Wait, wasn't she eliminated last episode?

"It's kinda like I'm breaking up with Top Model. But I got broken up with." Well, that's what happens when you base your relationships on sex!

I was just kidding last week. I'll never be too old for this shit.

73. Melrose

Melrose doesn't like dancing to be so serious. Also, dancing is, like, her soul. It's her passion.

And so, we can deduce that Melrose either doesn't like to take her soul seriously, or she's just an asshole. Or maybe it's a causal relationship. But really, my philosophy is to err on the side of asshole.

74. Melrose

Dear Bottle,

I know you're, like, three feet away from me, but I can't bring myself to say to you all that I need to say. Which is, basically: you smell better than me, even though you used to be home to mayonnaise. Or pears, as your label indicates. But I'm pretty sure it was mayonnaise. Point being: why can't I smell more like you? Why?!

Anyway, I have to go pull my hair back because I'm not looking that much like Shirley Phelps-Roper today and that just feels so wrong.

Tyra loves you,
Melrose

P.S. Did you hear that Amanda's banging the show? I don't know how that works, and I probably will never find out, as no one tells me anything. But it's all good: I don't need the dissas.

P.P.S. Please write back? If not you then whom?

75. CariDee

You know it really is such shit that she's in the Bottom 2 every week. Who does this show think it's fooling? Also: pay attention to the position of that tear, because...

76. Amanda

Amanda has a corresponding one in her post-elimination cry. Once a twin, always a twin.

And once a fool, once, twice, three times a fool:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

This is actually two separate occasions and occurences combining to make one Tyraism. Here is the first and here. Obviously, this is to convey just how wonderful a communicator Tyra is, whether when directing a photo shoot or telling some girl what's wrong with her existence. Even better, though, is that combined they make great vocals for a Euro house track (when in Spain...). A track that might go a little something like this. The video would probably just be this:

Very arty, no?

Tyraism of the Week 2

It's not a phrase or even a sound this time, just a look:

Apparently, Tyra thinks that if you convulse violently enough while doing a sort of free-form Hokey Pokey, it's the same as flamenco dancing. This is the self-satisfied look she shot the girl when she was done having her seizure. Lest we forget that this is her world, we're just mocking (slash Mok-ing, obviously) in it.

Tyraism of the Week 3

OK, here's some good, old fashioned, twisty and Coily-inspired logic, since the last time we experienced that was, oh, a second ago.

Please do your best to keep up.

Sentiment No. 1 - "I was impressed with CariDee because CariDee, she kinda didn't stop floating. Even though I know you were having a really hard time and shivering, I never saw one frame where you looked cold. Not. One. Frame."

That would seem like praise.

Sentiment No. 2 - "That was very impressive, but at the same time, as a model, you have to know your limits and you have to know that if you're getting sick and your body is feeling a certain way, that you have to step away from the situation."

That would seem like a scolding, on top of a message that this show has never once condoned -- aren't you expected to drag your ass from a hospital bed for the competition? If, in fact, you do choose to honor your limits, as the admittedly psychotic Monique did, you get booted off. Simple.

Sentiment No. 3 - "You know you have a weakness with cold. You have to figure out how that doesn't cost the client with money."

So now, even if you know your limitations, you're fucked. Great. You know, I think maybe her logic is less like Coily and more like a python because now my brain is leaking out of my ears. Yet more proof that this show makes you stupider.

Or maybe it's proof that the show's getting stupider. I submit to you a theory as the first item of minutiae.

1. Somewhere, in something I read about the formerly picketing, now just-plain-out-of-work ANTM writer Daniel J. Blau (it could be this awesome interview with him), he revealed that he and his writing-editing team had worked on all but the last three (or so) episodes of this cycle. Which means that we're in the thick of the writer-free episodes. I'm guessing this is why this week's episode seemed to scattered and, frankly, bizarre in parts. Like, did you notice all the odd angles chosen for the girls' dances?

