What's weirder: that a girl who believes in etiquette ("I think there's always a time and a place to have fun...") made it past casting, or that the same girl would be kicked out of a modeling competition for seeming 15? Even when this show has the unreal reality of the modeling industry handed to it, it drops the ball. America's Next Top Model: what a country!
There's also a time and a place for crying and here it is:
23. Samantha
Ah, yes. The girl who calls home and cries first on the episode gets the boot. This cycle really is classic.
24. Jaslene
I know that Jaslene has deaf voice sometimes, but could she use the phone without some special device if she were really deaf? Huh? Can't hear you!
25. Renee
Renee cries because she wasn't given the chance to rock the "high school stereotypes" of class flirt and the weird girl. "I want to be a slutty social outcast," says the girl who got knocked up in her teens. Just sayin'!
26. Natasha
In Russia, is custom to cry with back turned. Natasha still has much to learn about what goes down on U.S. reality TV.
27. Jaslene
Jaslene, in cape-like get-up fit for Celine Dion, describes her enemies as being "scattered around the house." Reason 449 why models are like cockroaches (that one's just behind antennae).
28.
Don't worry about Samantha: God has a plan for her. That plan undoubtedly involves multiple appearances on The Tyra Banks Show. Or, as Sam and Tyra like to call it, The God Show.
And speaking of Buddha, the first Tyraism of the Week is an obvious one, but really, how could I not choose it? It's still early, receiving Tyra Mail is still fun, and Tyra's extended compare-and-contrast sessions still feel novel:
"Most modeling is kind of acting like a hoe, but making it fashion. Hoe...
...but then make it fashion...
...hoe...
...but make it fashion..."
See, I always thought the way to make being a hoe fashion had to do with the high heels you chose, but what do I know?
Also, hoe what fun:
If I were straight, I would masturbate to that (at Mr. Jay's urging).
Tyraism of the Week No. 2 is very special.
"You two are both beautiful, but what beat out somebody that takes beautiful pictures is something on the inside that the judges feel. They feel a story, they feel a life, they feel experience. And they see beauty on the inside, too. And that's what I love about this competition: 'cause it's not just about pretty, or a pretty picture, it's about more than that. Congratulations. You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."
Yes, that's what we all love about this competition. Also: way to pat yourself on the back. Now compliment yourself for having such soft hands.
But really, since she's directing this to Natasha (who'll take anything thrown at her, including, probably, tomatoes and maxi pads, as compliments), it's probably most helpful to examine this Tyraism not as it was said, but as it was understood by our favorite English annihilator:
"You two are most beautiful. But what beats up somebody then takes beautiful pictures is something on your insides that the judges peel. They feel adore-y-ble, they feel a wife, they feel delirious. And they see beauty on the inside shoe. And that's what I love about Natasha. She is pretty, she is pretty picture, she is more than that. Congratulations. You are still in the funny swords. Me dummy: America's Next Top Model!"
Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - "[On Samantha] So much potential, but so bottled up. It's almost like she needs pre-America's Next Top Model school." In other words, go back to pre-1st you 15-year-old reject!
Oh, and if you care: the word "fierce" was said six times this episode. It feels like '87 (and '92, and '96, and, '03) all over again!
I'm not done with Natasha yet:
1. OK, so I'd feel bad about making fun of her struggle with "basic English" (and really, wouldn't have a place to talk anyway, since her English is about 500,000 times better than my Russian), except that her default mode of understanding is to be flattered. And so, when Miss J called out her marching, she not only decided that he was calling her "Martian," but that this was somehow a good thing. Diminished gravity is fierce, y'all!
You know what, though? Mars would explain the language barrier a hell of a lot better than Russia. (Ann was hot, but come on!)
And about that walk, I don't think it's so much a march as the expression of two legs that are very much in love with each other.
Seriously, she walks like her legs want to make baby legs.
2. And speaking of walks...
...does anything about this say "winning" to you? Brittany's swinging like the '20s! Is she a flapper or, like, Olive Oyl?
