Recap of the Recap: Natashaspeak Edition

"Whud id doo shawties?" Natasha here bringing sexy back to all the boys and ladies and lads and midgets. Today, I will be your corrosponent here to cursturbate your journey through the first section of America's Next Top Model, Bicycle 8. We get down like black on sheep after the leap, shoebags!

But first...a word from Rich: I'm going to let my ever-developing (/ever-troubling) alternate "Natasha" personality do most of the driving here, but I will need to interject occasionally. Heretofore, my words will be in this color red. That way you won't get it twisted, because Lord knows I'm feeling like I'm at Natasha's level of articulation more and more everyday. My brain is rotting out of my head. I think it's because of this show...and l love it.

Since I have the floor, I want to start by pointing out that, literally, the second that I saw this opening shot of the Cycle 8 recap show...

...I exclaimed, "Being a top model...!" Lo and behold, I'm fucking psychic. Wink, wink.

Anyway, here's Natasha:

Right, so, when we arrive, we meet at airport. It can be lunatic at airport, with all the people and babies and old people and keychains. For me, the crazy thing is how much people look at me. It is like they cannot do anythin' else but stop and stare with their eyesballs when I am in the place to be. It's nice, but can be annoyin' at occasion.

When we first saw the Jays, I was screamin' and not believin' I was seein' them alive. But what you didn't see on the first epilepsy is that they were totin' camels! Mush!

And then we try out. It wasn't stressful because I am pretty. One of these girls are not like others and it's me, Princess of Prettiness, snitches!

"I'm very likable." When I watch this with friends, some laughed when they heard that. I refuse to talk to them for multiple minutes and then I pull their babies' ears because my words are very true and beautiful. I am very likable!

Then we assemble into Top 13. Tyra says, "...a Top Model first, as two full-fingered girls made it in the house," but that is not true because I have all my fingers and my toes. So that make three.

Then we did magazine issues photo shoot. This was controversial because bein' Lebanese countereffects the Bible. Not that there's everything wrong with it!

Jaslene got some toilet tissues paper in her head when she went to bathroom. Americans live life of luxury.

Now it seem a good time to run down some of my interests: Aunt Jemima pancakes. The Birth of a Nation. Jimmies on ice cream.

Respect, motherfuckers.

Rich says: The "depends on my mood" answer in regard to Natasha's multiple alphabets was somewhat self-aware re: juggling languages, and thus endearing enough to make up for the blackface, right? Right?

Why are you looking at me in a bad way?

Rich says: Never mind.

I want play harp on Tyra's horsehairs and bongo on her sevenhead.

This girl made my hair seem like silks of corns and my words like the writings of Hemingway. Will not miss.

Rich says: Let her think she is more man than Kathleen and she will be so.

And while I've got your ear, the previously unseen footage of Jael being fucking annoying really put Renee's feelings for her into perspective.

I would not be able to put up with that shit. Hemorrhoid, indeed. In fact, she even seemed to be avoiding confrontation by moving her stuff out and, you know, nipping it in the butt. 

Your take on the Jael sitch, Nata?

I once thought I had hemorrhoid but it turned out to be my baby. Also, I love to nipping butts!

In Russia, we do not need prom as excuse for underage sex.

Sometime, when I sleeping at night, I have nightmares about Jaslene's teeth. Where the wild things are? In Jas' mouth.

Rich says: And since we're going over the season and on the subject of nightmares...

How 21st century fast-is-the-new-slow zombie is Brit's intro? She's whipping that head around! Brit's got a craving for brains. Any hotdog will do.

Oh, and remember when I advised Natasha to avoid parks? That's just what she's doing. She will not be commenting on this never-seen-before scene. But I will!

"When I seen how good I was and how good I intimidated those girls, it only showed me how much I'm worth," says Jaslene. This is all wrong. Your clothes, hair and bone structure should be what's showing you how much you're worth.

Also, we have a Crying Count add-on:

77. Renee

Renee would give anything to take her child to the park. Anything except the chance to appear in Seventeen most likely once, take home about $50,000 and read lines gracelessly that amount to lies about your fast and furious modeling career during Cycle 9 of ANTM. Priorities!

And, we have another:

78. Natasha

With all the weave and hair drama this cycle, I'm kinda shocked that this didn't make it to air. Then again, they burned her and it was totally their fault so, maybe they were just embarrassed.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled caricature-based-in-nothing-resembling-reality-at-this-point nonsense:

I wanted to balance apple on my crotch, 'cause I am teacher's heavy pet. But Jay say no because he don't like the girls and their crotch.

Her pussy don't work! How can she be model? Will not miss.

Jael is hula good at hula hooping! GOL! That's "giggle out loud" for those not into leeks.

Jael at makeover don't look good at me because she is very shiny and shiny remind me of heinie.

