Rewards for fame

I don't know exactly what it is about the Billboard Music Awards that I find so compelling, but, as I said last year, it probably has to do with the pronounced absurdity of a show that essentially says to pop stars, "The money and fame you've reaped from your hit songs and albums simply isn't enough. Here, have some trophies."

The last awards show I wrote about provoked many questions in me, and last night's Billboard Music Awards ceremony was no different. I just don't understand these celebs and their ways! What follows is a list of questions that popped into my head. If you have any answers, please chime in. Anything to help demystify fame!

My first question is: What about Ne-Yo? Where was he? Wasn't he big in '06?

My second question: What about Janet Jackson's brain chemistry would give her the idea to perform one of her most beloved classics ("The Pleasure Principle") and one of her most recent and visible flops ("So Excited") back-to-back? Did she aim to produce a contrast that would illustrate the dire state of her career, or was that just an accident?

Does Kid Rock wear a hat so that we don't confuse him for Captain Caveman?

Do you have any idea what Flavor Flav is trying to say here? Does he?

Were Nelly Furtado's scrunch-faced guffaws during her acceptance speech yet another sign of Ugly Betty's pop-culture pervasiveness?

(I ask this because I find it endearing, btw.)

Was country sensation Wynonna, in fact, not Wynonna but Arnold Schwarzenegger in futuristic drag a la Total Recall? Should we get ready for a big surprise?

What do you think Carrie Underwood's diet has consisted of over the past year? I say: ice.

Has Fergie's face finally settled, or is having it partially covered by her hair a really good look for her?

...or is she just merging with Beyoncé?

(Come to think of it, have Fergie and Beyoncé ever been spotted at the same place at the same time? Hmmmm.)

Does this guy look nervous because he's about to have to say "chiz-art" in front of an unforgiving country?

Should I feel embarrassed that I'm not only attracted to a guy who sounds like second-rate Nickelback on a good day, but that I'm, like, animally attracted to him?

Do you think this kid is secretly...

...Lindsay Lohan?

Isn't it kinda gay that Young Jeezy had a wardrobe change over the course of a five-minute performance?

Is Pharell really still trying to convince us that his "yezzir" thing is cool?

(Seriously Pharrell: stop trying to make "yezzir" happen!)

Did this Danity Kane floozie lose her clutch and figure her vagina was an adequate substitute?

Why, Denise? Why?

Do you think that in addition to "coke whore," Gwen Stefani's new image involves incorporating a sort of retarded chic?

If Rihanna is the Female Artist of the Year (and, really? She is?) then why did she send Christina Ricci up to the stage to pick up her trophy?

Three Days Grace?

Who?

I guess it's nice to celebrate him while he's still here, but when Tony Bennett bites it, won't the subsequent tributes feel a little redundant?

Also: what do you think Stevie Wonder's breath smells like?

Is this really necessary, Mary?

(Seriously, what'd that mic do to her to deserve that?)

And finally: do you think Paula Abdul was hired to present as American Idol promo, or just because you know that laughter abounds whenever Paula's around?

(Download)

I love the half-hearted attempt at devil horns and that her head is plastered to Big Kenny's shoulder during her lines, but the flower tweak is what really made my night.

Comments

[leia]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KrclRsP6HA

:) :) :) best scene from house party

[maureen]

SO right on about the Total Recall thing-- "Twwoooooo WEEEKkkkkksssssssssaaaa"

[kiki]

Love it all. I have to tell you that I saw a pic of Chris Daughtry and I thought he looked quite a bit like you, which would explain the hotness.

[Justine]

Mmmm....Zac Efron... He is yummy. Lindsey Lohan comparisons aside, that faux-hawk is a big improvement over the overgrown bowl cut he sported in High School Musical.

[MSi]

Rich, I would sit on Chris d*ck in a SECOND!!!

[nidra]

Should I feel embarrassed that I'm not only attracted to a guy who sounds like second-rate Nickelback on a good day, but that I'm, like, animally attracted to him?

Dude. I KNOW! I can't figure it out!

[Bob King Neverland III]

I remember the total recall nintendo game and beat it so I really saw no purpose in seeing the movie.

[airbrushed]

From the generation that gave the world John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and The Who among many other brilliant and accomplished artists...congratulations on your generation's contribution so far: Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Fergie, and Flavor Flav. How very proud you must be. Seriously. No, seriously.

[theidlereceptionist]

Hahhaa....all observations are hilarious, per usual...

I've always thought Hollywood's copious awards shows were nothing more than elaborate circle jerks.

