I'm thinking of a number between one and bullshit

Hmmmm...

Obviously, thanks to editing and, you know, having no sense of anything that it takes to sew a button on a shirt, let alone what it takes to make a garment, let alone a collection, I have no clue as to whether or not Jeffrey cheated. I don't even know what the rules are, really! (Like, he admitted to getting pleats put in some stuff -- that's cool? Huh?)

However, there are a few things that lead me to believe that the allegations are, in fact, fabricated:

• Laura inexplicably had it out for Jeffrey

Before the two-month break, Laura and Jeffrey seemingly shared a bout of bourgie banter when Heidi was going over the winner's prizes (one last time? please?)...

And Jeffrey was totally supportive of Laura's departing wiggle...

So everything seemed all good until the designers returned to New York, and bam!

"I really wanna win. If not for any other reason, just so that Jeffrey doesn't win." Uh, OK. That seems...diabolical.

"I didn't jump up off the sofa when Jeffrey came in, the way I did when Uli did." Because you knew that the next day you'd figure out he cheated, right?

And then after the cheating allegation was made known to all, Laura cried foul over Jeffrey's reaction...

"I would [have expected] him to say, you know, 'Hey, what the hell, bitch? I made this stuff myself. Shut up!'" Cute impression, but she seems a little disappointed, no?

Besides, Laura's point that "You don't pull craftsmanship like this out of your ass" is moot -- Jeffrey is an ass, so that's where all of his craftsmanship comes from.

• "Fuck yeah, it's perfect. This is fucking Bryant Park. Yeah, it's perfect."

Seriously.

Plus (as slutmachine pointed out to me the other day), didn't Jeffrey, on more than one occasion, finish his weekly challenge designs with time to spare? And, really, I understand Laura's "every hook, every seam" gripe, that Jeffrey's stuff is so polished that it's an unlikely thing to pull off. But impossible? I don't think so. It's not like his garments can teleport or cure herpes. They're clothes. If Jeffrey spent every waking moment working on his line, could he have turned out something so finished? It's possible, and when something's possible, you kind of owe the would-be cheater the benefit of the doubt.

• The preview for next week's show

Would they really have shown Jeffrey crying in the preview if he were somehow getting in trouble for cheating? Isn't that way too much information to reveal? Surely, this can't be what it seems. Right?!?

I know that at the same time, Jeffrey said that he's "scared" he won't be able to show, and he was really shifty about handing the receipts in, so who knows? My gut tells me that Laura was overzealous in her accusation (and, you know, so were Michael and Uli for basically agreeing with her). But you know what? I went into this episode not really caring about who wins the show (I blame fatigue), and now Wednesday can't come fast enough. Even if Laura's pulling the accusation out of her own ass, I won't hold it against her -- this drama is the finest thing she crafted all season.

Because, really the most exciting thing on this episode before Laura opened her mouth was the special guest...

...Tim Gunn. At this point I was like, "Oooh! I hope a German accent makes a cameo!"

So, even if the non-scandal portion of the episode was on the unexciting side, it was at least cute. So cute, in fact, that I'll break down each contestant's cute factor.

Michael

Cute: "By the way, I'm a brace-face now. You see I have braces now. So, let me just...Amereica, I have braces, so you can just call me Brace-face."

As if we'd hold it against him!

Cuter: His Buggin Out-meets-meets-Bobby Brown-meets-The Boys past...

Cutest:

It's hard to say what's more appealing: the staunch determination or the ever-so-slightly filled-out cheeks.

NOT HOT:

The only way this thing could invoke Michael's proposed "street safari" concept is if you consider walking through rows of slot machines to be a safari (although, have you been to Atlantic City lately?). Besides, when I hear "street safari," I want giraffes in white tees and Rhinos in Ecko.

He really did succeed in bringing it over the top, though...

...because I have a feeling that it'd be even too garish for Cristal Connors. She'd be all, "Darlin', please..."

No irony:

Laura

Cute: "And then when she moves, you get that sort of sparkle."

Sparkle motion!

Cuter: When Laura answered the door for Tim wearing her stone dress...

After weeks of wondering what Laura looked like naked, Tim was delighted to be one step closer to finding out.

Seriously: the hell?

Cutest: The way she woke Michael up when she arrived at the Flatotel (the setting of ANTM Cycle 1, btw!):

I think being a mommy is like being a cop: you're never not on the job.