Whatever, at least the prize matched the output:
But, you know, I have to give it up for Brittany's picture-taking ability:
She's not anything I'd call pretty, but I do admit that her face is fascinating. This, however, is not fascinating:
Either stir up some shit, or get off the pot.
3. And speaking of Olive Oyl, did you notice how Samantha turned into Popeye when she was eliminated?
She should have kicked Brutus' ass (and by "Brutus," I mean "Tyra"). Even better was that weird shaking that took her over, as Natasha spazzed in her own way:
It just goes to show that like snowflakes and loaves of head cheese, no two seizures are exactly alike.
4. God, and that walking drama between Felicia and Jaslene was almost too petty for me to follow and, I don't know if you've noticed or anything, but I tend to be meticulous and ultimately petty. In this corner...
...a native English speaker whose articulation rivals Natasha's. In that corner...
...a Latina who just went from spicy to salty...
...and who also may have been raised by wolves or drag queens or wolves who were drag queens. Also: she may be a Disney villain. Seriously, who says "darling?"
Whatever, though, it practically goes without saying that Jaslene tore up the photo shoot.
I seriously love that this weird, tranny, deaf-not-deaf, Disney villian is the frontrunner right now. Only the best for ANTM!
5. More runway drama:
I love that Sarah gave the high school a scoop of her tall ol' smitties. And how special was it that she was able to share it with Jael? Says the wise one: "I thought it was very liberating for her, and I'm very proud that she got to experience that next to me." Jael thinks Nipplegate should be recognized as a federal holiday. She's proud! Proud like a three-year-old who went poop on the potty! Well you know what?
I'm proud that my TV decided to unscramble the signal sent by Time Warner to show me Jael cavorting in front of the girls semi-nude. I think that's really special of my TV.
The best part about this picture is Whitney because not looking is killing her. Because in these shots...
...you know that she's just dying to play basketball with Jael. "Play" "basketball."
6. When I saw Cassandra do this on the runway...
...I wondered if there was something wrong with her. Neurologically, like. But then she explained that she thinks that this...
...being like, "Whatever," in this way is more high fashion to her. And now I know there is something wrong with her. Neurologically, like.
And, on that note, it's time for this week's Pretty Party:
(It only now strikes me that what Jael is rocking on her head looks like what would happen if Carol Brady's hair somehow got addicted to meth.)
(Felicia's eyebrows look like Colorforms. Seriously, she better lick them before she puts them on, or they're liable to slide off. With that in mind as well as her admittedly decent shot this week...
...she will heretofore be known, at least in my heart, as Felicia "Left Eyebrow" Lopes.)
(Raised by the same drag-queen wolves that raised Jaslene, or just mentored by RuPaul?)
(I don't think is gums/teeth are that fucked up anymore. Do you think he got done what I Love New York's Real got done?)
How did that get in there?
To cleanse our palate of this week's Pretty Party, I give you...
7. Dionne
This girl is lovely for real. I think she's officially my favorite.
I totally buy that she's good with seducing people.
8. If Dionne isn't my favorite, surely Renee is. I mean, she used the phrase "Little Miss Cha Cha Diva" to describe Jaslene. Wait, is that racist?
I love that she openly mocked Jaslene's panel breakdown. Me too! I also loved that she, at one point, described herself as "piffed." Is that, like, a combination of "pissed" and "miffed," or is she reminding us what she had for breakfast? Piffed rice? And you know she chased that shit with pack upon pack of Pissty 120's.
She is seriously a bitter 45-year-old substitute teacher in the body of a televised-modeling-competition participant. Give her some shoulder pads, colored eyeliner and Nicorette and she'll be in her element.
9.
What high school cliche do you think Sutan was back in the day? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess "weird girl."
10. Jay Manuel still really thinks he's Tim Gunn. Oh well. Gays will be gays!
11. I have nothing to say about this, but I'm still compelled to post it:
12. Just when you thought this show couldn't get queerer...
...Miss J busts out the ruffles.