[bobeotm]

The whole thing was a yawnfest, I only tuned in for the opening peformance (like most folks in blogland). Janets perfomance was ok, she needs to fire that damned hawaiian coreographer of hers, but it was decent in spite of him. It was definitely the best performance of the night, which isnt saying much.

Fergie pretty much phoned in her performance. The first half, she stood in place like some robot. The second half, she couldnt keep up with her own lyrics. And the only 10 seconds of singing in the ENTIRE song, she sounds like a cat with its tail caught in a meat-grinder. One acronym describes it all, WTF.

Mary hooted and hollered and scared white folks again, nothing new here. Moving on...

I dont know why something about me likes gwen, the performance was awkward at best. I wish she had learned janet's choreography. It would have made for an interesting contrast.

The rest of the show was a bore. Awarding people purely on the fact that they are popular, what a novel idea!

[Brandon H]

God, Janiet's performance was SOOOO WEAK. I'm beyond being disappointed in her. I saw some of Madonna's concert and for someone ten years her senior, Madonna had the bitch beat hands down as far as vocals and performance.

You would have thought that Janet was falling asleep on stage with that tired ass performance!

[Christina Warren]

Dude - what was up with all the unnecessary use of tape delayed-mute(okay, some of it was necessary)! I'm thinking they must have gone beyond 7 seconds (maybe 10?) because they were REALLY scared to go out there with no host. I only saw the first hour or so (something better came on and I was out), but the best part of the damn show was the glee certain presenters seemed to display - knowing that there was no host that could really restrain them.

Janet looked good but sounded like shit. Nelly was adorable - but as someone else noted, totally on crack (and I love her for that) and Fergie was, well Fergie.

[Miss Lisa]

I felt so bad about myself watching some of this show (I was just really tired at the time), but I couldn't turn off Stefani's retarded dance performance. It was so, so bad. It looked like ME dancing around in a bad dream where I couldn't remember my choreography. I kept thinking: Does her husband compliment her after the show? It must be tough being married to a pop star these days.

And isn't selling the most CDs the reward in itself? Only in America...

"Animal I Have Become"--(sigh), I don't even *want* to know...

[Mara]

WINDITUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!--gwen stefani (dying at that gif, btw)

she is really retarded, and awkward at best. she needs to go somewhere and take care of her kid, seriously.

i like 3 days grace; its good to finally see them get some recognition. they have more talent than half the jokers at last nites show, anyway. i caught fergie fug's performance, and that was enough for me.

and i don't get the chris daughtry thing--he's the antithesis of attractive IMO.

[Gabe]

Like most people named Abdul, Paula is a threat to America.

[Ruth]

"a show that essentially says to pop stars, "The money and fame you've reaped from your hit songs and albums simply isn't enough. Here, have some trophies."

I have been saying this for YEARS.

Hey, you're already rich and famous. I think you deserve an award for that. In a showy televised display to garner more riches and fame. And some free stuff. Here.

[rockin robin]

fergyonce?! tje resemblance is scary!
oh my...... :(

[snnnellie]

Nelly Furtado is smiling like Megg @ ANTM.

[Julia_Claudine_Deveraux]

I thought Janet's performance was great! It was hard to hear her singing, which is probably a good thing.

Gwen Stefani needs to go back and try again. That Ghetto Swiss Miss shit is not the bidness!

[g]

i think i get your attraction to Chris Daughtry...he looks alot like you, lets face it honey you are hot!

can't wait till monday...Down with MELROSE!

[PopMuse]

Janet's background screens reading "S.E.X." made me spit my mouthful of Beef Lo Mein all over the TV. Desperation has never looked so RANDOM!!! Where is Rene Elizondo, anyone, please, anyone?

[doglover]

i can't stop reading your posts. I don't get the awards show thing. Maybe I'm getting old. But it seems utterly pointless and forgettable. Like who really cares one week later? You know Who's Line is it Anyway?, the show where the points don't mean anything. The awards don't mean anything. It's more for tv and having the ceremony of kissing industry and artist nalgas. Yes, that Chris, whatever his name is, is yummy.

[sea1]

The quality of education is, is not lower than 15 years ago

[Eris]

Hi everyone. I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995. I put it in my wallet and it deteriorated. And then, just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together. Help me! Need information about: Dale jr biography. I found only this - dale earnhardt jr bio. It can be a fairly daunting task to sit down with a blank piece of paper and start drawing one up for your business. I think it just comes down to sticking with it, staying with the team, and trying to be part of a solution instead of a part of the problem. :-( Thanks in advance. Eris from Western.