V-M-Haaaaaays

All of these people are losers...

I mean they're really losers -- these are their reactions after not winning Video Music Awards last night in their respective nominated categories. But they're also metaphoric losers -- look at how they are over this shit. Why do they care so much?

(Although I bet you Jordy's all, "It's OK, honey. My cock is bigger than all those Panic! At the Disco homos' cocks put together." And that's comforting to Chrissy.)

And if the above care too much, Mike Shinoda really, really cares too much...

He pulled out a cheat sheet and rattled off a minute's worth of names to accept the award for Best Ringtone. Best Ringtone! Why are famous people dying for attention?

The following are a few more questions that arose over the course of the 3+ hour show:

Why does Timbaland insist on undermining his comeback (of sorts) as a producer?

(Tim, what do we have to do to show you that we like you behind the boards and behind the boards only?)

Why is this cool?

Why does Kelis look like Oprah (like Color Purple Sophia Oprah)?

Why did Andre 3000 raid the closet of Laura from Project Runway? Just in case there's horses?

Why do cute boys do things to make themselves ugly?

(Seriously: a cape?)

Why is Sophia Lamar heading a rock band?

Why, oh why, is "Hurt" Christina Aguilera's next single? (That's pronounced "Ag-wuh-ler-a," per Al Gore, btw.)

Why do I always get the distinct feeling that the Jackass boys would totally fuck around with each other just for the gross-out shock value ("Dude, bust down my throat and choke me with your mansperm!" "Naw, man, I want to shoot in your eye and glue it shut and have you walk out in traffic!")

Why is she wearing a necklace on her head?

Why does Pink think she's better than everyone else?

Why does Shakira dance with this constant expression of pride, like a kid whose pleased with herself for pooping in the toilet and not her Pull-Ups?

Why does T.I. think that a hoodie with glitter on it is anything but gay?

And speaking of gay, why...

...oh nevermind. That's what he wants you to ask.

Why is this guy kidding himself about the state of his hairloss?

(Seriously: try something else. You're just accentuating it.)

Why did I derive a distinct sense of pleasure from Lil Jon's barely acknowledged request for the audience to stand up?

Why has Jennifer Lopez become Gloria Fucking Swanson?

Why does Jack Black think he's funny?

Why did Jack White have to go and make me love him (for the first time!) for refusing to play along in Jack Black's "Jack White/Jack Black" ho-ho-hoery?

Why can't this little girl read? She's 10!

(Download)

Time to get a new on-set tutor!

But really, this might be my favorite thing that ever happened:

(Download)

Abigail Breslin, reppin' the white girls of the world!

Well, actually, I can't decide if that or if this is my favorite thing that ever happened:

(Download)

I just love it when people get hit on the head!

Update: Spoke too soon: this is my favorite thing that ever happened.

Comments

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

i didn't even bother to watch. But i'm glad you did. Clearly, you live to give.
And in answer to your query re. Kelis....it's because she's a boho intellectual, duh! Don't you know they're all about the pearls?

[Liz]

Fantastic Soapdish reference!! Buy a god damn walker and put me in it!

[brandy]

3 hours!

If I ever get 3 wishes one will be to give you back all the time you've lost watching tv to make me laugh.

The other ones will be for infinity wishes and to be skinny but be able to eat cupcakes all day long.

I don't even know who half those people where! Top hat guy? Balding goth? (I love how the emo kid is horrified by his hair loss, he's totally going to cut himself later because of it.)

Have a great long weekend Rich!

[brandy]

Oh and I think Jlo wants to be in Grey Gardens the Musical.
I think Justin stole those dance moves from my 80 year old stoner great uncle, seriously.
And the Oprah/Kelis thing is really uncanny.

[Jess]

I turned it on just after Missy Elliot came on and I totally missed her being hit in the head with an umbrella. I just watched that on loop and I'm crying from laughing so hard.

[diamond]

didnt missy get stuck in the jeep or something?

and beyonce's performance sucked at the break down and the end.. it was nothing new or spectacular when she took off her trenchcoat. we've seen her half naked a 10000 times before!

[Soulfull]

I couldn't agree with you more with regards to Timbaland...

[Abrego]

Rich,
You are fabulous!!! Everything I made fun of last night is now captured in photo or video clip in your recap. I enjoy knowing that there is someone else that has the same obsessions with ANTM, Project Runway, Living Dolls, and making fun of all the celebrities and their mental malfunctions.

lol @ beyonce swagger jacking janet jackson!!

the little matrix move was cool tho

overall... vmas sucked :(

[Stroll]

Literally lol'ing at Gloria Swanson.