13. I'm still obsessed with Natasha. I think it's because her brain works so differently than anyone I've ever encountered. Here's why:
Instead of a brain, she has a pack of hot dogs. "What does it mean?" asks Natasha. Um...it's a compliment!
I don't know why it STILL astonished me how green these girls are, how they "cry" at the drop of a hat, how whiny they are... when you'd THINK all of them have watched the show before.
Or is 98% of the bullshit scripted?
Posted by: LG | March 12, 2007 at 09:28 AM
Did anyone else think that Jaslene looked kind of like Sutan in her "freak" photo?
Posted by: Rosa | March 12, 2007 at 09:33 AM
jaslene is killing her pictures and I'm very surprised. Great recap!
Posted by: ANTMaddict | March 12, 2007 at 09:41 AM
jaslene is killing her pictures and I'm very surprised. Great recap!
Posted by: ANTMaddict | March 12, 2007 at 09:41 AM
What about Tyra's whole "She pretty.. but she don't look like me" rant.. that made me laugh out loud.
Posted by: Sarah | March 12, 2007 at 09:48 AM
Does anyone else think that Casandra has a pre-surgery Michael Jackson nose? Hopefully they'll do makeovers again on this cycle and she can get that thing chopped. I'm still waiting for ANTM to add sub-titles whenever Jael speaks. She is horrible. Trust me. NO one else in Detroit talks like that - pre or post alcohol consumption. Unfortunately, they'll probably keep Renee for the bitch factor of the program just like they did Jade. (Thank you for believing in me.)
Posted by: Ms. Kizzy | March 12, 2007 at 09:58 AM
Rich, are you becoming like me this cycle? I don't want to see a single girl go, they all are so nutty and weird and have so many things to make fun of, there isn't a single girl who annoys me right now (except Whitney), I want them all to stay!!!!
Posted by: matt | March 12, 2007 at 09:59 AM
I can't get behind the Renee love. Sorry! She's just too much of an asshole. At least people like Elyse, Yaya and Melrose could back up their assholeishness with actual talent. Renee just sucks!
Posted by: Shawn | March 12, 2007 at 10:07 AM
I loved it! First stop Monday morning!
Posted by: angela | March 12, 2007 at 10:13 AM
I can't stand Renée, and will someone please shoot the monstrosity that is J. Alexander?
Tyra needs to shut the hell up, but we know that will never happen. I used to like the bitch. See what eight cycles of this bullshit have turned me into, a bitter and hateful fag. Yet, I can't stop watching.
Posted by: AntBee | March 12, 2007 at 10:14 AM
Renee is a heinous bitch. I love her!
And these girls and their lack of talking ability...It makes my whole experience watching the show that much more enjoyable.
If you put Natasha, Jaslene and Jael in a room together, I bet they'd come up with a whole new language in no time flat.
Posted by: AJ | March 12, 2007 at 10:14 AM
"Nipplegate recognized as a federal holiday"?? You just made my day!
Posted by: G. | March 12, 2007 at 10:18 AM
Great compliment to the 'translation' section. That's a real classic!
I am so happy that Natasha made it into the make-over episode, yeah! Especially since it's such a promising one (if the preview is to be believed).
At this point I honestly hate Renee, she so gets on my nerves. Bitch should stop whining about the same shit over and over again. I'd rather hear about her son than her bullshit-crybaby complaints.
Did Tyra really say that they all looked more stylish than the previous cycles' girls? Judging from what Jaslene and Renee were wearing and what Jael sported on her head you could think ANTM's former candidates were a bunch of crack-addict homeless ex-prostitutes. Way to run down your own show Tyra!
How cool was that "Felicia you've already won"-thing Tyra pulled out of her hat respectively from underneath her do-rag?
At this point I just hope Felicia wins and Tyra gets into the media for this and decides to run a counter-campaign on her talkshow that involves crying, weaveswinging and all the other things that kept her famous after her modelbody turned into that...entity that it is now.
