Whit-less

You know, until the scene from which these screencaps were taken, I never saw Whitney's purported resemblance to Bobbi Kris. Now I see the light, but it's too late. Chaka Khan.

CHAKA KHAN!

So maybe Whitney's never looked worse, but she's also never looked better:

Give and take and...gone! Chaka Khan.

62. Renee

I love how this show all of a sudden has become family porn. Yo, Ken Mok: if I want to watch Brothers and Sisters, I'll change the channel.

63. Renee

Between that flowly, somewhat ornate, if-only-this-were-my-skin-tone thing she's always wearing and the new addition of a decidedly verklempt hand gesture, Renee became Barbara Streisand for a second. Her tears are like buttah, which is actually kind of dangerous for a weight-conscious model.

64. Natasha

Avoid parks, then.

65. Natasha

The dingo ate it. The one who lives in the park.

66. Renee

You know, may I never have a family that extends beyond cats because all the fucking heartache makes it seem not at all worth it. Yeah, your kids take care of you when you're old, after they've caused you a lifetime of emotional instability, not to mention the premature aging. That's barely a trade-off.

Just keepin' it real!

67. Renee

Familyamilyamilyamilyamily. Blahblahblah. What I'm most concerned about is that, like Tyra last week, the shots on Renee this week were often much closer than usual. Is it underboob again? Vagina arms? Natasha's brains? What?

68. Brittany

Week after week, we see Brittany crying as one girl goes home. Is she even friends with these girls? I don't even think she cares. I think she just wants more screen shot time.

And speaking of that, it's time for the biggest camera hog of all:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

Via ESL hairdresser Cristian's words, Tyra reaches new heights of eloquence. Bravo!

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

Haven't done one of those in a while. Feels really good!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Figure out how to make it pretty-ugly. Not just ugly."

And while you're at it, please break your back in your attempt to stand up straight.

Seriously: I think my head just exploded while I tried to wrap my head around that Tyraism. While I recover, please take some time out to relax while listening to the soothing sounds of Jaslene's voice.

1. No, but for real, I do think that I'm falling in love with the sound of Dionne's voice. She can say anything and I'll listen. Of course, it helps when what she's saying is as hilarious as the way she's saying it. I'm, of course referring to the quote of the cycle so far:

"Hold up. I'm not no fuckin' lesbo."

You know, there's a reason that I don't really write about straight comedy: I think it stands just fine on its own. When it's doing what it's supposed to, it's virtually impossible to make it funnier. Such is the case with this quote. Really. I can't compete.

And way to play down any potential homophobia, Dionne, by using the word "lesbo," which is still in the running towards becoming the funniest word ever. It's seriously up there with "Wholahay."

Furthermore, way to play down any potential homophobia by going gay!

If a guy of Dionne's level of hotness talked shit about not being gay and then melted into a puddle of Astro Glide after experiencing another man's touch on my TV screen, I would come in my pants. As it stands, this was pretty hot, too.

You know what else is hot? Sass.

Sometimes I feel like Dionne isn't a woman, but a robot engineered to appeal to exactly what I look for in a person. Seriously, whoever came up with her: thanks!

I mean, she totally made the family porn development so much more bearable with her heartwarming tale of reuniting with her incompetent, daughter-less sister. That'll teach incompetent, daughter-less sister to do a little girl's hair!

And of course, the solution was to replace that hair with some other that was lying around the house.

2. You know what I'm talking about.

   

The weavectomy is an important rite of passage for any, young model. It may look inhumane, but who are you to comment? This is a culture we're talking about, you imperialist!

Upon further inspection, it would seem that Brit-tit-tit-tit's former weave has animal-like qualities.

Ah yes, the alien, headhugger species. No wonder it took five episodes to get that thing off of her.

Also, nice yarmulke.

That wine better be Manischewitz.

Finally, I was suckered into thinking that maybe the weave was the key to all of Brit-tit-tit-tit's problems. But no:

She just doesn't know what the fuck to do with her hair, even when it's real.

3.

Ahem.

Ahem.

"...because, as you know, Top Model can be comical at times." Oooh, really, Tyra? I should put that to the test on this blog. Oh. Wait.

Also, "at times?" Yeah, I guess if by "at times" you mean, "between commercials."

4. And since I already showed her, allow me to say: Oh, Bre. You look so...

...yeah. You look so.

5. But Michelle really did look good, right?

Except, uh...

...she didn't have flesh-eating bacteria! That was just a scare fantasy the idiots in the house drummed up. She had impetigo, but I guess that isn't as glamorous. Or maybe this is the show's way of freely admitting that it's as stupid as Cycle 4's Noelle.

But while we're on the subject of the "flesh-eating bacteria" photo, this week's Tori Amos With Period on Her Face Award goes to...

Natasha. Duh.

And here's more duh for your ass: it's this week's Pretty Party! And it's the winter wear edition!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

6. ...kinda. Because we should probably talk about this:

A reader, Lisa, wrote to me and said that between the head covering and the miniskirt...

...Tyra's a ringer for Little Edie Beale. I say add a twist of Aladdin, and we've got a deal. I mean, you know she was just dying to balance a sword in her palm the whole time.

Oh, Tyra, you're so clever.

Hey, Dionne: can we get your reaction to Tyra's balancing act?

"What!"

7. This little motivational speech on Renee's shrine to emotional complexity...

...seriously has me on the edge of my seat. How does it end?!?!

8. More fun with the English language and Renee: I love love love this letter she wrote to Jael to smooth things over (what, did she run out of anime ideas?):

Spelling hilarity aside (OK, not really: "jealouse," tee hee!), the last sentence of this is so awesome. "Maybe I was jealouse [sic, duh] of your good..." and then you think it's going to be all nice and complimentary. But instead of "...modeling" or "...DNA" or "...smell," you get: "time." Jealouse of your good time! Ha! Renee might as well have hypothesized that she's jealous of her tendency to slur everything, a fact that not even Tyra could deny.

