I'd like to hate on the Academy

Hey everyone: look what God can do!

Now focus your attention on what he can't do: hair. 

This year's Oscars ceremony sucked. Seriously, you know something's amiss when it's boring on fast forward. It's bizarre because I thought Ellen was great, especially in her opening monologue, which basically implored the self-conscious to be more so. I was fine with, if not exactly excited for, most of the winners (especially Scorsese, Mirren, Arkin, until he started reading his fucking speech, and even Hudson). I was even OK with the predictable our-collective-heart-bleeds-green motif that wound throughout the night. But just about every non-awards bit was excruciating. Between the wannabe avant bullshit (shadow puppets lose their thrill after a while, no matter how big and cinematic they are) and the stupid montages (they're supposed to remind us why we love film but seriously, they just make me kinda hate it), I can't help but wonder if they're trying to waste our time (and I know, deep down, that, of course they are -- they have ads to sell). And I'm not even going to go into my displeasure at having to sit through 10 minutes of Dreamgirls all over again.

But whatever. With any awards shows come questions from me and here's the Academy Awards 2007 edition:

If Ryan Gosling continues his cuteness acceleration will he be the sexiest man alive by the time he hits 35?

Speaking of JenHud's hair, why is it flat? Does she sleep upside down?

(It looks like it might even be some weird digital cropping thing, some 'do letterboxing or something, but...

...nope. It's just...flat.)

Ugh, why Jack?

It's gotta be for a role, right? He's gonna be playing Mr. Clean or Daddy Warbucks or Kojak or Lex Luthor or Dr. Claw (as I imagine him to be behind that chair) or a penis, right?

What is that: velvet?

Do you think that Will Ferrell grew his hair out like that to show up John C. Reilly (as in: "This is what you go for but can never achieve, Skimpylocks?"). Or is Will gearing up to play Sideshow Bob? 

They can show genitalia on TV now?

What am I asking: of course they can!

Cate Blanchett, what are you doing to help the environment?

("Conserving oxygen by breathing through my nose, not my mouth.")

Why did Penelope Cruz bring a stick in the mud in a dress as her date?

 

(Seriously: why so hateful, lady? Does it hurt that much to be mistaken for Mexican?)

That camera can really sneak up on you, huh Jerry?

Did anyone else's heart rate quicken when Gore was doing his bit even though you knew it was a bit and you knew that even Gorebot wasn't about to announce his presidential campaign by reading off a prompter?

This guy (William Monahan, writer of The Departed) couldn't even keep his eyes open during his acceptance speech. That sheet he's "reading" off of is a ruse. Valium really, really works, huh?

Girls, isn't it about time you hung up the Prada? Isn't holding onto shtick the anti-fashion?

What is this Price Is Right Showcase Showdown bullshit?

I'd bid, but I know I'd go over.

You know how Gywneth Paltrow has saggy, baboon boobs (baboobs?)?

Do you think covering them was her strategy? If style comes down to accenting your strengths and deemphasizing your flaws, this hair placement was a triumph.

God. Lesbianism, cancer, global warming: it's always something with Melissa Etheridge, isn't it?

Girl, why you lyin'?

No one was surprised. Come on.

Do you think during JenHud's speech, Beyoncé was all...

"Please God, can you do that for me, too? I'd ask Daddy, but I hit him up for an Oompa Loompa earlier today and I don't want to push it. I'm a nice girl, see..."?

Is Eva Green the lovechild of Penelope Cruz and Elvira? Was Tim Burton the obstetrician?

Here's a multiple choice question: In which shot does Celine Dion mean it the most?

The answer is none of the above. Celine Dion means it the most when she contorts her lips to reveal the John Waters-mustache nature of her lip liner.

Do you think Kirsten Dunst chose a translucent dress because she wanted it to match her skin?

(Bitch is so pale she has the skin tone of a hot dog!)

OK, this isn't a question...

This is so cheap. It's one thing to read a list of names because people and their hurt feelings can be a hassle. It's another thing to read sentiment that's supposedly from your heart. At least Alan Arkin had the decency to acknowledge the lameness in reading a speech. Seriously, Forest, is it that hard to be a real person instead of an actor for 30 seconds? I'm not offended by his supposition that he was going to win (for why else write a speech?), I'm offended that he couldn't even memorize the bullshit that he was spewing. "I wanted to touch people" is just a pussy-fied way of saying, "I wanted to be famous."

Diane, how does it feel to be touching a human-sized penis?

Fabulous and post-menopausal, just as I suspected!

Did Marty forget his hearing aid or something?

Oh! I get it, finally...

Jack's supposed to be Oscar. His bologna has a first name and, more importantly, a purpose. 

Comments

[Joe]

God, u rock. That Oscarcast was lame - when a big ol Oscarfag like me gets winded at around 10pm central, you know they've lost everyone else. It was too refined, classy and dignified. Someone has to bring the crazy next year. Seriously. Melissa Etheridge quote - "This (the Oscar) is the only man who will ever be in my bedroom!" Oh God - we get it. You're a big, rug-munching dyke. Don't like the penis. Duly noted. That said, enormously happy for: Arkin, Scorcese, JHud. Also: I wanted to do every guy from Spain. Does that make me a whore?

[alex2.0]

this was my 1st time watching the oscars in its entirety. ellen was okay. could've been better. i thought the jack black/will ferell performance was funny. the dreamgirls performance wasnt that great. they were trying to out sing each other.

[chesca]

beyonce looked sooo pissed when jhud won. she was holding back tears but they were totally tears of jeallousy. so hillarious.

[D]

I think JHud's an amazing singer, but I never really thought that she was better than Beyonce, just different. After last night, I actually think JHud is different AND better.

