Wait, wasn't she eliminated last episode?

"It's kinda like I'm breaking up with Top Model. But I got broken up with." Well, that's what happens when you base your relationships on sex!

I was just kidding last week. I'll never be too old for this shit.

73. Melrose

Melrose doesn't like dancing to be so serious. Also, dancing is, like, her soul. It's her passion.

And so, we can deduce that Melrose either doesn't like to take her soul seriously, or she's just an asshole. Or maybe it's a causal relationship. But really, my philosophy is to err on the side of asshole.

74. Melrose

Dear Bottle,

I know you're, like, three feet away from me, but I can't bring myself to say to you all that I need to say. Which is, basically: you smell better than me, even though you used to be home to mayonnaise. Or pears, as your label indicates. But I'm pretty sure it was mayonnaise. Point being: why can't I smell more like you? Why?!

Anyway, I have to go pull my hair back because I'm not looking that much like Shirley Phelps-Roper today and that just feels so wrong.

Tyra loves you,
Melrose

P.S. Did you hear that Amanda's banging the show? I don't know how that works, and I probably will never find out, as no one tells me anything. But it's all good: I don't need the dissas.

P.P.S. Please write back? If not you then whom?

75. CariDee

You know it really is such shit that she's in the Bottom 2 every week. Who does this show think it's fooling? Also: pay attention to the position of that tear, because...

76. Amanda

Amanda has a corresponding one in her post-elimination cry. Once a twin, always a twin.

And once a fool, once, twice, three times a fool:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

This is actually two separate occasions and occurences combining to make one Tyraism. Here is the first and here. Obviously, this is to convey just how wonderful a communicator Tyra is, whether when directing a photo shoot or telling some girl what's wrong with her existence. Even better, though, is that combined they make great vocals for a Euro house track (when in Spain...). A track that might go a little something like this. The video would probably just be this:

Very arty, no?

Tyraism of the Week 2

It's not a phrase or even a sound this time, just a look:

Apparently, Tyra thinks that if you convulse violently enough while doing a sort of free-form Hokey Pokey, it's the same as flamenco dancing. This is the self-satisfied look she shot the girl when she was done having her seizure. Lest we forget that this is her world, we're just mocking (slash Mok-ing, obviously) in it.

Tyraism of the Week 3

OK, here's some good, old fashioned, twisty and Coily-inspired logic, since the last time we experienced that was, oh, a second ago.

Please do your best to keep up.

Sentiment No. 1 - "I was impressed with CariDee because CariDee, she kinda didn't stop floating. Even though I know you were having a really hard time and shivering, I never saw one frame where you looked cold. Not. One. Frame."

That would seem like praise.

Sentiment No. 2 - "That was very impressive, but at the same time, as a model, you have to know your limits and you have to know that if you're getting sick and your body is feeling a certain way, that you have to step away from the situation."

That would seem like a scolding, on top of a message that this show has never once condoned -- aren't you expected to drag your ass from a hospital bed for the competition? If, in fact, you do choose to honor your limits, as the admittedly psychotic Monique did, you get booted off. Simple.

Sentiment No. 3 - "You know you have a weakness with cold. You have to figure out how that doesn't cost the client with money."

So now, even if you know your limitations, you're fucked. Great. You know, I think maybe her logic is less like Coily and more like a python because now my brain is leaking out of my ears. Yet more proof that this show makes you stupider.

Or maybe it's proof that the show's getting stupider. I submit to you a theory as the first item of minutiae.

1. Somewhere, in something I read about the formerly picketing, now just-plain-out-of-work ANTM writer Daniel J. Blau (it could be this awesome interview with him), he revealed that he and his writing-editing team had worked on all but the last three (or so) episodes of this cycle. Which means that we're in the thick of the writer-free episodes. I'm guessing this is why this week's episode seemed to scattered and, frankly, bizarre in parts. Like, did you notice all the odd angles chosen for the girls' dances?

You could barely get a grasp on what the girls were doing, let alone if they were doing it well. Also, I think Naomi from Mama's Family is in one of those boxes. Those ruffles!