NOT HOT 1:

Tim's reaction was priceless, though: "Here's my question, I'm gonna be perfectly blunt: Is this even pretty?" Well, you might not think so, but at least Eunice from Mama's Family and Whoopi Goldberg would think so, as the equation of this number is something like...

NOT HOT 2:

Again, priceless reaction from Tim: "Ew! I don't think I want any turtle poop!" He couldn't have been more grossed out if Laura's kid offered him a girl to kiss.

I think if Bravo wants to spin-off a series about Laura and her ever-expanding family, they should call it Laura and the Toxoplasmosis Gang.

Uli

Cute: Uli as a downtrodden German child.

You should see the outtakes of her tantrums over ill-fitting lederhosen!

Cuter: "How's your life Jeffrey? Are people throwing eggs at you?" Oh, Uli. Stop projecting!

Cutest: Uli was inspired to move to Miami by watching Miami Vice.

I'm so glad that she went that route, instead of getting caught up in the gritty underbelly of 5 o'clock shadow.

Cutest 2: "Maybe I'm the one who's gonna end up on top."

First of all: wrong show, sweetie (or just about). Second of all: awwwww!

NOT HOT: Nothing. There is nothing not hot or not cute about Uli. Surprises happens, indeed.

Jeffrey

Cute: Culling inspiration from "Japanese ghost and demon stories." Seriously, I think it's fresh.

Cuter: Melanie and Harrison...

Cutest: Jeffrey and Harrison...

Of course the undoubted sincerity of the above shot also doubles as more damage control (i.e. ProjRun producers: "See, he does have a heart!")...

And speaking of damage control:

Here, I'll save you the trouble: "Michael already said he isn't gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Don't you read the [not-at-all-planted] gossip?"

NOT HOT: The crime against nature that is the back of Jeffrey's head.

From the side...

...a rat tail.

From the back...

...a beaver.

Either way, I say trap it!

Finally here's your new ringtone.

I couldn't cheat you out of that.

Comments

[Deschanel]

"Drive a Saturn? Me?"
Hilarious.

[Erin]

I completely agree with your point about Jeffery. It is, after all, possible that every moment of his two month allowance could have been spent perfecting his collection! Unless the editors got a little overzealous and left out some crucial information....

[soulstar]

First! I hope Michael wins, but I get the feeling he didn't.

[Pepe Deluxe]

Laura totally sharted. A classy shart.

[lk]

i don't think laura having it out for jeffrey was all that sudden:

1. "well if you're so darn smart then WHAT'RE you even doing here jeffrey?" (or something...)

2. we've seen that she's perfectly capable of not liking someone for something (she hated kayne's designs) but still being nice to them occasionally

so i don't know either if jeffrey cheated or not, but i do think that laura's accusations were sincere (not JUST being mean).

[j. blanke]

ooooooh you know me all too well. i was FREAKING out about michael's gumby. and you posted a damn BOYS video. i was a member of their fan club. for shame.
i think jeffrey is poised to win at this point. this is some top model style drama. but with more neck, and less forehead.
and btw: did you SEE Laura's husband?! she's had 5 babies for that guy? with one on the way? i think she had them for his wallet. she is so shady...

[Pepe Deluxe]

OH by the way...did anyone see Jeffrey's "Slut" coffee mug? I'm sure he gave that mug to Tim.

[diva deejay]

As much as I dislike the sneeky, uber-competitive person depicted on PR, I think Uli will win the season. Her collection was FABULOUS!

Michael is talented, has won the $10K,but judging by his collection, he's not quite ready for the big time!

Laura and Jeffrey have gained the exposure they lacked to build their brands. Each is very talented and quite capable of selling themselves to consumers.

Each designer gains the one thing each needed to launch his/her career.

[Julia]

Nobody's breasts are that perky when they are pregnant, I declare shenanigans on Laura's plaster pg belly.

I don't care who wins as long as it is not Laura. Can someone with boobies PLEASE wear his sternum dresses....

Also, Uli rocks the house living in East Germany, she lived in COMMUNIST hell hole for years, she can design prints til the live long day, she gets a free pass!