GOL! GOL! This my fav section of season. Whitney "tell Brittany how it do and end of story and slapped her face and gave her the roosters and was on her way." I wanted some roosters, too. :(

Rich says: I have to interject here by pointing out that this conversation, "paper-thin" modifier and all, ocurred outside on the episode that originally covered this incident. I really think they had them retake this whole throw-down. Not surprising for reality TV, really, but did you really think I'd pass up the opportunity to get all super sleuth? I need to put those years spent fantasizing about admiring Encyclopedia Brown to use, damn it!

Oh, and also:

79. Natasha

I have to say that as far as ANTM goes, this shot is kind of beautiful. Or is that the laughing gas talking?

I was so sad because I lost one of my wisdoms and I need all the wisdom and intelligences I can get my mouth around!

Rich says: I know I took shots of it, but I don't know if I ever gave this Tyraism the respect it deserved. It's brilliant, possibly Tyra's shining moment of comedy on this show. I just love the implication that Cassandra is a total monster. Watch it again for the first time.

Cassandra think she need mirror time but I say she need to find mirror that won't break first! Cassandra problem is looking like camels. Giddy up, says Jays!

Will not miss.

Dionne says Renee look like rake, and Renee get mad because she not a maid to be rakin' anythin'. This fight was hot! It was hottest thing I seen since Caged Heat, which bein' called сюита 4 звезд in Russia. That translate to Four-Star Suite.

I was so happy when Benji Ninna says, "I am not a tree or traffic cop." Because usually trees and traffic cops make me do more than curious posing before they let go!

Whitney always be stealin' my brains and stuffin' 'em in herself to look sexual.

Rich says: No Pretty Party (sorry, Nata: Party of Prettiness) this week, since almost everything has already been covered. Except for the above shot which belongs in the Pretty Party Hall of Fame, which I think would be located in a VFW that smells of sausage somewhere.

That shot begs the question, who wore it best...

...Brit-tit-tit-tit or the filthy sink?

Feleashes, I can has mustache?

Will not miss.

Would you make love from me? I'd make love from me.

Is rude to point, but is ruder to be fat. Will not miss.

I like when Lionel Richie get on the ceiling and sing his dance of glee. I don't like when Lionel Richie get sex change and stop singin' and start snortin'. Do miss!

Tyra say Sarah have no "spontaneity" and so is kicked home, but Tyra make mistake. It is "spontanuity." I learned that last cycle!

Will not miss.

I'm more pretty than Tyra Banks, who look like elephant in kangaroo suit.

Rich says: But for real...

"Whitney, do you know how many brown sisters out there are watchin' you and thinkin', she's beautiful? It means, I'm beautiful, too." You know what takes this over the top? Her flyaways. Fucking brilliant. If this post hasn't read like the tribute that it is to this magical person who's provided as much entertainment to my life in the past two months as most people do in a year, let me say it loud and proud: ME LOVES NATASHA!!!

All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy Natasha is unhappy in its own way.

Rich says: The "ain't no...lesbo" quote from Dionne was a lot cooler when it was bleeped and we were lead to believe that she said "fuckin' lesbo," not "freakin' lesbo." What the freak?

Whitney got a round, mature butt. I know I told you I'm the truth. Whitney got a round, mature butt. And she leavin' you. See ya.

Will not miss.

Tyra say, "You have to bring who you are and marry it to the product. We're not looking for cookie cutter girls." Mmmm! Cookie! Who care about the other things?

Jael smell like menestration. Will not miss.

And now we down to final six. We got:

Jaslene: She got a penis where the tampon go. Should not win.

Dionne: She always sayin' not good things about competition and hollerin'. My baby is cuter. Should not win.

Brittany: She got a teardrop for everybody and everythin'. Should not win.

Renee: She be droppin' to many of her "g"s. Should not win.

Natasha: Perfection on a bladder. Should win.

Elaine: My fiercest competition here. Should maybe win. Don't let her. Call 1-866-IDOLS-05! Vote Natasha! Often, please!

Comments

[kylie]

basically this is the best recap that has ever existed.

elaine might be fiercer than nata, notsry2say.

[Miss Lisa]

I'm sorry, I have to paste this here. It's a reader review I found on the NY Times site for the Truman Capote film, "Infamous," starring Toby Jones (which is a really great film, btw). Some of these sentences are just really beautiful to beholding (like Nata, for real):

I do not believe to exaggerate by saying that this film will become "worship", having seen the precedent in 2006, there, I believe that we holds a small quite higher masterpiece. The realization and the setting in scene swarm with details which at the beginning of film, in the form of life told, or after, when the investigation of Truman Capote really starts, I was completely "paste" by the image, framing, the sound-band, even the color very "sixties", decoration, costumes. For me, it would need a second vision to be able to realize of the incredible research of the realizer to make this film credible. Toby Jones is absolutely remarkable, but not only because he wanted to stick to his character by the sound of his voice, his step, but also by the approach of the character "Truman Capote" in his disconcerting side, gemellaire, cruel, high-society man, narcissistic and show-off. Throughout the film, I slowly smell to come the human side from Capote which replaces his side "venomous tongue", but we hardly to knowing: was he in love-fascinated or calculator-actor? His novel (and his fortune) were conditioned all the same by the death of two men. As for the second roles held by a "pleiade" of stars, then there, I remained fascinated by interpretation, , they are superb and even astonished me, especially Sandra Bullock who had more accustomed me to poor films. I draw my hat with the casting. This film should be seen!