Or how about the fact that someone, somewhere thought that for all the hours of footage that they had, Amanda's foot weirdness was worth spotlighting:

Foot weirdness? This show is crazy!

The kicker for me (and probably a double-jointed one, at that) was this obviously slopped together exposition on why Melrose was no longer getting along with CariDee (which is obviously a bizarre situation in the first place since just last episode, Melrose chose CariDee to share her prize with but whatever).

We start with Melrose being Melrose, which is to say: isolated and shunned.

Cut to Melrose off to the left of the confessional/OTF (I never know what to all these segments) screen, explaining that CariDee is the girl who is getting on her nerves most.

Cut to a close-up shot during the voice over that makes me wish I had dubbed Melrose "Molerose."

Cut to Melrose on the right side of the screen, with slightly different hair and now a necklace on, practically enthusing about CariDee having no problem with vulgarity. Here, we're supposed to believe that this is the reason that CariDee is getting on her nerves!

Cut to sepia-toned flashback that does not make this manipulation any more convincing.

Cut to Melrose saying something, probably not even CariDee, is gross.

Cut to sepia-toned Duh and Duh-er.

Cut to Melrose alone again, naturally.

I know that reality shows do stuff like this all the time, and I know that ANTM is a great example of a show that could barely exist without such manipulation. But I don't know, this particular case seemed so pronounced to me that I think it has to be an example of what life without writers means for ANTM -- the difference is in the finesse. Which is to say: don't expect much of that from here on out.

It kills me to say this, but for this reason, I think that the firing of the writers may actually help the show. I know, it's so un-PC and gross of me, but I can't help but wonder if ANTM was getting too slick for its own good. The first two cycles had this air of incompetence that served it so well -- they had a slipshod feel that amounted to structural ridiculousness to match the content's ridiculousness. I don't mean to bite the hands that fed me garbage from (roughly) Cycles 3 through this one, but I think that added incompetence might work for the show's favor if, for no other reason, it will provide more to ridicule (let's never forget that we're watching a televised modeling competition). It's sort of like the way terrible dubbing makes a bad movie worse. And by "worse," I mean "better." You know?

It's only a theory that the writers were perhaps too good at their jobs. My heart certainly goes out to them -- I'm sure it sucks losing a gig like this. And really, it's too early to say how their absence will affect the show. When I heard about it, I became very pessimistic about the show's future. However, after seeing this episode's delirious editing, I'm an optimistic ingrate.

2. Oh, and as an addendum to the CariDee vs. Melrose argument, I loved this:

Meanwhile she says this while practically on top of Eugena.

Who's closest?

See, a lack of awareness can be really amusing!

3. Ever noticed how friendly CariDee is? And by "friendly," I mean "friendly in the vagina."

Let me count the ways that CariDee came off as slutty during this episode:

"Come cuddle if you ever get lonely," she told Amanda. She should have added, "We'll roll around in some amniotic fluid, fetus-style. It'll be hot."

And then she had this whole, extended touchy-feely thing with Eugena.

Pit play? This show is practically fetish porn.

Probably so they can have sex in peace!

Here, I'll complete her thought:

Let's not forget the ass slap.

Or how aggressive she was about choosing a dance partner.

It was hard to capture because it was almost out of frame, but as soon as they were allowed to choose she looked at her guy and went, "You."

...which resulted in this cycle's biggest Imagine That!:

It's as if Jade herself made a special appearance. (God, how amazing would that be?)

4. Meanwhile, Amanda chose a 10-year-old boy to be her flamenco partner.

She was all, "Well, we have the same body..." I don't think he was even old enough yet to get a boner from having a girl take interest.

I tried to Photoshop a milkshake with two straws between them, but it didn't work out. You get the idea, though.

5. If Miss J turned out to be my special dinner guest, I'd ask to have it sent back.

Did he tell them anything they hadn't already heard better articulated by Tyra? And isn't your English in a sad state when Tyra's mastery of it is more pronounced?

I did like that he toasted to "America's Next Top Model-ette." That's pretty much what the winner ends up becoming. Smaller than a model, bigger than a breadbox.

