Be my play-'Toy, too

You know what I love?

I love that for the first time in, say, 45 years, La Toya has the chance to be the world's most loved Jackson, if only for a brief flicker. Michael's a pop-culture leper, Janet's got her head up Jermaine Dupri's ass, and Jermaine (Jackson), Katherine and Joseph haven't felt the need to lament anything to the press lately. Now that she's on a reality show (seriously: what took so long?), it's La Toya's time to shine. Do you know how happy that makes her?

Do you know how happy it makes me?

I didn't love CBS' Armed & Famous, which premiered last night -- it's serviceable reality camp along the fish-out-of-water lines of The Simple Life (the premise involves taking five celebs of diminished varying stature, training them to be cops and plopping them in Muncie, Indiana to serve and protect). I did, however, love watching La Toya. I can't decide if she acts like she's lived her life in a bubble, or if she acts like she's lived her life blowing bubbles (I'm certain, however, that she did not not, I repeat, not live her life blowing Bubbles). slutmachine pointed out to me that even at 50, La Toya still acts like a 6-year-old. Seriously, the way she says something like, "All my life, I've wanted to do two things: I've always wanted to work at McDonalds, and I've always wanted to be a police officer," is so childlike and awestruck that I can't even hate her for the nauseating privilege behind her sentiment.

I also can't hate her for requesting a tablecloth at a peanut-shells-on-the-floor-type joint...

And seriously, after watching her fumble around with a coin-only detergent dispenser (because, clearly, she's never encountered one in her 50 years of giggling)...

...and then kicking ass at the shooting range...

...pointing a gun and hitting your mark is looking really easy right now. If La Toya can do it, I can do it, you know? Then again, I think if La Toya can do it, Winston can do it.

Other highlights included her opening walk:

(This is how you strut into my heart, obviously.)

The post-coital glow that followed her being tazed...

For real: E-stim is sweeping the nation. I learned that on X Tube, but La Toya Jackson brought it into my living room.

I love her earring. The heart through a giant loop recalls the key through a loop that Janet wore around Rhythm Nation. I'm sure this is just a coincidence.

Also fascinating are her eyebrows. Take another look:

They are antenna-like.

Maybe my favorite thing was the the celebs' instructor, told La Toya that she couldn't sing and dance her way out of her training. Nice that he knows her for her singing and dancing, unlike, you know, the rest of the world. Seriously, if you want to bring up La Toya's claims to fame, you should say things like, "You can't pose nude with a python your way out of this one," or, "You can't 1-900 your way out of this one," or, "You can't show up at a press conference ranting about your brother's pedophilia your way out of this one." To the instructor's comment, slutmachine responded, "She couldn't sing and dance her way out of a paper bag." So true, so true.

So yeah, A&F is fun, especially when it involves 70-year-old, toothless, Erik Estrada-worshipping coke dealers...

...but it's not anything I want to recap on a regular and/or extended basis. Still, if 'Toy does anything particularly outrageous or awesome, I'll note it here. She is, after all, the current star of the Jackson family and an inspiration to camp enthusiasts everywhere.

Most tenderly, she's the light of my life right now.

Comments

[Tootie]

Oh Rich, I didn't know I could love LaToya as much as Reebie(sp), but I do now!

I thought I wasn't going to like this show, but I do, even though I have no idea who the blonde is.

Having spent time in Indiana, I have a fondness for their WT. This show is like watching Cops with d-listers, which is never a bad thing.

Now is it wrong of me to find Jack Osbourne sort of attractive? I can't believe I just admitted that...

[kestrien]

When I was a little kid, I spent summers on my grandparents' ranch. They raised chickens and I got to pick one to be my "pet." What name did the little 9-year-old girl pick? LaToya. Yes, I named my pet chicken after Michael Jackson's skeevy little sister. I used to put a necklace on her and feed her bran flakes from a spoon.

[Jay]

I really hope Latoya blows up and gets her own show. Wouldn't that be sumthin'?!

[Karen]

Armed and Famous? Why haven't I heard about that?

LaToya having her own reality show seems one of those genius ideas that seems so obvious only after the fact. Why hasn't it happened already!

[stroll]

Toy is, and always has been, my favorite Jackson.

[MichaelTLH]

I could care less how "cleaned up" Jack Osbourne is, the midget annoys me and I've no idea who the blonde is... but LATOYA FOR PRESIDENT!

[Chuck]

seeing her shoot an innocent man during the mock traffic stop was the funniest thing i have ever seen on television.

[Pinwiz]

Latoya looks like she's having more fun than Jermaine is/was on Celebrity Big Brother. (I'm a few days behind, so I don't know if he survived the first eviction.) Of course, CBBUK has more whining/tea and less guns/meth.

[tia]

what a pleasant afternoon treat this was.

[Chaka_Kahn]

Why are you pushing slutmachine's blog so much? Not subtle.

[Jacquie]

Loves it! Yes do fill us in on random Toya moments, but without adding to your already busy recapping plate. I think that
"Don't try to (weirdness only Toya can claim) your way out of this one.." might be a candidate for the new Imagine that! by Jade..Very, very funny.

[pesky808]

ah ha ha ha! i thought i was the only one watching this show!

stop hating. slut machine is a humble genius. more coke/power to her!

[♥dex]

"stop hating. slut machine is a humble genius. more coke/power to her!"

^^Mysteriously the above comment has no author.

Oh, Slut, you sly devil you. I agree wholeheartedly regardless. ;)

thanks for filling the empty, empty space left behind by project runway and antm. luv ya rich!

[slut machine]

that wasn't me that posted that! i'm a genius, yes, but never humble.

[Kiki]

I know this is blog about La Toya and it was hilarious. But I have to say I need a Winston fix. Where is the kitty!!!

[Chaka_Kahn]

I'm not hating on slutmachine. I suppose I'm hating on blog advertising that doesn't admit what it is.

[Y]

OMG tonights episode! She's afraid of cats!

HAHA.

[J]

I FUCKING LOVE YOU! Seriously, I've been watching this show since its premiere and I fell in love with LaToya (naturally) immediately. I totally feel the same way as you, sexy! She's a motherfucking star, and she was shining the brightest in the most recent episode with her cat phobia and handling of the toothless crackhead who had a warrant out for her arrest.

She needs her own show STAT!!

~~IF YOU'RE READING THIS, SHINE ON, 'TOY 'TOY! FROM HERE ON OUT YOU ARE THE SHINING STAR OF THE JACKSON FAMILY! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DESERVES THE FAME, SO GET THAT SHIT!!!!~~

[Crazy about the girl]

Toy cannot "breast feed a stone Cupid with her siliconized milker in the same Playboy spread where the python got to know her vagina" out of my heart....

[Lisa]

Not to push LaToyah out of her well deserved spotlight, but Jermaine is whispering up a storm in Celebrity Big Brother UK:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyG0jbSDYyQ

[matt]

Oh E-Stim Xtube and LaToya Jackson. Together at last.

Seriously though, Xtube is like gods gift to people who want to know what fetishes are. I'd have never known there is an odd british slang term for wanking off into your sneaker (Scuvvy or something like that) without it.

[Maria]

Thanks for covering this Rich. I so want to hug her. She is adorably retarded.

[Dop]

Jermaine Jackson is on Big Brother Celebrity UK right now. They say he's very shy. Might be interesting to see how long La Toya's star shines, though.