Congrats, grad

You know, part of me hopes that Brooke left that decoration hanging, waving a silent and sad goodbye to the girls with every draft.

I also hope that she sought revenge on every package that came her way.

Damn Tyra!

The crying count is on the brink of falling apart. Here's why:

47. Jaeda

Jaeda's crying about her hair. This is her one and only plotline. Who says this show keeps people around for good drama?!

48. Jaeda...and?

See, here's where it gets confusing. I know that Jaeda cried when Brooke was eliminated, but Melrose? Maybe. It's too hard to say for sure as we never actually see her face during this. Tough call!

49. Brooke

It's her freakin' high school graduation. You woulda thought that Tyra queued up that Vitamin C graduation song, the way Brooke's tears flowed. That track, at least, does it to me every time.

?????

OK, no fucking clue. Maybe everyone's crying, maybe no one is. The only thing I know for sure is that Amanda's a cold bitch.

I hope someone one day commissions me to write a book on Tyraisms. I feel like it's my primary area of expertise right now. Thank you, NYU. Thank you, Mom and Dad.

Tyraism of the Week 1:

The first Tyraism isn't what she said, it's what she wore. I suppose this is supposed to be slimming, although I don't think Tyra's ever looked heavier. The white says, "This is what I would look like if I didn't eat." The gray says, "Pass the mayo."

And though I hate to break up the Tyraisms for some message-based editorializing, I want to stress once again that I'm not making fun of Tyra's size nearly as much as I'm making fun of what Tyra does in the face of her size. (The triple-chinned face of her size, that is.) It just seems hypocritical to flap your vagina arms when a big part of your message is that people should style themselves appropriately. I think that her look above with the unflattering dress and lasagna-noodle hair is awful. I think this less-done look is much better:

And you know, Photoshop is always an option...

Her arms haven't looked like that since she was a fetus.

All of this is to say: scale back, Ty Ty. Please?

Tyraism of the Week 2

"Anchal, you know, you can back the booty up and still make it fashion."

Scale back! For the love of God, scale back!

Tyraism of the Week 3

"What we say every week: When you retire, you take all the makeup on the whole counter and you put it all on your face. But until that day, you need to keep it nice and simple."

Won't anybody please think of the scaling back?

But really: I'm glad they edited that out every week until now. I don't know if I could deal with this show weekly if I had to listen to Tyra excuse her appearance like that.

Also: Tyra gets compared to RuPaul a lot, but she's straight Patti LaBelle in that shot. Actually, forget it: same thing.

Tyraism of the Week 4

This is not sexy, everybody. Imagine that!

1. So, about this Brooke elimination.

I don't know, Brooke was cute and all, and I enjoyed her as a presence on the show, but wasn't it clear that her days were numbered? In, like, every picture, she looked like she was holding a lemon wedge and some mashed potatoes in her mouth. This one from the Seventeen shoot was the only shot I ever liked of hers...

...and this was because she wasn't worried about being fierce or whatever. She got to play herself. I don't know, as the prizes from this show involve a contract with CoverGirl and a shot with Seventeen, I think it'd make more sense to promote the above kind of look and similar shots instead of the weekly traveling freak show, but that's just me.

I will miss Brooke, though. Who else in the world would say with such conviction...

"I know that being young is sometimes a little bit overwhelming." So cute! So precocious! So...Judy Blume.

In which Brooke defies spina bifida, attempts to put her estranged parents' marriage back together, masturbates furiously and all while menstruating all over everything.

2. Hey guys, Brooke's young young young, and Jaeda's hair is short short short.

Seriously, she mentions it so much, listening to her is like watching paint dry. Or hair grow. Or not. EVER! NO MORE GROWING HAIR FOR JAEDA EVER!!!

And I'm sorry for saying that Jaeda was a man before. She isn't...

...she's a machine.

3. And if Jaeda's hair is short short short, Anchal's body is...uh...thick thick thick.

I love how CariDee basically told Anchal, "Don't overeat," and Anchal's all, "Oh, Coach CariDee, please bestow more motivating dietary wisdom upon me." Here are more tips for Anchal:

• Food has calories.
• Calories stick to your ass.
• You chew food with your mouth. Though you may think this requires exertion, sadly, you burn few calories by chewing.
• You also don't burn calories by flapping your mouth, even though you do it a lot.

I did, however, think that because Anchal has some padding, she made the most convincing video ho (that's what they were going for with that bizarre table-walking challenge, right?):

God. "Such a pretty face," is like a model death sentence. Hello, the girl doesn't have spina bifida (though she is probably menstruating all over everyone) -- she just has, like, 10 extra lbs.

