Jael to the No

When I was young, my next-door neighbor, for a brief period, had this Shar Pei that was just kind of wrong in the head. She was alternately sweet and aggressive and her saliva had the consistency of mayonnaise. One time, she got free from the yard, and so I chased after her. She scurried under this huge evergreen, whose branches hung low and thick enough to create sort of an enclosed den. Inside, I saw her devour (or more like, inhale) one by one, what must have been recently born bunnies, pink and hairless. Immediately after, I described them to my mom as looking like "hot dogs with eyes." More accurately, they looked like this:

That incident, by the way, was traumatic and disgusting enough to force me to never allow that dog to lick me on the face again, and I'm a lick-me-on-the-face kinda guy, you know?

Speaking of licking:

69. Jael

Mmmm...salty.

70. Brittany

So, not only Brittany is allowed to cry about whatever she wants, she now has handlers dabbling her tears at her whim. Coddle her, why don't you?

71. Brittany

OK, now she's poking herself in the eye to make herself cry!

72. Brittany

"Someone stole my button and it was my favorite!"

73. Brittany

See that one tear below her left eye? You know that when the camera wasn't on her, she squeezed it out, pimple-style.

74. Brittany

I seriously give the fuck up.

75. & 76. Jael and Natasha

Jael is crying because she's leaving. Natasha is crying because she misunderstood what Tyra says and thinks she's going to jail.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Gotta tell you, I love introducing you [Erika Heynatz, original host of Australia's Next Top Model] because Top Model was just this idea that we had that we thought would be in America, but now it's in over 120 countries." First of all, don't tell me you're wearing bobos while crushing my balls with your Manolos. "Just this idea?" It seems so humble until you get to the part of the sentence where Tyra boasts about her fucking globalization. Don't preach at me, you imperialist with synthetic hair. I watch your show! I know it's good and worth spreading like the legs of...well, rejects from this show who are just trying to get more work.

It should be noted that Tyra brings this up whenever possible. Along with, "So who goes home?" "Congratulations. You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model," and "the girl with all the potential in the world," this 120+ countries shit is headed for the Tyraism Hall of Fame.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"You have to remember, when they're going after a younger viewer...you see how I'm talking to you right now? Plump 'em, don't clump 'em, girl! Y'know? Like, always be like this. It's kinda camp!"

Yeah. It's kinda camp like tucking your male genitals between your legs and walking around is kinda uncomfortable. (And, alternately, kinda exhilarating, but you didn't hear that from me.) Which is to say: very. ANTM is like camp camp! (And with Jael around, a little like hobo camp.) Also, "You see how I'm talking to you right now?" = "I speak to you like a child." And she's fine with that. Finally, her blinking gives me seizures, and I kinda like it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Six girls stand before me, but I only have five photos in my hands. What we've done is we've taken what we call screen captures from your commercials and created a photo."

She's got her fist all crumpled up like that when she says "screen captures" because Tyra knows that this shit gives you carpal tunnel. She's well versed. And really, last week it was acknowledging ANTM's humorousness, this week it's screen captures, what's next? A mention of the word "blog?" Do it, Tyra. Tell 'em I sent you. I always tell 'em Large Marge sent me. And by "Large Marge," I mean you.

1. Speaking of which, remember the "lazy hippo" dance she did on the first episode (which I'd link to except it seems that 90 percent of the images in my archive are broken, which is so fucked up that I'm thisclose to hyperventilating because I think that maybe something terrible happened and my hours and hours of hard work will never be restored, but anyway...)? Here's the sequel, brought to you by a zaftig marsupial. I call this dance the Gross-a-Roo.

I love how the bowed kangaroo legs look like massive balls from this angle. Ain't no tucking those in for the sense of uncomfortable exhilaration!

Also, awesome:

Awesome.

Awesome.

Awesome.

God, if only that My Little Pony horse mane (size husky) fell off her head, this could have been the best episode of all time for that alone (otherwise it was kinda meh, no? Did this cycle shoot its load already?). I love that she thought it would be fine to put a kangaroo head on top of her wig and remove it. Girl, don't you know that there's only enough room for one synthetic animal on your head at a time?

2. And what about Natasha's delayed reaction to the announcement that it was time to back their bags (y'all) for Australia? She sounded like when you pinch the mouthpiece of a balloon to make the escaping air sing. No?

So what the fuck do you think could have been running through Natasha's head between the time that Tyra busted in dressed as a kangaroo and the time that Natasha actually realized what was going on? Here are my guesses:

- "I never knew Tyra was so furry! But her hips is looking thinner!"

- "Mr. khaki man, you can hunt my crocodile any day of the month you wanted!"

- "I am so pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Pretty. Pretty. This is probably party for my prettiness."