You could barely get a grasp on what the girls were doing, let alone if they were doing it well. Also, I think Naomi from Mama's Family is in one of those boxes. Those ruffles!

Or how about the fact that someone, somewhere thought that for all the hours of footage that they had, Amanda's foot weirdness was worth spotlighting:

Foot weirdness? This show is crazy!

The kicker for me (and probably a double-jointed one, at that) was this obviously slopped together exposition on why Melrose was no longer getting along with CariDee (which is obviously a bizarre situation in the first place since just last episode, Melrose chose CariDee to share her prize with but whatever).

We start with Melrose being Melrose, which is to say: isolated and shunned.

Cut to Melrose off to the left of the confessional/OTF (I never know what to all these segments) screen, explaining that CariDee is the girl who is getting on her nerves most.

Cut to a close-up shot during the voice over that makes me wish I had dubbed Melrose "Molerose."

Cut to Melrose on the right side of the screen, with slightly different hair and now a necklace on, practically enthusing about CariDee having no problem with vulgarity. Here, we're supposed to believe that this is the reason that CariDee is getting on her nerves!

Cut to sepia-toned flashback that does not make this manipulation any more convincing.

Cut to Melrose saying something, probably not even CariDee, is gross.

Cut to sepia-toned Duh and Duh-er.

Cut to Melrose alone again, naturally.

I know that reality shows do stuff like this all the time, and I know that ANTM is a great example of a show that could barely exist without such manipulation. But I don't know, this particular case seemed so pronounced to me that I think it has to be an example of what life without writers means for ANTM -- the difference is in the finesse. Which is to say: don't expect much of that from here on out.

It kills me to say this, but for this reason, I think that the firing of the writers may actually help the show. I know, it's so un-PC and gross of me, but I can't help but wonder if ANTM was getting too slick for its own good. The first two cycles had this air of incompetence that served it so well -- they had a slipshod feel that amounted to structural ridiculousness to match the content's ridiculousness. I don't mean to bite the hands that fed me garbage from (roughly) Cycles 3 through this one, but I think that added incompetence might work for the show's favor if, for no other reason, it will provide more to ridicule (let's never forget that we're watching a televised modeling competition). It's sort of like the way terrible dubbing makes a bad movie worse. And by "worse," I mean "better." You know?

It's only a theory that the writers were perhaps too good at their jobs. My heart certainly goes out to them -- I'm sure it sucks losing a gig like this. And really, it's too early to say how their absence will affect the show. When I heard about it, I became very pessimistic about the show's future. However, after seeing this episode's delirious editing, I'm an optimistic ingrate.

2. Oh, and as an addendum to the CariDee vs. Melrose argument, I loved this:

Meanwhile she says this while practically on top of Eugena.

Who's closest?

See, a lack of awareness can be really amusing!

3. Ever noticed how friendly CariDee is? And by "friendly," I mean "friendly in the vagina."

Let me count the ways that CariDee came off as slutty during this episode:

"Come cuddle if you ever get lonely," she told Amanda. She should have added, "We'll roll around in some amniotic fluid, fetus-style. It'll be hot."

And then she had this whole, extended touchy-feely thing with Eugena.

Pit play? This show is practically fetish porn.

Probably so they can have sex in peace!

Here, I'll complete her thought:

Let's not forget the ass slap.

Or how aggressive she was about choosing a dance partner.

It was hard to capture because it was almost out of frame, but as soon as they were allowed to choose she looked at her guy and went, "You."

...which resulted in this cycle's biggest Imagine That!:

It's as if Jade herself made a special appearance. (God, how amazing would that be?)

4. Meanwhile, Amanda chose a 10-year-old boy to be her flamenco partner.

She was all, "Well, we have the same body..." I don't think he was even old enough yet to get a boner from having a girl take interest.

I tried to Photoshop a milkshake with two straws between them, but it didn't work out. You get the idea, though.