But really, I'm not saying this to stick up for Anchal because bitch has been getting on my nerves ever since she cooked herself four eggs. I mean, she's barely coherent...

"I'm very in-the-corner-type person. I'm so, like, self-conscious about everything." Well, have I got the job for you: modeling! You'll be ripped from the corner as though Patrick Swayze is your guardian angel. Additionally, you'll be scrutinized by everyone who looks at you for the rest of your life. And, to make this even more perfect, you'll get there by being on TV, so even people who don't know a damn thing about fashion and modeling will have the chance to look at you and weigh in. No pun intended, paneer thighs!

4. CariDee (whose mom, I believe, left a comment last week clearing up the mystery of the "D") is so hot.

You get the feeling that she can do, oh, lots of stuff, if this modeling thing doesn't work out.

I really love that she can't keep her clothes on.

That concludes this week's dose of CariDee love. CariDee for prez '06. What what.

Oh, but fuck Tyra for this:

"I feel like she's a little too eager. There's a difference between desire and desperation." Great, so when CariDee tones it down slightly, I suppose we can look forward to her being booted off for not wanting it enough. This fucking competition is a dance!

Also, Ty Ty: desire and desperation, fine, but what say you of derangement?

Hello?

5.

I could probably watch that all day.

Will you hate me if I say of this gif that, "She's bringing stanky back?" Yes? Damn.

Whatever, at least Melrose knows what irony is.

"It's kind of ironic that I'm the oldest one, and I'm doing the Seventeen magazine thing." Indeed it is, mag hag.

6. And speaking of stank...

I love that Eugena looks like Halle Berry in the beginning of Losing Isaiah, when she's all strung out and singing Domino's "Getto Jam" while being arrested. That is the hottest thing that ever happened in the history of cinema, and Eugena's nasty and dry attitude is one of the hottest things to happen to this ANTM cycle. "Melrose is a backstabbin' ho"? Eugena could definitely get on Flavor of Love 3 if she wants to continue the reality-TV thing.

Also, what was up with all the shit they gave her at panel for saying, "Maybe I was mad that day"?

You would have thought she started that sentence with, "Bitch..." Unlikeable? Hardly. More like...

I mean that, of course, as praise.

7. Amanda's shot really didn't capture how lovely she looked...

I mean, never been hotter:

Except, then she opened her mouth and turned into Tori Amos...

But, oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

8. Fabio is Meredith Vieira minus hormone replacement therapy.

9. Miss J is not a bird of paradise...

...more like a chickenhead. This is to say, he is most certainly NOT the baby daddy.

10. Uh...

...OK, Wonder Woman.

11. I never gave much thought to Dita Von Teese before...

...and I'm not a fan of burlesque performing at all, but it strikes me that Dita is doing exactly what she should be. I think she's contributing what she should be contributing to the world. Go Dita.

Amanda isn't so sure...

She's all, "Oh my God, is that lady bisexual or whatever?"

And just in case you need a refresher on whom Dita is...

Eugena still had no clue. You know, Eugena...Marilyn Manson. Here, I'll show you a picture:

12. And speaking of someone doing what they should be doing, Sutan impressed me with his Raja...thing.

Like Pete Burns meets...oh, I don't know...Concepcion from The Incredible Shrinking Woman. Something. Whatever, someone needs to alert Pedro Almodóvar of Sutan's existence like now.

13. Not Atooooooooosa...again!

I love how she was like, "I'm Atoosa...Seventeen magazine...my reign of evil...blahblahblah," and even the CW was like, bitch, we know who you is:

They covered up her name! Ha!

Oh, and now's a good time to say that it came to my attention that TVGasm made the AtooSaw comparison first. Well, probably not first in the world (it seems way too obvious a comparison for that), but certainly before I did. Just so you know, I'm not trying to rip anyone off. Keepin' it real like Tyra's tits!

14. I still can't get over that this isn't sexy.

Who knew?

Comments

[trick please]

Funny, funny stuff. I'm glad to see Brooke go for some reason. I'm liking the twins more and more.

[Lisa]

I thought the same thing about CariDee. It's like theres nothing wrong with her, so now they have to invent stuff.

[tia]

o no not concepcion! what was that song she sang about soap or something like that. jeez how young was i when that movie came out? you really took it way back.

[Samantha]

I LOVED the Judy Blume reference.....genius!

I always thought Altoosa looked like a Goblin!

