Wait, wasn't she eliminated last episode?

"It's kinda like I'm breaking up with Top Model. But I got broken up with." Well, that's what happens when you base your relationships on sex!

I was just kidding last week. I'll never be too old for this shit.

73. Melrose

Melrose doesn't like dancing to be so serious. Also, dancing is, like, her soul. It's her passion.

And so, we can deduce that Melrose either doesn't like to take her soul seriously, or she's just an asshole. Or maybe it's a causal relationship. But really, my philosophy is to err on the side of asshole.

74. Melrose

Dear Bottle,

I know you're, like, three feet away from me, but I can't bring myself to say to you all that I need to say. Which is, basically: you smell better than me, even though you used to be home to mayonnaise. Or pears, as your label indicates. But I'm pretty sure it was mayonnaise. Point being: why can't I smell more like you? Why?!

Anyway, I have to go pull my hair back because I'm not looking that much like Shirley Phelps-Roper today and that just feels so wrong.

Tyra loves you,
Melrose

P.S. Did you hear that Amanda's banging the show? I don't know how that works, and I probably will never find out, as no one tells me anything. But it's all good: I don't need the dissas.

P.P.S. Please write back? If not you then whom?

75. CariDee

You know it really is such shit that she's in the Bottom 2 every week. Who does this show think it's fooling? Also: pay attention to the position of that tear, because...

76. Amanda

Amanda has a corresponding one in her post-elimination cry. Once a twin, always a twin.

And once a fool, once, twice, three times a fool:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

This is actually two separate occasions and occurences combining to make one Tyraism. Here is the first and here. Obviously, this is to convey just how wonderful a communicator Tyra is, whether when directing a photo shoot or telling some girl what's wrong with her existence. Even better, though, is that combined they make great vocals for a Euro house track (when in Spain...). A track that might go a little something like this. The video would probably just be this:

Very arty, no?

Tyraism of the Week 2

It's not a phrase or even a sound this time, just a look:

Apparently, Tyra thinks that if you convulse violently enough while doing a sort of free-form Hokey Pokey, it's the same as flamenco dancing. This is the self-satisfied look she shot the girl when she was done having her seizure. Lest we forget that this is her world, we're just mocking (slash Mok-ing, obviously) in it.

Tyraism of the Week 3

OK, here's some good, old fashioned, twisty and Coily-inspired logic, since the last time we experienced that was, oh, a second ago.

Please do your best to keep up.

Sentiment No. 1 - "I was impressed with CariDee because CariDee, she kinda didn't stop floating. Even though I know you were having a really hard time and shivering, I never saw one frame where you looked cold. Not. One. Frame."

That would seem like praise.

Sentiment No. 2 - "That was very impressive, but at the same time, as a model, you have to know your limits and you have to know that if you're getting sick and your body is feeling a certain way, that you have to step away from the situation."

That would seem like a scolding, on top of a message that this show has never once condoned -- aren't you expected to drag your ass from a hospital bed for the competition? If, in fact, you do choose to honor your limits, as the admittedly psychotic Monique did, you get booted off. Simple.

Sentiment No. 3 - "You know you have a weakness with cold. You have to figure out how that doesn't cost the client with money."

So now, even if you know your limitations, you're fucked. Great. You know, I think maybe her logic is less like Coily and more like a python because now my brain is leaking out of my ears. Yet more proof that this show makes you stupider.

Or maybe it's proof that the show's getting stupider. I submit to you a theory as the first item of minutiae.

1. Somewhere, in something I read about the formerly picketing, now just-plain-out-of-work ANTM writer Daniel J. Blau (it could be this awesome interview with him), he revealed that he and his writing-editing team had worked on all but the last three (or so) episodes of this cycle. Which means that we're in the thick of the writer-free episodes. I'm guessing this is why this week's episode seemed to scattered and, frankly, bizarre in parts. Like, did you notice all the odd angles chosen for the girls' dances?

You could barely get a grasp on what the girls were doing, let alone if they were doing it well. Also, I think Naomi from Mama's Family is in one of those boxes. Those ruffles!

Or how about the fact that someone, somewhere thought that for all the hours of footage that they had, Amanda's foot weirdness was worth spotlighting:

Foot weirdness? This show is crazy!

