Out and out

For her final trick, I really wanted Michelle to put her tongue between those two fingers, further highlighting her status as America's next top (or possibly bottom -- who knows?) lez. Missed opportunity!

Another missed opportunity: it only now strikes me that I dropped the ball with her. Why didn't it occur to me to call her a lesbitwin? Why, God, why? (Although Emily Magazine did just that, so I didn't have to!)

I'm getting too old for this shit.

66. Eugena

I have no idea if I just missed it or they didn't actually show this shot last week, but I didn't catch Eugena crying. Perhaps I was too distracted by her floor show.

67. Amanda

As you're about to find out, I have no fucking idea why Amanda was crying here.

68. Michelle

Michelle felt frustra...oh my god! Look at the size of that hand! She's gonna be really popular with the ladies when she gets back to wherever she lives.

69. Michelle

Michelle worries that she has "the weakness." If that sounds like a disease, good. It's supposed to. Not wanting it enough is the leprosy of ANTM.

70. CariDee

CariDee is kind of like the green eggs and ham of this competition for me. I like her sexy ass, I like her as a spaz. I've liked her from the start, I like her falling apart.

71. CariDee

Sorry. I'm out of rhymes.

72. Amanda

Sadness over her sister's elimination. Oooh! The first signs of separation anxiety. I can't wait to revel in her pain!

Neither can Tyra, as we see in the first Tyraism of the Week. This one is epic, y'all.

It starts with Tyra explaining ANTM's contribution to a world that's bereft of advisement for potential models. Amazing, right? What did girls that were too old, too short and too large in the hips do before it?

Then, because her sadism knows no bounds, Tyra asks the girls, "What is the harshest thing that you have heard in the judging room since you've been in this competition?" In other words, "Remember when we hurt you? Yeah. Relive that." She then smiles as the girls share their pain.

Like, a few times.

She's so proud that they haven't forgotten their beat-downs at the hands of the panel.

Then, as if her great service to the world hasn't been enough, Tyra makes an explicit bid for martyrdom: "So after this competition, I want you to be strong enough and lift your head up high and be able to handle anything and everything that comes your way. I want you speak well. I want you to look great. I want you to be intelligent. I want you to know this industry. And if I have to say things that make you hate me and make your fans hate me, so be it. I'm gonna sacrifice myself for you." Basically, Tyra is Jesus. She is such an overachiever!

(Also, don't kid yourself Tyra: your ruthlessness toward the girls is but one of many reasons that we hate you.)

Tyra tops it off with more justification for her reality show circus:

"All right, so you just know, that's what it is. And it's harsh and it's strong and I'm gonna see you in judging very soon. And I'm going to be that. It's coming from a place of love and a place of mama. It's mama. It's the coach. And the one thing that's important to know is that when you're getting coached and trained with something, it's the worst feeling of the world, and you reject it. You're like, 'Ugh!' But then when you're in the jungle and then things are happening that the coach said, you're like, 'Dang! Oh my gosh, it's coming true.' One day it's gonna hit you, like, 'Dang. Tyra said that.'"

Christ. Where to start? First, "a place of mama?" It's interesting that Tyra judges from her uterus. Second, why wait for the girls to stumble upon the jungle themselves? Why not send them there on a challenge? Third, I love her mark-my-words sentiment. Forget what I said before. She isn't Jesus. She is the Prophet Tyra. Dang.

Tyraism of the Week 2:

(On Eugena's picture) "I was looking at it like, Who is this girl? Why does she have passion in her eyes in almost every single frame?"

Hmmmm. It couldn't be that with only two episodes left, the dramatic arc of the show needs someone to come from behind and threaten an upset, could it?

(Also, I put up the side-by-side of Miss J and Eugena so that I don't have to talk about how stupid Miss J is for saying that Eugena looks like him. No she doesn't Miss J, but it's nice that you think you're pretty. Whatever it takes to keep you going and doing stupid things with your hair.)

Tyraism of the Week 3

(In reference to Amanda) "...the girl that has all the drive in the world..." After talking about Michelle's natural ability without describing her as "the girl with all the potential in the world," Tyra couldn't hold it in any more and had to make up this phrase that we'll perhaps hear in cycles to come. She just had to say it, as per her Tourette's. Or is that Tyrette's?

Sigh.

1. Oh, so when Tyra compared talked about sacrificing herself, here's what Melrose did:

And really, here's what she was going for:

She's so eager to please she was like, "Portugal is but a hop, skip and a jump away, Prophet Tyra. Can I fetch you some holy water of Fatima? I hear Lourdes makes some good stuff, too, and I wouldn't even have to leave the country for that..." [Edit: Oops!]

Here's the only way she could have been prettier in the situation:

This is, by the way, the second time Mother Teresa has appeared in one of these recaps. She's practically Atoosa (but bitchier).