5. If Miss J turned out to be my special dinner guest, I'd ask to have it sent back.

Did he tell them anything they hadn't already heard better articulated by Tyra? And isn't your English in a sad state when Tyra's mastery of it is more pronounced?

I did like that he toasted to "America's Next Top Model-ette." That's pretty much what the winner ends up becoming. Smaller than a model, bigger than a breadbox.

Also, I liked that the twins, "two of the goofiest Gumby girls." Uh...my thoughts exactly!

Miss J: he's all right!

6. Remember how last week, Eugena said Mr. Jay didn't look like a matador -- he looked like Mr. Jay in a matador costume? Well, Lieutenant Colonel Obvious is back for a new round of observation!

"Amanda looks like Amanda trying to dance." I mean, can you believe the attention to detail? I wish they'd put together a clips reel of more of Eugena's insight. I'd love to hear her on Twiggy ("Twiggy looks like a blonde woman") or Nigel ("Nigel talks like a British guy") or Tyra ("Tyra Banks looks like Tyra Banks plus 50 lbs.").

On her own behavior during the (not at all contrived, cold-water-in-the-summer) photo shoot, Eugena said, "...my jaws were chattering." Really, both of her jaws were.

So literal, that one!

On being partnered with Melrose, Eugena says: "I don't know if I'm happy or not." No lie: this was her expression while saying "happy":

Following her own example in observation, I'll state that Eugena looks like Eugena with a stank look on her face. That's to say that Eugena looks like Eugena.

7. While practicing her dance, CariDee said she kept throwing hip-hop in. Here's what she meant:

Flava is just coming out of her ears. The only thing that could make her look more hip-hop would be a giant clock around her neck.

That is how you get down in '06.

Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if after the elimination tears, every ANTM episode ended with the remaining contestants shrieking, "Car-iiiiiiiii-Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"? More realistically, it'd be, "Tyraaaaa Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks." Now watch, I bet she steals that idea for the next cycle -- she has to top the self-obsessiveness of having the girls live in a Tyrahouse somehow.

8.

Today is Tyra's birthday. For her present, I'm fixing this photo by filling in her patchy stubble.

Happy b-day, Ty Ty. What would you do without me?

9. I think when Melrose was called first, CariDee mouthed "fucking bitch":

Such a lady. This is why I want her to win. And here are three more reasons:

I admire that CariDee is a beautiful woman who's able to look utterly busted. She's such a chameleon! Guess that's what happens when you learn from the best!

10. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. I want Melrose to win. For you see...

"If Melrose becomes America's Next Top Model, I'm going to puke. All over. I'll just puke." God, I hope she's telling the truth. We may be headed for the best finale in ANTM history!

Comments

[terry]

I said that all backward. Sheesh. "If the other girl WON" was what I meant to type.

[rod]

for the record, i've trademarked the phrase TragiDee in case your girl doesn't win tomorrow. (i'm all about the melrose.)

[Steve]

WORST... CYCLE... EVER!!!

I'm an avid fan of this show and am so disappointed with not only the final 3 girls, but the overall atmosphere and the mood amongst all the ANTM fans, that I'm finding a little comfort in watching BNTM (thanks to a couple of people above for mentioning it - thank heavens for youtube LOL)

I was waiting all along this cycle to see when the writers' strike thing was going to occur and it wasn't even gradual; and until you Rich pointed it out, it never dawned on me what was pissing me off about this last episode (I'm sorry, but c'mon Eugena making the top 3 based on potential only is the most blatant piece of bullshit... hell the bull in the previous episode couldn't have released that big o' pile o' shit if he ate up the models and shat them out!). That whole Melrose v. CariDee thing out of nowhere - calling out a girl in the final 4 for the most out-of-nowhere reason (I was always for the twins, but that's just me and my good taste).