- "Those girls with the, what's it called? Fancy packs? Those girls with the fancy packs around their waists has pretty eyelashes. Why is the pretty fancy pack girl hopping around and trying to box me?"

But then, I only think these things about Natasha because she has the look and is able to talk. Seriously: way to inadvertently spell out your limitations. Indeed, Natasha is able to talk, but her communicative skills end there. I love how stringing together Aussie slang barely made a dent on her coherence. A rose by another name is still no kinda public speaker, you know?

And, though this doesn't relate so much, since I'm talking about Natasha, I should point this out:

"When I was growing up in Russia, I believed that I can do somethin' bigger than just marrying some guy from the next door..."

I mean, language barrier and all, can you believe she fucking said that? I'm so glad that she achieved her dream of doing something bigger than marrying the guy who lives next door. The guy she married doesn't even live in the next country. You know you're jealous.

3. God, if only I could write about Jael in the same way I can write about Natasha. I think Jael just runs free too much to be tangible.

I think the real question is, "Who decided to wear said (used!) tampon as a tutu?" And we all know the answer: Jael. (Tampons expand and shit, right?)

She's a spreader of light, which means what, exactly? That the sun shines out of her behind? That it's not like any other love? That this one is different, because it's Jael?

Answers my question!

I will miss her free spirit.

I will miss the joy she spreads to the universe.

I will miss her Jerri Blank-ness.

(The dyke-meets-and-marries-John-Wayne-for-convenience stance is totally Jerri, right? Totally called it last week.)

I will miss...this:

Now that Sarah and Jael are both gone, who will provide the tics for the rest of the cycle? Who?!?

4. Oh, Jas...

"I've had a lot of problems with my talking. Like, my Spanish accent was really bad. I feel like, I wanna talk, I wanna talk good."

Hmmmmm.

"I had the biggest question mark on my forehead. Like, I didn't understand a word."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Do you think it's possible for someone to be too stupid to realize that they're deaf? Because I do.

5. Hey, Dionne: what do you think of this recap so far? Can you describe it in a few words?

"Some crazy mumbo jumbo..."

Uh, thanks. It's about to get crazier as this week's Pretty Party (or, as Natasha calls it, Party for Prettiness) goes Down Under and gets turned all around! Whoo-hoo! Zany!

I haven't talked about them lately because they look more and more ridiculous every week, but seriously: those ruffles look more and more ridiculous every week! J says, "Fashion has no sympathy or empathy," and I think that goes especially for the ruffled.

That ends this week's Party for Prettiness.

6. And speaking of Sympathy for Lady Wack-Strands...

So, did she get run over or hit(-tit-tit)? Because there's a huge difference there. It's like the difference between pancakes and scrambled eggs. Or comedy and drama, because for real, whenever I listen to that "run over" MP3, I crack up. Like, hard.

Also, why is Brittany's hand about 10 shades redder than her face?

Oh wait, let me guess: her hand got run over (or hit while it was crossing the street), and it can't remember what color to change back to.

7.  Oh, CariDee and her voice over work...

These segments are way postmodern. They should be called "My Life as Someone Making 'My Life as a CoverGirl' Spots."

8.  It's nice to see April again. Fun fact: she was in the reporting class that slutmachine and I took in college. Imagine our delight when, a few years later, we learned that we could ridicule her all over again in the comfort of our living rooms!

Just kidding. I have nothing but love for April. I thought she was awesome on Cycle 2. Although now, she kinda has an Atoosa vibe. Not a dramatic one, she's just kinda 'Toosy.

Also, I'm glad she's getting work, but uh...

The seediness of Miami + the word "vibe" = a sex-toy showcase in my mind, and I won't hear anything else about it!

But thank god she came on this episode to do what she did. Otherwise, I may have never heard Natasha enthuse the phrase, "hot talk." I'm erect, why aren't you erect?

9. Executive realness:

Hey Dionne, do you think Tyra is urban and edgy?

"Hell yeah!"

Brown (ha!) noser.

10. And speaking of Brown...

She's cool, she's cool. No really.

I loved this challenge for two other reasons:

When asked what Aussie chicks have over American ones, this person said "sex appeal." Take it from the expert in the body-hiding rugby with the face-hiding hair and the maturity-hiding backpack. Frumpy is the new sexy, didn't you know?

And this:

So by extension, "fag = dunny person," right?

11.

Elaine, you need to learn how to hold your face. Your eyes look dead and your ears are missing that perky spark we love to see in our marsupial contestants. The texture of your fur is a mess, and you need to decide whether to lose that 10 lbs. and become a regular model or gain some more weight and become a plus-sized kangaroo. Because, girl, the way things are now, your pouch is baggy. And as far as your personality, what happened to the girl who practically bounced in and up to the judges' table during auditions? The tongue is sexy, though. Keep doing that.

