Rewards for fame

I don't know exactly what it is about the Billboard Music Awards that I find so compelling, but, as I said last year, it probably has to do with the pronounced absurdity of a show that essentially says to pop stars, "The money and fame you've reaped from your hit songs and albums simply isn't enough. Here, have some trophies."

The last awards show I wrote about provoked many questions in me, and last night's Billboard Music Awards ceremony was no different. I just don't understand these celebs and their ways! What follows is a list of questions that popped into my head. If you have any answers, please chime in. Anything to help demystify fame!

My first question is: What about Ne-Yo? Where was he? Wasn't he big in '06?

My second question: What about Janet Jackson's brain chemistry would give her the idea to perform one of her most beloved classics ("The Pleasure Principle") and one of her most recent and visible flops ("So Excited") back-to-back? Did she aim to produce a contrast that would illustrate the dire state of her career, or was that just an accident?

Does Kid Rock wear a hat so that we don't confuse him for Captain Caveman?

Do you have any idea what Flavor Flav is trying to say here? Does he?

Were Nelly Furtado's scrunch-faced guffaws during her acceptance speech yet another sign of Ugly Betty's pop-culture pervasiveness?

(I ask this because I find it endearing, btw.)

Was country sensation Wynonna, in fact, not Wynonna but Arnold Schwarzenegger in futuristic drag a la Total Recall? Should we get ready for a big surprise?

What do you think Carrie Underwood's diet has consisted of over the past year? I say: ice.

Has Fergie's face finally settled, or is having it partially covered by her hair a really good look for her?

...or is she just merging with Beyoncé?

(Come to think of it, have Fergie and Beyoncé ever been spotted at the same place at the same time? Hmmmm.)

Does this guy look nervous because he's about to have to say "chiz-art" in front of an unforgiving country?

Should I feel embarrassed that I'm not only attracted to a guy who sounds like second-rate Nickelback on a good day, but that I'm, like, animally attracted to him?

Do you think this kid is secretly...

...Lindsay Lohan?

Isn't it kinda gay that Young Jeezy had a wardrobe change over the course of a five-minute performance?

Is Pharell really still trying to convince us that his "yezzir" thing is cool?

(Seriously Pharrell: stop trying to make "yezzir" happen!)

Did this Danity Kane floozie lose her clutch and figure her vagina was an adequate substitute?

Why, Denise? Why?

Do you think that in addition to "coke whore," Gwen Stefani's new image involves incorporating a sort of retarded chic?

If Rihanna is the Female Artist of the Year (and, really? She is?) then why did she send Christina Ricci up to the stage to pick up her trophy?

Three Days Grace?

Who?

I guess it's nice to celebrate him while he's still here, but when Tony Bennett bites it, won't the subsequent tributes feel a little redundant?

Also: what do you think Stevie Wonder's breath smells like?

Is this really necessary, Mary?

(Seriously, what'd that mic do to her to deserve that?)

And finally: do you think Paula Abdul was hired to present as American Idol promo, or just because you know that laughter abounds whenever Paula's around?

(Download)

I love the half-hearted attempt at devil horns and that her head is plastered to Big Kenny's shoulder during her lines, but the flower tweak is what really made my night.

Comments

[GO]

Hilarious as always.

Rihanna really does look like Christsina Ricci. That's scary!

I wonder what is hiding in Denise Richard's hair? Bugs? a mouse? perhaps a new little birdie-friend? Four-Four ROCKS!!!!

[Trey]

HA!
I thought Dlisted's Rihanna comparison to a Bratz doll was funny, but I was really thinking "what a forehead". Then I come to FourFour and you hit the nail on the head. (pun intended) I love you Rich! You always make my day!

[DonnyB]

I really, really want to like Janet's performance because she actually worked her ass off instead of coasting on half-assedly performance choreography. And I thought the choreography at the Billboard Awards was hot (they at least chose the right version of the song to open an awards show). But a) you could barely hear her and b) I STILL don't understand how performing a twenty-year-old song will convince people to buy her NEW record.

[nilla4me]

How's this for kismet. I'm sitting here listening to the recently purchased album DAUGHTRY (which this man is loving), as I tumble across this here posting and pic. If his wife wasn't such a GREAT person, there would be hell to pay. Hell, I tell you. Sometimes North Carolina really is a blessed state.