Also, to reference another reference, I can't see anyone but Shirley Phelps Roper when I look at Melrose most of the time.

I wonder what would make SPR hate (read: "love") me more: that I'm a fag or that I'm a fag-enabler enabler?

2. And speaking of past references, if there were any time to invoke the name of Judy Blume, surely it'd be in response to Michelle's walk.

Like, OK, Deenie. I think she needs that rod that Nigel pulled out of his ass for her back.

(Didn't Deenie want to be a model, too? Very interesting. Michelle, now that the cameras aren't on you constantly, hit the tub. You've got some exploring to do!)

Also, Michelle looked a bit like Macaulay Culkin in her shot, no?

3. This all leads me to point out that the past is ANTM's worst enemy. If it seems boring now, it's because it's been there and done almost everything. So for example, it would be just cheap to exploit what was clearly a case of impetigo that Michelle came down with...

Yawn. Skin-eating virus. Over it.

And they surely couldn't make a big deal about CariDee's makeout sesh.

(This whispering sounds way post-coital.)

For what good is international infidelity if there's no one back home to shriek, "You had sex?"

Is there simply nothing left for this show to cover?

4. Not at all, actually! As long as there's bizarre, socially awkward shit like this, I'll always be tuning in:

What the fuck? Seriously. I guess this person helped Amanda find a cab as she was frantically rushing back after the go-sees? Maybe? I don't know. I have a few more hypotheses for how their exchange went down:

Or maybe...

Or perhaps...

Somethin'.

5. Amanda and WTF are two tastes that taste great together, apparently, because:

"Spanish guys and American guys are very similar. They all have the same jokes and stuff, but Spanish guys smell better." Jokes? Smell? Ah, the universal language of, "Pull my finger."

6. This is like a picture Daily Double:

The answer: CariDee couldn't help reacting strongly to this shady fashion folly.

The question: What is a pair of sunglasses in the most bourgie position possible silkscreened on the T-shirt of Panco Saula, the director of Elite Barcelona.

7. I guess I should mention this:

The foolhardiness of this statement does very little to cancel out how ultimately awesome it is that CariDee said this to Nigel. God, I love that girl.

Also, Nigel is awfully sensitive about the suggestion of things being up his ass, no?

Also, way to exhibit that ANTM brain/linguistic rot that seems to overtake everyone involved on this show...

"You know me, but you don't know me." Not even, "You know me, but you don't know me." Gay.

It's nice, though, that Nigel looks even better than usual in natural light.

Hey, Nidge, if you ever get sick of holding that rod, I have one for you.

8. Jay, on the other hand...

I'm sorry. I cannot take a man with a smoky eye seriously. Ever.

A man dressed as a matador, however, is a different story.

I believe every word.

As I don't know actually where to begin with this (except for the fact that I admire his keeping it real in the crotch region), I will defer to Eugena: "Mr. Jay doesn't look like a matador at all. He looks like...Mr. Jay in a matador costume." Works for me. Probably the worst costume for today, I'd say.

9. Also, at one point, Eugena said CariDee was all over the place. I say, you're all over the place, Eugena!

She is framed totally weird here. The girls are never in the center during their confessionals. They're off to the right:

Yeah, I'm being pedantic, but shit, it's not like I have anything better to do.

10. I loved Twiggy's little squabble with Nigel.

Even she's over this show, and she just got here two cycles ago!

11. In an email, Brandon H. said to me that he thinks Miss J looks like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty.

I think it's wrong to use the words "Miss J" and "beauty" in the same sentence.

12. Did you notice all of Tyra's cool lingo this episode?

She gave "holla." She gave "dope." She gave "hoochie." She gave "hustle."

Dang. Tyra said that?

Oh my gosh, it's coming true! The prophecy is coming true!

Comments

[joanie4eva]

First, first, fiiiiirst!!!!
Oh yeah I think Eugena finally took a good picture!

[joanie4eva]

By the way, Lourdes is in France not Spain!

[matt]

The Virgin Melrose rocks.

As does, Home Alone Amanda style, Impetigo (what was up with that anyways), Judging from tyra's uterus, and the whole entire Mama Tyra bit.

But nothing. NOTHING. Could have prepared me for Michelle's Deenie walk! HA!!!!!

It is really weird. Like she decided to do the horse walk and combined it with scoliosis.

But do you think that later when her dad confronts her about her whoring around she yells: It's because of the Scoliosis Dad!

Oh and yes, Deenie's mom wanted her to be a model. All Deenie wanted to do was masturbate.

[Jessie]

What I liked best was that in the second Tyraism she talks about how she wants them to come out of this competition with intellegence. I laughed out loud at that one.

[david]

fantastic. thanks!

THIS FUCKING SUCKED SORRY TO SAY

[i love winston]

Kicking ass as usual. I can't believe there are only two more episodes left. Sniff.

