Recap of the Recap: Natashaspeak Edition

"Whud id doo shawties?" Natasha here bringing sexy back to all the boys and ladies and lads and midgets. Today, I will be your corrosponent here to cursturbate your journey through the first section of America's Next Top Model, Bicycle 8. We get down like black on sheep after the leap, shoebags!

But first...a word from Rich: I'm going to let my ever-developing (/ever-troubling) alternate "Natasha" personality do most of the driving here, but I will need to interject occasionally. Heretofore, my words will be in this color red. That way you won't get it twisted, because Lord knows I'm feeling like I'm at Natasha's level of articulation more and more everyday. My brain is rotting out of my head. I think it's because of this show...and l love it.

Since I have the floor, I want to start by pointing out that, literally, the second that I saw this opening shot of the Cycle 8 recap show...

...I exclaimed, "Being a top model...!" Lo and behold, I'm fucking psychic. Wink, wink.

Anyway, here's Natasha:

Right, so, when we arrive, we meet at airport. It can be lunatic at airport, with all the people and babies and old people and keychains. For me, the crazy thing is how much people look at me. It is like they cannot do anythin' else but stop and stare with their eyesballs when I am in the place to be. It's nice, but can be annoyin' at occasion.

When we first saw the Jays, I was screamin' and not believin' I was seein' them alive. But what you didn't see on the first epilepsy is that they were totin' camels! Mush!

And then we try out. It wasn't stressful because I am pretty. One of these girls are not like others and it's me, Princess of Prettiness, snitches!

"I'm very likable." When I watch this with friends, some laughed when they heard that. I refuse to talk to them for multiple minutes and then I pull their babies' ears because my words are very true and beautiful. I am very likable!

Then we assemble into Top 13. Tyra says, "...a Top Model first, as two full-fingered girls made it in the house," but that is not true because I have all my fingers and my toes. So that make three.

Then we did magazine issues photo shoot. This was controversial because bein' Lebanese countereffects the Bible. Not that there's everything wrong with it!

Jaslene got some toilet tissues paper in her head when she went to bathroom. Americans live life of luxury.

Now it seem a good time to run down some of my interests: Aunt Jemima pancakes. The Birth of a Nation. Jimmies on ice cream.

Respect, motherfuckers.

Rich says: The "depends on my mood" answer in regard to Natasha's multiple alphabets was somewhat self-aware re: juggling languages, and thus endearing enough to make up for the blackface, right? Right?

Why are you looking at me in a bad way?

Rich says: Never mind.

I want play harp on Tyra's horsehairs and bongo on her sevenhead.

This girl made my hair seem like silks of corns and my words like the writings of Hemingway. Will not miss.

Rich says: Let her think she is more man than Kathleen and she will be so.

And while I've got your ear, the previously unseen footage of Jael being fucking annoying really put Renee's feelings for her into perspective.

I would not be able to put up with that shit. Hemorrhoid, indeed. In fact, she even seemed to be avoiding confrontation by moving her stuff out and, you know, nipping it in the butt. 

Your take on the Jael sitch, Nata?

I once thought I had hemorrhoid but it turned out to be my baby. Also, I love to nipping butts!

In Russia, we do not need prom as excuse for underage sex.

Sometime, when I sleeping at night, I have nightmares about Jaslene's teeth. Where the wild things are? In Jas' mouth.

Rich says: And since we're going over the season and on the subject of nightmares...

How 21st century fast-is-the-new-slow zombie is Brit's intro? She's whipping that head around! Brit's got a craving for brains. Any hotdog will do.

Oh, and remember when I advised Natasha to avoid parks? That's just what she's doing. She will not be commenting on this never-seen-before scene. But I will!

"When I seen how good I was and how good I intimidated those girls, it only showed me how much I'm worth," says Jaslene. This is all wrong. Your clothes, hair and bone structure should be what's showing you how much you're worth.

Also, we have a Crying Count add-on:

77. Renee

Renee would give anything to take her child to the park. Anything except the chance to appear in Seventeen most likely once, take home about $50,000 and read lines gracelessly that amount to lies about your fast and furious modeling career during Cycle 9 of ANTM. Priorities!

And, we have another:

78. Natasha

With all the weave and hair drama this cycle, I'm kinda shocked that this didn't make it to air. Then again, they burned her and it was totally their fault so, maybe they were just embarrassed.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled caricature-based-in-nothing-resembling-reality-at-this-point nonsense:

I wanted to balance apple on my crotch, 'cause I am teacher's heavy pet. But Jay say no because he don't like the girls and their crotch.

Her pussy don't work! How can she be model? Will not miss.

Jael is hula good at hula hooping! GOL! That's "giggle out loud" for those not into leeks.

Jael at makeover don't look good at me because she is very shiny and shiny remind me of heinie.

GOL! GOL! This my fav section of season. Whitney "tell Brittany how it do and end of story and slapped her face and gave her the roosters and was on her way." I wanted some roosters, too. :(

Rich says: I have to interject here by pointing out that this conversation, "paper-thin" modifier and all, ocurred outside on the episode that originally covered this incident. I really think they had them retake this whole throw-down. Not surprising for reality TV, really, but did you really think I'd pass up the opportunity to get all super sleuth? I need to put those years spent fantasizing about admiring Encyclopedia Brown to use, damn it!

Oh, and also:

79. Natasha

I have to say that as far as ANTM goes, this shot is kind of beautiful. Or is that the laughing gas talking?