Jeffrey did not cheat, I wanted him to ask all the other designers if they worked from 6am to 2am everydamnday? Prolly not.
Julia

[Carolina]

I hate disagreeing with you, Rich! BUT I don't find anything cute or charming about Uli. I found her remarks conceited and smug. She'll probably win, but if that means going to the land of has-beens, with Chloe Dao, I'm down with that.

[Drew]

LOL loved this. why are you so genius?

I dunno about Jeff though: wasn't he doing the ProjRun Collection *and* his own personal collection?

And I LOVED Uli's place

[E.J.]

Haha, I always think of that pukey, puce color as Eunice green too!

[Heather B.]

With wednesday fast approaching, I can honestly say that I'm so very bummed about no more ProRun recaps from you. Seriously, I'm getting a little teary eyed.

[Tanith]

I guess Laura got a free Viennese talking cure from her husband.

He's part Civil War ghost, part Leon Trotsky, and all spunk machine, apparently.

I was paralyzed with class hatred seeing her apartment, but felt better when I found out it was covered in contagion-breeding feces (not to mention 5 feces-sculpting goblin children).

I had to roll my eyes when Jeffrey talked about being cut down from the gallows. If the producers were hording the sympathy moments, they WAY overcooked it. He's still an assbag, just a tiresomely self-destructive one. His wife is famazing though.

Everybody's clothes looked great -- particularly Jeffrey's -- with the major exception of Michael. I swear he was hetero-reprogrammed back in ATL. They tried to pray that swish out of him like the demon. This hoochie, tasteless collection is the result of his queer-exorcism. It looks like it was designed by Lil Bow Wow.

On the other hand, how cute was it when his dad mentioned that for the longest time the whole family thought that he was going to turn out to be a "beautician"?

I still love him. Michael -- I'll be your beard any day. E-mail me.

[JR]

I love your recaps, but the Donnie Darko shoutout? Brilliant, just brilliant.

[angela]

Trap it! Indeed. You are the best recapper ever.

[dickieangenson]

I love Laura, but I was not happy that she took this campaign against Jeffrey (who I despise) and ran with it. However, I am not the one in a life-altering competition and the fact that he boasted about working on a whole separate collection at the same time was not smart.

When I saw how complete his collection was the first thing I thought was "Of course, he's an addict. Addicts never sleep."

Still love Laura though.

[Glenda]

Laura's witch hunt is the worst. Jeffrey always had time to spare, he has speed freak passion, Laura finished everything with 5 kids and pregnancy, who is to say her sewing instructor mother didn't help her. A false accusation is so evil that it is one of the ten commandments "Do Not Bear False Witness Against Others".

[4u2c]

What? What??
Not a word about Michael's neck tattoo?
Now I wasn't seeing things was I?

[Lasima Begum]

Rich, great commentary. I thought Laura's apt was so fab. She is married to Peter Shelton, who is a v. well renowned artist and architect. I think a couple of his pieces are still on display at MoMA and Guggenheim. Did you notice the Rothko from the blue plates series?

[Plain]

I too suffer a major case of Runway fatigue. I have lost all anticipation, its like reading a book that is 100 pages too long. That said, just the sight of Laura's luggage is enough to sustain me till the end.

[Jess]

Ohh, such a nice Sunday surprise! I loved the part about the "street safari." I don't really have a favorite to win because I still miss Santino -and not because he was a talented designer, but at least he was occasionally funny and his impersonations of Tim and Michael Kors were always amusing, unlike EVERYONE from this season.

Tanith, your comments busted me up. Laura's husband looked a bit like Don Quixote as well, and, as my brother commented, a little bit of Richard Dreyfuss mixed with Einstein.
Yes, Michael's collection did look like something form the mind of Bow Wow ( back when he was still Lil'). Perhpas Michael got confused by all the talk of "Wow"-ing the judges.

[FoxxyBrown]

4u2c -- what about Michael's neck tattoo? what? what'd I miss????

Lasima -- So Peter Shelton prob has money to front Laura's business. After seeing her apartment, I could not BE-lieve she said something how nice it would be to win the $100K because she's never had the money to start her own line. Puh-leeeeez.

[FoxxyBrown]

Laura should have her own show! I thought the line she used when she was packing, "I'm a very efficient designer and I'm very efficient at packing" was weird. Who was she talking to? Uli? Herself? The producers? Us? I get the impression that she is very comfortable with breaking the 4th wall.