What bothers me most of all is that you'd have to look back at the first three cycles to find the girls in the finals as catty bitches (or variants thereof). Maybe it's the "sanitization" of the show with the writers from cycle 4-6 that gave it some direction, but I think I might have liked it. I look at Naima, Nicole and Danielle - and other then personal problems they had with the resident bitches of those cycles, these girls were portrayed as saints (you can just see halos over them when they were crowned the winners).

But this cycle... I seriously hope they pull a fuckin' Project Runway and bring back Amanda just to shake this shit up...

Melrose - she has confidence and good pictures to back herself up - but she's SO stuck in her own world, she made Jade look humble (that acting challenge, her breaking down over a fucking challenge)
CariDee - she clearly needs medication - this girl has crumbled since coming to Spain - and as "funny" as her comments to Nigel were, or as "funny" as her mouthing fucking bitch in panel were - they just make her off as unprofessional
Eugena - oh give me a fucking break (I love fourfour - I can say fuck and not edit it). Lluvy's fish photo had more life then most of Eugena's portfolio...

The people at Seventeen Magazine will probably NOT be returning to ANTM as the grand prize - they probably think Altoosa is the only scary-ass to work for them. Franky, they have to be shitting bricks so to speak - one girl who would have to have her picture airbrushed to death if she won (Eugena), one girl who would be strangely distraught if she did it wrong (Melrose) and one girl who would probably fuck the art direction and photographer given half the chance... that is if she didn't say something inappropriate first (CariDee)

So here's our conundrum...

You have the more "realistic" tone of the reality show by losing these writers (which losing a job for this is a bad thing) and getting really sloppy-ass editing with "plots" that make no sense

Or you have a more "linear" cycle with coherency that seems to be more predictable...

I would think I'd want the former, but I think I'm leaning towards the latter... 'cause frankly if they get rid of all the good girls and leave only the bitches, then what the fuck kind of message do they send? That good things only happen to bad people??? FUCK THAT!!!

Thanks as always Rich :)

[kate]

I think Melrose has either borderline personality or bipolar disorder. she is, as the girls have been saying, CRAZZZY! When she was crying hysterically after Not Winning the dance competition, and then obsessively writing (coping skill!) in her journal, that is the sign of someone who cannot regulate her emotions, wild swings in reaction to what aren't huge life losses or tragedies. She's nuts.

Nice call out on the setting limits business too. There are no limits! You get on that elephant with a catheter in your arm and model around the jungle!! Too cold? Please. Get modelin'!!

I think Tyra is laboring under the illusion that the whole world would react to her the way these girls have to on the show: she enters a room, and everyone will jump up and down and squeal her name in delight. It's sad, really.

[Hateraid]

She did say f*cking b*tch. LOVES IT! Only you would catch that.

[xnowhereboyx]

I caught the "fucking bitch" too, but I thought she was saying it about Tyra and not Melrose...

[Brent L]

smaller than a model, bigger than a breadbox!!!!!!!

[SJ]

I am so glad you went off on how contradictory the whole Caridee scolding was. How cool was it when Tyra was all, "For Swimsuit Illustrated they had us modeling in the snow! Except not me." Whut?

That little Nacho dance instructor was adorable. I vote that he should run for Official Antonio Banderias in '07.

[siren823]

It will be Eugena and Caridee in the finals. Melrose is, and has always been too old, no matter how far she pulls her hair back. Eugena is in because there always has to be a finalist of color. Caridee will win because Danielle won the last time over Joanie, they have to shake things up.
I agree with the folks who say that all the girls suck. The wonder twins never should have made the show in the first place. There were so many more interesting women who tried out but didn't make it. But, as one of the former contestants pointed out, it isn't a show to find a model. It is a reality show to find interesting reality show contestants. Anchal, Melrose, the Wonder Twins, Pissy Monique, bipolar Caridee and Crazy Eugena are cannon fodder. None of them will ever make it as models but they were fun to watch.
As for the folks diagnosing Melrose, I would suggest she is nothing more than a goody-goody type A personality type. She was probably brought up to always plaster a smile on her face, even if she felt sad. Melrose hasn't shown any evidence of being a cutter (hallmark of the borderline) nor does she have any other skills that we have seen other than the journaling. If she starts snapping a rubberband on her wrist, we can talk.
Only reason I would like to see Melrose win? Because when she goes to a photo shoot, she is all business. With the exception of her freaking out over the dancing, every time she has had to work, she puts her game face on and does her best. No complaints, excuses or bullshit, just work. That is what a model is supposed to do - work.