Also, I liked that the twins, "two of the goofiest Gumby girls." Uh...my thoughts exactly!

Miss J: he's all right!

6. Remember how last week, Eugena said Mr. Jay didn't look like a matador -- he looked like Mr. Jay in a matador costume? Well, Lieutenant Colonel Obvious is back for a new round of observation!

"Amanda looks like Amanda trying to dance." I mean, can you believe the attention to detail? I wish they'd put together a clips reel of more of Eugena's insight. I'd love to hear her on Twiggy ("Twiggy looks like a blonde woman") or Nigel ("Nigel talks like a British guy") or Tyra ("Tyra Banks looks like Tyra Banks plus 50 lbs.").

On her own behavior during the (not at all contrived, cold-water-in-the-summer) photo shoot, Eugena said, "...my jaws were chattering." Really, both of her jaws were.

So literal, that one!

On being partnered with Melrose, Eugena says: "I don't know if I'm happy or not." No lie: this was her expression while saying "happy":

Following her own example in observation, I'll state that Eugena looks like Eugena with a stank look on her face. That's to say that Eugena looks like Eugena.

7. While practicing her dance, CariDee said she kept throwing hip-hop in. Here's what she meant:

Flava is just coming out of her ears. The only thing that could make her look more hip-hop would be a giant clock around her neck.

That is how you get down in '06.

Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if after the elimination tears, every ANTM episode ended with the remaining contestants shrieking, "Car-iiiiiiiii-Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"? More realistically, it'd be, "Tyraaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks." Now watch, I bet she steals that idea for the next cycle -- she has to top the self-obsessiveness of having the girls live in a Tyrahouse somehow.

8.

Today is Tyra's birthday. For her present, I'm fixing this photo by filling in her patchy stubble.

Happy b-day, Ty Ty. What would you do without me?

9. I think when Melrose was called first, CariDee mouthed "fucking bitch":

Such a lady. This is why I want her to win. And here are three more reasons:

I admire that CariDee is a beautiful woman who's able to look utterly busted. She's such a chameleon! Guess that's what happens when you learn from the best!

10. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. I want Melrose to win. For you see...

"If Melrose becomes America's Next Top Model, I'm going to puke. All over. I'll just puke." God, I hope she's telling the truth. We may be headed for the best finale in ANTM history!

Comments

[joanie4eva]

You made my day! THX for this excellent recap!!

[Sass-Crotch]

Heh-larious as always

[Ruth]

I'm still confused why overseas cheating was such a big deal in Italy, but it's glossed over when CariDee does it in Spain. And her boyfriend seemed so nice on the phone, too.... poor guy.

And despite all the Melrose hate, I still like her. Or at least, I don't dislike her any more than I dislike all the other girls. They're all backstabbing, two-faced hos. They all talk shit behind each others' back. Every last one of them, with the exception of the twins-- which of course meant that the twins had to go. ANTM couldn't have relatively normal, drama-free girls in the top three.

[care]

the twins as gumby and... pokey? is that the horses name?
pure brilliance.

[matt]

Awwww, I love Melrose's letter to the mayonaise/pear jar. And Melrose, I'd write you letters all the time. I want to be your insane stalker fan!

Anyways, seeing CariDee puke would rock.

Oh and I love love love the Eugena commentary.

And on a serious note (except not really), I have to say I LOVE the way the episodes are now, you're absolutely right, they're like they were circa cycle 2, with random bullshit that doesn't make any sense, clumsily contrived psuedodrama and attention to the most retarded bullshit.

Good work! You make my mondays special.

Oh and FYI, the CW will be showing highlights from Britain's Next Top Model in the weeks following the ANTM finale, so if you want to give us an xmas present you can recap that crazy shit!

[Joe]

I'm not feeling any of the final three this year, Rich. CariDee is a manic mess, Melrose's naked ambition makes Tracy Flick seem almost sympathetic by comparison and Eugena is, as you said brilliantly above, Eugena (who I think is hotter with shorter hair, BTW). There's no Joanie this year, no one to pin all my modeling hopes and dreams on.

Next week is the damn Cover Girl commercial in which the girls fuck up the script. Whoopee!! I know that having a template for reality shows is good, but ANTM needs to change things up pronto.

