Recap of the Recap: Natashaspeak Edition

"Whud id doo shawties?" Natasha here bringing sexy back to all the boys and ladies and lads and midgets. Today, I will be your corrosponent here to cursturbate your journey through the first section of America's Next Top Model, Bicycle 8. We get down like black on sheep after the leap, shoebags!

But first...a word from Rich: I'm going to let my ever-developing (/ever-troubling) alternate "Natasha" personality do most of the driving here, but I will need to interject occasionally. Heretofore, my words will be in this color red. That way you won't get it twisted, because Lord knows I'm feeling like I'm at Natasha's level of articulation more and more everyday. My brain is rotting out of my head. I think it's because of this show...and l love it.

Since I have the floor, I want to start by pointing out that, literally, the second that I saw this opening shot of the Cycle 8 recap show...

...I exclaimed, "Being a top model...!" Lo and behold, I'm fucking psychic. Wink, wink.

Anyway, here's Natasha:

Right, so, when we arrive, we meet at airport. It can be lunatic at airport, with all the people and babies and old people and keychains. For me, the crazy thing is how much people look at me. It is like they cannot do anythin' else but stop and stare with their eyesballs when I am in the place to be. It's nice, but can be annoyin' at occasion.

When we first saw the Jays, I was screamin' and not believin' I was seein' them alive. But what you didn't see on the first epilepsy is that they were totin' camels! Mush!

And then we try out. It wasn't stressful because I am pretty. One of these girls are not like others and it's me, Princess of Prettiness, snitches!

"I'm very likable." When I watch this with friends, some laughed when they heard that. I refuse to talk to them for multiple minutes and then I pull their babies' ears because my words are very true and beautiful. I am very likable!

Then we assemble into Top 13. Tyra says, "...a Top Model first, as two full-fingered girls made it in the house," but that is not true because I have all my fingers and my toes. So that make three.

Then we did magazine issues photo shoot. This was controversial because bein' Lebanese countereffects the Bible. Not that there's everything wrong with it!

Jaslene got some toilet tissues paper in her head when she went to bathroom. Americans live life of luxury.

Now it seem a good time to run down some of my interests: Aunt Jemima pancakes. The Birth of a Nation. Jimmies on ice cream.

Respect, motherfuckers.

Rich says: The "depends on my mood" answer in regard to Natasha's multiple alphabets was somewhat self-aware re: juggling languages, and thus endearing enough to make up for the blackface, right? Right?

Why are you looking at me in a bad way?

Rich says: Never mind.

I want play harp on Tyra's horsehairs and bongo on her sevenhead.

This girl made my hair seem like silks of corns and my words like the writings of Hemingway. Will not miss.

Rich says: Let her think she is more man than Kathleen and she will be so.

And while I've got your ear, the previously unseen footage of Jael being fucking annoying really put Renee's feelings for her into perspective.

I would not be able to put up with that shit. Hemorrhoid, indeed. In fact, she even seemed to be avoiding confrontation by moving her stuff out and, you know, nipping it in the butt. 

Your take on the Jael sitch, Nata?

I once thought I had hemorrhoid but it turned out to be my baby. Also, I love to nipping butts!

In Russia, we do not need prom as excuse for underage sex.

Sometime, when I sleeping at night, I have nightmares about Jaslene's teeth. Where the wild things are? In Jas' mouth.

Rich says: And since we're going over the season and on the subject of nightmares...

How 21st century fast-is-the-new-slow zombie is Brit's intro? She's whipping that head around! Brit's got a craving for brains. Any hotdog will do.

Oh, and remember when I advised Natasha to avoid parks? That's just what she's doing. She will not be commenting on this never-seen-before scene. But I will!

"When I seen how good I was and how good I intimidated those girls, it only showed me how much I'm worth," says Jaslene. This is all wrong. Your clothes, hair and bone structure should be what's showing you how much you're worth.

Also, we have a Crying Count add-on:

77. Renee

Renee would give anything to take her child to the park. Anything except the chance to appear in Seventeen most likely once, take home about $50,000 and read lines gracelessly that amount to lies about your fast and furious modeling career during Cycle 9 of ANTM. Priorities!