I thought Melrose said that dancing ISN'T her soul/passion??

[Chantal]

You might have already seen this... (you have too many comments to check if anyone else has commented about this!)

http://dlisted.com/2006/12/05/thats-not-the-real-tyra-banks-we-see-on-top-model/

She sure fooled me ;)
Great recap!!

[Vinita Demla]

Hey, Rich! I normally never comment, but this is probably the BEST recap you've done so far. Mainly because, all of it is entirely true, and entirely laughable. That whole contradiction with Tyra saying "you need to know your limits as a model and step away from the situation" is such BS because before, in this SAME season, Tyra told Monique that "the modeling industry doesn't care if you're sick." Mmhmm. I love your sarcasticness. Do you write for anyone? Because your stuff would make a GREAT column on a newspaper or magazine.

that picture of melrose crying in her flamenco outfit made me laugh for like 5 minutes

[Lori]

Tyra plays a "character" on ANTM

http://socialitelife.com/2006/12/05/tyra_plays_a_character_on_antm.php

[Laura]

Looks more like Caridee mouthed "fuck me" since she knew she was in the bottom two. But who knows.

[fortune]

I agree with you Rich, Vinita and others on Tyra's contradictions. From telling Monique "the modeling industry does'nt care if you are sick" to snapping to Caridee "you need to know your limits as a model and step away from the situation" blablabla..She should be recording her Tyraisms so she doesn't forget her fake wisdom.

Does anyone remember in season 3 she eliminated the girl for saying she wants to use the modeling world to start her own manufacturing company for beauty products? Tyra said "I am so dissapointed by you" saying you want to use modelling to start your industry...blablabla. I don't remember the girl's name, she was an Indian girl and she was eliminated 2nd or 3rd. Yet in season 6 Tyra preached to the girls that modeling has no future, It has an end, so she wants them to think and tell her what they want to be in the future when their modeling career has ended. This is because "I want to create strong models who have proffessionals and blablabla(whatever she said)" Do you remember please? Then she asked them to act their roles where Furonda acted an Attorney, Jane said she wanted to be a kindagatten teacher (which shocked Danielle). Nenna a chemist and Aids researcher in Africa then in acting she created the chemistry with the black male model and kissed which made her crying boyfriend ask "did you kiss him? or something. Common everyone remember now.

FROM eliminating a girl for having another ambition rather than modeling, TO telling the girls to think of a future goal since modeling career has an end??? Confusing.

That goes to show how Tyra sometimes doesn't know what she is talking about and if she does then she doesn't clearly understand it or simply her brain chip doesn't comprehend some stuff. This also makes her think that even viewers are so stupid that they swallow whatever she is saying and of course agree with her without noticing her bleeped contradictory wisdom. Get a tape recorder Tyra please.

[Mara]

"CariDee will win - unless they pull out one of Flav's tricks and bring Joanie back for the last three"

nay, it could only be jade, who i didn't truly appreciate till she was gone...sigh. am rooting for caridee, but could really care less who wins at this point.

just wanted to say that "tyra's nite" remix made my day :)

[that girl]

i don't know if i have ever lol'd at the internet as many times and as loudly as i lol'd at this recap.

[♥dex]

Bravissimo.

Come sempre, R.

Caridee to Eugena: Wanna be on top?

Eugena: power bottom?

[ambien]

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[kiwimusume]

Oh my God, you've outdone yourself. The "Dear Bottle" letter, the Euro track...and I'm only a short way into your post!