[Katie]

I love Abigail Breslin. Those are the moves from her "talent" in Little Miss Sunshine.

[Courtney]

My question...

Why was Justin Timberlake dressed like Pee-Wee Herman? Gray suit and white shoes...

[Jerri Blank]

Did you notice that Daniel V's model Rebecca was one of the whores handing out moonmen? I think she is the one that presented Beyonce/Slim their award

I hope J Lo's hair grows back soon. But why is she doing chemo treatments if she doesn't even have cancer? Is chemo the new colonics?

[Snatch]

OMG, Rich, I am a faithful reader of your website and this post is a crown jewel! I am one of those people who tunes into Mtv to rubberneck at all the accidents, and thanks to you I didn't even have to do that. Your commentary about Jackass is so completely spot-on, I busted out laughing! Now, if only we could start seeing Jade on tv again so you can resume your "imagine that!" posts...

[Eric]

Missy had a rough night.

[SpaceQueen]

You seriously crack me the eff up. All the time! This recap is hilarious and all too truthful.

[iloverich!]

oh my god best vma screencap ever!!! i am crying in tears over here! you made that boring show hilarious! jack black was the worst host ever. he made diddy look like a genius for what he did last year and thats not saying much.

[FreeDrinks]

Im soooo glad somebody else saw Missy get hit in the head by her dancers umbrella...i seriously bust out laughin...

[t-bag]

Anyone else think the girl sitting next to Kanye is the long lost black twin of Alison "Care Bear" Kelly?

[mariaaaaa]

HA HA HA!!! Oh Rich, thank you so much for wading through this crap to glean the few oats of hilarity (okay that was gross...) Now I can avoid this garbage completely knowing that I saw the best parts already (I used to like to watch for the train wrecks, but I just can't do it anymore; I have a mountain of ironing to do and my diet pill is wearing thin).
I love that you included the beep beep in the clip where Missy gets bonked on the head.

[Phil]

The VMA's are f'ing terrible.

I'd rather watch Crossroads with Kenny Rogers and Lionel Ritchie.

[Kathy]

Oh, why why why does any of it pass for entertainment these days?

[Cabinderada]

I watched pretty much the whole thing and IMHO, that was the shoddiest, most poorly run awards show I have ever seen. The whole direction and audio team must have been out back, smoking.

My Pet peeves:

1) That Panic! At The Disco (who, dorky Ringmaster outfits aside, are pretty bright guys) didn't totally go off on that Six bonehead for jumping on stage to pimp his joint. I would have been "That was Six, the newest member of the band. He's out and he's proud. You go, girl!" You know those rappers hate being outted.
2) The look on LL Cool J and 50 Cent's faces when Kelly Clarkson (who didn't even show up) won Best Female Video. You know they were hoping to rub up on Christina or Shakira. But also that Kelly is so uncool and that they should deign to be forced to recognize that she won. I thought they were going to start ragging on her, like "Thanks, American Idol. Because of you, this is what we have to listen to."
3) Lou Reed. You fucking dinosaur. I thought that AFI was going to blow him.
4) The Raconteurs - Would have been nice to get to see them play instead of house banding them like the producers did.
5) Potty Mouth. You folks are so cool. Thank you for cursing 'cause I had forgotten how powerful those swear words are when used insightfully. And randomly. And repetitively. And in the same box...
6) Tenacious D. - Not ANYWHERE near as funny as they think they are.
7) Al Gore - Don't act like you rock out. Your wife Tipper was all about shutting down music to keep people from talking naughty. So don't pretend that you are all down with it now and the limo is waiting out front to take you to the afterparty.
8) Jessica Simpson - I'm sorry, but the fact that you can't dance is not what people hired you for in first place. And you looked fat. In BLACK. Houston, we have a problem.
9) John Norris' hair - Good God, WTF convinced you that red was your color. Utterly retarded.
10) Kurt Loder's botox - You, sir, are the elder statesman of the channel. Act like it.

I did like the video coordination for the performances and the design for the clips between the videos. And the Killers. And My Chemical Romance on the Pre-Show. And Timberlake making that shelf.

[Cabinderada]

That was a long comment. I apologize.

-C