[Laura]

wow I'm the first to leave a comment? I feel so cool LOL! Great recap as always. I am still crying over Brooke and will welcome her into my bed anytime LOL

[matt]

Aww the incredible shrinking woman AND judy blume all in the same recap.

I'll be missing Brooke, but really we all did know her days were numbered. But they could have kept her around until AFTER the most ironic day possible to eliminate her.

And say what you will about Melrose, I think she'll be around for alot longer than everyone thinks.

Oh and thank you for FINALLY coming out with the Anchal bashing.

[Joan]

Brilliant! Meredith Viera/Fabio was a gem! Thanks, Rich.

[Mer]

Eugena would be PERFECT on Flavor of Love. Rich, please pull some strings over at VH-1. Great recap as always!

[Freaky]

"You'll be ripped from the corner as though Patrick Swayze is your guardian angel."
Oh lord haha u are the only reason I still watch ANTM.
Too much love

[summer]

tyra is wearin.me.out. every ounce she gains seems to add on a pound of bitchyness. not the tybaby i know and love. like that comment to brooke after elimination about her graduation. so tired, tyra.

also her clothes look so uncomfortable, I wanna go change my outfit.

"paneer thighs"! Too funny. (And I say that as an Indian-American woman)

[Katie]

Your recaps make my week. I'm both disappointed and happy that you didn't include the Melrose/Fabio simulated sex session. Disappointed because it was such a show-stealing moment for me, happy because I don't think my lunch would have stayed down as I re-visited it.

[Baily]

I can't stand it that Brooke is gone...Jaeda has taken worse photos and bitches about her hair all the time.
I'm on the Caridee train now.
And...I hate Melrose...but I also love her. She teeters on the edge of Jade creepy but does it all surreptitiously. Kudos...even I am getting the wool pulled over my eyes.
Good post.
RIP Brooke - the show won't be the same without you.

[Ben]

Aw, AmandaTori. Poor thing.

I love Tori to bits, but homegirl does have a cracked grill.

[brandy]

I love in the photo where they covered Atoosa's name that she looks like an orge next to the two men and that one guy looks scared to death.
You hit the mark on Tyra's dress, it is so very wrong, I'm waiting for her to break out the stripes.

[lena]

Rectangle tongues scare me. The End.

[david]

love it. missed the episode this week, but it's sitting waiting on dvr. now i'll fill in the blanks from the recap.

SO! did anyone else read about how the cw (or whatever) is cracking down on tyra's weight gain?? according to some rumor sites, they're telling her to stop expanding. oh tyra. oh oh tyra.

[Emily McBrush]

I think Atoosa looks more like Madame of Hollywood Squares fame!

[Jason]

My monday morning coffee would not be complete without nother great post! Finally, the Anchal love has turned to Caridee.

Atoosa (obtusah), Meredith (Fabio), the bird of paradise and Wonder Woman are the characters that make up this week's installment of "the destruction of Tyra Banks"

[Sarcomical]

i love reading your recaps almost as much as i love watching and making fun of the show myself. ;)

personally, i'm most annoyed with jaeda right now. why is she there?!? she seems completely miserable and i think i take far too much enjoyment out of the fact that they make her the most masculine of all characters for each photo shoot. and each time she has to remind everybody how uncomfortable that makes her because she's "the pretty girl". shut up, SHUT UP!

[BAMsAlwaysLurkin]

Miss Jay = Roadrunner

MEEP! MEEP!

[e.i.]

Jaeda says "icky" a lot. She's a bit prissy for a man.

[sbrainb]

LOL!!! That comment about Fabio looking like Meredith Vieira without the hormones totally made my day!!!

[LaSexorcisto]

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY in God's name is Jaeda-wanna Mann still in there? She can't take good pictures (I did like the Terminator one but that's not a good look for a model). She bombed with the interviewing competition. She has a lousy attitude and if I hear her whining about her hair one more time I'm gonna go Videodrome on her ass and strangle her through my TV screen.

Eugena is annoying but I don't understand why the judges tore her a new one.

Anchal is really just so stupid sometimes. Maybe she needs to wire her jaw shut like that chick did in the Real World. So that way she won't eat as much and we don't have to listen to her insipid blabber. Everyone wins!

Brooke: You were too nice and wholesome for this train wreck. I'm sorry Tyra decided to rub your nose in it after you got the boot.

Caridee, Melrose and one of the creepy twins for the final 3.

[Rabies]

The Marilyn Manson eye just about made me wet myself. Didn't see that one coming. I live for your recaps. The only thing I think is missing is any sort of reference to how crappy the prizes are this year! I guess the CW doesn't get the kind of sponsorship that UPN did or something.