12. For those who hated on the shark shirt that popped up in yesterday's post, I've taken a picture of it in its full glory, so you can either understand it better or hate it more. People, this is why I'm hot!

13. All right, Natasha, why don't you send them out?

"G'day mate!"

Eh, that was pretty lame. Tyra, show her how it's done.

Proper!

Comments

[Jazzy]

April needs her bangs back.

[Nikos]

Oh Jael, I sure won't miss her.

[FistaLee]

first?

[amb]

LOVE IT!!! Especially the "that's cool that's cool" megamix.

[Toothy Tile]

Now that we've learned of Brittany's dramatic past, the story behind Jaslene's deafness is coming up next.. RIGHT?

I would've loved for the models to have been given made-up Aussie slang. Hell, a lot of it sounded like bullshit already. Cactus? Give me a break.

[Daisy]

Flawless as always~ with a special love for your Smiths lyrics. This one IS different, because it's US!!!

Keep up the good work!

[jane]

Loves it! Natasha gets more delightful every episode. And how galling must it have been to the ACTUAL NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS that she won the talking challenge? That has to be like Bush suddenly correcting so meone's pronunciation of French, no? Team Nata all the way!

[jane]

Loves it! Natasha gets more delightful every episode. And how galling must it have been to the ACTUAL NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS that she won the talking challenge? That has to be like Bush suddenly correcting someone's pronunciation of French, no? Team Nata all the way!

[AJ]

Upside down the ruffles look even more like they are trying to devour Ms. J. Weird. Weirder yet...that he's doing it at all.

I sort of love Natasha.

And the shark shirt isn't THAT bad...

[LaSexorcisto]

And the world is right again. Thanks Rich. The nice weather is over and it's a gloriously shitty 45F in my neck of the woods. This is a pick-me-up fer sure

I thought this episode was pretty boring. The Aussie slang challenge was crap and I thought Renee should have won it. I figure Tyra just gave it to Natasha as a "token" win.

Thank you baby Jeebus, Jael and her meth-face is GONE. I had a couple of stupid hippie friends like her who wanted to heal the world or some stupid shit like that. Get a job and get off my couch

Jaslene's voice is atrocious and there's no way in hell she'll win. I hope she makes it to the last 3 (along with Natasha and Brown). Even the Aussie Top Model chick made reference to the amount of drag Jaslene exudes as being "overwhelming".

[Mathie]

Love it

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Is it greedy to want an entire recap done in Natasha-speak? Please? Um...it's my birthday? (it's totally not).

oh and my workplace has blocked the image of your t-shirt (because of "whore" in the title, i suspect) therefore i stand by my earlier claim. Harumph.

[BlueDevilSarah]

April's looking pretty rough. Too bad. She was such a pretty girl however many years ago.

[Me]

first!

[Genevieve]

I love your kangaroo criticisms.

[janine]

Where'd you get those shelves? They're perfect for your vinyl. Maybe they'd work for mine (though the rest of my living room is dark wood).

[Rose]

G'Day Mates...BEST recap for this season...thanx for making me laugh each week!!!

[Pamsey]

Good: Watching ANTM
Better: Reading Rich's recaps
Best: Rewatch episode AFTER reading Rich's recaps
Love the shark shirt!

[David Lampert]

In shot 72, Brit is upset because she obviously needs one more piece of flair.

First? no ways. better late than never Rich

[James Derek Dwyer]

I have to say, I will miss Jael. She brought the incoherent yet ridiculously nice to ANTM this cycle.

[Tati]

April should have stuck to the fringe! She's totally rocking the Tyra fivehead now.
Did you really take a reporting class with her? Ironically, I have a reporting test today, too. In one hour ...
(like, no kidding).
Also, is it just me, or does Natasha look kinda like Erica Heynatz in those Aussie commercial screencaps? Maybe it's the ponytail ...

Keep the shark shirt. I think it's awesome. :D

[Joe]

Oh Rich - I would have a party for your prettiness anytime you want! My God, that made me laugh. You know what this episode did? It made me miss Jade. No one ruins a Cover Girl commercial quite as spectacularly as she did - "FABULOUS!" Brittney - ugh! I think the producers are readying us for her inevitable booting because she rocks as a model but her edits have lately made her insufferable. It's telling that I didn't give 2 shits about her memory issues. Overall - so very boring an episode. I think the season blew it's wad, Rich. Next week is Go-sees. Wonderful, another montage of idiot girls getting lost in a foreign city and maybe or maybe not making it back in time. I really think some parts of the ANTM template just have to fucking GO.

[elb]

Yeah, can we talk more about this whole "class with RoboApril" business?

[W.C.]

FIST!