The kicker for me (and probably a double-jointed one, at that) was this obviously slopped together exposition on why Melrose was no longer getting along with CariDee (which is obviously a bizarre situation in the first place since just last episode, Melrose chose CariDee to share her prize with but whatever).

We start with Melrose being Melrose, which is to say: isolated and shunned.

Cut to Melrose off to the left of the confessional/OTF (I never know what to all these segments) screen, explaining that CariDee is the girl who is getting on her nerves most.

Cut to a close-up shot during the voice over that makes me wish I had dubbed Melrose "Molerose."

Cut to Melrose on the right side of the screen, with slightly different hair and now a necklace on, practically enthusing about CariDee having no problem with vulgarity. Here, we're supposed to believe that this is the reason that CariDee is getting on her nerves!

Cut to sepia-toned flashback that does not make this manipulation any more convincing.

Cut to Melrose saying something, probably not even CariDee, is gross.

Cut to sepia-toned Duh and Duh-er.

Cut to Melrose alone again, naturally.

I know that reality shows do stuff like this all the time, and I know that ANTM is a great example of a show that could barely exist without such manipulation. But I don't know, this particular case seemed so pronounced to me that I think it has to be an example of what life without writers means for ANTM -- the difference is in the finesse. Which is to say: don't expect much of that from here on out.

It kills me to say this, but for this reason, I think that the firing of the writers may actually help the show. I know, it's so un-PC and gross of me, but I can't help but wonder if ANTM was getting too slick for its own good. The first two cycles had this air of incompetence that served it so well -- they had a slipshod feel that amounted to structural ridiculousness to match the content's ridiculousness. I don't mean to bite the hands that fed me garbage from (roughly) Cycles 3 through this one, but I think that added incompetence might work for the show's favor if, for no other reason, it will provide more to ridicule (let's never forget that we're watching a televised modeling competition). It's sort of like the way terrible dubbing makes a bad movie worse. And by "worse," I mean "better." You know?

It's only a theory that the writers were perhaps too good at their jobs. My heart certainly goes out to them -- I'm sure it sucks losing a gig like this. And really, it's too early to say how their absence will affect the show. When I heard about it, I became very pessimistic about the show's future. However, after seeing this episode's delirious editing, I'm an optimistic ingrate.

2. Oh, and as an addendum to the CariDee vs. Melrose argument, I loved this:

Meanwhile she says this while practically on top of Eugena.

Who's closest?

See, a lack of awareness can be really amusing!

3. Ever noticed how friendly CariDee is? And by "friendly," I mean "friendly in the vagina."

Let me count the ways that CariDee came off as slutty during this episode:

"Come cuddle if you ever get lonely," she told Amanda. She should have added, "We'll roll around in some amniotic fluid, fetus-style. It'll be hot."

And then she had this whole, extended touchy-feely thing with Eugena.

Pit play? This show is practically fetish porn.

Probably so they can have sex in peace!

Here, I'll complete her thought:

Let's not forget the ass slap.

Or how aggressive she was about choosing a dance partner.

It was hard to capture because it was almost out of frame, but as soon as they were allowed to choose she looked at her guy and went, "You."

...which resulted in this cycle's biggest Imagine That!:

It's as if Jade herself made a special appearance. (God, how amazing would that be?)

4. Meanwhile, Amanda chose a 10-year-old boy to be her flamenco partner.

She was all, "Well, we have the same body..." I don't think he was even old enough yet to get a boner from having a girl take interest.

I tried to Photoshop a milkshake with two straws between them, but it didn't work out. You get the idea, though.

5. If Miss J turned out to be my special dinner guest, I'd ask to have it sent back.

Did he tell them anything they hadn't already heard better articulated by Tyra? And isn't your English in a sad state when Tyra's mastery of it is more pronounced?

I did like that he toasted to "America's Next Top Model-ette." That's pretty much what the winner ends up becoming. Smaller than a model, bigger than a breadbox.

Also, I liked that the twins, "two of the goofiest Gumby girls." Uh...my thoughts exactly!

Miss J: he's all right!

6. Remember how last week, Eugena said Mr. Jay didn't look like a matador -- he looked like Mr. Jay in a matador costume? Well, Lieutenant Colonel Obvious is back for a new round of observation!

