Top, schmop

I have never been so happy to see a bunch of skinny bitches in my life. Yeah, I'm excited for the Feb. 28 return of ANTM (of course I am!), but I'm mostly excited that early word about the upcoming cycle would seem to be proved wrong by the sheer lack of chunk in the picture above. In November, TMZ.com reported that the girls of Cycle 8 would be stockier than previous ones. I have no problem with this, as I think it would be an interesting social experiment (I want to know how many eggs you need to have in your omelet every morning to go from plus size to double-plus size). I was, however, worried about what was reported in the second half of the article: "the girls are said to be some of the most humble and grateful girls the show has ever seen." That is some chilling shit. If I want to watch a humble and grateful group of women interact, I'll put on Sister Act (and especially Sister Act 2), damn it. Anyway, the point is that the article now carries very little weight as there are only two plus-size girls. It only follows that this leaked clip on YouTube packs a powerful punch of petty drama in 30 seconds. The bitches bitch about (wait for it) burping. Awwww yeah. ANTM's almost back, baby!

Instead of making up interests for the girls like I did for last cycle's, pre-show knee-jerk-off post, I'm just going to list a few off-the-cuff comments on the new batch of girls, who will be presented in order from grossest to not-so-bad-at-all-est. That other post seemed to confuse many people ("I can't believe her favorite food is lettuce!" read one message-board post) and besides, Sarah and Renee count Requiem for a Dream among their favorite movies. Now all I need to know is what they thought of π.

Anyway, here are the girls and my comments on them that have no basis except for the bile that fills and poisons me, bringing me closer to a suffocating death everyday. I took a few screen shots from an extended preview video (that seems to have been removed from the CW site) to get a better perspective on what these girls look like. They're all going to be made over anyway, so it's not like it matters, but really, does anything?

(All of the large shots come from Yahoo! TV)

Cassandra, 24, Former beauty consultant

I look at these pictures, and my first thought is, "Why?" My second thought is, "What?" That's as in, "What the hell is that?" A joke? A lizard woman? Miss J finally getting to live his obvious dream of joining the competition? Do you think people told Cassandra she should be a model all of her life, or was signing on for ANTM a supreme act of defiance? Oh, and I don't even feel bad for being hard on her - any woman that skinny who lists Phat Girlz as her favorite movie clearly has a sadistic streak. I'm just making sure things are even!

Brittany, 21, Bartender

Unless they're going to spin her as some ugly-hot "high fashion" thing (a la Sandra Bernhard or something), I just don't get this one at all. Maybe she applied for the show to put off her destiny as Midwestern stay-at-home mom who yearns for, but will never achieve, the life of lesbian abandon that her haircut and appearance otherwise suggest she'd be a natural for. Just a guess. She doesn't look terrible in the longer shot, but really, if you aren't a total Monet, what's the point in being one at all?

Dionne, 20, Student

She look mean.

Samantha, 19, Sales associate

Kind of the poor molester's Nicole from Cycle 5, innit? I look forward to seeing her without a writhing woodland creature on top of her head. Otherwise, what I'm seeing now is Adrienne Barbeau meets Little Oral Annie, and frankly, I'm terrified. Not my penis!

Whitney, 21, Student 

What's Whitney's secret? She's afraid of the dark...and she sleeps with a box of Ding Dongs. Whitney is the first of this cycle's plus-size girls. I wonder if they made her wear that poncho to accentuate the plus, or if she picked it out herself. Also, her cowboy boots are wrinkly like the feet of elephants (aka the descendants of mighty sauropods). Imagine that! The big photo says, "I can do fierce...on Tuesdays," while the tighter shot of her face says, "I'd kill and eat Kimberley Locke for her job as a Lane Bryant spokeswoman." It really could happen, too.

Felicia, 19, Sales associate

It's probably good for your bank account to look so whorey from far away. And really, it's better than looking whorey close up. And finally, it was probably only a matter of time before women started following Sister Patterson's lead in innovative hairline positioning. What? I Love New York is really popular!

Jaslene, 20, Admissions advisor

We already know how spicy Jaslene (not to be confused with Vaseline, so try real hard) is from last cycle's semi-finals rounds. At the time I said that she "walked like a tranny with a butt plug in," so I'm sticking to that. She's amusing enough, but kind of ridiculous looking. We'll see how well she photographs. She has blowjobby eyes, so I'm not counting her out just yet.

Kathleen, 20, Hair stylist

First of all, I love that her name is Kathleen. It makes me want to cook her macaroni, for some reason. Her hair is sort of like the Ronald McDonald afro of Cycle 4's Brandy as done by an M Person. Honestly, I wouldn't have ranked Kathleen so high were it not for another leaked premiere clip, in which she enters the casting room shrieking. The girl's got spunk. She seems a little haggard for 20, though. Black might not crack but it sho gets warped.

Natasha, 21, Stay-at-home mom

With that trying-to-be-tamed mane of hair sitting on her head, Natasha reminds me of post-Tell It to My Heart Taylor Dayne (you know, when it was finally clear that TD was Jewish and not black or Latina or whatever they tried to sell her as initially). "I'm tired of you telling me bad stuff about me," she says in the burping clip posted above. Already, Natasha? Why, we're just getting started! I, for one, can't wait to make fun of her accent.

Jael, 22, Bartender/Band manager and promoter

Jael seems to be trying very hard (Nice Glassjaw shirt. Where'd you get it? Hot Topic?). But I don't really hold that against her because she's hot and seemingly crazy enough. She reminds me of Jade already. I also like that she's rocking the butchness and pretty/blondeness at the same time. Nice contrast. She looks like she'd pierce your penis shut, but then kiss it to make it better afterward.