He oozes "charisma" [and considering the recent supreme court decision, read that as a substitute] that makes you melt.

That's why you are animally attracted to him.

[Sarah]

Are Janet's abs painted on a la Mariah?

So is it too hard for Fergie to actually move and sing at the same time? Did anyone else notice that she just stood there and sang half-assedly? And as much as I love her, I think Nelly Furtado was on crack during that acceptance. Tourettes? Meth?

[killervirgo]

I never made it beyond Janet's performance last night. I really wanted to like it but the bad choreography, the shoulder pads, and that wig (which was passed from Madonna to Britney, and now Janet) was just all wrong. But, I will be in front row at her concert this spring.

P.S. - love the House Party banner, and the Total Recall reference.

[Keisha]

Haha, Rich, go check Fresh's pg! She's in need of a nickname for Rihanna's stage persona...

I just refuse to watch the BMAs. (Yes, I did that.) Basically bc it's regurgitating the same stuff I heard ALL DAMN YEAR LONG. I totally agree w/ the "let's just give you some trophies" sentiment.

[dan]

1) Beyonce does a movie with Jennifer Hudson.

2) Everyone freaks out about Jennifer Hudson's performance and it totally overshadows her own.

3) Beyonce's boyfriend develops this little singing girl named Rhianna.

4) Rhianna and Beyonce are both nominated for the same award. Rhianna wins.

Beyonce is having a rough month.

[b_g]

TWO WEEKS! TWO WEEKS!!!

[Maya]

so, I have been prematurely mourning the end of ANTM becasue i will miss your recaps, but this post makes me realize that the end of ANTM will just allow you to move on to bigger and better things, or in all reality lamer and more hilarious things like Rianna as the best female recording artist of teh year, are they serious? And who let fergie on stage, she needs to go to rehab to deal with her unhealthy obsession with plaid, maybe that is waht makes her pee on stage.

Anyway, i just hope the end of ANTM means more winston.

[JH]

Why does Janet look like Senor Wences' hand?

[i have never before in my life yelled at a girl like this]

That boy with the fauxhawk may be Lindsey Lohan, but also it looks a helluva lot like Tucker, the son of Facts of Life Star-slash-home schooling mom-slash-Jesus lover Lisa Welchel. See Exhibit A:
http://theblairnecessities.blogspot.com/2006/11/coffee-talk-companion-oh-fudge.html

[11]

Rich, you are literrally trying to destroy me with these recaps! I find myself trying to hold in laughs at work every time!

[Big Mel]

Holy shit, JH. That is exactly what she looks like!

[april]

I was wondering the same thing about Stevie's breath and if it did stink, was
Tony holding his breath the whole time or just breathing through his mouth??!!!!

[xnowhereboyx]

I think with Nelly Furtado's surgical career makeover she had some facial surgical makeovers as well. Even though she's scrunching up her face it remains unwrinkled... GFY might have the answer to her facial expressions:

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/11/ama_fug_carpet_.html

Grooooossssssss, except that he's bald I will never understand the big attraction to Chris Daughtry.

I never watch these things and I'm glad I learned all I need to know here from your brilliant recap. If only I could send a trophy to you through this comments section...

[Penny Woods]

North Carolina is always a blessed state. ;)

And about Janet's abs: Jared @ Just Jared was wondering about her abs being painted on as well. I couldn't tell with the pictures he put up from her performance, so I'm not sure myself.

[jelodi97]

Somehow at age 35 I've become a total geezer: I've never heard of 90% of these people. Yet somehow I know that the stuff they produce is 100% dreck.

[Daniel]

Chris Daughtry, Rich? Really? He looks like the eraser end of a pencil in that shot (well, most of the time, actually). Sigh. I guess there's no accounting for taste.

[true]

Aawww come on Rich... I just watched MJB's whole performance from the awards show on YouTube & she wasn't THAT bad. :( Sorry, I'm just a fan of her. She's very good live BTW. I guess cuz it was at the end of the song & her voice has had it by then to answer your question.... but you're right. No mic deserves that.
It was just a breath of fresh air though, after watching "Fergie's" attempt to sing... Yikes.

[Ang]

Captain Cavemaaaaaan!

[Abby]

I love Three Days Grace. And that song.

~shini

[Zan]

...and Son!