In other words, bravo, Renee. Once again, you really know how to apologize.

I love that, in the beginning of the episode, Renee says, "I need to be a more sensitive person." And then you see her gazing lovingly at a tape recorder.

Well, maybe if you bonded with actual people, instead of machinery, you would be more sensitive! Seriously, is she a rhesus monkey? Is there wire-and-cloth representation of her son and husband that she clings to at night?

I just love answering my own questions.

9. Also, if Paris is Burning were a board game, this would be the picture on the box for the junior edition:

And this would be the travel edition:

 

10. I really have the hardest time writing about Jael, because, I guess, like I said before, good comedy stands on its own. I did think it was particularly awesome that, upon being shown the clip of Rebecca fainting, Jael said, "Whoa! She rules!" Because, apparently, anyone who's a big enough mess to eat shit in front of a nation is swell in Jael's book.

I also loved her closing, would-be eloquent speech.

You know someone's gone when they go for dignified and end up sounding like Jerri Blank.

11. Here's your new ringtone.

No, wait. Use this one. It's better. More body.

12. This show has a pro-masturbation agenda.

13. Brit-tit-tit-tit's former weave says...

"(Rustle, tumble, rustle, rustle...)"

14. Dionne and Renee's T-shirts say...

"I Voted for Dionne" and "I Voted for Renee," respectively. God. Can't you read?

Comments

[monica]

again another great recap....

Natasha for the win!

[Elaine]

Wonderful, as usual.

[winterwheat]

OMG, I never thought in million years I'd see a photo from Harry Harlow's research on an ANTM blog. This couldn't be more perfect. I used the same photo in a post last fall about choosing to be a fur mother over a wire mother. Here's the link to prove it:

http://triticumturgidum.blogspot.com/2006/04/whats-it-gonna-be-wire-or-fur_10.html

You won't want to read it, though; it's about breastfeeding struggles and will skeeve you out.

Just wanted to say that the pasting of Renee's face over the baby monkey's is pure genius. I already loved your blog but you've advanced five spaces on my game board with this one. :-)

[penelope]

Brit's weave is the best thing ever! It needs a spin off.

[Tisch!]

Third? heh.
Omigosh! Yes! I've been waiting for this! Haha! It's like I'm addicted or something..hmmm.
Love you and your recaps every single week!

[Chavon]

I live for these posts... Phenomenal job as usual.

[Elaine]

although I can't believe you didn't point out that the camera avoided Tyra like the plague. There were about three shots of her, when usually the show's shots can best be entitled "TYRA! and then some skinny bitches."

Renee as Rhesus Monkey=GENIUS!

[sweetpea]

rich, you make my mondays! i don't know how i lived without you... and i'm in LOVE with dionne - i would totally go lesbo for her!

[David]

Dionne is pure gold. She needs an action figure. Pull the string and out spouts pure amazingness.

Yay!

[Toothy Tile]

Britney's hair is still a damn mess even without the weave! How evil to just remove it and not re-cut her hair. This will be part 2 of her struggle.

Also, sorry Jaslene, but Dionne is my new favorite.

[Toothy Tile]

god dammit, why did I keep typing Britney instead of Brittany!?

Britney Spears has poisoned my mind.

[Rachel]

Rich, you're amazing.

"The thing always happens that you believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." --Frank Lloyd "Jade" Wright

Talking about modeling = dancing about architecture?

[Sarah]

Shouldn't they have included Michelle in the "lesbo" shot? It only seems fair.

[Caroline]

Someone needs to address the fact that Natasha's daughter's name is Angelina. Because you know she saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" on the plane from St. Petersburg and was like "I will name my baby after pretty lady with knives!"

[dy]

great recap! i was hoping you'd mention Dionne's Jamaican accent.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

As I am a bitchy little pedant, I must point out that Norelle was from seas--er, cycle, 3.

and excellent recap as always.

[...........]

Yay!

[W.C.]

1) Britanny needs to give up, and just Britney her head.

2) Tyra clearly reads FOURFOUR...

3) Renee as a monkey was even better than an entire caturday worth of LOLCATS.

4) I HEART BRITT'S TUMBLING TUMBLE-WEAVE.

[Joe]

Oh My God, when Dionne launched into her "I don't know where that Jamaican accent came from" I was head-over-heels in love. How can someone be dip-shit and brilliant at the same fucking time? Only Wholahay makes it possible; something to aspire to, even. Where did she come from? She was so BLAH the 1st couple of episodes and now she's all I live for. Jaslene still has my tranny-lovin' heart, but Dionne is my one true lust.

I think these girls all know to just fucking nod whenever Tyra babbles about shit at panel. Seriously, just go to your happy place and pretend she makes sense or isn't condescending or even a little bit offensive. It was like AJ and the neck thing. There's a difference between "this" and "this". Sure there is. BRILLIANT.

SO GLAD THE ACTING EPISODE IS DONE. Always the lamest. Off to Australia next week.

Rich, you are adorable in pictures.

[Kaylyn]

Ah, I feel much better already. Now...what about the pussycat blog on VH1? I'm dyin for it!
You are most definitly the best thing ever!

[mer]

This is the cycle of mothers. I predict a mother will win.

[Jackie]

Wholahay 07! I LOVE her! Also, forget crying counts, can we get a baby count?

[sjbr]

where's the capture of "what the fuck is wrong with my baby's hair?"

i need it!

[Abrego]

Is it just me, or does Renee look so much prettier when she cries?

Also, "because, as you know, Top Model can be comical at times". Best Tyra Voice-Over EVER!!!!

Thanks Rich. You brighten up my Mondays.