Uncomfortable, isn't it?

Not hardly, Heidi! Sure, the reunion special was a little slow, a little bland and only succeeded in exposing unresolved issues instead of, you know, resolving them. But on the plus side, we got to see Alison again, we learned more about Jeffrey's colon than we ever wanted to know (and here I thought Robert had the most active ass in the competition) and we got to see this:

Who says pregnant women can't be sexy?

On top of all that, what's more entertaining than watching people lie for an hour? My favorite lie?

"I have received over 2 million emails." That includes spam, right? Malan's all, "'VrAGRA for less?' They do care!" But really, if it isn't spam, how the hell did he find time to count all those emails? Didn't he have a fashion show to put on? I'd speculate on the truthfulness of his explanation that his accent is a "derivative" of his jetsetting or sea sailing or land lubbing or Pipi Longstocking-esque lifestyle as a child, too, but honestly, I've stopped caring.

Really, I think Malan is crying on the inside.

Another beloved liar: Keith. Heidi asked him about the aftermath of his booting, and he was like:

I like how after he tried the "It wasn't in the contract that we couldn't bring books" route, he announced his shifting of gears ("All right, well, OK, so..." = "If you don't buy that one, how about this one?") with, "They were taken away from me when I got here. They were then returned a week later to my room. I was then dismissed from the show for having books in my room...Uncomfortable isn't it." Uncomfortable? Only if you find watching people choke while they try to convince you that there's Veraci-Tea in their cup. Personally, I think enjoy it.

Rounding off the trilogy of lies is Angela. Did you notice how shifty her eyes were when she was telling the story of her not being able to go anywhere in L.A. without being mobbed?

Really shifty.

You know who I totally believe, though? Robert.

"It was a shock to me when I was aufed!" You say sarcastic, I say smug.

How boring is Robert? Tim rides a multisyllabic rainbow (thank god the producers/editors have allowed Tim Gunn to be more than a catchphrase dispenser -- the Tim Gunn thesaurus segment was perhaps the most endearing portrait of him all season). Laura gets to spout the vivid creation that is all her own: "serious ugly." Bradley gets weird noises. Vincent gets the endlessly entertaining and equally repulsive "turns me on." What does Robert get?

He gets "boring." How...boring.

You know who also told the truth, though?

The underused, still-underappreciated (she shoulda won that viewer's choice prize, damn it!) Alison. "Animals make me happy." Ha. Ha! You know I called it!

You know what makes me happy? Alison with animals.

That's my girl!

And speaking of cutsey...

I like how aw-shucks Bonnie was when telling the story of the hussie who went up to her and told her that she sucked. All she could do was ...and...and...and.... Has she been hanging out with Alison's Care Bears? Anyone else would have swung around that instigating bitch by the weave (or, gasp, natural hair)...right?

On the other side of cuddly is Angela and Jeffrey, who resolved absolutely nothing by talking once again about the incident with Angela's mom. Look, I like Angela and all. I think that even though her mom was maybe a little out of line (as Laura explained, she took things too personally), she still deserved respect. In retrospect, I think Jeffrey had a right to be exasperated, but no right to be a total prick. Still, when they revisited this dispute, they were just going through the motions -- it's like Bravo just needed to include something on the Jeffrey-Angela rivalry, and this is all they could scrounge. Anyway, if they get to go through the motions, so do I.

At the risk of emulating Robert: boring.

Before I get to the man who's entirely too complex to exist in such simple boundaries as truth and lie, here's a brief roundup of some contestants who clearly watched themselves on TV, took note and made changes.

I actually never found his uneven teeth bothersome, but whatever...

...go on, you ray of sunshine, you.

I think he soaked up Michael's rays. Also (and forgive me for not having a side-to-side comparison), but I never noticed before that Kayne looks a lot like D.J. from Roseanne, back in the earlier seasons when D.J. was young enough to get away with staring into the camera. You may not see it now, but one day you'll be watching an old episode of Roseanne and it'll hit you and your life will be complete.

Bradley...did...this...

...

Laura filled out! I wonder what her secret is.

(But for real: hottest pregnant woman ever? Maybe! Muscle Milk springs forth from her fertile breasts? For sure!)

And finally:

Good old Vincent. One of his shining moments was when he tried to clear up his use of the word "amateur" to describe the other designers. "When I said 'amateur,' I meant 'amateur' not being up to that level of design." So, in other words: "I wasn't being an asshole. I was being an asshole."

And then there was that awesome spaz fest over his laundry. My two favorite things about this? It starts with Vincent referring to someone as "dawg" (this part obviously wasn't in the clip). The other best thing?

The producer he's screaming at is wearing a Danzig shirt. Mommy, can I go out and crazy tonight?