"Amanda looks like Amanda trying to dance." I mean, can you believe the attention to detail? I wish they'd put together a clips reel of more of Eugena's insight. I'd love to hear her on Twiggy ("Twiggy looks like a blonde woman") or Nigel ("Nigel talks like a British guy") or Tyra ("Tyra Banks looks like Tyra Banks plus 50 lbs.").

On her own behavior during the (not at all contrived, cold-water-in-the-summer) photo shoot, Eugena said, "...my jaws were chattering." Really, both of her jaws were.

So literal, that one!

On being partnered with Melrose, Eugena says: "I don't know if I'm happy or not." No lie: this was her expression while saying "happy":

Following her own example in observation, I'll state that Eugena looks like Eugena with a stank look on her face. That's to say that Eugena looks like Eugena.

7. While practicing her dance, CariDee said she kept throwing hip-hop in. Here's what she meant:

Flava is just coming out of her ears. The only thing that could make her look more hip-hop would be a giant clock around her neck.

That is how you get down in '06.

Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if after the elimination tears, every ANTM episode ended with the remaining contestants shrieking, "Car-iiiiiiiii-Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"? More realistically, it'd be, "Tyraaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks." Now watch, I bet she steals that idea for the next cycle -- she has to top the self-obsessiveness of having the girls live in a Tyrahouse somehow.

8.

Today is Tyra's birthday. For her present, I'm fixing this photo by filling in her patchy stubble.

Happy b-day, Ty Ty. What would you do without me?

9. I think when Melrose was called first, CariDee mouthed "fucking bitch":

Such a lady. This is why I want her to win. And here are three more reasons:

I admire that CariDee is a beautiful woman who's able to look utterly busted. She's such a chameleon! Guess that's what happens when you learn from the best!

10. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. I want Melrose to win. For you see...

"If Melrose becomes America's Next Top Model, I'm going to puke. All over. I'll just puke." God, I hope she's telling the truth. We may be headed for the best finale in ANTM history!

Comments

[Mc]

Z-dawg!!! tell us more! Why did Melrose get punched????

[JH]

Naomi from Mama's Family! Oh wow, I giggled at that one for a good minute longer than I should have. What a brilliant contestant she'd be... at least she'd be funnier than some of these sour queens.

There was a wonderfully awkward moment during the final judging. Tyra made a lame joke about something, maybe it was a pun, and everyone just kind of nodded politely... except Twiggy, who gave a delayed "Heh." Brief but telling, I think.

And poor Dani(elle). I feel bad saying it, but her Covergirl promos are hard to sit through. The elocution classes didn't work. Make sure she isn't hanging out with Naima, somebody.

[mariaaaaa]

My love for Rich and his recaps = unwavering. My love for ANTM = not so much. I think I just done heard one too many Tyra-isms. What was once a bubbling fountain of ridicule and delight is now a fetid pond of ridicule and derision. I'm still going to keep watching, mostly to keep up with Rich's recaps but also in hope that Tyra will get back to basics. Hard to do tho' when NONE of your winners have reached anything aproaching supermodel status. The most successfull model (Elise) wasn't even the winner. I do consider tv, hosting and acting gigs a kind of success, so other girls have done okay - some better than others (adrienne,yoanna, yaya, tocarra, and eva)but top model success? Has not happened. That's gotta be embarrassing and the weight of it is starting to show. That said I still love the Jay's, Twigs and Nigel although they are starting to shy signs of growing weary. What can I say, its an ennui kinda day... sigh.

[syd]

Bravo on the awesome recap!

[Maxam]

OMG I THOUGHT THE SAME THING WITH CARIDEE PUKING IN THE JUDGING ROOM. IF Melrose wins, CariDee seriously has to just shove her fist on her uvula, and just vomit all over the place, and not stop until Tyra like, calls police, or Twiggy takes out a chainsaw or somethin. I dunno. Looks like this will be an exciting finale!! hehe.

[Blair]

The Shirley Phelps-Rogers analogy made me laugh so hard I think I might have wet my panties.

Rich, you are the best.

[John R.]

I used your term "Tyrarbatry" while watching the cold-Caridee back-and-forth.

Oh- I meant to give you props last week for referencing my fav ANTM moment ever:
"You had sex?!" Those were the days.