Oh yes I did.

[angela]

Yes you are right about everything - still, I don't know, I mean I got up and walked away but still, you want some stupid interpretive dancing and now we know what Tom Cruise looks like with no moisture in his body, diuretics work too! They can do better but it is still fun even to hate it. I'm sort of sad that Jennifer Hudson couldn't remain charming through all of awards season. That broke my heart a little bit!

[nefertiti jenkins]

"what is that: velvet?"

HA.

is it me or did Beyawnce try to one-up Jhud during their rendition of "Listen"? Like, she was trying extra hard. And yet I did not care because that song bores me to tears.

At least Anika Noni Rose got some time to shine.

[moss]

I've never seen the Oscars but I can imagine that Forest Whitaker just didn't want to make a mistake right? I mean.. I don't think that I would extemp in front of the world on Oscar night.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

may the lord bless and keep the person who gave you a Tivo.

however, I really liked this year's broadcast. I went in with low expectations (Degeneres is basically white noise to me) but ended up enjoying it.

And as for Forrest Whittaker, are you taking issue with someone reading a speech at an awards show? Really? That's bothering you? I thought it was a nice enough speech. A bit too new agey and metaphysical for my taste, but the camera panned to his clock-stoppingly gorgeous wife enough to keep me interested.

[deeyou]

I hate Jack Black with a passion, why must he ruin all forms of media?

[Joan]

I thought Ellen's get up looked like a castaway Pips costume. Lame, lame, lame. Fake, fake, fake. It's a sad day when the Oscars become a parody of its own goofiness. Yawn.

[stroll]

Aw come on. Be happy for Jennifer Hudson.

[AntBee]

I wasn't watching the show, but could overhear it from the livingroom. I was going to go in and watch the Will Ferrell bit, but I saw Jack Black was his singing partner, and immediately turned back around. I hate that motherfucker!
I liked Ellen's purple velvet suit, and I don't care who knows!
I liked Kirsten Dunst's dress, too.
Ryan Gosling is my secret desire. Oops, guess it's not so secret anymore. Those sad eyes he has just make me want to...

[Shakespeare's Sister]

Best. Oscar. Wrap-up. Evah.

[trevor]

Yeah, Ellen looked awful throughout. Completely unflattering. Hated Nicole Kidman's dress with that THING! I thought it was pretty cool to see Speilberg, Lucas, Coppola, and Scorcese all on stage together (I could've done without Lucas though). And you're right, Jennifer Hudson had no reason to act as surprised as she did. Helen didn't get all shocked and she knew she had it.

[RichAndSinful]

Vat is dat, velllvet? Rich, you are da bomb!!

Oh, and are those 4 shots of Celine or the "Oh Industry" masks from Beaches? I'm confused.

[Carmine]

I get it. It's cool to diss the Oscars now.

[Rick]

You are correct. Jack is currently starring in a Rob Reiner movie alongside Morgan Freeman and Sean Hayes, and it's wrapping up shortly. That is why he's bald in the pic (God, for once in my life I feel like I'm in the know.)

[pesky808]

Penelope Cruz + Elvira = Eva Green.

Genius!

[amy [knitty]]

not just a purpose. a SPECIAL purpose. :-)

[Brandon H]

Haha, poor Jennifer, it's ALOT of work keeping all that shit together while dodging knife fights with Beyonce. Actually what I think was going through her head when Jennifer won was, "Oooow bitch you just wait! First all the attention and now a fucking Oscar! Do you know how many hoes I cut off just to get here! Ring the alarm!"

And I really just wanted Jack Black and those guys to just die. I really, really did. That made me soo angry looking at it. God!

At least there's Ryan Gosling. (sigh) And Peter Sarsgard (double sigh)

[rao]

Don't pick on my Forest!
His Golden Globe speech was an overwhelmed rambling mess. I felt sorry for him. Clearly he didn't have anything ready for that--or possibly couldn't remember anything he had planned to say. I'd much rather have someone pull out a piece of paper and make that sound meaningful than someone just reading a list of the names agents, lawyers and personal assistants.
Plenty of people memorize their speeches and they still sound like crap.

Although watching Jack Black make me long for the days of High Fidelity when he was so good in small doses.

[LaSexorcisto]

Forest just wanted to be prepared this time. I guess giving speeches is not his thing. A little corny but he was good. Rich, you're mean. ;-)

I'm so over J-Hud. Let's see what the future holds for her, but unless she finds another role about a dejected, rejected, talented, zaftig singer...well, I think she'd be wise to stick to music. Cause her acting is nothing special to me.

Ryan Gosling is one good-looking cat but he's that much better of an actor. He was good even in that crappy movie with Sandra Bullock about the two high school kids who were serial killers.

[Brad]

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, there's no hating on Seinfeld's nasty, overlong hating on the movie industry that, seemingly, was his revenge for not getting the gig to host. Or the worst damn audition for next year conceivable. Jerry, you got your glass buttplug to go up and read off the nominees, not to give us a preview of your new bit. Thanks to you, the second and third winner for Achievement in Sound got played off stage by the orchestra.

[Audrey]

I love you Rich! Once again. This is the first Oscar cast that I haven't watched since I was maybe 9 years old. It was a combination of how tedious and boring the Oscars are, how nothing I really liked was nominated, and that I'm the only one in maybe the world who thought "Little Miss Sunshine" sucked.

[Mike V.]

LOL!!
Bravo, great take on that 4 hour show.
Jebus, 4 hours.
But, I stuck it out.
Beyonce is the most beautiful creature on the planet.
And Penelope Cruz is the cutest.