Is Tyra is kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way?

[Olalamji]

I can't take this show seriously anymore. It has no integrity or seriousness of purpose. And last cycles winner, 'Dani', oh dear!

[missy]

as far as the 10:57 comment goes...what are you talking about? stop being a dumpster cunt and dont put up a post if you're just gonna be a stupid twat and say dumb shit.

moving on: this was an AMAZING post...i didnt want it to end! lol melrose prettier as mother theresa, "coming from a place of mama," and MALEFICENT! kudos bitch.

[nhuixnhuix]

The dramatic arc of the show needs someone to come from behind and threaten an upset and the racial balance of the show requires a black girl to be in the finals. We were on the verge of having an all-white finals for the first time since the first season.
Eugena is pretty but she is no ANTM winner potential so that kind of obvious manipulation sucks.
Oh well.

[Kate]

Loved the Phelps reference- hahahahaha. There is no end to Melrose's sketchiness. Kudos for another awesome post.

[Penny Woods]

Aww, I thought that J was going to be killed in a bullfight by Jay.

[jammer]

malificent. good lord.
did you see tyra the other day with beyonce and her mama on? they had a fashion show and they dragged out the corpses of top models past-- joanie, FURONDA, mercedes, a pregnant/fat porn-star face (the amazonian one from the season with eva, i think?), AND LLUVY. it was the hottest of all messes. thank god for joanie!

[amanda]

uhhh this didn't suck and that person is a fucking idiot for writing that!!!!! keep doing what you are doing cause its hilarious and don't listen to the haters!!!!

[Joe]

Alas -

You seem genuinely bored with ANTM. I don't particularly blame you since it's the least surprising show on television. Hope it doesn't last, your recaps are usually inspired. Have you lost your Tyra mojo?

[James Derek Dwyer]

"your gender and species elude me" hee hee

[Sarah]

I loved when Tyra had the epiphany that maybe Michelle was sacrificing her chances for Amanda and all the judges had simultaneous braingasms. "oooh Tyra you are SOOO right!! Why couldn't WE come up with that!?!?"

[Sarah]

It took me a minute, but OMFG Deenie!!!

You never fail to amaze me, Rich. Keep up the good work.

[Sarah]

By the by, I thought that CariDee was crying to her boyfriend last episode?

Scandalicious.

i was watching the cycle one marathon (which i missed) on mtv or somehting over the weekend, and jeez tyra was so pretty without her 4-tone eyeshadow and weird lasagna hair. it was only 3 years ago, wtf happened to her?

[Brandon H]

Thanks for the shout out, Rich! Glad you saw the evil in Miss J that I did. As far as Eugena goes, I was fooled at first too into thinking that she was going to come up from behind and win the competition, but they keep playing up how cold she is. The writers are setting us up to have her in the final two but then have CariDee win out.

I can understand how the early comment was made by nhuixnhuix about the show playing the race card with having Eugena make it this far but this is America and this IS television- so they're going to pick the winner according to demographic so not to exclude any racial group. If Eva and then Naima wouldn't have won in a row before, do you believe that boring ass, doll faced Nicole could have actually beat out Nik who did better than her the entire competition! Please, she won because the audience would have wanted to see more than just a biracial and/or fair-skinned african american win for a third time in a row.

[shocka]

as always spot-on and hilarious... did anyone else notice ty-ty's oh-so-subtle 3/4 profile stance during elimination? big girl walks it like she talks it.

[Maya]

Speaking of weird racial tension, has anyone else noticed that the white girls usually win challanges and only pick other white girls to share in the reward?

Also, why did they make the girls take photographs with the bull in the arena when they were just going to edit in different footage of the bull? Did puttign that "fear factor" in and endagering the contestants, photographers, and crew really make good tv? I think not. That was Bull**** (sorry i could not resist the pun)

[KarinGal]

"Probably the worst costume for today, I'd say." Oh, please tell me you're going to do a dissection of Grey Gardens, just like you did with Living Dolls...

You pull off "staunch" so well.

[LaSexorcisto]

Brandon: I don't exactly agree with your take on why Nicole won but I do agree that Nik was the best overall. I didn't mind Nicole winning tho, she's doing pretty well these days compared to some of the other winners like Eva and Naima.

Rich, once again, you make my case of the Mondays go away. The Amanda WTF exchange with the kind Spaniard was brilliant.

CariDee HAS been acting like she has it in the bag. Which she does, but I didn't mind that she was made to grovel. Melrose is still...Melrose. Her picture was really bad; her face looked so pinched! Michelle and Amanda will always be ugly to me and I won't be convinced otherwise. Eugena took a good picture, yes. I still don't see what's so great about her. Her "journey" has taken her from terrible to mediocre. Yay.