Sarah, 20, Photographer

Sarah's of Jael with the butch turned down to a vibrating hum, but I don't know, something tells me that this girl really has what it takes. I detect determination in her stoicism. That's fun. What's even more fun is that in the intro video on the CW site, she describes herself as "really intelligent." So smart she's willing to sacrifice her dignity for reality TV!

Diana, 21, Student/bookstore employee

Check out the calves on this one! Diana is the other plus-size model. She seems a little cheesy in the longer shot, but up close, I think she's stunning. I'm really into her square jaw, but then again, I'm gay. Regardless, I'm behind this girl 100 percent. I think that she has a good chance to win as a plus-size girl never has and Tyra's clearly on a crusade for society's acceptance of fat-but-not-too-fat girls. Team Chunk is counting on you, Diana.

And finally:

Renee, 20, Stay-at-home mom

God, I love this girl. Take Cycle 3's Ann, replace the butch with naughty and you have Renee. If she isn't a total animal in front of the camera and otherwise (appropriate for this cycle's jungle theme), I'm sure all it would take is a flasher to turn her out (like any good stay-at-home wifey!). I don't know how far Renee will go, I don't know if she can take a picture to save her life (open-mouth syndrome, anyone?), I don't know if she's a model at all, but she's plain and simply hot. And at the end of the day, isn't that what really matters?

Tyra promises a cycle that is "not just fierce, it's ferocious." Feb. 28 can't come soon enough!

Comments

[Daniel]

Yeah, I can see why they're humble. Anyways Rich, did you see the bit on TMZ today about Adrianne Curry (the Cycle 1 winner) getting, like, NOTHING from Revlon for her work as a winner?! So funny.

[Sanford]

Well, there goes my hopes for a social life.

[toonsNtunes]

um... there are 2 girls who are under 22 and their careers are stay at home moms. um... that is one of the scariest things I've heard today.

Is their some big trend of girls abandoning a lucrative future once they've met mr. right at community college?

[Kelly]

This is the funniest post we've seen in a while :)

::thumbs up::

[matt]

Oh my god! Hurrah! We both love and lust for (despite our gayness) Diana! Hurrah!

I do love Renee too, but from the video I think she's a wee bit blah to last too long sadly.

Kathleen is hot too!

[Lisa]

Oh Rich! You and I have the same top 3! I feel so validated!

[Kim]

Diana for the win, please.

[Gwen]

It's nice to have an ANTM post again. I miss it so much. Can't wait until the 28th!!!!!!

[Joe]

Man. Usually when they role out the new meat you can see why they'd be considered models, but this crew? YIKES. Aside for the fact that, hooray, anorexia is still very much in vogue - this group is serious fug. On what planet is Whitney considered model-esque? Flavaflavonia? Jaslene is hot, though. If they have a Puerto Rican Tranny photoshoot, she'll be top two, no problem.

[guv]

Samantha looks like one of the new fancy skinny models recently introduced to stir up trouble on Janice Dickinson's show, and Jael looks like a former-eastern-block porn chick.

[Emilee]

My.
My, my my.
How I've missed this.

[Beth]

I think you're not giving enough credit to Samantha. From her body position in that picture, she looks like she's been practicing poses in front of the mirror. Her body is actually very architectural in that picture. Just wait until after the makeover episode.

Also, nice air brushing, Tyra, to get rid of your self-proclaimed "fat ass."

[pepper]

Um, how is Kathleen hot? She's got crazy eyes (that may just be a bad shot, I guess...) and bad features. Perfect for this show's purposes, of course.

[AJ]

There's a clip on you tube of the winner. You think it's real?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6hfV6_OoT0

[Quel]

Team Renee!

I hope she's not a bitch. Or crazy. That would suck.

[TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts]

Nice photoshop work on Tyra.

[Scott Free]

Wow...TyTy's running out of ideas, considering how similar this season's...excuse me...cycle's group shot is to cycle six's. Go Team Chunk!!!

[pesky808]

OMG. Wait, TD is jewish?!

[Blair]

Ah, another round of fug to make me feel better about myself!

Did anyone check to see if the majority of these girls have vaginas? Because they might all be tucking.

[liz]

TWO stay-at-home moms, eh? I hope they pull out pics of their kids and get all weepy together about how they miss them, but goddammit this is for them!

[Ian]

Liz- quite frankly if that doesn't happen, I'd say ANTM is rather off it's game. The only thing more surprisingly would be if one of the porkers got past episode six and wasn't told they just didn't want it enough.

[Danielle]

I see Diana stole my body....she can keep it!

[Jessica]

"wrinkly like the feet of elephants (aka the descendants of mighty sauropods)."

Um, descendants? I'm pretty sure Behemoth and God said nothing about dinosaurs 'descending' into anything, let alone elephants. I mean really, does your elephant look like this (imagine picture of Behemoth/dinosaur)?? (But seriously, that clip yesterday was terrifying! I thought it couldn't get scarier and then the singing emerged.)

Also, bonus points for use of the adjective "blowjobby."

No where else is reading as fun as fourfour. =)

[JadeFan]

I am going to guess on Kathleen's makeover:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v56/latin_lunatic/jadeleen.png

[emily]

oh god i've been waiting for this with bated breath. if u didn't have it up today i was going to email you the profiles page on thecw and be like HELLOOOOO hehehehe

you always deliver

and LMFAO at sister patterson's hairline