Posted by: kiloran47 | March 12, 2007 at 10:26 AM
I hate Renee with the fire of a thousand suns. I can't get behind her like I did with Jade. Jade is a beautiful biracial butterfly. Renee's just a twat.
Felicia's picture was kind of awful. What's with the open mouth? She's really hot though.
Brittany's walk was a mess! I hate to agree with Jaslene cause she was getting on my nerves, but she really had the best walk I thought. And she didn't make that many mistakes. It was funny to see her drown in her tranny tears.
Brittany, Jaslene, and Dionne had the best pictures by far.
Samantha was pretty. But she was so boring. I rather keep Natasha and her clueless, non-English-speaking patoot.
Posted by: LaSexorcisto | March 12, 2007 at 10:32 AM
curmudgeon that i am, i laughed out loud many times, thanks rich.
does ms. jay have one brown eye and one blue eye in his ruffle shot?
Posted by: acolyte | March 12, 2007 at 10:39 AM
#16! YAy! lol :p
Grrreat Recap, Rich! Fierce!
Posted by: Tisch! | March 12, 2007 at 10:49 AM
Bahaha that was my favorite part of the show!
"She is sooo fierce, we may as well just end the competition right now! Felicia, girl, YOU WON! ..but you don't look like me"
Posted by: Laura | March 12, 2007 at 10:49 AM
Does anyone know if the writers are still on strike? Because I have a feeling that would explain a LOT...
Posted by: Aaron | March 12, 2007 at 10:53 AM
Is nobody going to mention how Kathleen would have easily rocked Teacher's pet? She's already proven she can fawn over Tyra. A teacher is child's play. You know, right?
Posted by: JadeFan | March 12, 2007 at 11:01 AM
OMG Rich! Another great post! I have to say that this cycle is much more of what we like for ANTM!!
I wish you would have mentioned the part when TyTy was commenting on Felicia and mentioned that she does not look like her. She was talking about Kesse (sp?) from Cycle 1 looking more like her and I thought it was typical Tyra. I think it was a contender for a Tyraism....
Posted by: Boston Jason | March 12, 2007 at 11:13 AM
Is it just me or is Jael TOTALLY mocking this competition? I think she joined it as a joke with her friends, and the whole "OMG you like my picture Tyra?" is all just an act. She's a smart cookie, that girl.
Posted by: JaelFan | March 12, 2007 at 11:17 AM
Ok Does anyone else think Jael looks like Minnie Driver? I thought so the first week but once she put on that wig it sealed the deal.
Just go away Renee, I can't stand you right now!
Hate her and not in a love to hate her way.
She sucks and she blames it on everyone else when she could be good if she tried.
Love CariDee, she needs her own show, MTV bring back "House of Style" with CariDee and Heatherette instead of Cindy C and Todd Oldham.
Thanks a million Rich!!!!
Posted by: Victoria | March 12, 2007 at 11:33 AM
Woo-hoo! I am so happy that I discovered these recaps via Potes on TWOP- I knew when I clicked on Vagina Arms, something special was going to happen. :) Great recap and I love Natasha's brain.
Concerning past ANTM winners, I think Eva is in the spring Brooks Brothers ads. It's a 3/4 shot of her face so I may be wrong... It's not lame that I noticed, is it? hahaha
Posted by: Sarah D | March 12, 2007 at 11:35 AM
Totally agree with JaelFAN, if she was as stupid as she pretends to be she wouldn't have great pictures. She is totally working everyone and I believe she is well versed on the subtle nuances of the panel and show.
Posted by: Victoria | March 12, 2007 at 11:35 AM
Woo-hoo! I am so happy that I discovered these recaps via Potes on TWOP- I knew when I clicked on Vagina Arms, something special was going to happen. :) Great recap and I love Natasha's brain.
Concerning past ANTM winners, I think Eva is in the spring Brooks Brothers ads? It's a 3/4 shot of her face so I may be wrong... It's not lame that I noticed, is it? hahaha
Posted by: Sarah D | March 12, 2007 at 11:36 AM