And, we have another:

78. Natasha

With all the weave and hair drama this cycle, I'm kinda shocked that this didn't make it to air. Then again, they burned her and it was totally their fault so, maybe they were just embarrassed.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled caricature-based-in-nothing-resembling-reality-at-this-point nonsense:

I wanted to balance apple on my crotch, 'cause I am teacher's heavy pet. But Jay say no because he don't like the girls and their crotch.

Her pussy don't work! How can she be model? Will not miss.

Jael is hula good at hula hooping! GOL! That's "giggle out loud" for those not into leeks.

Jael at makeover don't look good at me because she is very shiny and shiny remind me of heinie.

GOL! GOL! This my fav section of season. Whitney "tell Brittany how it do and end of story and slapped her face and gave her the roosters and was on her way." I wanted some roosters, too. :(

Rich says: I have to interject here by pointing out that this conversation, "paper-thin" modifier and all, ocurred outside on the episode that originally covered this incident. I really think they had them retake this whole throw-down. Not surprising for reality TV, really, but did you really think I'd pass up the opportunity to get all super sleuth? I need to put those years spent fantasizing about admiring Encyclopedia Brown to use, damn it!

Oh, and also:

79. Natasha

I have to say that as far as ANTM goes, this shot is kind of beautiful. Or is that the laughing gas talking?

I was so sad because I lost one of my wisdoms and I need all the wisdom and intelligences I can get my mouth around!

Rich says: I know I took shots of it, but I don't know if I ever gave this Tyraism the respect it deserved. It's brilliant, possibly Tyra's shining moment of comedy on this show. I just love the implication that Cassandra is a total monster. Watch it again for the first time.

Cassandra think she need mirror time but I say she need to find mirror that won't break first! Cassandra problem is looking like camels. Giddy up, says Jays!

Will not miss.

Dionne says Renee look like rake, and Renee get mad because she not a maid to be rakin' anythin'. This fight was hot! It was hottest thing I seen since Caged Heat, which bein' called сюита 4 звезд in Russia. That translate to Four-Star Suite.

I was so happy when Benji Ninna says, "I am not a tree or traffic cop." Because usually trees and traffic cops make me do more than curious posing before they let go!

Whitney always be stealin' my brains and stuffin' 'em in herself to look sexual.

Rich says: No Pretty Party (sorry, Nata: Party of Prettiness) this week, since almost everything has already been covered. Except for the above shot which belongs in the Pretty Party Hall of Fame, which I think would be located in a VFW that smells of sausage somewhere.

That shot begs the question, who wore it best...

...Brit-tit-tit-tit or the filthy sink?

Feleashes, I can has mustache?

Will not miss.

Would you make love from me? I'd make love from me.

Is rude to point, but is ruder to be fat. Will not miss.

I like when Lionel Richie get on the ceiling and sing his dance of glee. I don't like when Lionel Richie get sex change and stop singin' and start snortin'. Do miss!

Tyra say Sarah have no "spontaneity" and so is kicked home, but Tyra make mistake. It is "spontanuity." I learned that last cycle!

Will not miss.

I'm more pretty than Tyra Banks, who look like elephant in kangaroo suit.

Rich says: But for real...

"Whitney, do you know how many brown sisters out there are watchin' you and thinkin', she's beautiful? It means, I'm beautiful, too." You know what takes this over the top? Her flyaways. Fucking brilliant. If this post hasn't read like the tribute that it is to this magical person who's provided as much entertainment to my life in the past two months as most people do in a year, let me say it loud and proud: ME LOVES NATASHA!!!

All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy Natasha is unhappy in its own way.

Rich says: The "ain't no...lesbo" quote from Dionne was a lot cooler when it was bleeped and we were lead to believe that she said "fuckin' lesbo," not "freakin' lesbo." What the freak?

Whitney got a round, mature butt. I know I told you I'm the truth. Whitney got a round, mature butt. And she leavin' you. See ya.

Will not miss.

Tyra say, "You have to bring who you are and marry it to the product. We're not looking for cookie cutter girls." Mmmm! Cookie! Who care about the other things?

Jael smell like menestration. Will not miss.

And now we down to final six. We got:

Jaslene: She got a penis where the tampon go. Should not win.

Dionne: She always sayin' not good things about competition and hollerin'. My baby is cuter. Should not win.

Brittany: She got a teardrop for everybody and everythin'. Should not win.

Renee: She be droppin' to many of her "g"s. Should not win.