[Monika]

"The walls in a house full of women are paper thin" sounds like it could be the title of a giallo.

[Danielle]

"the previously unseen footage of Jael being fucking annoying really put Renee's feelings for her into perspective."

No truer words have ever been spoken. I also have to say I laughed ridiculously hard on the "I want roosters too" :(

[ticklebug]

Diana and Whitney were the worst things that ever happened to ANTM. Glad those two useless wastes of spaces are gone!

[george]

you thought you could slip in that bonita applebum reference unnoticed? :)

[Miss Kizzy]

Cheers to you, Rachel, for catching the look on Diana's face when Renee and Dionne went head up. She looked as if she was hoping they'd oil up and "go for blows." Although Nata is entertaining, I love Dionne. If it comes down to the two of them, Dionne should take home the gold.

DIONNE FOREVER! NATA - NADA, NADA!

[mebebored]

hhmm seems familar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJiTK4QFsMo&eurl=

[Lady]

I will never read anything more wonderful than your (Natasha's) re-interpretation of Brenda's Got a Big Ol Butt.

I love you forever and ever.

[gus]

"Is rude to point, but is ruder to be fat. Will not miss."

Ahahahahahahahaha best quote of the recap. Will remember always. I fear for your psychological health Rich...but it's adding to the laughs so whatevz!

[Tati]

Man, I wish they would open up a class on Nataspeak at my university. Imagine the possibilities. :D

I'd make a post on your Charm School Recap, but TypePad apparently think I'm a spammer. :(

[alicia]

rich -

i dont know if you had heard about this, but there was a "leak" on wikipedia a few weeks back regarding Cycle 8. it had a bracket of who was kicked off each week, and in what order they were announced. it also had episode recaps... through the rest of the season.

so far its been accurate (it said they were going to australia, it said how they were going to bring back models from previous cycles, etc)...

obviously it got taken down almost immediately. did you happen to see this too? i think it had major spoilers!! pls let me know if so and what you thought of it - alicia.dunn@gmail.com

[MM]

love it love it love it love it love it!

[Christy]

I L(not G)OL at the 'Jaslene has a penis' comment. It made me think of Janice Dickinson, everyone thinks that she's a guy too (maybe a crotch test can clear this all up. What you do is you kick someone in the crotch and if the scream in pain, than you know it's a guy. If the person goes ow but gets over it, than it's a girl.) If you don't want to kick someone in the crotch than you can do it the easy way, than you can just 'check' if you know what I mean. I know, I'm bad, but don't blame me, blame Family Guy!

[Vanessa]

I didn't even care about the blackface-not sure why but it was somehow charming. Russian accents are the new French I think.

I work with a few Russians btw and their bluntness and unique talent with the English language is quite enchanting. Now when I hear them talk, will be thinking Natasha voice in head. This happiness making for me. Das vadanya, moi brat Rich.

[Deb]

Two Snaps Up for the Encyclopedia Brown reference!

Amazing recap, as always. Always LMAO at your recaps and your rapier wit.

[Philip]

Rich, you make me make many laugh be funny.

FUCKING HILARIOUS!

My biggest laugh each week is YOU, you crazy Natasha-lovin fellow freak!

XOXO

[Amy]

This is the funniest thing I have ever read! I can't wait for Mondays! You are truly gifted!

[Ro Ro]

Holy shit, every week, your recaps get better and better!

"Is rude to point but is ruder to be fat. Will not miss."

"Feleashes I can has mustache? Will not miss."

GOL!

[Meemma]

Rich, will you marry me? I'm serious. I know you've got a man and a cat all that and I'm married w/children, but so what!

Ok. Let me phrase it to you in Natasha speak so you'll understand: "You no like baginas? Is ok. We live never happily neverafter. Is ok. I love funny man who write about girl from mother Russia. "

You crack me up every. single. week! Great post!!!

[swsnbn]

Luv this recap rich!LMAO!....I have a russian roomate that sounds and almost looks like Natasha!

[elliette.devine]

rich. you are a genius. this was the best post ever. this post made me want to be your best friend. like, i seriously want to know you in real life and be your best friend, and i've never even met you before! i don't say this about many people! GOL!gol!GOL!!L!L

i can't wait to read your finale post!!!! xo

[spunutu]

holy shit. i always knew you were jesus.

[Andrew]

"She got a penis where the tampon go.Should not win."
Diet Coke just came out of my nose! That is the funniest fuckin shit I have ever read.
THANK YOU!
Oh, and the Barbra Walters Trannyshow loop/edit that you did was pretty incredible too.
Riley...Mermaids...Gay?
That will be on a tourettes loop in my head for about the next 67 hours...thanks!

[Foxy]

Speechless.