But really, it was fucked up how they treated Little Vinny's clothes. They didn't have to look any further than his own line of products to treat his expensive stuff they way it should be treated...

A big reveal during the episode: Vincent doesn't go to "blogspots." Phew! I can finally tell you what I've been too afraid to say if Vincent should ever see this blog: he eats babies and has four testicles.

Second-to-lastly:

Here's your new ringtone. No wait, use this one. Nah, better make it this. This show's always good for at least that.

Michael Kors: picking up where Fred Schneider left pop culture.

And, finally: I thought I hated him, but it turns out that I love Jay McCarroll.

"I definitely think Michael Knight's gonna win, because you pick the gay white guy first. Then you pick the Asian immigrant second. And, you're gonna pick the black guy third."

Finally, someone who gets it!

Comments

[Blair]

awesome recap. You are a genius.

[Aubyn]

Wow i have never been first-i totally agree with you about the reunion show rich. I also felt bad for the first woman auf'd because she was sitting on the left side of the couch and nobody really knew who it was. and bradley is so hot cher would do him now.

i love bradley.
and alison.

[Lauren]

I loved how when Keith tried to make excuses, all of the other designers were like, "Oh, helllllll no, buddy." Uncomfortable, isn't it?

[Blair]

wow! i was the first comment on this wonderful and sassy blog!

[queer on paper]

Great recap! I agree with the Angela's mom boring back and forth. I wanted them to do more than just agree to disagree. Laura rocks my box. Keith was so pissed that he signed the contract that said he had to be there. He just sat there the whole time seething. Who else thought it was cheap that they had him arrive on his own. I felt used. Keep up the great work!

[Hateraid]

Okay, fess up!!! How did you find that picture of Chester Cheetoh? LUV IT!!!!
You didn't talk about Vincent's BIG LIE....that anything he wore cost $150.

[true]

Rich, you've done it again! Wonderful as usual. I yelled out "MICHAEL GOT BRACES!!!!!!!" when I pointed it out to my sister-in-law. We both laughed & laughed. I was surprised and happy. Unlike you Rich, his snaggle tooth was getting on my nerves. Thank God he fixed it. I'm just glad I got to read this today. It made my night!

[N]

HAHA oh jay..

[Tremayne]

No. He really said that?

[scout]

The recap merely made me love Laura more.

It also confirmed my suspicions that perhaps Bradley is schizophrenic, Angela never had the talent to be there in the first place and Jeffrey IS the prick they portrayed him to be.

And am I the only one that sees Jay McCarroll morphing into Truman Capote?

[AlinA]

omg seeing Winston amongst all of the animals around Alison was the best thing i've seen all day.

[who cares]

QUOTE: And am I the only one that sees Jay McCarroll morphing into Truman Capote?

I thought it's Perez Hilton that's turning into TC. You know, the short, social-parasite, burned-out hack TC. Not brilliant pioneer of creative nonfiction TC.

[mags]

At first, I thought Dear Michael got all Dirty South on us and got himself a grill, but then I realized it was braces. I didn't think his teeth were all that bad.

I'm with you though: This reunion episode - Vincent's diva rant aside - was kinda ... "eh."

[honeybfly]

Smootches for posting a day early! I was going to be in meetings all day and would not have been able to focus b/c I hadn't seen your recap. Reunion show = snooze fest, but as always, you make it shine.
Thanks!

[D.L.McNair]

I have two favorites from this re-cap.

When talking about Laura:

Maybe! Muscle Milk springs forth from her fertile breasts? For sure!)

When talking about Jay Carroll saying Michael Knight should win and that somebody finally gets it! It's the same thing that happened on The Apprentise. First the white guy, then the white chick, and then the black guy. It's a formula!

LOL Funny as always, seriously!

[Gina]

Yo, I cant believe they didnt do a "flerchon" vignette for Angela!

[ChrisinDC]

Absolutely loved how Laura just rolled her eyes while Keith was talking. It summed up what every other designer was thinking without having to say a word. I love her!

[Wendy]

Yeah, pretty boring when all they really needed was to recap everyone's habits. Where's Santino's fabulous Tim Gunn impersonations when you need them?

[acolyte]

After watching 10 minutes of the show, I was bored. I thought, what the heck, I'll just read what Rich has to say, he will transmogrify this crap into gold. And you did!

(Animals make me happy, too.)

[Jessica]

Agreed ... Winston + Alison = love.

And I wish I could read more of shifty Angela's newspaper ... And that "how uncomfortable" had never been said -- it circles through my head daily now!

[Lasima Begum]

Rich, this was good!

[Janie]

You confuse me. Do I agree with you because I love you? Do I love you because I agree with you?

[ian]

why is sebastian the crab trying to grab that hippo's ass in the allison picture?

[gemma]

uhm, I really find it adorable that you put Winston in with all the cartoon animals.