I was so sad because I lost one of my wisdoms and I need all the wisdom and intelligences I can get my mouth around!

Rich says: I know I took shots of it, but I don't know if I ever gave this Tyraism the respect it deserved. It's brilliant, possibly Tyra's shining moment of comedy on this show. I just love the implication that Cassandra is a total monster. Watch it again for the first time.

Cassandra think she need mirror time but I say she need to find mirror that won't break first! Cassandra problem is looking like camels. Giddy up, says Jays!

Will not miss.

Dionne says Renee look like rake, and Renee get mad because she not a maid to be rakin' anythin'. This fight was hot! It was hottest thing I seen since Caged Heat, which bein' called сюита 4 звезд in Russia. That translate to Four-Star Suite.

I was so happy when Benji Ninna says, "I am not a tree or traffic cop." Because usually trees and traffic cops make me do more than curious posing before they let go!

Whitney always be stealin' my brains and stuffin' 'em in herself to look sexual.

Rich says: No Pretty Party (sorry, Nata: Party of Prettiness) this week, since almost everything has already been covered. Except for the above shot which belongs in the Pretty Party Hall of Fame, which I think would be located in a VFW that smells of sausage somewhere.

That shot begs the question, who wore it best...

...Brit-tit-tit-tit or the filthy sink?

Feleashes, I can has mustache?

Will not miss.

Would you make love from me? I'd make love from me.

Is rude to point, but is ruder to be fat. Will not miss.

I like when Lionel Richie get on the ceiling and sing his dance of glee. I don't like when Lionel Richie get sex change and stop singin' and start snortin'. Do miss!

Tyra say Sarah have no "spontaneity" and so is kicked home, but Tyra make mistake. It is "spontanuity." I learned that last cycle!

Will not miss.

I'm more pretty than Tyra Banks, who look like elephant in kangaroo suit.

Rich says: But for real...

"Whitney, do you know how many brown sisters out there are watchin' you and thinkin', she's beautiful? It means, I'm beautiful, too." You know what takes this over the top? Her flyaways. Fucking brilliant. If this post hasn't read like the tribute that it is to this magical person who's provided as much entertainment to my life in the past two months as most people do in a year, let me say it loud and proud: ME LOVES NATASHA!!!

All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy Natasha is unhappy in its own way.

Rich says: The "ain't no...lesbo" quote from Dionne was a lot cooler when it was bleeped and we were lead to believe that she said "fuckin' lesbo," not "freakin' lesbo." What the freak?

Whitney got a round, mature butt. I know I told you I'm the truth. Whitney got a round, mature butt. And she leavin' you. See ya.

Will not miss.

Tyra say, "You have to bring who you are and marry it to the product. We're not looking for cookie cutter girls." Mmmm! Cookie! Who care about the other things?

Jael smell like menestration. Will not miss.

And now we down to final six. We got:

Jaslene: She got a penis where the tampon go. Should not win.

Dionne: She always sayin' not good things about competition and hollerin'. My baby is cuter. Should not win.

Brittany: She got a teardrop for everybody and everythin'. Should not win.

Renee: She be droppin' to many of her "g"s. Should not win.

Natasha: Perfection on a bladder. Should win.

Elaine: My fiercest competition here. Should maybe win. Don't let her. Call 1-866-IDOLS-05! Vote Natasha! Often, please!

Comments

[peelbuhg]

With all the "faggots, lesbos, negroes (no, I can't say it) and cracker-ass-crackers" being featured, photographed and touted to the world on this show - makes one wonder if Tyra isn't just trying to get her 121st country added to the list.

BLEH!

The Hate Blog was my favorite - love you, Rich!

[Scott Free]

I love that you used to read Encyclopedia Brown, and I love even more that you managed to work in a Silence Of The Lambs reference. Nice work, as usual!

[Anonymous]

My guess is Brittany might have been so proud of that comment that she said it more than once during a fight that raged on and off all day. ANTM is actually really good about not interfering with the girls and what they're doing. Believe me, there were times we all wished we could have a do-over for a clearer view of some fight or other, but it doesn't happen.

[matt]

hi Rich, just delete this post if it's too premature, but how about Shit-tit-tit for the title of your next ANTM post? That's probably too obvious though, I understand. I still find it funny though LOL.

[starstattoo]

RICH - Natasha is inching ever closer to my personal dream for her, which, as I told you, is hosting a wacky variety show on Polish or Ukrainian television.

(or performing on tour with Army of Lovers)

She is perhaps the gay icon version of Borat, only cuz she is of te prettiess over all te oter sexigirlss.

[yes]

elaine is scary and why does renee look like jade on the right side of that photo?

[Eda the Diva]

NATASHA IS A STUPID HOR THAT FURY KANGA IS PRETTYER THAN HER AND FYI TYRA IS MUCH PRETTYER THAN NATASHA.YO SOY LATINA E ESKOHARON LA PERFECTA JASLENE

[EDA THE DIVA]

NATASHA U MITE BE PRETTIEES BUT JASLENE IS HOTTEST AND FYI NATASHA SOUNDS LIKE A LEZ

[AC]

She said "Full-figured" not "full-fingered".

[online nursery]

You need beautiful Fast Growing Trees, Perennial Flowers, or bearing-age Blueberry plants, our state certified plant nursery has the quality you trust.

[bladder control]

She's really an annoying one!

Sam Nisbett

[Hemorrhoids Treatment]

Ewwwwww...

She must avoid too much eating spicy foods... and find a good hemorrhoids treatment...