[Christine]

Didn't Twiggy say about Amanda: "There no one who looks like her"?

[theidlereceptionist]

Aside from being, like you said, 10-year-old-boy thin, I don't see how they a)made it on the show or b)stayed that long. They didn't even photograph well!

I would have prefered Paneer Thighs any day.

[theidlereceptionist]

*I'm referring to the twins.

[notorius]

loved it as usual.... thanks!!!
this cycle is ridiculous, though...
i mean.... reeeeeeeaally ridiculous...

[Sam]

5. If Miss J turned out to be my special dinner guest, I'd ask to have it sent back.

That was absolutely amazing. That along with the idea of JADE making a guest appearance had me laughing out loud...excellent work =)

[Candice]

The twins as gumby! I love you Rich:)

Is it okay for me to now be rooting for Eugenia? Both Melstank and CariDee are so over the top; it's annoying and exasperating.

[jammer]

Oh, if only i could cuddle with Caridee...'s coochie.
I don't want her to win, because I don't want her to be the same failure that everyone else whose ever won top model. Nay, i want her to go straight to the top!

[Trina]

OMG this is so awesome. aaahhh this always makes my day.

[spazmo]

One of your funniest recaps yet, Rich!
Jade would be a perfect semi-recurring* character, wouldn't she?

I had a dream last night that I was a contestant on ANTM. This is the second time I've had this dream, and it always freaks me out. See, everything's fine until the photo shoot, when I suddenly realize...I'm a DUDE. And I don't do drag (well, not since I was eight).

So I'm torn between wanting to wow the judges and be all fierce, and um, not wanting to put on wigs and gowns and stilleto heels...

Ever have that dream, Rich?

*So I typed 'recurring' into Yahoo just now in a half-assed attempt at spell-checking, and the two links at the top of the page suggested I also try "Recurring Dreams" or "Recurring Yeast Infections".

Freaky! And appropriate!

[John Galt]

Is it just me or does SmellRose look like Crazy!Lisa (cycle 5) in the teary!Flemenco picture?

[plain]

Queen Latifa has to be hatin ANTM otherwise that shot of her in that purple satin parachute would have been off the air a long, long time ago.

[fortune]

Forget the GAP y'all If Smellrose makes it to the final 2 I'll watch the finale with one eye closed. And If she wins I'Il team up Caridee and puke, puke aaaand puuuke for two hours, YES..just like Tyra once cried for 2 hours!!

I's kinda happy seeing Eugena and Caridee on the runway too but Tyra is crazy y'all. She might be manipulating and setting us up for a suprise. We might end up puking by actually seeing Smellrose on the finale. That said, I'm trying to limit my excitements so I don't fail to puke the 4 eggs and 2 sausages I'll eat for breakfast on the finale day incase Smellrose wins.

[AshBash]

LOL! I loved seeing Melrose crying because she fucked up the dance. She's done so well up until now that she really could afford it.
You just know that night after they filmed this she was the girl who locked herself in the washroom for 2 hours and screamed at herself in the mirroir "You're stupid! Do it Better! If you lose I'll kill you!"
Keep up the great recaps!

[Mary]

Cut back to your previous recaps or previous episodes...say like last week's. Wasn't Fashion Melrose's soul? Wasnt that what she lived for? If so...then does she have two souls? Whats goin on here? Is she the devil?!?! Roflmao

[Catie]

It can't be CariDee and Eugena in the final two. Although I would love to see them there, wouldn't it be too much like Cycle 6? Knock the crazy chick out to third place and have a black girl and a white girl go at it for the winner? Maybe that's just the way things go in Top Model land...

Oh and Rich, please tell SlutMachine to update. The awesomeness of that S&M tattoo is starting to wear off after seeing it every day for the past three weeks.

[Sereid]

I love your recap. i would love that you also had talked about melrose playing with the spanish flag while saying ole! i was spanish until i saw that. Since then i feel more like a nigerian.

[terry]

Last cycle's finale, which is already dim in my mind, had one girl confiding that if the other girl lost (was it Dani(elle) and... who?), she'd jump on the winner and tear her hair out -- or words very close to that. Second runner-up always has some nefarious plan to kill or maim (or puke on) the winner, and it never happens.

Which is a shame.