Natasha: Perfection on a bladder. Should win.

Elaine: My fiercest competition here. Should maybe win. Don't let her. Call 1-866-IDOLS-05! Vote Natasha! Often, please!

Comments

[Sarah]

every episode I love Natasha a little more. I think she is the definition of "idiot savante", which should make her an ideal winner. Brittany is really way too self aware, Rennee is too cold hearted and evil, not that i don't love that about her, Dionne should narrate my life but she's kind of surly? shouuld not win. And I think Jaslene might actually be retarded.

[sarah]

this episode was a letdown since it wasn't a new full episode, but this post made it so much better!

[april is a bitch]

antmandmenestration.blogspot.com

[charbar517]

Oh thank God!! I love that your recap is funnier and better than the damn recap show! Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!!

[jfree]

i honestly didn't think it was possible, but this recap made me love natasha even more! i mean she got burned by a curling iron and had a wisdom tooth pulled out (sans anesthetic) and she never even complained? or had a bad pic? rawk on my friend, rawk on.

[meme]

you beat yourself everyweek. bestest recap!

[Milah]

"Jaslene: She got a penis where the tampon go. Should not win."

hee hee!! Why Must i Cry? This is (as expected) pure comic genius!!

[lapooh]

HA HA HA!!! antmandmenestration.blogspot.com Natasha has said.
Aprilbitch will not miss

[ildrich]

you forgot "air for my bitch" LMAO

[FortyTwo]

The Anna Karenina bit was amazing! Rich, you're my hero!

[Julia]

Natasha is our favorite person of the year, she GETS Tyra and girlfriend can pull her shit together when she needs to, she is not a wussy wuss.
GO NATASHA!!

Julie

[Rachel]

Brilliant.
Also, in the picture where Dionne and Renee are fighting, look at Diana's face.

[stellakowalski]

brilliant post!

In that screen cap with the two Jays, it's the one time (I've seen, anyway) that Ms. Jay looks more butch than Mr. Jay. That being said, I still can't get Ms. J's "giant, hairy ashy balls" outta my mind. Shudder.

Thought: Mr Jay's hair is looking more and more like a frosted mini-wheat every day. It went from highlighted to blonde to platinum to frosting. Bravo.

[diane]

I wanted to punch Jael in the face. I can't believe Renee took as much of that annoying shit as she did.

[Chriso]

Oh my god, tears! Tears are rolling down my face from the hysterical laughter. I can't even contain it. I want Natasha to do spoken word albums. AGH! Thank you!

[Robert]

Wow. I no longer feel guitly for making with fake speech of Russian English speaking broken. Elaine IS one fierce Bitch. Easily up to the runner that be Natasha. GOL!GOL!GOL!!!

[ry]

not lebanese, blanche, lesbian...
not the right show, but I know where you get your material.

incidentally, did you go see rue at one of her many nyc engagements? I did. and i touched her.
and i have proof!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/marlonbrandouniversity/470581148/in/set-72157600117381672/

[Jasmine]

Love the recap, but I can't believe that you left out the "Wind for my bitch" comment! That was the highlight of the episode.

[Mel]

You know, I wasn't a Natasha fan . . . until I read this post and her rundown of who was left. She's right -- she SHOULD win!

And Jaslene "got a penis where the tampon go" made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a long time!

[Mel]

Every week, we look for Jaslene's Adam's apple. Someday we'll find it!

[Kathy]

OMG, I have never laughed this hard at one of your recaps! This is the best one ever!

[Zan]

The LL reference was too much. I'm going to have Big Ole Butt in my head for a week.

[Rich Fan]

OMG RICH. Best. Recap. Ever.

and thanks for the GOL. every time i see natasha, that's all i'm gonna hear.

Rich, will you marry me?!

[Quel]

Haha! "Rich Fan" is a trip.

Great post. Funny recap. Your 'hood-speak is awesome.

I think Rene should win. She's the prettiest.

[omar]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha
I NEVER LAUGHED HARDER IN AGES!!! HAHAHAHAHA
"This was controversial because bein' Lebanese countereffects the Bible" haaaaaahah, i read
the whole thing with her accent (the thick L's) and it sounded perfect! You're just fuckin brilliant man! haha

I enjoyed the recap episode the most, and just when I thought couldn't get any better
HERE you come! hahaha

rock on man! :D