scary. Makes me not want to go home in case all Aussie men have morphed into him somehow...

Loved the Malandrino comment cards!

[sonny]

Okay, I totally just spit out my diet coke from Burger King while I read this. Once again, a brilliant recap. Rich, can we be boyfriends and run away together to Paris? We'll hang with Catherine and get off together.

[Masshole]

Michael has already said that he's STRAIGHT... and isn't he too thin for your chub-loving homo ass?

[Chuck]

Loved Ms. Cathy but my favorite part of the episode was the guy tossing eggs at them as they walked to the boat. I was hoping Jeffrey would have gotten smacked upside his head with one.

[Gretchen Weiners]

OMG the Sears portrait. My co-workers are coming over to see what I am pissing myself over. I don't need to see Vincent's tongue in any situation again ever in life. You get me off Rich.

[Joe]

I'm so going to get in trouble at work for laughing so loud at your ProjRun posts. Let me be the first to thank you for picking up on the homoerotic Metro pick-up between Jeffrey and the hottie French dude. Jeffrey's MySpace page is sexually ambiguous, so I'm thinking they hooked up later sans cameras. Also, the index cards were genius.

[Rocco]

I want a sears portrait.

I'm reading Tim's Take, and he used the phrase "hot mess."
Referring to Kayne's design:
"And then there was the asymmetry of the top, including the lacing in the back. Add to these problematic factors his choice of an ombred silk for the skirt. It all added up to a hot mess."
Oh Tim, you're so hip, almost as hip as Rich.

[dorf]

Vincent humping the dress form is killing me.

[BonBon]

The things Michael says don't mean he's gay, they mean he's black. That's all!

[matlock]

Regarding richard tyler:
(1) He has the best PR agent. Ever. She should get a Project Runway gown or something for getting him on the show.
(2) ... except for the intro where Heidi says something to the effect "he most recently designed the **uniforms for delta airlines**" (emphasis added).
What!?

[Talix18]

I am slimy from the skeeve, and yet can't stop myself from listening. Rich makes it hurt so good!

[Jessica]

I thought Kayne's dress was pretty.

Maybe I'm a pageant queen like him deep down inside :P

[angela Morrill]

soooo good. my favorite part of watching is you baby.

[Tootie]

I actually thought Kayne's dress was the best, not Jeffrey's freakish table cloth thing. But maybe I just can't see past his assholiness and his memento neck tattoo.

Either way, I was both turned on and turned off.

[inothernews]

Am I the only one who thinks Laura looks GREAT without the make-up. I mean, pretty much better? She pulls of the dark lipstick, but I love the natural look on her.

[FoxxyBrown]

Your recap est parfait! I'm giggling like a school girl over the recap. Love, love, love the Maladrino ventiliquist dummy idea. Loved the self-reference to Vincent humping the dummy. Richard Tyler is the epitome of skeevy... And I thank the merciful God in heaven that the producers spared us any more of Vincent's disgusting verbal ejaculations than what they did show.

I assumed that Jeffrey somehow arranged for someone to throw eggs at the other contestant's models. Then again, I'm a conspirasist at heart.

[jack e. jett]

no matter how hard these fine folks try...they will never reach the high standards of a jackclyn smith. her collection two years ago at k mart was to die for.

jack jett

[The Fury of Bea Arthur]

okay, i totaly barfed my whopper onto my cubical mate while simultaneously peeing my undies, moaning orgasmically and laughing hysterically while my head spun in 360 degree revolutions. All my office mates came running while I spasmodically farted with pleasure. BEST RECAP EVAHHHHHHHH. Oooooh, my God, wait, wait .... I'm still peeing. Ooops, herecomes some more whopper .... nope, that's Mr. Phipps. Oh gosh, there it goes again.

There's a lot of bodily functions mentioned in these comments.

[FoxxyBrown]

Maybe for season four the designers will win an internship at KMART with Jacklyn Smith designers!

[Cathy]

Did anyone catch what Jeffrey's tattoo stood for? I've seen the episode 3 times, but I can't understand what he says. Something about his son? He has a son? I can't believe a woman would have sex with him, let alone birth his spawn.

[Cathy]

Oh, and Kayne's dress was the best. I absolutely loved it. Jeffrey's looked cheap.

[Kel]

I'm so glad you have a clip of vincents tounge. This whole episode I was screaming at the TiVo..BOOT HIM BOOT HIM!!!! I'm sooo glad he's off the show!

[Penny Woods]

Yes, I know he's gone. I'm still hurting.

But on another note, the only thing that would've made the Kayne-as-stereotypical-Frenchman audio clip worse would be an animated GIF of his, um, whatever he did.

Oh, wait...

[Genevieve]

love the recap!!!!!

Kayne, if you're reading this, I LOVED your dress. I think the back was wonderful!