[Audrey]

Rich-
You and Potes are the only reason I [sometimes] watch this show. Fo' reals.
Audrey

[Tokidoki]

I can't believe Tyra had the nerve to almost eliminate CariDee because she has a problem with cold. If she didn't notice, so did everyone else; Tyra's obvious solution is to gain 50lbs of insulation.

What's even more unbelievable is the fact that Tyra feels she has the right to have that kind of hypocritical nerve. And really, who's to blame her when we keep watching week after week to feed her ego. I know it's not going to stop me from tuning in. Keep up the great work!

[Mary]

The tyra-istic dance song made my day. you rock.

[taty baby]

Love love love your ANTM recaps, as usual ;)
Although I was a little suprised you didn't make note of how the cameras zoomed in on Nigel when he said "There's something about Melrose that irks me." See? He doesn't like the twatty two-faced psycho either!

Dancing is my soul? My ass!

Keep up the good work, Rich!

Remember the editing. who knows what their relationship is like. maybe they have an open relationsip. you shouldnt judge her when only half the story was told.

[Lisa]

"Smaller than a model, bigger than a breadbox."

That made my morning!

[taty baby]

Love love love your ANTM recaps, as usual ;)
Although I was a little suprised you didn't make note of how the cameras zoomed in on Nigel when he said "There's something about Melrose that irks me." See? He doesn't like the twatty two-faced psycho either!

Dancing is my soul? My ass!

Keep up the good work, Rich!

[Guv]

1) Tyra lost her SHOE. But she kept on dancing, ya'll.

2) I am surprised Tyra didn't suggest that maybe Caridee doesn't want to be ANTM in a ride-on-back-of-elephant-through-jungle-while-sick sort of way...

hahahahah i'd puke too

[Gayest Neil]

I noticed a decipheration 'tween the pre-writer's strike versus post in this episode, too. I'm working on my own releasement.

[david]

one of the best recaps i've read. "listening" to you wax philosophical on antm makes me happy from my head to my toes.

encore!

[morgan and ashley]

every monday we sit in class and laugh at your recaps.

pretty much the highlight of our week- more so than the actual show itself.
I can't believe you caught the "fucking bitch" mumble from caridee... best part.

excited for the finale but sad the relationship is over so soon!

[meggggghan]

i liked how caridee wanted to go back in the water to finish the shoot after she warmed up, but they wouldn't let her. why let tenacity ruin a little bit of made-for-tv pseudo drama?

[Emma]

So all I want to know is if they were so freaking cold, why not swim a few laps to get their body temps up??? Does that just make too much sense??

Great recap!

[Y]

"friendly in the vagina."

Awesome.

This season is the worse ever,ever, ever. There has not been one single beauty/fashion shoot. It's all been gimmicky, ugly get-up shit. Think about it. What I liked about this show in the past is I actually thought it was well done. The pictures often were lovely. Now they can't even get these girls into decent flamenco dresses for a photo shoot. If you can make a woman look like shit in a flameco dress?....Problems.

PS Am I the only one that thinks every single last one of Melrose's pictures makes her look like an old, open-mouth, vapid-eyed
hag? Just asking.

[Gebba]

You make my mondays. really.
CariDee is my fave at the moment, but really I don't love her enough to be outraged if the others win.
And, did you notice that Eva Pigford is now going by a new last name? Mercell or something? And Daneille is Dani... I wonder if the others have had name changes as well!
Ahh I wish I had sound on this computer and could listen to Tyra's words of wisdom!

[Sarah]

Umm Melrose I thought fashion was your passion? You told every single fashion designer how much you live for it. And now you want us to believe dancing is? Make up your mind!

I would have loved if the theme song from FAME played in the background as they were practicing.

[jessica]

I just found your blog recently and it is one of the best blogs I've ever read...hilarious recaps.

I sorta like Melrose...she is a bitch but she's not sorry for it and she works her ass off. All the other girls are so jealous and catty. I think CariDee is going to win, though. As long as it's not Eugena...

I can't believe CariDee mouthed that!!!